Thursday, April 25, 2019

SPOILER Reviews: Monsters in the Woods

Normally, I don't do these for newer Films.  However, if the Film is so dumb that I can't explain why without SPOILERS, I will.  Be warned...about this Film you've probably never heard of...
A woman with fake boobs is chased and killed in the Woods by a turkey-faced creature that killed her boyfriend.  Is this another Syfy Channel Opening?
Nope, it's the 'It Was a Movie The Whole Time' one.  That means that this Film used multiple Camera Angles, fake blood, 2 Locations AND a fake neck real time.

The only thing worse- the Exposure on this Film!
After thirty minutes of people bickering (disguised as a fake BTS Shoot), the Director dies...from a rock lightly hiding his head?!?

Damn his lack of a skull and hemophilia!!!
They continue on until some Monsters show up.  They attack people away from the 'Set,' but eventually make it to the main group.  They avoid the Producer, setting up why I need SPOILERS...

This lady shows up and wants him dead.  Why?  He made a deal with the Devil and unleashed the 'Hell Hounds' that are showing up.
It gets weirder and dumber...

The Woman is an Angel and she can only be killed by the creatures, not 'mortal men.'  She needs the help of the survivors to close...
...this portal.  It looks like...well, you know what it looks like.

They kill some creatures and get to near the Portal when...the Angel is instantly-killed.  Naturally.
After being betrayed by his girl, our Lead wins because...the Hounds kill the bad guy...for some reason.

All is well...except the survivors are killed by more Hounds.  Yea for confusing downer Endings!
What was this Film trying to be?!?  The Reviews on IMDB are all over the place.  Some people claim that this is some clever send-up of B-Movies and/or an Homage to stupid Monster Movies.  Did you watch the same Film that I did?!?  This one is 1/3 Mockumentary, 2/3 dumb Horror Film.  It doesn't seem to be a Parody or knowing Homage.  The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra was one.  Ice Pirates was one.  This is not one!  The Film itself is just kind of slow for long parts at the beginning and then randomly speeds past other parts.  They introduce some guy with a past connected to the Angel and kill him off within 10 minutes- yea?  They joke about 'killing the black guy first in a Horror Film' and then seem to do it.  He's alive, but they really make you wait to find out.  They also leave him to die like 3 different times and it loses all drama.  It's kind of like how they really lean on Special Effects that just aren't that good.  They put 'wounds' on the one woman's face, for instance, and they look like you just smashed a Cherry Cobbler on her cheek.  She has it for over 20 minutes of screen time!  The Hounds are decent enough creatures, but they are never shot well enough for you to see them all that much.  The Film lives or dies by its silly Plot Twists and revelations.  I found them ridiculous- you might like them.  Monsters in the Woods is not a good Film.  If you want the best proof of this, enjoy this one shot showing that they did have a good Camera...that they just didn't use ever again.

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