Creepy Rigatoni: Channel Zero, Butcher's Block- Episode 1

After a fairly-brief absence, my favorite mini-addiction returns!  This Show is hard to pin down, since so far it has been 2 different 6 Episode Mini-Series'.  Plus, it is way shorter and way less hyped than American Horror Story, so I can like it without seeming like part of the crowd.  I'm much more insufferable this way.  In any event, after a tale of evil children controlled by magic television and a tale of a haunted house that dimension warps, we have a new Story.  This one involves little killers, urban decay, magic staircases, wealth gap observation and a freaky creature.  Will it turn into something disappointing Phantasm V or something good like Phantasm II?  To find out, read on...

In the Cold Open, an unseen man tells a young woman about a couple that went into the Park.  They separate when she starts watching a strange little man and he runs into a different one.

Bonus points for using the Cannibal Holocaust Theme over the opening bit!

In the Story proper, we meet our Lead.  She's moved away from some family issues (with her messed up Sister) and is working in the Butcher's Block area.

The Town- probably an analog for Detroit- was built around Meat-Packing Plants until the family disappeared in the 1950s.  Urban decay followed...and some other scary stuff too.

The woman- with her new Boss- go check out a House with a strange kid and...crap, is this The Boy now?

I'd say SPOILERS, but that Film sucked, so you're welcome.  

Living in a new City full of weird people and a cryptic past is all well and good until a phantom stairway appears.

What else can happen in this City?  To see, watch the Show!

The Show continues to feel fresh and I'm happy to see it.  Being a Show about weird stuff happening in normal places is a tricky thing to balance.  How long can you keep doing it before it becomes mundane and expected?  Well, we aren't there yet!  This new location feels very real, the people feel grounded and the situation, well, is crazy as hell.  Missing millionaires.  Park with freaky killers.  Mutant man on the stairs.  In many ways, the Show manages to walk the awkward line of reminding you of famous Horror Films like Don't Look Now or Phantasm without feeling like you should just be watching them.  Like with Candle Cove or The No-End House, it is never just one thing.  It wasn't just killer children, but also magic television, a freaky mutant and family body horror.  It wasn't just a magical mystery house, but also doppelgangers, cannibals and family drama.  This one promises a lot of interesting stuff like the mystery of the staircase, the story of the little killer(s?) and the inevitably-weird reveal of what happened to the Peach Family.  We also know from previous Seasons/Series' that nobody is truly that safe and just about anything can happen.  My only complaint: this not-so-convincing fake photograph.

Next time, more freaky stuff going on in the Town.  What secrets will be unearthed?  See you then...

Lost in Translation: The Howling (Part 2)

Another Howling Poster?

Alright- I spoil you people.  This time, I check off another Country from the list- Argentina...

Nice and weird.

This one does have some connection at least- seeing as how that is clearly the guy with the most famous transformation in the Film.

Although given how much he reminds me of The Babadook in this one, will he too become an unlikely icon of the LGBTQ Community?

Here's the original, of course...

Like most of these, it just needed a little love and touching up.  That's why I'm here!

Triple B Flix: The Dallas Connection

On the plus side, I can check another Director off of the Seen All of Their Movies List.  To be fair, it helps when they only have a few- like Anthony Perkins or William Peter Blatty- but it still counts.  This time, it is Christian Drew Sidaris, who, at least according to IMDB, hasn't made a Film since this 1994 one.  This is The Dallas Connection, another Sidaris Film in look, feel and tastelessness.  What it doesn't have- continuity.  We get the same two Male Leads from Enemy Gold, but they have a new Boss, a new Partner and work for an Agency that has not ever even been mentioned before.  Even going off of the idea that the LETHAL Ladies Series is over, this doesn't even match the last Film.  This is kind of like how Children of the Damned is not a Sequel, but rather a slight twist on the same Story just told again.  Who else could connect Village of the Damned to an Andy Sidaris Film?!?  To be fair to this Film, the Plot is not 100% the same.  Oh no- it's much sillier.  When people try to launch a Satellite that will target all weapons on Earth to speed up de-escalation.  Naturally, this involves 4 Discs and 4 Scientists to activate on a single day that is apparently viable.  All of the usual crap is here, so let's just dig in...

To get the Film to 90 minutes, we get 3 Segments that involve the killing of 3 Scientists.  Yea.

This Film is just barely 90 minutes- more like 80 minutes without the T&A Filler- so naturally around 1/3 of it is JUST these 3 extended 'Scientists Get Killed' Scenes.

