'90s Trash?: Seven

How have I not done this Film before?  David Fincher made it big with this Film and it defines him to this day.  It's...

Okay, that's probably enough for the line that will show in the Preview.

Yeah, I'm actually doing Andy Sidaris' Seven.  This seems like the best day to do it.  It's his first major Film and the original prototype for his later works like Malibu Express and Picasso Trigger.  Is early Sidaris good?  No.  Is early Sidaris better?  Yes.  It's a much more straight-laced Film than I expected.  It was a real hidden Film to, only getting a proper DVD/Blu-Ray release in 2018!  To find out more about this last (real) Sidaris BBB Film, read on...

In Hawaii, a bunch of Government Agents are killed.  The main culprit- Martin Kove from The Karate Kid.  Yes, it was before that Film.

Oh and they reuse the same Bar from the later Films.

One of the bad guys is also Weird Skateboard Guy.  He's not nearly as ridiculous as he is in Hard Ticket to Hawaii (where he rides down a road with a blow-up doll to hide his gun).

That's this Film in a nutshell though- like the later Films, but not *quite* as ridiculous (or interesting).

Our Hero is famous Character Actor William Smith, who is hired to kill the 7 Mobsters that apparently arranged the hits as part of their master plan to yadda yadda run Hawaii.

Sweet mustache, man!

He then spends the next THIRTY MINUTES meeting with his recruits, seeing their lives and telling them about their targets.

Pacing is something that Sidaris had not learned yet!

Finally, the group is all together.  After some banter, they get their assignments and...

...it is even more set-up!

Yes, arranging the hits- designed to take place nearly simultaneously- would take this amount of work.  You just don't need to show me every little detail.

Here's a static shot of parked cars to summarize how exciting this part is.

We *finally* get to the good stuff as the hits take place.  There's still more filler, but you can't complain too much at visuals like 'Man blown up by rocket' and 'Man/dummy tossed out of window.'

Not only would Sidaris re-use this bit in Hard Ticket, but he's also re-use 'guy gives up on sword fight to just shoot guy.'  Yes, this was before Raiders of the Lost Ark and, no, I don't think that Spielberg saw this!

The high point of silliness- them tricking a guy into wearing a yellow shirt with a target on him and shooting it.

Weird points for continuity too- this Professor wouldn't show up again until Picasso Trigger, where I was apparently supposed to know who he was.  Only 18+ months late for me!

After some so-so action, the group succeeds at the hits and takes time to straight-up murder the double-agent in public.  Our Heroes!  The End.

A silly, silly Film...but played straight.  It's meant to be serious.  It's meant to be complex.  The problem is that Sidaris is still not a great Director (even accounting for relative inexperience).  As a result, the Film is too long (at 101 minutes in the full Cut) and too slow.  It falls into the 'let's explain everything and do it slowly' trope from the 1970s.  Good Films can make you enjoy the wait.  Seven is just kind of dull for long stretches of time.  Too much set-up and not enough pay-off.  It also features A TON of narration from Smith, which is just a lazy way to tie Scenes together.  As a Sidaris Film, it's a tricky recommendation.  It's too straight to be really-funny, but it's also better in terms of production/writing than the later Films.  No random Sex Scenes (just some sporadic nudity).  If you want to enjoy him as a Filmmaker, watch this first.  If you want to enjoy him as 'that guy who makes BBB Films,' start with Hard Ticket and go from there.  It's less silly and dumb than even Malibu Express, what I once thought was the original Frankenstein's Monster of the Series.  And yes, I know that he made a Film before.  Dare I?  Maybe.  In the meantime, enjoy this reminder that you're still watching a Sidaris Film...

Next time, I *probably* won't lie about the Film for a joke.  It's only once a year, after all!