Forgotten Toons: Animated Mummies Two-Pack

Mummies are not usually kid's fare, but they manage to be in those drastically-different shows. On one hand, we have an animated follow-up to a hit movie. On the other hand, we have one of the most curious formulas for a kid's show I have ever seen. From the man who loves Street Sharks, that means a lot. Let's begin with the latter, a shown known simply as...

Mummies Alive

What can I really say here? It is a show about mummies who are brought back to life to protect the ancestor of their ancient Pharaoh. An evil wizard guy wants the kid to unlock some sort of ancient power. That's not the strange part though.

Apparently, these mummies have magical artifacts that allow them to put on what appear to be mechanical armor. Each one of them has their own theme one that fits in with the stereotypical motif of cartoons (i.e. the flying one, the big, strong one, etc). Plus, they have vehicles, such as a flying motorcycle. How does any of that make sense? Who knows? This show ran for 42 episodes, which is more than the BBC version of The Office and Fawlty Towers combined! Not that I am comparing quality, mind you.

The Mummy: The Animated Series

This show is sort of a spin-off of the films and sort of a follow-up. It takes the idea of the kid getting the magical manacle on his wrist from The Mummy Returns, but changes it. Instead, it makes him the object of desire for the titular villain for its power, as opposed to opening the magical door to the Scorpion King's lair. All of the characters appear, save for the original lackey Benni, although he gets a similar counterpart here. The show revolves around the search for some magical scrolls that will 'tip the balance of power.'

Needless to say, none of the actors from the film make appearances here. Instead, Rick is portrayed by Smallville's John Schneider, while Evy is voiced by regular voice-actress Grey DeLisle, who is most known for being the voice of Mandy from The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy. In fact, the show is chock full of the usual suspects like Jeff Bennet (aka Johnny Bravo), Tom Kenny (aka Spongebob Squarepants) and Jeanie Elias (aka Princess Peach from The Super Mario Bros Super Show). This should come as no surprise to anyone who watches cartoons though- these guys just never stop working.

Next up, a classic show about a dog and monsters goes forgotten for far too long! Let's change that. Stay tuned...

Columbus Death: The Ghost Galleon

Happy Columbus Day! Let's celebrate a holiday based around a guy driving a ship to where he was not going and not discovering America. If that's all we need, any douche-bag with a speedboat should have a holiday! Boat- check. Not discovering America- check. So how do I celebrate such a dubious pretense for a holiday? With a movie that has a dubious reputation among horror fans, that's how! This is the third film in the famous Blind Dead quadrilogy and usually seen as the 'black sheep of the family.' Let's be honest- it's the fourth film that really stands out simply being 'blah.' This movie is judged quite harshly for its unique setting and some bad special effects added in post-production. Let's judge the film on its own merits- shall we? This is...

The Ghost Galleon

Our story begins in a very curious manner with a bunch of models doing a fashion shoot in a dimly-lit building. The thing turns bad when one of the women is kidnapped and taken out to sea. Some of her friends try to get involved, but that does not exactly work all too well. The bottom line is this: they end up on a boat in the middle of the ocean. They run afoul of a mysterious ship and see that their only option is to explore the ship. I mean, they are stranded, so why not? Some hints are given early on by a professor that the ship was one that was used by the Knights Templar back in the day, but it went missing. I sure hope that there aren't actual any of these guys on the ship. Oh crap, there are! The emergence of the creatures is welcome, since most of the characters are not exactly all that likable. The guys look as creepy as ever, their appearance aided by the dark, moody setting. Our heroes quickly figure out that there is not exactly a lot of room to hide on this ship. Plus, they can't exactly run away right now! Houston, we have a problem!

*

The only saving grace for our heroes appears to be the dawning of the morning sun. Like in the previous films, they cannot move during the day and simply lie in wait. This gives our heroes time to figure out a way to survive. This is where the controversy about the film lies, as many people found the characters so unlikable that any lull in the horror was deemed 'boring.' While it is certainly not the best part, this does not kill the movie. One issue that is prevalent is a lack of explanation in regards to the beasts, especially when compared to the other films. We know that the Templars were evil and died, but that's it. Anything else is not important, apparently. When night time comes, our heroes try to hide from the monsters- it does not work all that well. Some of the kills are not that good, but the ambiance and atmosphere really shines here. Armando de Ossorio does his best to avoid showing the bad model ship that the studio gave him for establishing shots and does this often by using some strange angles. Let's get to the real meat of the film, shall we?

*

When dawn emerges on the final day, our heroes finally figure out that they need to get rid of the Templars. They manage to dump their coffins (a new thing to the series) into the water with them inside. The pressure comes in the form of time, as our heroes need to move these massive things before the sun goes down. In some fairly-bad effects shots, we see the coffins float to the bottom. Our surviving heroes sit the ship on fire to put the evil completely to bed, giving us another sad shot. The real horror of this film is the budget! The tiny ship burns as our heroes escape to a nearby island. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. Come nightfall, the zombies emerge from their now-wet coffins and walk along the ocean shore. The duo sit on the beach, celebrating their victory in an exhausted state. The monsters rise from the water and linger over our heroes as the credits roll. That's how you end a horror movie!

*

This movie is certainly flawed, but saves itself in the creative wrap-up. One thing that this series did was mix-up the endings and locations. We get the plains (Part 1), a town (Part 2), the ship (Part 3) and an seaside town (Part 4). As for this film, it is definitely a unique entry in the series. The idea of the people being trapped on the boat is a great one, but the execution is not perfect. Would this film have been better with a couple million more dollars? Absolutely. Ossorio himself talked about how much he wanted the films to be bigger than they were, but he was forced to work with so little. This was pretty much his whole problem throughout his career. In spite of all this, I encourage you to try and watch this movie with an open mind. Is it a classic? Maybe, but certainly not in the classic way. Check out it for yourselves.

*

Up next, a film that words cannot do justice. Freddy Krueger + Bollywood = win. Stay tuned...

Mondo Dictionary: Remake-quels

The movie industry is just overwhelmed with 'quels.' You have sequels and prequels, which dramatically flood the market. Less prevalent is the side-quel, which occasionally pop up in form of the Inspector Clouseau films. The one that is a weird blight on the whole thing though is today's subject...

The Remake-quel

This is a strange one, so let me explain. This is when you make a film sequel, but it is basically just a remake too. Confusing? Somewhat. I'll explain...

Damien: The Omen, Part II- This is a sequel, except for the fact that it ignores the ending where he is adopted by the President. The only problem: it's the same movie! He gets adopted by a family, kills anyone that gets too close, the dad tries to kill him and he ends up surviving. The story goes nowhere (see how The Omen III time-jumps) and nothing changes, save for his age.

The Rage: Carrie II- The same High School from the first film runs into the same events from the first film, while also addressing the original in this TV film. How is this unique? Oh, I see- it's because it is more recent. Right...

Firestarter II: Rekindled- A government group attempts the same experiments from the first film (with Drew Barrymore) and with the same results in this TV movie. Again- what is new here? Anything? Okay, I guess not.

That's all I can take, quite frankly. These movies only come along once in a while, but they do immeasurable damage to creativity in the process. Stop making these movies, Hollywood! That is all. Stay tuned...