Oh and you get one spot of Sidaris Film Bingo for Car Explosion and one for Remote Control Explosive Toy Used in Explosion.

We finally get to the main Plot as our Heroes are called in by I/WAR.  They have a Satellite set to launch and need 4 Chips there to launch them.  Since they are being targeted, they naturally...give them to the Agents to carry around all the time.

The lone surviving Scientist- Rodrigo, of course.  He only ever missed one of these Films and, yeah, he's clearly the Villain here.

Just think: A Good Day to Die Hard 'stole' from THIS Film.

Working for totally-not-Rodrigo are Julie Strain (already typecast in Sidaris Films), some guy, a Foreign Blond and a Brunette.  They all have codenames like Black Widow, which they use as both Assassins and Strippers.

Is it really that hard to come up with TWO fake names for yourself?

The group actually does quite well at not only taking the chips- by just seducing our Leads-, but also easily breaking into I/WAR Headquarters and killing two Agents to get another chip.

This guy here is making a joke about them not having enough tape.  Get it- this guy is big!

The Villains kidnap the Female Agent (who is just there to get topless) and- shock- the villain is actually Rodrigo!

Double-shock- the blond is actually undercover.  They show how she didn't really kill her target...but she then explains it again in even greater detail later.  Thank God- you almost didn't hit 90 minutes!

The Heroes arrive and lots of explosions occur.  Julie Strain is blown up again and the day is saved.

In the awkward wrap-up, they also try to redeem the other henchwoman by explaining that the guy she killed was actually planning to work with Rodrigo (which he didn't know), so her killing him worked out.

No, really.  Oh well- beats Hot Tub Wrap-Up.  The End.

More of the stupid, stupid same.  They changed the Plot a bit.  They changed the name of the Agency.  That's about it.  Same City.  Same Sets (they set the Finale at the Cabin from the last Film).  A lot of the same Cast.  Same Director as last time (for the last time).  Explosions, boobs and more explosions- they're all still here.  I realize that they didn't have the money to do something crazy like go in Space, but they really didn't try here.  I guess I shouldn't either.  It is dumb.  It can be fun to watch for pure silliness' sake.  It is just hard for me to muster that much interest at this point in the Series.  Oh well- here's an Andy Sidaris Cameo.

Next time, I step back to the 1980s.  I haven't watched a good (but probably bad) Horror Film from there in a little while.  Stay tuned...

Holiday Flix: Raped by an Angel 3- Sexual Fantasy of the Chief-Executive

Insert Trump Joke Here.  

Is that out of the way?  Great.  

Today's Film is Raped by an Angel 3: Sexual Fantasy of the Chief-Executive, another in the Series from China.  I *nearly* did this one last year, but was convinced to cover The Love Witch instead.  I don't regret that decision, especially after watching this one.  I last covered this Series in...holy crap, has it been over 7 years?!?  That puts things in perspective.  

On this track, I'll be done with the Series- there are FIVE Films FYI- by the time I'm retired!  

In any event, a recap for those that didn't see the previous two Films is in order.  

In the first, a crazy guy that is also rich targets two women for, well, guess.  It's climax- sorry- involves the man getting caught and getting AIDS- ha?  

In the Sequel, a freaky Dentist is out for, again, guess.  

So now that this explanation is over, what is this one about?  To be fair, it actually inverts the Story a bit this time.  A series of rapes are happening and all blame points to one man.  

Is he the villain?  

Is he crazy?  

Is this all a Hitchcock-ian Story with many twists and turns?  To find out, read on...

Just like with the main Plot, there is a slight inversion here.

Instead of it looking like rape, but being a couple instead...it is a couple and then an actual rape happens.  Creativity?

There have apparently been many rapes in this Building, but the Police are on the case!

The secondary focus of this Story is on our Female Lead (insert Social Commentary Here), who's Brother is a Cop on the case and who works in the Building.  

Oh and everyone keeps saying this...

The titular Executive (actually a Chief-Executive-to-be according to the iffy Subtitles) has weird illusions of women being naked in public.  

Okay, now I need to share this clip then.

Another rape occurs in the Office a bit later.  It is our Female Lead!

So was the point of showing her with a Taser earlier just to misdirect the Audience? 

 I'm not sure if it is a positive thing or if you just forgot.

Evidence points to the Chief-Executive (to-be).  

The fact that the lead Cop is the Brother doesn't help things.

