New-Old Flix: Dude Bro Party Massacre III

Yes, this is real.  Don't worry if you missed the first two- they don't exist.  Today's Film is Dude Bro Party Massacre III, a Slasher Spoof Film which is all sorts of weird.  Really weird- like stupid weird!  The Film is the fictional Sequel to a fictional Film- makes sense, right?  In this familiar Tale, a College Fraternity is targeted by a crazed person from their past.  It happens again.  By now, we are at the 3rd attempt to wipe them out and a new wrinkle is added: a twin brother.  As a bonus, the Actor that plays both of our Leads is named Alec.  How am I so lucky?!?  He was also a Production Assistant on Norbit- thanks, IMDB!  To make things even better, we have 'Mark' from The Room here.  In addition, we have Patton Oswalt aka the reason that most people know about Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.  This one is going to be odd to cover, so bear with me...

The Film really commits to the 'Lost 80s Film' motif and has a Story to try and explain it.

My question- who records a Film at 4am, but actually takes the time to stop recording during the Commercials?  I mean, he's asleep or at least mostly-drunk, right?

Since this is the 3rd Film (sure!), we get an opening that shows a bunch of random kills that made up 'the other two.'  It is all super-random and features Larry King!                                                                                                    
After he's done setting this up, our Hero is killed by the Villain (Motherface), but only after revealing that he is a twin...who is now going to said College to join said Fraternity to solve the aforementioned murder.

All caught up?

In a B-Plot, a Police Captain (Oswalt) sends 2 Cops out to bring the killer to justice.  Also something to do with a lack of Oranges.

The Fraternity goes out to a Lake (since shooting at a Campus is expensive), but they aren't alone!

Motherface shows up and starts a random and bizarre killing spree.  This all has to do with an accident like a Decade ago, jut so you know...

Is the Fraternity doomed to be killed in ridiculous ways or will the Cops save the day?

Yeah, I don't like their odds.  To find out what happens, watch the Film.  The End.

Some good moments in a sea of weirdness.  The Film runs right to the 90 minute mark and nothing more.  Even so, they tend to be less funny and more random.  I'm not going to say that I didn't laugh, but I didn't do it nearly as much as they had in mind.  The film is chock full of big, silly gross-out moments.  In that regard, it doesn't disappoint.  The problem: there's no balance or filter.  This is just a bunch of random things slapped together with a loose idea for a Film.  The Cast includes 'Mark,' a (mostly) former Porn Star, Patton Oswalt and Andrew W.K.- you don't get much more random!  The Film is pretty much made by Committee.  Everyone who had an idea apparently got it in here.  As a result, the Tone and Quality are all over the map.  A more solid Narrative and less Writers would have helped this rise above just being kind of strange and often funny.  It is better than the silly Title would have you think...but still not super-great or anything.  Let's thank the Internet before we go...

Next up, I finish these damn Insidious/Conjuring Films.  Let me just enjoy the 6 months or so I get until more Sequels please!  Stay tuned...

Holiday Trash: Godmonster of Indian Flats

I may be cheating a bit, but this turkey has 'Indian' in the name.  Today's Film is Godmonster of Indian Flats, a fairly-obscure piece of trash.  If you know this kind of trashy Films, you may know this one.  If you don't, this one will be a real surprise.  The Story involves a number of random things that include a Scientist, a Monster, some Industrialists, a Western Town in the Modern Age and some vague science.  It is a real mess.  On the plus side, I avoided Thankskilling yet again!  This is just plain bad.  To find out what kind of rancid gravy this one emits, read on...

This Story involves a Sheep Farmer- not Seth MacFarlane- losing his money in a Casino.

Hey- stop looking at the Camera!

That night, he's confronted by....um, glowing sheep or something.  Pardon?

It all has something to do with weird gas released by an industrialist while mining in the Flats and the creation of some odd, sheep-like creature.

Don't ask me- I just work here!

Quick note: it is not good when a Video does this to you.

I could have cheated and just stopped there, but I dared go on- for you!

With a ton of random moments and Plots, this one just meanders.  It also talks right to you...or at least appears to.  Good technique, Director!

I will just end by showing you the creature, pictured here dancing with a Hippie.

It is now that I realize that Cemetery Gates stole from this Movie!  How sad is that?  Ugh.  The End.

Ugh.  This one is just filled to the brim with nonsense like a Turkey full of Stuffing.  Can't I just get a stupid Film with a lame Monster?  No?  Instead, I get Hookers, an evil Industrialist, a lynch mob, some Hippies, a narrating Scientist and all sorts of other crap.  How do you fail at making a simple, B-Movie?!?  On the plus side, they didn't make it into some sort of Christian Parable about not doing drugs.  I haven't forgotten you, Blood Freak!  This one is just kind of dull and listless, not even letting you enjoy their stupid creature.  Unless you are a real sadist, keep skipping this one.  Speaking of the Monster, someone was dumb enough to let himself be credited for making it!