Import/Export: Pakistani Dracula

I should probably mention again just how much I love Mondo Macabro. This company is the one that is going to supply me with a couple of this weeks- as well as this month's- reviews. Their willingness to unearth every crazy, international film is what helps me get up in the morning. I mean, that and Crystal Meth. Today's film is one of their early releases that had gone out of print for a while. They brought it back in time for someone like me to finally decide to see it. Was it worth the wait? Can a country like that deliver on Bram Stoker's story? Find out all of these answers and more in my review of...

The Living Corpse (aka Pakistani Dracula)

Our story begins with a mad doctor trying to create a potion. His female assistant tries to dissuade him, but he has none of it. He finally completes his work, drinks the potion...and dies. Congratulations, you made poison! Through the magic of trick photography, his face changes to a pale shade (this is B&W) and he awakens in his coffin! Now dressed like a real vampire (read: all black and cape), he goes to his assistant's room, surprising her, and bites her. This brings up our title card. So, to review, a Doctor drinks a potion and turns into Dracula- that's a new one for you! Our story changes to that of a different Doctor who comes into town to see our titular villain. This is another aspect taken from the book, but changed in a curious way. He's not visiting to sell him land, so why is he there? No great reason comes to mind. They touch upon the usual riffs (there are no servants, 'the creatures of the night,' etc). All goes fairly normally until our hero decides to go downstairs, whereupon he runs into the assistant in a night dress. She decides to entice him with a silly dance number. No, really. Mind you, it is still nothing compared to what you will say Tuesday. After all of that, she goes for the bite, but our villain stops her. Nobody takes his food, dammit!

*

The man manages to ward off the villain with a cross, but too much has already happened. The vampire has seen his wife and wants some of her. He wanders out in the morning and tries to kill both vampires. He stabs the lady through the heart with a knife (not silver) and moves on to the Doctor. He was ready and, since the coffins are in the attic, he is free to move about and kill the man. To keep this film at full-length, his brother comes into town looking for him. He finds the castle and the crypt, with only his brother inside. He goes to stab him as the film fades out. It returns with him talking to the man's wife and her family. The father does not believe his story, so he insists on proving it. When they go their, nothing suspicious can be found. Our villain is already on the move, since the film did not make his estate dramatically far away from that of our heroes. He sneaks in one night and bites the sister, which confuses everyone except our lead. Of course, nobody believes his crazy ass! The film shows it cultural issues by mentioning that a child was killed by a vampire, but showing us nothing. Despite our hero's efforts, the girl dies from blood loss. He tells the dad that they must decapitate her, but he, shockingly, is against it. You'll change your tune!

*

They build up the girl's return as a vampire quite well, hinting at it with the young girl mentioning that she was visited. Our hero and dad watch the graveyard, although the latter still does not believe. Right as he says 'screw this,' his daughter walks back with the young girl in tow. They stop her before she can be bitten, thankfully. The go the next night to find the fiend, but he takes advantage then. Someone calls the house and reports an accident involving the men, so the wife calls a cab. It goes past her destination and the driver is revealed to be our villain. If you ever wanted to see Dracula in a car chase (as opposed to Frankenstein's monster), then you are in luck. Our heroes battle the monster, but do about as well as these characters usually do (see Dracula: Dead and Loving It or 1973's Dracula). After a fairly-lengthy fight, our lead hero saves the day by complete accident. He grabs a stick, which just happens to be holding one of the windows shut. It opens up and the sunlight kills Dracula. Just like in Blacula, they do a nice, lengthy body-breakdown scene. The culmination of this is when a plaster mold of the man's head cracks in two- ouch! All is well, unless you are the brother or the wife. The End.

*

This movie is good, but quite strange. At times, it is a strong adherent to the book. Hell, it is more adherent than Bram Stoker's Dracula by Coppola! The cultural changes and quirks are what really sell the movie. Their Dracula was clearly molded after Christopher Lee (this movie is from 1967) and does a good job, even if he looks silly at times. The acting is solid and the movie is well-shot. If you are a huge fan of the original story, the redundancy of scenes may bother you a bit, but this is par for the course for these movies. If you like B-movies, this is a solid choice for you. The filmmakers did what they could and that should at least be commended. The DVD has an interviewer with the two stars (one of whom was also the director) and they talk about the troubles with the film. Sufficed to say, the film scared Pakistani audiences 42 years ago. I doubt that there is a better version- if there even is another one- of this film out there, so, as always, you are safe when picking Mondo Macabro.

*

Next up, I celebrate a holiday about a Spanish man and his boat with a film by a Spanish man about a boat. Oh and it has zombies. Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Zombie 4 & Zombie 5

You want to know how hard it is to decipher films from each other? Check out some of the films that are called Zombie 4. You have...

*A Virgin Among the Living Dead
*Hell of the Living Dead (aka Virus aka Zombie Inferno aka Zombie Creeping Flesh)
*After Death (aka Zombie Flesh Eaters 3), which is the most commonly-associated film.

Now let's look at all of the official Zombie 5 films out there...

*Hell of the Living Dead (aka Virus aka Zombie Inferno aka Zombie Creeping Flesh)
*Revenge in the House of Usher, which is not even about zombies at all.
*Killing Birds (the official version, at least as far as that goes).

You may have noticed that Hell of the Living Dead appeared twice there. That is not a typo. That is just the joy of international movie releasing and retitling. Gotta love it!

Blockbuster Trash: Gamebox 1.0

Who thought up the 'killer video game' film idea? It's so damn silly, but gets a lot of traction. Go to any video store and you will find at least three (one of which stars the kid from Malcolm in the Middle)! I guess it got some traction after The Matrix, which is arguably a killer computer movie in the vein of War Games. Much more in the vein of The Lawnmower Man 2: Caleb's War than the Wachowski Brothers' film is today's movie. It has almost no real budget, terrible acting and a plot right out of Sega CD game. Let's jump right into...

Gamebox 1.0

The film begins by introducing us to our hero, a guy who we can tell is depressed by the subtlety used in the making of his look. Uncombed hair? Check. Slacker clothing that implies personal apathy? Check. No ability to act in any way other than an Emo punk-ass? Big check. So our hero goes to work at a generic game company that has a staff about six people (counting him). He goes back to his apartment and discovers a package. It contains a new game system that is just a box and a headband. Man, the new Wii is even weirder than before! No, it's actually the titular machine that asks him to 'play a game.' He goes along with it and plays a game where he has to fight crime. This is our first- but nowhere the last- glimpse of this film's bad green screen budget. To put it bluntly, online video game reviewers can do better. It is called Crime Spree and features a bit with him driving a motorcycle on a nearly empty street. Feel the drama of no obstacles or traffic! He gets in a gunfight with some bad guys and learns that he can feel pain here. The system lets him quit, but warns that he can only do this one more time. This is key for later.

*

He questions some guys at work (read: two) and learns that nobody else got the system! We get some filler with him at his usual restaurant, in his usual spot and with the usual lady. This really only pays off at the very end, so let's move on. I should mention the scene where he relives the tragedy that made him into a 30 Seconds to Mars fan. He is out with his lady and they decide to break into a parking lot. They climb under the fence, but fail to notice the cop there. He says 'Stop or I'll shoot' and fires six or seven bullets into her. Okay, that's a lie. He actually shoots her and then says 'stop or I'll shoot!' He somehow got acquitted of murder and is still a cop. This will also play out a bit later. Our hero goes back in the game and runs across a familiar face: that of his dead girlfriend. The game explains that it picked the faces for characters out of his memory, which also explains why the villains all look like the cop. He is a bit fazed by this, but the threat of real death makes him focus on the mission. They go around, her being completely unaware of who he thinks she is, and really overuse the film filter effect. You're not Sin City, so stop it! They are being chased because a briefcase that is handcuffed to the lady's wrist and go into a portal.