A Psychiatrist from the man's past comes into the picture during all of this.  

Can she help him remember?

The Police are hard on the case, with the Partner working with the Chief-Executive (to-be) and figuring out that some weird, unexplainable stuff is happening around him.

He's also keen on over-sharing.  

Was TMI a thing in 1998?

It all turns out to be a plot by the Psychiatrist, who was dumped by the Executive before his rise.  

She went crazy and put in place a 2,481 part plan that involved hypnosis via fake dial-up sound, a partner, planted evidence, planted memories and mind-controlled murder.

That's...hard to believe, but every bad guy is dead so f--k it.  

The End.

Love is in the air!  Aside from the obvious, perverted stuff here, this is a story of love.  

The main one is about how it can drive you crazy and vengeful- granted.  Aside from that, we do see the love between Brother and Sister, the love between a young Couple and one man's love of 'porno video tapes.' 

 Again- it isn't a perfect, Holiday Film.  

The Film is a bit all over the place story-wise, featuring weird illusions, flashbacks, long stretches of exposition and cutting back to the same Rape Scene about 3x.  The actual Acting is generally-good and I was able to enjoy it without Dubbing.  The Subtitles are very spotty, as nobody seemed to translate the lines for grammatical sense or proper order.  

I'm not saying that I could do a better job, but many people could.  To be fair to those who did said Dubbing, this is a Sequel to a Series that is fairly obscure outside of China and who's IMDB Page is woefully incomplete.  By the time you read this, I may have actually done something about that.  Ain't  I a Saint?  

Is this Film good?  It's alright, but definitely not for most people.  It is more about intrigue and suspense than actual rape, so bear that in mind.  It is also bloodier than you might think, so also note that.  

If nothing else, it makes me feel for the poor guy who has to do Blocking for the Film.  I mean, look at how they had to stage this shot...

Next time, a return to trashy '90s Cinema.  That's right- more Andy Sidaris!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Howling (Part 1)

Thanks to some fortuitous web searching, I've got PLENTY of these that I haven't used before.

We all love The Howling.  Let's see how the folks over in Thailand were sold this Classic...

Alright then.

On the plus side, there weren't any colors they missed there.  Good for them.

The original now, just for contrast...

Basically the same- just with less shine.  I turned it up to 11.  I'm sure that Joe Dante doesn't mind.

'Black' History Month: Nosedive (Black Mirror)

After a short break, I'm back to cover the 2nd biggest Episode of Season 3. It got all of the Awards buzz first, but it got overtaken by San Junipero.
How does it stand up on its own? Let's see...

Bryce Dallas Howard is a lowly Office Worker who does everything to be liked, never really being herself.

In this Alternate Future, everyone is obsessed with Social Media and Rating things.

Does my sarcasm drip enough off of the Screen yet?

Above and beyond our actual addiction, this World brings back the eye cameras from a previous Season and has everyone rank each other all the time.

When you get Ranked low enough, it affects everything in your life. For example, we learn that you can't enter Gated Communities unless you ranked a 3.8 (out of 5) or higher.

When she wants to move up in her life, a chance comes in the form of being in the Wedding of a girl who was always mean to her as a kid. All of her friends are highly-ranked though, so, she goes for it.

Will she get what she's always wanted- a .3 increase in her Social Rank- or will it backfire?

Look at the name of the Episode and tell me. Even so, it is great to watch.

Society is messed up- also this Episode can be quite bleak. That was too easy. In any event, this one delivers on what Black Mirror is best at- showing how Technology can make us into assholes. Whether we are trying to see through our Wife's eyes to check if she's cheating or we're running for Prime Minister as a Cartoon, it changes us all. It is notable to see the comparisons between this and San Junipero, even if they can stand equally on their own. Both are about how the shiny veneer of the World covers up the things that we don't want to face. In this case, it is about people giving up their own identities in order to 'fit in.' Don't be a free spirit, lest a series of people you don't know Rank you lower and affect your life. We see one person not able to work at his job when his rank goes too low, while another is not a 'preferred member' when they go from a 4.2 to a 4.18. People are dicks. The biggest thing here is seeing just how good Bryce Dallas Howard is. When she's not playing not-so-subtle-attacks-on-Feminism-disguised-as-Characters that run in high heels, she can be really, really good. You see at her artificial highs and her realistic lows. She deserves all the praise she got for this! The whole thing looks great too, really committing to its World. Its a shame that other things on Netflix can't commit to World-building. I still probably like Junipero a little better, although that is probably mostly how I prefer hopeful to cringe-worthy. It is still great and teaches us to be ourselves...unless you're Chester.