Have a happy Turkey Day and avoid turkey like this.  Oh and Dressing.  I didn't use that one yet, right?

New Flix: Final Girl

This was bound to happen.  After The Final Girls, I obviously had to do this Film.  Are they related?  Well, not really.  Today's Film is Final Girl, a 2015 Horror Film that tries to play with conventions.  It isn't META like the other one, so it doesn't have that in common.  It doesn't feature a single, masked killer, so that is out.  Our hero is actually a heroine, but that isn't unique enough to qualify.  The connection: they both star Alexander Ludwig.  Wow.  What are the odds?!?  It must be low, right?  So what is this one about?  It is about a young girl who is trained for years to get revenge for the death of her family.  As luck would have it, she manages to find some perfect targets!  I won't SPOIL too much more here, so consider this more a Teaser than a full Synopsis.  All good?  Great...

Our Heroine loses her family, but gains a mentor in the form of this Detective who lost his Wife to a killer as well.

Thankfully, she doesn't turn out to be that chick from American Psycho 2!

Years later, these four guys plan a strange night out.  They go out to the Woods with on girl...in their Tuxedos.  What are they up to?

They track her down and kill her, of course!

What- you were expecting a Dinner Party with the Ents?

Is our Heroine ready to deal with these psycho Teens after all her training?

She baits the trap by meeting up with them and going platinum blonde- their prefered victim style.

Sure enough- they set her up to be killed now...but only after some Truth or Dare.  Alright.

Can she beat the odds and take care of this pampered psychopaths?  To find out, see the Film!

Surprisingly-good stuff.  Don't get me wrong- I wasn't expecting it to suck.  What I was expecting was something pretty 'run of the mill.'  This is not that Film.  They focus alot on our Heroine and her intense training.  Everything that follows is earned and rational- relatively so, at least.  They don't cheat and they don't shy away from the hard stuff.  Good for them.  The Film is also very well-Edited and set up for good visuals.  The measured pace may put off some, but I consider it to be solid build-up.  To each his own, right?  When the big moments happen, they pay off quite well.  This one doesn't sugar coat anything and makes you care.  What else can you ask for?  If you like Slasher/Horror Films that give you a different take on everything, check this one out.  Come on- you know you want to!

Next up, I cover a Film with a Title too silly for words.  I'm going to have to get over this problem soon though, right?  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: We All Scream For Ice Cream (Masters of Horror)

As the 10-year anniversary of the Show's beginning approaches, let me keep covering it...

In this Episode/Movie, we learn that the sins of your past will always come back for sticky punishment.

In this opening bit, we see a child eat this freaky ice cream bar at night and his dad dies via ice cream transmogrification.

That's unique, right?

After his Funeral, we learn that he was part of a child gang (sort of) that may have something to do with his death.  One of them is the Jerk Brother from the Weird Science TV Show, so I'd kill him too.

This all relates to the death of a Clown (John Forsythe) from their childhood.

So...he's not Freddy Kreuger, right?

The mysteriously-powered Clown is now using their kids to kill them- with ice cream.

I suppose that's ironic, but he never runs them over with his truck though.  I'm just saying.

Can our hero save his family or will they be destined to kill their Dad...with ice cream.  No SPOILERs this time.

It may not sound fresh, but it kind of is.  Yes, this Story has some obvious Cliches to it.  Yes, the killer sounds like Freddy Kreuger when you explain him.  That said, the Movie/Episode still kind of worked for me.  They give you nice enough Characters to make you care about their situation.  In the Making Of, they describe Tom Holland as an 'Actor's Director.'  I kind of see it here.  Aside from that, the Movie has some great make-up work going on and some good ideas behind it.  The stuff with the ice cream transformation is nice and unique.  When you see it really happen on-screen, it is nice and freaky.  I was really pessimistic about this one, but it won me over.  It just might do the same to you.  If you doubt me, just take it up with this guy!

While it sounds Cliche, Holland and company make it feel more fresh than you might think.  Kudos.

TV on the Internet: Ash vs. Evil Dead- 'Books From Beyond'

Thankfully for both you and I, this Segment lives on!

Let's see what Ash and company are up to this time on their quest to save the World...

Just behind her Heroes, Lucy Lawless is on their trail.  What is her ultimate goal?

In a nearby Town, Ash and his 'pals' are at the Book Store that will hopefully hold the answers to the secrets of the Necronomicon.

 For my younger Readers, a Book Store is like a giant Kindle Fire.

The man is awestruck by the Book and gives some much-needed Back-Story on it.  Can he help though?