*

The movie continues to get worse and worse as it goes on. They go into zombie world and get chased by shadows. By the way, turning your horror film into Captain N: The Game Master is never a good idea. Some avatars of his friends show up and pretty much embrace the 'virtual world of death' thing. After some bad effects shots and running, they end up in the third world: alien world. They are besieged by terrible alien space ships and resort to mindless shooting scenes with digitally-inserted lasers. I would rather watch Battle Planet than this right now! They get into a building, but are cornered by the cop/villain. They finally learn what is in the briefcase: the Gamebox! So the machine is...in...the machine's game and...aw, screw it. They trick the villain and escape, but the girl can't leave. She tells our hero to 'let go' and he does. In the real world, he decides to date the waitress & the Gamebox gets delivered to the cop. Ha ha...ironic. No wait, it's just dumb. The End.

*

This movie really, really sucked. It was shot almost entirely on green screen and not done all that well. Most of the time, the 'interaction' was lazily done and unconvincing. Our hero was laughable & the contrast was just stupid. He combs his hair forward and wears glasses in real life (because he's depressed), but has no glasses and slicks his hair back in the game world. To make it sillier, he keeps his game look at the end. So being happy has corrected your eyes? Sign me up! The movie is just not as clever as it thinks it is. The whole thing about the Gamebox being the ticket out of the Gamebox by having an 'Exit' button on it is just trite. Fail, movie! This is not getting into the underwritten supporting characters and bad action scenes. The whole virtual fights fail because the effects are just so lackluster. Why should I care about this crap? Why should you?

*

Up next, Dracula gets re-invented by a small country known as Pakistan. You have to be curious, don't you? Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Scanners III

Another day and another Scanners sequel. It just blows your mind, doesn't it? I apologize...for not using that joke last time. Anyhow, I would like to take at look at Scanners III. This film has some snazzy poster art to lure you in...

Okay, that one is strange. Why is that man on fire? He's not Denzel Washington or Scott Glenn! Is he being shot by a flamethrower? I need to watch this film and find out. By the way, see if this effect looks familiar...

Yeah, it's basically a Dragonball Z charge-up. It's sad that I can tell that, really.

Next on the agenda, a look at a famous example of vague cover art being a blessing. Stay tuned...

Lucha: Santo y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos

Who wants to talk about Mexican wrestling? I know- we all do! Back in the 1960s and 70s, there is one gigantic name in Lucha Libre (aka Mexican wrestling): El Santo! He was the man! As a result, he had a Rock-style movie career that spanned years and numerous genres. The man has been in action films, dramas and horror films. Since this is October, I am going to cover the latter. While he made many of them and faced many of the world's greatest monsters including Dracula and Frankenstein's monster, he only faced numerous monsters in one film. This is...

Santo y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos

There is honestly not a lot of plot in this movie, but I will give you the gist of it. An evil scientist is brought back to life by some evil midgets and plans to get revenge on El Santo. Man, if I had a dime for every time that I heard this plot! His evil plan involves resurrecting a whole bunch of monsters. What monsters, you ask? We've got...
*Dracula- taking time away from battling Billy the Kid and going into space- to threaten Santo.
*The Wolfman, who apparently has a big, silly nose.
*The Mummy, who seems to be on the Nicole Richie diet.
*Frankenstein's monster, who manages to be skilled enough to drive a car!
*Two Vampire Women, who are pretty much enticing and interchangeable.
*A Cyclops monster that is never explained. Where did it come from?

*

I suppose that you want more plot than that? I guess I can indulge you for a little bit. Our heroes battle the monsters in a few places. First, the vampire disguises himself as a wrestler and faces Santo. This is not to be confused with the real footage of Santo and his partner Gory Guerrero Sr. (the relative of the more famous Eddie Guerrero) battling. Wrestling filler footage is commonplace in these movies, so it's best that you get used to it. Another scene has the monsters breaking up stock footage of a musical act (more silly filler) that our heroes are at. Another thing to get used to is the fact that our heroes never unmask & nobody ever questions why people are dressed up in suits, but still wearing masks. The evil villain captures Blue Demon and makes a clone of him. This gives us the epic battle of Santo vs. Demon! Who will win the day? Will good defeat evil? Who do you think?

*

This movie is strange and surreal. It's a movie about Mexican wrestlers battling evil monsters and a mad scientist! What else is there to say? I could mention that Santo starred in 52 films or that Demon starred in 25 of his own! These guys were workhorses, I tell you! They just cranked out these films, most of which have loose plots about evil doctors or monsters. On top of that, the movies were filled with other stars, including Mil Mascaras and Rayo de Jalisco. The films are just plain fun, even if there are cultural differences and curious plots to them. These films are hard to track down, but totally worth it. To see a great one, check out my old review of another. As a bonus, I should mention that both men have sons that have maintained their legacy and expanded upon them (Demon's adopted son is the first Mexican to win the NWA Title). Good on ya, amigos!

*

Next up, a film about video games and crappy CG. Somewhere during all of this, we meet the world's worst cop. Stay tuned...

Random Notes

I don't do this too often, so I thought that you could use a basic Status update.

*All is well. I should probably say more than that, huh?

*I have a bunch of crazy, foreign reviews planned for you guys. I want to really stand out amongst all the movie blogs that are doing horror movie reviews this month. Pakistani horror should help, right?

*I had a good Paul Naschy film to review, but the damn disc was scratched to hell. Sadly, that one gets pushed down the pike a bit.

*A William Castle box-set appears to be coming out near the end of this month. This means that I can review some of the out-of-print films of his like Mr. Sardonicus and 13 Ghosts. Look for those down the pike, as well.

*Tonight's review will be out a bit late tonight. I'll make up for this precedent with some solid stuff tomorrow. Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Hell of the Living Dead

How have I put off talking about this movie? I mean, it's a zombie film out of Italy that was made by Bruno Mattei, the man behind Rats and Strike Commando. Maybe it was because I did not have a blog at the time that I saw it. Even so, the first thing to write about is 'Holy shit, Bruno Mattei made his own zombie movie!' Instead, I talked about Gymkata, which does have its own spot in hell, mind you. Before I go a step beyond self-deprecation and just go into self-flagellation, maybe I should just review this movie. The thing about it is that it has so many other shitty moments in it that get overshadowed by the specter of 'Bruno Mattei directed it.' Let's just dig right into...

Hell of the Living Dead

The movie begins with a very long credit sequence that immediately sets you to the right level of disappointment. How does it do it so quickly? By giving you the credit of 'Music by The Goblin.' Oh great, I love Goblin (the band behind the soundtrack of Suspiria and most early Argento films)! It is a moment later that you realize that this 'Music by The Goblin' is the same 'Music by The Goblin' from Europe's cut of Dawn of the Dead. Bruno counters the argument that the Italian zombie films are a rip-off of Romero's work by stealing the soundtrack from a Romero film? Fail. Oh right, the movie! The movie begins with a commando group sent in to break up a hostage situation in a vague-looking building. They act like big, macho jerks, thus defining the entire breadth of their characters. They shoot up the bad guys in the least convincing way possible- aside from those films in which people don't bleed when shot- and go off on vacation to celebrate. Since this is a zombie film, you know what is going to happen. Only, logic does not play a part in this zombie outbreak, people.