A great mix of bright and shiny & bleak and dark. This theme has been explored in Shows like Community, The Orville and The Amazing Word of Gumball, but this is the acerbic best.

'00s Trash: Tiptoes (2003)

I sure hope this doesn't effect your chances this year, Gary.  We know that isn't true- playing a British Ruler gets you an Oscar no matter how bad the Film is.  Today's Film is Tiptoes, a 2003 Film that is somewhat famous on the Internet for its Trailer.  Yes, it is a real Film.  It exists.  This Film is notable for its weird mix of great Cast and terrible Concept.  How do you get so many good people for something so bad?  The Cast includes Gary Oldman (my reason for watching), Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette and Peter Dinklage.  It also features the Backwards-Talking Man- this time not replaced with an angry twig.  The Plot involves Matthew and Kate as a Couple who are unexpectedly-expecting.  Why does the guy seem so upset about it?  Well, I'll get into it.  Just stick with me and you'll enjoy the ride.  Speaking of rides...

These 2 are a happy, good-looking couple.  Nothing can go wrong for them!

The guy is keeping a secret- he comes from a family of Little People.  His Brother is Gary Oldman...on his knees.

This was apparently 'The role of a Lifetime' according to the Trailer.  Yeah, no.

She gets pregnant- since they apparently have unprotected sex 2-3x a week- and he's not happy.

Why?  Since he knows how hard it is to have a Little Person grow up- through his brother- and he's not sure if he could handle putting a kid through that- that being life itself.

So here's the thing: this is impossible.  The most common form of Dwarfism needs 2 people with the genetic trait.  The less common version requires one person with that trait.  6 foot whatever guy doesn't have that trait.

When she finds out about his family, she tries to learn about things.  That and wear this terrible hat that Kate Beckinsale really wanted to wear on-screen.  Was it worth it?

On the flip-side, the time that she's not wearing said hat is the time she has this hair.  Way to kill the drama, Stylist!

After their wedding, we get a fade to black- must be where the Cuts were- and they have given birth to a Little Person Baby.  F--k Science!

This makes the guy get more and more upset- after another fade to black- and she goes to temporarily stay with his Brother at his Cabin.  Oh and his two friends- Patricia Arquette and Dinklage- are there.

They are so important to the Plot that I can just not mention them until now.  Also like how I didn't mention David Alan Grier banging Oldman's girlfriend until now.

A bunch of time passes and the Husband arrives to talk to his Wife.  He says that he's working on himself and she says that she still loves him.

Following that, she goes out that night and makes out with Oldman...as the Film abruptly stops.  The End.

So that happened.  Tiptoes is a weird mix of bad Movie and good Movie.  On one hand, the entire premise is bullshit.  They could not have a Little Person Child unless a Witch cursed them (or an evil Dwarf).  The fact that the entire Third Act is built around this actually happening is dumb as hell.  This could have been avoided if they just built the Film around the lead-up to them actually having the kid.  Play up the drama of them expecting and preparing for the worst.  Give them a happy ending with McConaughey learning to accept that they may have a Little Person baby...and they don't.  Everyone wins.  Speaking of which, the expert they talk to in order to prepare for the baby is a Little Person- which is just super dumb.  Does he not know how Genetics work?  Does he not have Google?  Hell, this might actually be a far better Film if they play off the idea that everyone but the Husband knew the obvious science.  Just be all 'Yeah, we knew that this wouldn't happen.  How did you not?'  Cue joke trombone and/or the Curb Your Enthusiasm music.  The final turn doesn't really make sense, as this should really end in a less direct manner.  Oldman is mad that this ex-girlfriend kept cheating on him, so he is now going to just make out (and more) with his Brother's wife?  Nice.  Speaking of which Oldman as a Little Person.  No.  He's not a bad Actor and I don't know why the hell he would want to do this.  If they had just had Dinklage play the Brother, it would work.  A cursory IMDB Search shows that Dinklage and McConaughey are the same age too!  But no, be a great Actor in this Film that will (and should) haunt you forever.  At least Hippie Skank Patricia Arquette isn't affected by this (until I mentioned it just now)...

Next up, a Cult Classic that I'm finally going to watch/review.  When in doubt, avoid Haiti.  Stay tuned...