I won't SPOIL things, but I will tell you that our Heroes make a poor choice.  Shocking- I know!

Will the sudden combination of our A and B-Plots end as quickly as it started?  See for yourselves.

Some crazy, gory fun.  Without giving too much away, this one really ups the ante.  We've seen some crazy creatures on the Show so far (as well as the Films), but they definitely raise the bar here.  Aside from that, we get some forward Plot momentum, some good Humor, Ash learning a lesson and some hints at what is to come.  As I mentioned, we also get some more background on the evil book itself and see just why it is so bad.  This one has a neat mix of Ash trying to play it cool and Ash really being overwhelmed.  Kudos to the Show for giving us a nice little Arc.  It was possible that the Show was just going to be one prolonged Evil Dead Film, but they have taken some nice turns to make it more than that.  They play off what you expect and give you something more.   Seeing this almost makes up for the cruel, hopeless Evil Dead Remake.  Yes, I'm still not over that!  This Episode keeps the momentum going nicely and makes you wonder what is around the next corner.  Before I go, let me see how much fun Ash is having so far...

Things can't possibly get any worse.  No- of course they can!  See you next Episode!

Poor Bastards of Cinema: He Knows You're Alone

Another random kill on a random day!

In He Knows You're Alone, our Heroine goes to a fitting for her Wedding Dress.  The Owner is covering for his Wife, who usually does this.

He seems like a nice enough guy.  Just doing his job and all.

Unfortunately, his Client has a Stalker and he's apparently jealous of this guy!

So yeah, he dies- violently!

Poor guy seemed quite nice.  Oh well- we need a body count!

The lesson: Weddings are dangerous for your health.  Just avoid them in every way.  Got it?

Next up, a random helper is killed.  You just know that he's Black, right?  Stay tuned...  

New Flix: Bone Tomahawk

Am I really watching a Western?  Today's Film is Bone Tomahawk, a 2015 Film attempting to make a Period-accurate Film.  In today's ultra-aware (or sensitive, if you are a dick) society, there is also an issue of being fair to people, while also being realistic to the time.  To their credit, they do a pretty good job here.  The Film tells the tale of a rescue mission for some people.  The villains- some bad-ass indigenous people with a grudge!  The Film is chock full of faces that you would recognize and names you'll know, even if some of them appear very briefly.  Hi, Sean Young!  Bye, Sean Young!  The most notable are Patrick Wilson (from my town), Kurt Russell and Matthew Fox.  There are more, but I'll cover them later.  The Film is notable for being realistic, gritty and well thought-out.  A Character that starts out as a punchline actually turns into a good one by the end.  Kudos!  To get a SPOILER-free look at this one (which will probably be lost in the wake of Hateful Eight), read on...

In the Intro, we see a pair of murderous Drifters (Sid Haig and David Arquette) wander into bad territory.

Haig is killed and Arquette flees after they run across some murderous people at their Graveyard.

In a nearby Town, the Sheriff (Russell) is keeping order and arrests the suspicious Arquette.

Meanwhile, a man (Wilson) is laid up with an injury, keeping him from work.  That night, his wife is called to care for the wounded Arquette...

The next morning, the pair (plus the Deputy) are missing.  The only clue: a bone-tipped Arrow.

Russell, Wilson, the back-up Deputy (Richard Jenkins) and a boastful man (Matthew Fox) go on a rescue mission for them.  Will they be in time?

There are many dangers exist along the way.  Can they even make it there period?

I won't SPOIL anything else about this one, but I will say this: alot depends on this guy.  Uh oh.

Damn.  Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of Westerns.  I am, however, a fan of good Movies and this is definitely one.  It has a slow, but steady pace.  That may not work for some of you out there, but it works here.  This allows them to give everyone a strong Character and some actual depth.  Jenkins' Character, for example, starts out as kind of dumb.  By the time they leave for the mission, you start to understand him more.  By the End, you know enough about his past to really feel for the guy.  The only Characters that really get no clear back-story are the Troglodytes.  Of course, that is the point.  We learn a little about them from an Indian in Town.  They don't speak, negotiate or hesitate to kill.  These are some bad-ass killers!  The Title comes from their trademark weapon, which is scary as hell.  The Film also makes a point of distinguishing these violent, mute killers from any stereotype of Indians that you used to see in Westerns.  Good for you.  I will note that this Film gets pretty damn gory by the end, so this is not for you if the sight of fake blood bothers you.  Other than that, this is a great-looking, well-written Film.  It also has an unintentional Western connection.  The Piano Player in the Bar- Back to the Future's mean Principal/Sheriff!

Next up, a Film with a similar Title to one I covered recently.  Will it be as good or is that too much to ask?  Stay tuned...