*

I'll spare you all of the techno-babble, since it hurts so badly, and just tell you that a nuclear leak occurs and zombies break out. You wanted more logic than that? You are watching the wrong damn movie, people! Out in the woods/jungle (it varies between scenes), a reporter is out doing a local piece. They run across a ghost town and some undead trouble. Meanwhile, our heroes show up and find their R&R ruined. Although, to be fair, people like this may actually find this more relaxing. They take to the whole 'zombie-killing' thing pretty well, I must say. Do you want to stop for a moment and name all the cliches on hand? Shambling zombies? Obviously, yes. Zombie kids? Yep. Okay, break over. In between stock footage, our heroes drive, run and drive some more. Even in the face of that, more crazy shit happens that just has to be seen to be believed. My favorite: the scene where they send the woman into a tribe of New Guinea natives. How? By slapping paint all over the half-naked, white woman. No, I'm not kidding! As a nice aside, the movie features a reporter and her camera man attacked by zombies, a good 20+ years ahead of ORec.

*

The movie has so little plot that you just have to focus on the characters. What we get are a bunch of psychopaths, who put on woman's dresses, taunt zombies and just generally laugh in the face of death. Of course, given that this is an Italian zombie film, most of them meet grisly deaths. The film just sort of rambles along aimlessly, occasionally stopping for a zombie attack. Any more narrative than 'let's go away' is not worth this movie's time. They go towards the source of the plague- good call- and ultimately die at the hands of unconvincing gore. Watching the woman get her face punched out from behind is interesting, even if it is a page right out of Zombie 4's finale. But the movie does not end here. Instead, we get a bad facsimile of New York (stock footage and undefined location shots) that is under attack by a zombie plague...somehow. The End.

*

Yeah, this movie is bad. Even by Bruno's standards, this movie hurts. It has almost no real plot (zombie outbreak occurs and people wander around) and terrible acting. Mind you, the whole thing is dubbed, so any good performance has probably been killed. Of course, I just used the word 'good' in relation to a Mattei film, which makes me feel unclean. One problem that is prevalent in this film, as in all Mattei films that I have seen, is excessive padding. Take the jungle wandering scenes in Strike Commando and Robowar or the science segments in Rats. Hell, his entire contribution to Zombi 3 is padding! The man never made a good film in his life (R.I.P. Bruno) and this is no exception. At least he was consistent.

*

Up next, another review that has been a long time coming. Mexican wrestlers, Dracula and a Cyclops- oh my! Stay tuned...

80's Fun: The Being

First off, two notes to make. One- I apologize for not getting Blood Feast II done last night. My other blog took longer than I thought it would. Two- Thanks to Carl for giving me the push to finally see this movie.

*

There is one horror movie catalyst that is often forgotten amongst the zombie outbreaks and vampire plagues- toxic waste. Many famous films have used this device- including The Horror of Party Beach- but it never caught on in a major way. In spite of that, this lost 80s film is actually quite interesting and deserves another look. Does it all make sense? No, not really. The pacing and rhythm is pretty weird too, but none of this really kills the movie. Besides, it has Martin Landau playing a corporate asshole- what's not to like? For more information, check out my review of...

The Being

The film begins with the 'trailer voice' guy talking about the town of Pottsville and how it is peaceful. I do have to ask: why is he in the actual film? He is supposed to be in the trailers, but that's it. After that much plot, we get several killings. No, I'm not kidding. Mind you, we do get a little plot, but it is mostly four or five kill scenes in quick succession. Not only that, but the means and method of killings vary. One couple is killed by seeping ooze, while one man is chased by a P.O.V. camera & a stoner is killed by a fully-formed monster (albeit not shown yet). Not that 80s horror films are the bastions of logic and common sense, but could you guys just pick a monster form and stick with it. Next, you are going to have a tiny monster baby sitting in a hole. Oh, come on! As this escalates, our two sub-plots begin to form. On one hand, we have a corporate lackey (Landau) who talks about how there is no problem with nuclear waste being dumped into the water resevoir! Life sure is fun on 3 Mile Island, huh? The other plot involves our hero: the sheriff. He does not buy into the whole 'monster' theory when he first hears it (mind you, it was from a stoner). Of course, when it chases him, he changes his tune- the hypocrite.

After his close encounter with the 'Evil Dead camera,' our hero wants to warn the locals about the threat. The local government- while appreciative of his Sheriff Brody impression- decide that it is not worth the risk for a theory. Meanwhile, more waste gets dumped into the water as part of the deal. Quick aside- we never really see said dumping. Why is that? It is just sort of an odd omission. Anyhow, a couple more people bite the dust, while the town celebrates their devotion to chastity and honor. I sense some irony in the film, but I just can't place it! Landau continues to be a complete and utter tool, until he sees evidence of the thing first hand. Faster than you can say 'lazy screenwriting,' he is helping our hero catch the beast. Their first attempt goes badly as the monster latches onto the moving vehicle and won't let go. They end up blowing up the car, but the monster is not dead. If exploding elevators won't kill the monster from Xtro II, what chance does a car have here? We get a couple of other subplots fighting for attention as well, including a love interest and a woman who lost her mind after she lost her kid to the monster. Who cares about that though when you have a monster battle?

If you thought that the weird pacing with the kills was something, wait until you see the ending of this movie. For over ten minutes, we get our two heroes trapped in a building with the monster. They don't really cut to much else of interest in this scene, so the pair have to handle the load. After so many quick kills, the monster is much more content to beat up and toss around our heroes. It finally kills off Landau- about time- but still wants to brutalize our sole surviving hero. Get used to it, people. He finally manages to defeat the monster and does the arduous task of climbing up a rope ladder to freedom. The film ends with an odd wrap-up sequence right out of Animal House- really- and the required sequel bait. Sorry guys, it didn't happen. The End.

This movie is good, but definitely a little bit twisted. So many killing scenes are jammed into the early part of the film, as if to layer the trailer with great moments. Mind you, these scenes are varied (like I said, maybe a little) and interesting. The movie is a bit daring to show you so little of the monster for so long, but that does come with a price. For modern horror fans, this may be a letdown, since it features so many perspective shots. Like Dead & Buried, it is not a perfect (it features Ruth Buzzi, after all) film, but it deserves loads more attention than it gets right now. Many one-off films from this era like this get lost in the wake of the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th films. Give this one a rent if you have not seen it. If nothing else, it is unique.

Up next, a review that has been a long time coming. A zombie film like no other...in that it is uniquely-terrible. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Blood Feast II

After a 30 year hiatus from films to run an advertisement company, H. G. Lewis returned to film. What would be the project to bring him back? How about a sequel to one of his most famous and iconic films? He decided to do another Blood Feast film, a movie that, admittedly, has almost no plot. Guy goes crazy, kills woman and gets caught- Kurosawa it is not! The issue is going to be whether or not he is too rusty. In addition, have times changed too much for him to be relevant anymore? Let's find out in my review of...

Blood Feast II: All You Can Eat

The film begins with some really bad music. I know that the whole 'surf rock revival' thing was big at the time, but this just hurts. Oh yeah, the movie. The grandson of the killer from Blood Feast moves into the same town, buys the same catering company building and decides to set up shop in the exact same way. He seems oddly surprised when this town of 30 people (at best) thinks that he is up to no good. He does everything save for wearing a shirt that says 'I love murder!' By the way, he gets possessed by an evil statue of Ishtar that is kept in the back of the building. Creepy statues are not the kind of things that the police confiscate from insane murderers? Alright then. This is set-up in the beginning by two hobos that kill each other in the statue's light. Of course, the rest of the time, the statue wants human sacrifices, but whatever. The movie gives us a couple of kills- including a naked lady with a drill through her head- but starts to lean towards comedy. I'm worried now.

