Lock Me Up!: Zoombies (2016)

Suck it, Spell Check!  Today's Film is Zoombies, an Asylum Film from this year.  The Plot: Zombie Zoo Animals.  Need I say more?  Probably not, right?  Zombie Zoo Animals- who'd think of such a thing?  Oh right- Resident Evil Outbreak: File #2...in 2004.  To be fair, it isn't a *commonly-used* idea.  Also in the interest of fairness, this is still a Film by The Asylum.  That means that the Acting is so-so, the Budget is minimal and the CG is not going to be good.  It is sometimes decent here, to be fair some more, but it is not good overall.  Dull surprise.  The Film is simultaneously a very-late knock-off of Jurassic World (see the Cover Tag Line) and a slightly-late knock-off of Zoo.  Yea.  To find out how this one turns out (without SPOILERS), read on...

In the Cold Open, a Monkey comes back to life at a Jurassic Park knock-off Park and kills people.  Want to explain how this creature can kill anyone?

Oh and the thing that really gets me- a tiny monkey knocks off a bookcase heavy enough to crush a man by jumping off of it!

The Asylum couldn't afford an original Plot or good Effects, but they got some good reaction shots.  10 Stars!

The Actual Plot involves this lady- clearly not Bryce Dallas Howard- busing in people to work at her re-done Park.  It is not open, since Extras cost money to bus in.

Before I claim that they are really ripping off Jurassic World, she's a business-driven woman in charge having to watch HER DAUGHTER and not her Nephews.  So unique.

While World had a bunch of people mostly there to die, this one does too.  At least you got that right.

Zombie Giraffes.

Zombie.  Giraffes.

To up the ante, we go from Zombie Monkeys to a Zombie Gorilla.  It has the ability to turn from a guy in a crappy suit to being blatant CG.  I thought I was done with this crap after all of those 'Sons of Kong' Films.

On the plus side, I can use this Freakazoid Clip.

In a Zoo full of Zombies, who will make it out alive?  More importantly, will an Asylum Film not prove to be a disappointment by the end?  To find out, watch the Film.  The End.

About what you'd expect, really.  The thing with The Asylum is that they can't ever figure out what formula they want to use.  After a surprising amount of success with Camp in the form of those never ending Sharknado Films, they have now gone back to serious.  Yes, the Film about Zombie Zoo Animals is mostly played seriously.  They want to have real Characters, real motivations and, to a lesser extent, more reveling in people dying.  Night of the Wild is still much, much worse in that regard though.  They throw about every reasonable creature they can at you- Lions, Elephants, Giraffes, Monkeys, that Ape and plenty of Birds.  Somehow a Koala even works its way in there.  Mind you, Koalas are usually chock full of disease and filth at all times, so they're actually less dangerous now.  For real though, they play this one pretty seriously.  For example, our Heroine frantically screams as she tries to rescue her Daughter in one Scene and weeps as she hears a Lion kill some lady.  Just for comparison- Sharknado 3 had laser chainsaws and David Hasselhoff in Space.  Yes, not every Film should be that campy, but shouldn't Zoombies?  What is the logic here?  Zoo is apparently played quite straight, since its Animals aren't also somehow Zombies/Infected.  Jurassic World mostly played it seriously, but also had a Dinosaur that could cloak itself.  In this case, they made a silly sounding name- you know, like Sharknado- and then made a Film that is probably not going to do well with the Audience seeking out a Film like that.  Good job, guys!  It makes me wonder if Little Dead Rotting Hood has a speech like Tom Hanks' from Philadelphia in it or if Avengers Grimm features a lecture on Apartheid!  I should note that 'Zoombies' brings up three things on Google- this Film, a DayZ Mod and a Flash Game that seems to get the joke better than the Makers of Nazis at the Center of the Earth...

Next up, a Film that I probably should have done last week.  Oh well- time to do it this Saturday.  Stay tuned...