'00s Trash: Tiptoes (2003)

I sure hope this doesn't effect your chances this year, Gary.  We know that isn't true- playing a British Ruler gets you an Oscar no matter how bad the Film is.  Today's Film is Tiptoes, a 2003 Film that is somewhat famous on the Internet for its Trailer.  Yes, it is a real Film.  It exists.  This Film is notable for its weird mix of great Cast and terrible Concept.  How do you get so many good people for something so bad?  The Cast includes Gary Oldman (my reason for watching), Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette and Peter Dinklage.  It also features the Backwards-Talking Man- this time not replaced with an angry twig.  The Plot involves Matthew and Kate as a Couple who are unexpectedly-expecting.  Why does the guy seem so upset about it?  Well, I'll get into it.  Just stick with me and you'll enjoy the ride.  Speaking of rides...

These 2 are a happy, good-looking couple.  Nothing can go wrong for them!

The guy is keeping a secret- he comes from a family of Little People.  His Brother is Gary Oldman...on his knees.

This was apparently 'The role of a Lifetime' according to the Trailer.  Yeah, no.

She gets pregnant- since they apparently have unprotected sex 2-3x a week- and he's not happy.

Why?  Since he knows how hard it is to have a Little Person grow up- through his brother- and he's not sure if he could handle putting a kid through that- that being life itself.

So here's the thing: this is impossible.  The most common form of Dwarfism needs 2 people with the genetic trait.  The less common version requires one person with that trait.  6 foot whatever guy doesn't have that trait.

When she finds out about his family, she tries to learn about things.  That and wear this terrible hat that Kate Beckinsale really wanted to wear on-screen.  Was it worth it?

On the flip-side, the time that she's not wearing said hat is the time she has this hair.  Way to kill the drama, Stylist!

After their wedding, we get a fade to black- must be where the Cuts were- and they have given birth to a Little Person Baby.  F--k Science!

This makes the guy get more and more upset- after another fade to black- and she goes to temporarily stay with his Brother at his Cabin.  Oh and his two friends- Patricia Arquette and Dinklage- are there.

They are so important to the Plot that I can just not mention them until now.  Also like how I didn't mention David Alan Grier banging Oldman's girlfriend until now.

A bunch of time passes and the Husband arrives to talk to his Wife.  He says that he's working on himself and she says that she still loves him.

Following that, she goes out that night and makes out with Oldman...as the Film abruptly stops.  The End.

So that happened.  Tiptoes is a weird mix of bad Movie and good Movie.  On one hand, the entire premise is bullshit.  They could not have a Little Person Child unless a Witch cursed them (or an evil Dwarf).  The fact that the entire Third Act is built around this actually happening is dumb as hell.  This could have been avoided if they just built the Film around the lead-up to them actually having the kid.  Play up the drama of them expecting and preparing for the worst.  Give them a happy ending with McConaughey learning to accept that they may have a Little Person baby...and they don't.  Everyone wins.  Speaking of which, the expert they talk to in order to prepare for the baby is a Little Person- which is just super dumb.  Does he not know how Genetics work?  Does he not have Google?  Hell, this might actually be a far better Film if they play off the idea that everyone but the Husband knew the obvious science.  Just be all 'Yeah, we knew that this wouldn't happen.  How did you not?'  Cue joke trombone and/or the Curb Your Enthusiasm music.  The final turn doesn't really make sense, as this should really end in a less direct manner.  Oldman is mad that this ex-girlfriend kept cheating on him, so he is now going to just make out (and more) with his Brother's wife?  Nice.  Speaking of which Oldman as a Little Person.  No.  He's not a bad Actor and I don't know why the hell he would want to do this.  If they had just had Dinklage play the Brother, it would work.  A cursory IMDB Search shows that Dinklage and McConaughey are the same age too!  But no, be a great Actor in this Film that will (and should) haunt you forever.  At least Hippie Skank Patricia Arquette isn't affected by this (until I mentioned it just now)...

Next up, a Cult Classic that I'm finally going to watch/review.  When in doubt, avoid Haiti.  Stay tuned...