*

Despite the non-budget and brutal killings, the movie insists that it is a 'wacky' comedy. Think that I am exaggerating? Check out the names of our two Detectives: Loomis and Meyers. Ha ha ha- uncreative! The women in the film are given pun names like Bambi Deere and Brandi Alexander. Can't you at least do what Joe Dante did in The Howling and name the characters after directors of other werewolf movies? As the killings escalate, so do the conveniences of plot. Our villain is hired to do the catering for a wedding in town, which happens to be between the young cop and our female lead. The victims are all of the bridesmaids for the wedding, proving yet again that is much safer to be a man in a Lewis film. The fat cop does not want to investigate the obvious murder, but, to be fair, he is also a terrible cop. He brings food to crime scenes and handles every piece of evidence. This makes the cops in The Gore Gore Girls look like Columbo! He mainly refuses to believe in the man's overt guilt because of all the free food he is given when he visits. On the flip-side, we get the mother of the bride, who is a horrible bitch. I would be nicer, but this is the extent of how she was written. Any redemption or humanity given to her? Nope- just death by eye-stabbing.

*

The movie only gets stupider and sillier as it goes on. After becoming entranced by the statue himself, the young cop completely changes his tune, just as the fat cop gets some sense. To keep this plot alive, he gives up again when his partner complains about his caterer possibly being arrested. Before this, we are treated to *sigh* a lingerie party held for our heroine. This leads to one of the most confusing scene juxtapositions ever. We see two woman go off, flaunt their bodies and then get attacked. We cut to the cops going to a crime scene, looking around and much time seemingly-passing. When we cut back, the girls are only beginning to wonder about their friends who are one room away! The wedding gives us a bunch of cameo appearances, including John Waters as a priest. This is the level of subtlety we get, folks! They finally confront our villain, who goes down in seconds- letdown. The other cop shows his possession by stabbing the mother, but dies when the statue falls on him. Oh no, the plastic statue must have weighed a ton! The End? Thankfully, yes.

*

Oh, how I wanted to love this movie? Finally, a Lewis film made in the modern era of film! Unfortunately, the 'modern' aspect of the film appeared to allude Herschell. Apparently, the film is supposed to be done ironically, which is why we get all the stilted acting/delivery and the stupid dialogue. I can maybe accept that if some hint is given towards that- there is none. As it stands, the movie is a painfully-strange comedy with lots of gore and silly effects. Some real Lewis touches are slipped in, such as when he peels the lady's face off like you would with a banana. As much as some people dislike The Gore Gore Girls, the film is an absurdist comedy that makes its intentions known. This is just painful. Mind you, my feelings about Troma-style comedy do play a part here, so your opinion may differ. So much could have been done with this, but it just fell flat for me. Maybe his Grim Fairy Tales will be better- this one only took six years to get done.

*

Next up, toxic waste comes back to get revenge on Martin Landau. Need I say any more? Stay tuned...

A Rare Case: The Mangler 3

While movies are very important, the menus are key. Consider that it is your way to navigate to all the features and aspects of the film that you want to see. It is like a book having an upside down cover with an arrow pointing upwards. So what is the DVD equivalent of that? The DVD menu to The Mangler 3...

Okay, I'm confused. Is there a Scene Selection at all? Are there optional languages, a Commentary Track or even subtitles for the deaf/hard of hearing? Well, let's look at what they offer as a Special Features...

Oh, you put everything in this menu, huh? That's really, really stupid. Given the film, I should not be surprised.

Up next, a pair of menus that are even worse! No, really. Stay tuned...

The Real Godfather: The Gore Gore Girls

Let's face it: Herschell Gordon Lewis was a very busy man in the 1960s. He had a lot on his plate and delivered many great films like Blood Feast and A Taste of Blood (a very underrated film). Mind you, he also gave us the re-edit of Monster a-Go-Go as well (he didn't write or direct it though). He had done so many films in such a short time that he ran the risk of over-exposing himself and becoming a one-note director. For example, as much good as he has done, George A. Romero is 'the zombie guy.' The man decided to stop making films, but he needed a big swan song to go out on. This brings us to today's film...

The Gore Gore Girls

Our film begins with a vicious murder via face meeting of a mirror. Literally, we get one murder and the titles within the first minute of the film. Trying to set the bar appropriately, I see. We cut to our lead: a detective named Abraham Gentry (who looks like a Tuturro). He is hired by a young woman working for a newspaper to solve the murder. He is paid $25,000 of 1972 money to do so and he gets another $25,000 if he solves it. We immediately learn that this guy is a giant jerk. He is caustic and biting to the woman who is literally only there to give him money. He mocks her, sets up an offer of sex in order to be able to decline it and just generally tries to be a douche-bag. He goes to a bar and runs afoul of a waitress that does not like him. In fairness, he really has it coming. He gets information about another girl from a stripper (after the show, mind you) by way of a $50 bill. Before he goes there, a woman is viciously attacked with a hammer. Her face is smashed up, her eyes are placed back on it and then cut up again. This movie never flinches in the face of blood. Will you?

*

After being rude to the police, our hero goes back to the bar with our heroine in tow. He plans to get her drunk, but first wastes his time on an obvious red herring in the form of a crazy Vietnam vet. He also runs into the same waitress, who I'm sure is just an ancillary character and nothing more. Just a note: the waitress changes outfits every times she goes off-camera, making her four outfits for two scenes. Another possible culprit appears in the form of a Women's Rights group. Normally, they would not be, but this is a Lewis film, so the odds are in their favor. After talking to our hero, another girl bites the dust. Her throat is cut, her ass is mangled with a meat tenderizer, it is seasoned and her eyes are plucked out. The latter part of that takes place while parade music plays in the background. Only in a Lewis film! When confronted by the police, Mr. Gentry leads the police in the wrong direction- my hero! Make note of the police's uniforms, which are just blue shirts with badly-stitched 'Police' emblems on the sleeves. After another throat-slitting, a woman gets her face burned by an iron and her nipples cut off. This causes one to spurt out regular milk and another to spurt out chocolate. Her roommate comes home and gets drowned in boiling fry water. I don't say that everyday!

*

Despite having so little actual plot, the movie keeps going. Henny Youngman has a small role as a strip club owner...since the movie is not surreal enough. The waitress appears twice (in two different outfits), despite the fact that nobody likes her. An amateur striptease contest takes place at the same club from every other scene & it is all a plot to lure out the killer. Gentry brings the reporter along and gets her drunk, leading her to do a striptease on stage too! Of course, because she did not sign the form, all of her nudity is implied. He takes the woman back to his place, which causes our killer to show up! Our hero intercedes, revealing our killer to be: the waitress! Our hero is so excited about proving the case that he brags to the audience. You're not Woody Allen, so stop that! The woman flees out the window, but falls and has her head run over by a passing car. In a bit of last minute exposition, it is explained that she was a former wrestler and stripper who got burned in a fire. She was so jealous of the strippers that she killed and maimed them. The lady does not take being used as bait very well at first, but changes her mind quickly. Before anything serious happens, Gentry pulls down a curtain on the film. Not cool...or logical, man! The End.

*

This movie is really, really weird. The plot is silly, basically just stringing together murders with a very loose narrative. They give you super-tiny hints towards the killer's motive, but the culprit is not exactly hard to decipher. Gee, I wonder if it's the character that keeps popping up for no good reason again and again?!? The death scenes are just extremely self-indulgent and strange. None of the dummies used for them look remotely real, but do have a creepy quality in and of themselves. One thing I did not touch on was the music, which consists of about three to four song cues used over and over again. Mind you, it beats Good-bye Uncle Tom's use of only two songs for a nearly three-hour film! The effect is off-putting though when he uses the silly music during a couple of maiming scenes. What exactly are you trying to say, Herschell? With its dark, humorous tone and crazy killing scenes, the movie is definitely not for everyone. For those who like the twisted stuff, but don't necessarily like the current bit of 'torture porn' out there, this is a good rental. Or you could just watch it on Instant Viewing via Netflix. You'll miss out on Lewis' commentary though.

*

Next up, Lewis' big return was 30 years in the making. Is it like fine wine or old, stinky cheese? Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Scanners II

First off, there is a Scanners II. While this might be known in the obscure movie community, it is not exactly common knowledge. This is, of course, not getting into Scanners III, IV (aka Scanner Cop) and V (aka Scanner Cop II). These are all subjects for another day. I want to show you just what was done with the promotional work for this film to entice the audience into watching...

Trying to simulate the famous duel from the end of the movie and the exploding head bit at once (note the angle of the head)- daring. Good work by all.

How is the actual film? By all accounts, it's alright. It's not great or terrible. Not as big of a letdown as Alone In The Dark, but still a letdown all the same.

Next up, let's give the third film a shot. It won't disappoint- will it?

Straw Deaths: Scarecrow Gone Wild

More scarecrow films are out there, people! Believe it or not, this strange sub-genre continues to thrive. Yeah, I don't get it either. In spite of my feelings, there is another series of these movies to cover- the Scarecrow series. I know, creativity abounds, right? There are three of these movies including Scarecrow (yawn), Scarecrow Slayer (Metal meets straw?) and today's film. Yes, I chose to do the third film last, because, well, it sounded funnier. It has a revenge plot, scarecrow possession and former wrestler/UFC fighter Ken Shamrock trying to act. Curious now? Read on to my review of...

The film begins with a long scene of a woman running in a field from a scarecrow killer. Any more setup than that? Nope. We also don't have to wait long for Ed Wood-style gaffes as the woman starts to climb up a hay pile in mid-morning, only to jump from a shot of her doing it near sunset. Either she is slow or this movie sucks- guess which one I believe! After all the running, the monster cuts her throat and we reveal...that it was all a story by some jocks who have 'fresh meat' for initiation. This scene gets a bit homoerotic as the new guys are in their underwear and in the shower room surrounded by other guys. Thankfully, Ken Shamrock and his wooden acting break up this scene and he threatens the team leaders about not going through an initiation. One of them promises that they won't, but the others are not exactly on-board with this. The good one makes/entices his friend to come along with the promise of a girl, whom he promptly goes off with. By the nice one, I mean it in a relative way. By the way, watch for the girl's extremely-visible mic attachment in one scene.

We are spared much of the initiation (thank God), but cut to when the guy our hero made come along spazzes out and attacks the guys- not that he is lacking for a reason. They tie him to the same cross from the story and leave. We cut to our hero and the girl having sex, although you only see enough to know that you are going to see nothing. Did that make sense at all? The jocks head to the beach and send the 'fresh meat' to go get him. While they head there, he seemingly dies and gets possessed by the scarecrow that he was tied to (it was on the cross as well). They get there, but get picked off one-by-one by the monster. Yeah, kill them for...being tortured as much as you and trying to help you later. The morals here are as ambiguous as Creepshow 3! The guys make a call to our hero before they die, which sends him and the lady out to get him. The movie cuts drastically from real light (read: almost none) to a dramatic spotlight. In the wake of film's like Feast III, I appreciate being able to see things, but not when it is so badly-done. Our hero explains that the guy is a diabetic and has gone into shock. They take him to a hospital run by the girl's dad, which is apparently under dramatic construction. More killings please.

The movie makes us wait for our killings, but, when they come, they come in quick succession. First, we get lots of character work with our jocks and their ladies. One of them got drunk one night with one of the girls while his girlfriend was away. This leads to a lot of *sigh* teen angst...even though our cast is in their 20s. Oh and one of them appears topless a couple of times for no reason (I did not vid-cap that, sorry). As more time-filler, we get a sub-plot with one of the guys being a songwriter, one with people talking about how they can't tell the girl about the affair and a volleyball game montage. Our heroes show up and berate the jocks, but lose all indignity when it's revealed that they hid the guy's Diabetes from everyone. Everyone starts to get along until the affair is revealed and the couples goes off to fight/talk. Both of them are killed by the scarecrow (one off-screen- dammit) and the girl who is guilty goes down a short while later (mostly off-screen). The guys get all happy and watch one of them sing his song. As soon as he finishes, the Scarecrow gives his review via a pole (the one for the volleyball net) tossed through the man's chest! The lone black guy dies after being vaguely choked as everyone else runs off.

They run into the coach (I have skipped his non-interesting scenes in the summary) who explains that the Scarecrow curse actually started with him and his friends at the school years ago. Nobody can escape it, he explains, which is why it ignored him for 20 years! He shows off his MMA-style briefly before being choked out with a sleeper hold- really! They search for his car and flag down a passing truck, only for it to actually be driven by the Scarecrow! He runs down the other girl and we get our second 'dramatic spotlight in the dark' scene. At the hospital, they try to save their friend from his coma, thinking that it will end the curse. After some so-so action, they shock the monster with a defibrillator, which actually means that they are zapping their friend. He wakes up and the monster dies. Oh wait, they need to do it again. Stupid movie tease! We get our oddly-happy ending as the Coach did not actually die, merely got knocked out. Stupid monster or stupid writing- you decide! The End...

What do you mean 'there's more?!?' They keep going until they reveal that the Scarecrow spirit is still in the young man. They do this by showing him looking at his reflection in the mirror and seeing the beast. He kills the dumb jock (on-screen) and the Coach (off-screen). Our heroes figure this out when they see him in the mirror and see the monster reflection. That's not how it should work! He chases our heroes to a Chapel (must be a Christian college) where he battles with our male lead. This would be an easy fight if it were not for our villain developing- I kid you not- electrical powers. Apparently, defibrillators do that to everyone! He reverses the curse, sees that he has the monster reflection and impales his heart on a nearby cross. Hurray- the movie is over. Right? The End.

This movie is bad for so many reasons. The writing is stupid, the direction is tepid and it is just uninspired. They just combined the ghost killer with the scarecrow movie and a possession story. That's not even talking about the weirdly tacked-on ending. The result of this is a really weird Chapter selection. The movie is put into 8 Chapters, one of which is the closing credits! Chapter 7 is nearly half an hour, so as not to reveal the third act surprise! This is not still not mentioning things that I left out. For example, Gone Wild has three topless scenes. The first two involve the dad's new girlfriend and the latter was already addressed. First, she walks in on the phone call to made before the trip with no top on. When he gets called that night, she is topless in bed with him. This served what purpose again?!? The most fun you will have is with the stupid effects (especially the lightning one above) and the ironic things about when it was made (2004). Have you ever seen Ken Shamrock and a blue iMac in one room? You have now.

Next up, another H.G. Lewis classic involving murder, strippers and some odd fourth-wall breaking. Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Displaced

It's not often that you can find British movies at a video store that don't begin with the words 'Monty Python' or 'Sherlock Holmes and...' Even more rare is it to find a bad kung-fu movie that does not come out of Asia or Central California. So what are the odds that you would find both in one weird little package? Apparently, there is at least 1%, since my friends and I managed to do just that. This movie, according to the internet, was born out of a short film that got government funding to become full-length. So far, I can compare it to Peter Jackson's Bad Taste, but will the good comparisons end there? Do you think that I would be reviewing it here if it was great? Get real now, people. This is...

Displaced

The film begins with a bit of opening narration by Ian McKellen! Oh wow, he's in this movie?!? What's that, you say? He only does the narration and has nothing else to do with the film? Well, screw you then. The movie quickly gets away from that star and introduces us to our lead...a guy I've never seen before. Just like the unknown guy from Hellboy, his role is to be around and have the cast explain how the secret government organization works. By all means, elaborate on your secret organization! Fortunately, we get away from this character set-up when two aliens (read: humans) break into the building. A long chase and series of shoot-out ensues, ending with both of them (one man, one woman) being shot to death. Wow, that movie was brief. I guess I'll just...oh, the guy comes back to life, apparently. It seems that bullets cannot kill him, although his lady friend is not so lucky. That's the kind of logic that I've come to expect from movies like this. So we've got an alien on the loose. Continue...

*

Basically, we get a mix of chasing, intrigue and more chasing. Our lead begins to wonder about whether the government agents have any ulterior motives, which they do. The alien runs around and people talk about their plans. We also get introduced to the lead villain- a top agent named Radius. Why, Radius? Because anyone that gets in his immediate radius. I'll let you in on a little secret though- he is played Mark Strange, the same man who plays the karate-wielding alien. Kind of puts a damper on the potential Radius/Alien fight, doesn't it? Get used to disappointment in Displaced though. When you get a film where the aliens look like humans and their only power is the ability to make shaky-cam when they run a la Night Hunter, you learn not to expect much. The middle is also padded down with a lot of exposition and ancillary characters. This is what you get when you have a formula built around a beginning and ending & have to fill in the rest. This film needs a big chase scene.

*

The last ten to fifteen minutes of the movie is pretty much just one big chase scene that randomly stops for a fight scene and then resumes. A whole bunch of people get too close to the truth and Radius ends up on their tail. They flee a building with the man in pursuit. Every minute to two minutes, a group of them stops running, tries to fight him and loses. Wow, I just love seeing this over and over and over again. I love repetition repetition. At least the fighting is pretty good. Well, the guy doing Radius is good, while the others look a bit too practiced. Anyone who has seen enough martial arts films can tell the difference. As I made clear earlier, Radius never fights 'himself as an alien.' Instead, our human lead sneaks up on him and chokes him with piano wire from above. We kept expecting him to counter it or something, but, no, he dies. The surviving alien gets his ship back and all ends happily. Well, unless you are Radius.

*

You should not try and adapt your 10-15 minute short film designed to show off your martial arts skill into a real movie. When you clearly have the plot of a short film, it just does not work. If you look at this as Mark Strange's resume for future stunt work, it is not that bad. Oh wait, I'm actually watching this to be entertained, not to evaluate whether or not I should hire him. You can do worse with direct-to-video films, but those usually suffer for trying to be too ambitious. This just tries to be a series of action scenes somehow framed into a humanized tale of government, intrigue and aliens. Enjoy the CG at the beginning and McKellen's narration, because it all goes downhill from there.

*

Next up, a big pile of hay turns in a movie that is a big pile of something else. Can it be worse than Blood Harvest or better than Scarecrows? Stay tuned...

A Programming Note: the regular reviews will be all horror this month, alternating as much as I can from good to bad to good again. This segment will be a breather every Saturday from that.

Mondo Dicitionary: The 'Rocky Horror' Effect

Who does not love The Rocky Horror Picture Show? I mean, besides the fact that it is a top-heavy film that lumbers into its second act and falls apart in its third. Who cares? Everyone loves 'Time Warp' and 'Sweet Transvestite,' so that is enough. Plus, look at all the big hits that Richard O'Brien (the songwriter) worked on afterward like Shock Treatment and The Return of Captain Invincible. Those were hits, right? The effect of this movie served as the precursor to The Evil Dead Effect, but is arguably the more notable one. Basically, people purposely tried to make 'cult classic' films. Did it always work? No. Let's check some of these out...

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: Love it or hate it (I'm the previous), but it managed to succeed at its goal. The fact that they made three sequels should say something.

The Return of Captain Invincible: I mentioned this earlier, but this is a clear example. It features songs by O'Brien, but is actually an Australian film. It's quirky and stupid, but has some good moments. It's obsession with Benny Hill-style comedy makes it hit-or-miss for most people though.

Wild Zero: A Japanese rock band fighting zombies from outer space? This just screams wannabe cult film. Only it's not good.

Everything by Troma and Full Moon: Do I really need to explain this? Nah.

That is obviously just the tip of the giant planet-sized iceberg. Stop and consider this for a moment though: people have been trying to emulate the business model of a film that made no money when it came out and only became successful over a 20 year period. Aim higher, guys!

Next on the list, my original update that I had planned. Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Snuff

Few movies are so famous for so little. All the hype around this movie involves the ending sequence, which was supposedly so real that people thought it was real. Or did they? The mix of real hype and manufactured hype is very blurry here. This film is famous for a fake public outrage over the film's content set up by the producers to get ticket sales. Just like the August outrage over Health Care, people were fooled by this and bought into what the people were selling. But what is the reality? Is this movie good or just a nothing film? Find out in my review of...

Snuff

The film is about a young starlet going over to Argentina to make a movie. We are told this through stock flying footage, stock location footage and badly-overdubbed dialogue. This is not a good start. Her manager wants her to meet up with a producer upon arrival, but she complains about being tired. Moments later, she gets a call from her secret lover who just happens to be in the country at the time. Giant plot leaps of logic this early- not good. We also get the scene oddly shot as it cuts and then focuses on a woman walking around the pool, all the while as the guy keeps talking. Oh, apparently she is also there and they just did not feel like showing the guy talking. He drives his boat over and they go back to his place to have sex. They don't really show you much of it, which is what you would expect from a film like this. Meanwhile, we need to focus on the other part of our plot- the bad guys. We get a woman being abused by her three companions at a farm for not bring enough drugs. Their leader is a Manson-wannabe named Satann, who only stops the torture when it would seriously maim her. Oddly, this lady still wants to be part of the group.

*

The movie is in a constant battle as to which bad story they want to tell. On one hand, they want to cover the salacious stuff with the cult. For example, Satann and one of the woman stand around in a lake topless. The other women show up and join them, but they don't show what you think they will. A late scene has the new girl being 'initiated' by the leader's...uh, member, as the other girls watch. Here is the thing: they pretty much just show the faces of the woman in a bad 'day as night' shot (see Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter). You don't really see enough to know what is happening if they had not done the setup to it so overtly. Meanwhile, they try to show us the woman hanging around Argentina, but never actually filming a movie. We see her at the pool, in Carnivale (via boat-loads of stock footage) and meeting with her boy-toy's dad. Very late, our stories meet up as the Cult seemingly-exits the weird alternated dimension they were in (it was clearly not Argentina!) and joins the plot. The new recruit kills the producer and, later on, Satann argues with the man's dad over selling guns. When the crazed cult murderer is against you, what does that say? It all ends with a badly-framed scene of the people breaking in and about to stab our pregnant, brunette heroine...

*

...or does it? The real famous scene starts here as the last scene 'cuts' and we see a set that does not match the bedroom. The now-blond actress goes to leave, but the director wants to do one more scene. He gets the grips to hold her down (ha ha- irony) as he proceeds to brutalize her. He cuts off some of her prop fingers and cuts her open, pulling out some sausage links as he concludes. He asks if they got the scene and then the movie cuts Holy Grail-style. I waited 80 boring minutes for this?

*

Yeah, this movie sucks real bad. The film is slow-paced, erratically-focused and just dull. The movie cannot decide whether it is about our starlet doing nothing or about our cult occasionally doing something (i.e. the store robbery scene). To top it all off, the acting is bad and the film is dubbed in the most incompetent way. The film constantly finds way to not showing you the actors talking (i.e. holding phones at awkward angles to block their mouths) to try and cover up this error. This explains the weird pool scene that I mentioned earlier. The DVD comes on a blank disk with a sticker label designed to look it was drawn on with a marker. This is all part of a motif designed to make you think that this is a film that is unofficial. The only problem- the movie has a title screen! Do real snuff films take the time to make titles for their films that only they are supposed to see? This movie is not worth its hype or worth your time. You can safely skip this movie and keep your film movie 'cred.'

*

More Blockbuster Trash on the way, this time coming to us from Britain. Can they class this segment up? It's a faux Kung-fu movie, so no. Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things

Asia Argento is a weird actress who has turned into a weird director as well. Obviously, given her 'chops,' directing was in her future. Her first film was Scarlet Diva, where she basically plays herself. By basically, I mean 'literally.' Her next film was an adaptation of a very dark story of child abuse and depression. I tell you this to lead into our trivia...

*The youngest version of the child lead is Jimmy Bennet, a young man who most of you will know as pre-teen Kirk from this year's Star Trek bastardization. His major roles at this time, however, involved doing the voice of Roo in animated Winnie the Pooh films. Yeah, picture that voice crying out as it is abused by a drunken stepfather.

*The older kid is played by the Sprouse twins, who are famous as the kid from Big Daddy and the leads on The Suite Life with Zak and Cody. Again, picture these kids in dark, seedy peril.

Asia, you are one crazy bitch to do stuff like that with our child stars. Also, what kind of parents sign their kids up for this? I'm just saying!

Horredy: Stuck

In the wake of lots of devastation in Indonesia, I am going to put off mocking their movies for a little bit. Don't worry- they'll get their turn. In the meantime, I am going to bring you a film that slipped under the radar, but deserves some attention. It was made by the man behind the Re-Animator films, but is much more grounded in reality than those ones. It is what happens when Mr. Coscarelli handles real-life events, I guess. He also manages to get a good performance out of an actress that has pretty much been coasting since her breakout role in American Beauty. Two years removed from the Day of the Dead remake, she actually does a good job here. The key to this film that is it is a mix of the banal and the absurd. In lesser hands, it would fail, but here it works. Enough gushing and let's jump into...

Stuck (2007)

The film begins by introducing us to our two heroes that come from very different walks of life. First, we get our male lead, who is a businessman who gets fired from his job. He did not save his money, so he is also kicked out of his apartment. Seeing the once-powerful man humbled into running out of the building with all of his clothes in a suitcase is not easy to watch. The guy is forced to become one of America's homeless in the span of one day. Now, we cut to the heroine of the film, a young nurse who works at a nursing home. She is young, but is forced to work the job of an older woman. Plus, she has cornrows that are as convincing as Juliette Lewis'. She has a good friend who works there, but there boss apparently has it in for her. In reality, her boss does not trust her for good reason- she goes behind her back all the time. After a long day of work, she goes out drinking with her friend and her boyfriend (she's got jungle fever). Later that night, the drinking ends and she goes home. On the way home, she runs into our other lead with her car. The force sends him through her windshield, but the glass locks him in. Now he's stuck- get it?

*

The girl naturally freaks out, but tries to distract herself. Unsure what to do, she parks the car in the garage (the street is obviously a no-go) & waits for her boyfriend. He offers her some illicit substances and they proceed to ignore the situation in a 'carnal manner.' This also fulfills our prerequisite nude scene in the form of a topless Mena Suvari- been there, done that. The next morning, he leaves and she is stunned to find that he is still alive. This leads to the famous line where she says 'How can you do this to me?!?' His reply is an exasperated gasp (that was mine) and silence. How do you reply to that? She ends up being late to work since she has to call a cab, which causes her trouble with her boss. All things considered, this is a minor bit of punishment. With a bit of clarity, our heroine realizes that something needs to be done, so she plans to sneak away in the afternoon. Coming in late and sneaking out? Why is she confused about her boss' attitude again? She calls her man and says that something needs to be done. He meets her there and is a bit surprised to see a living man in her car window. He just figured that she had damaged the car in some normal way. What to do?

*

Yeah, I'm not going to tell you. This movie is fairly new and actually good. If you want to know what happens in the end, watch the movie.

*

I really liked this movie and was sold based on the title. When I read about it, I did not know what to think. Is this a serious drama? It's based on a real case, so how crazy can it be? The trailer tells you that the film goes for all the dark humor that it can muster and does not look back. As a bonus, you get Jeffrey Combs' cameo as the voice of a radio man. At least they did not put him in a giant beard and wig! Suvari is quite good, since she is playing a real character. Stephen Rea- of The Crying Game fame- does a great job as a man who loses everything and only has worse things ahead of him. His indignation, passion and struggle to survive makes him an amazingly-human character in a film that is so off-beat. I highly recommend this movie to anyone who thinks that they can handle a big bag of crazy. It is a fun ride and well-worth the admission price.

*

Let's keep the 'S' titles and 5 letter title theme going with an infamous cult classic. Is it worthy of the hype? Stay tuned...

Mondo's Tribute to Two Pointless Web Pages

The Internet is full of silly pages, stupid pages and great web pages. There are also some pages that make you just go 'who the hell requested this?!?' While I could go all year on this subject, I specifically want to bring your attention to two that I keep coming across in my search for pictures. First off, I bring you...

The Internet Movie Cars Database

This is exactly what it sounds like, albeit taken to the Nth degree of ridiculousness. Have you ever watched a movie and said 'I wonder what model of Lincoln was in the back of that shot and out of focus?' Well, this is the page for you!

*

From the front page, you search by model and type of car. It will give you links and pictures of said cars in the backgrounds (occasionally, the fore-ground of shots). This is not relegated to simply 'James Bond drove this car in ___ ____.' It is more like 'James Bond drove past this car for three seconds during a chase scene in ___ ____' Think I'm kidding? Check out the Casino Royale page for every car in the movie, not even just his.

*

If you think that this is silly, check out this film's 'bastard child'...

Buses on Screen

This is pretty much just what it sounds like and nothing more. The difference is that this site covers film, television and newsreel! Suck on that, Buses on Newsreels Only! This page also has a Casino Royale section, but it is relegated to a single user description of a bus cameo. How lame is that?

*

Like any internet site, there is even a spot for film nerds to point out continuity problems like this one from Children of Men, "As the second M is about to pull away, Clive Owen's character runs to board it. However, the footage from aboard the bus is of an Arriva London VLW-class Volve B7TL/Wright Gemini." Duh, everyone knew that!

*

So yeah, these pages are really dumb. How about you just stick to good pages?