Quintology IV: Ringu 0 (Birthday)

Any internet critic worth his salt has touched upon at least one of the Ringu films.  

Since I'm a complete and total crazy person, I am going to cover all of them- plus the Korean version as well!  

To begin the series, we actually start with the end...at least, in terms of release dates.  The last 'Ringu' book is a series of short stories about the origin of the girl in the video.  

It just so happens that one of them is called 'Birthday.'  

So, naturally, when the filmmakers decide to make a prequel, they adapt one story from the book, they called the entire thing Ringu 0: Birthday.  Thanks, guys- this is not confusing enough on its own!  

I mean, I have to deal with a series that has two first sequels, - Rasen and Ringu 2- a zero prequel, a Korean remake, two American remakes (with its own only-on-DVD middle sequel), two different television series, two different video games and a manga series!  

So, this whole thing sets up the events that everyone is going to copy?  Okay, let's just dive right into...

The film begins a bit of talk about a lady actress who died and left a child behind.  

Rather than actually focus on this part, we jump ahead to the girl as a teenager.  

Does this mean that someone can still make a prequel to this prequel?  We can't have a -1 film can we?  We're not the Ichi the Killer series!  

Anyhow, the young woman has joined the cast of some sort of play and...are you making this like Eko Eko Azarak III?  I swear, I will turn this review around if you keep this up!  

Sadly, I lack the ability to follow up on my threats, so let's just keep going.  

Our heroine is an understudy in the play and apparently is viewed with an air of distrust by many of the women.  I suppose this is not helped by both the director fawning over her (incidentally, she's 17 here) and the lead actress dying on set.  Her mouth is left agape, which is sight to get used to.  

The movie skips over any sort of investigation or autopsy results (a good omission when you see Rasen) & just keeps going.  A young, handsome man that works on the sound board falls for her, which angers the women even more.  

If you want any craziness, this is not the movie to see...at least not until later.

Things escalate over time as our heroine becomes the star of the play and some of the people start to look into her.  

They also notice a weird sound effect that comes through the high frequencies when she is on-stage.  The show must go-on, however, and the play nears its performance date.  

Trouble comes one night when the director throws himself at our heroine and she must be aided by the young man.  Something tries to bring its psychic powers to bear, but the director ends up being killed in a scuffle with the young man.  

The duo has to hide the body, but this only works for a few hours.  

As the show begins, our male lead is lured away from the sound board and one of the women plays an audio tape from our heroine's sessions with her psychologist.  

Things turn bad, culminating in our heroine being cornered in the back offices of the building by the actors.  

They attack her with a slew of props/blunt objects until she is unconscious and decide to toss her into the ocean.  

Let's go visit her house!

While the others prepare to kill the young woman, the guy shows up and sets her free.  

All of the things that have been forced upon her cause the lady to snap & make her alternate personality come to bear.  

Oh, and the guy gets caught in the cross-fire because he doesn't leave, in spite of her 6,000 warnings.

What follows is what you were promised with this movie and only comes in the last 25 minutes.  They run around the woods, the girl walks around with her hair in front of her face and they die screaming.  

Do we get to see most of this?  No.  

The girl's stepfather (get used to him showing up in different forms) finds two of the women with bullet holes in their heads and attacks the girl.  

He knocks her around and chases her with an axe towards the well.  

He tosses her in and she...wakes up in a bed with the man from before.  

Was that whole thing just a dream?  

No, she actually wakes up a moment later in the well and the imminent darkness.  Hey, wait to steal an ending, The Descent!

This movie is really not that good, but it has promise.  

The whole idea of explaining the root of the evil tape is a genuinely interesting one.  

However, the execution is extremely flawed.  The movie has almost no horror elements to it and the pace drags like a stone.  

On top of that, it flies in the face of the logic that was established in the series- both the books and the films.  

Basically, the girl is not evil, but has some sort of alternate personality that is.  

After three films establishing the girl as nothing short of the embodiment of evil, she turns out to be crazy.  

Let's ignore the fact that the movie attempts to hit all of the notes from Carrie and every other film that followed it.  

In many of the user reviews on Netflix (remember when that was a thing?!?), the defenders of this film say that it is best if not viewed as a horror film, but, instead, as a drama.  

Um, this is the movie that is supposed to explain a horror series- that logic just doesn't fly.  

Just stick with the original films, folks.

Up next, the original Japanese film is up on the chopping block.  Will you dare to watch the review...or read it?  Sorry, I had a theme going there.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Fatal Skies

There are many big names in the field of action films- from Stallone to Van Damme to Schwarzenegger.  Then there is Leary- Timothy Leary.  Before his death in 1999, Mr. LSD played a major role in a direct-to-video action film.  It is...

Wow, that's inspiring.  I can't decide if Leary is trying to be James Bond or Tim Gunn from Project Runway.  In theory, he is the former.  In reality, he is much more like the latter.

Plus, the movie appears to be about parachuting action stars with machine guns.  That's a bit too 'Coleman Francis' for me, thank you.

Next up, two films with the least subtle titles in cinematic history.  As a bonus, I'm 99% sure that they never got a DVD release.  Stay tuned...
Fatal Skies [VHS]

Raiding Hollywood (Video) II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf!

Yeah, I couldn't help it.  I just had to go back when the older stock went down to 3 For $12 and the newer stock (non-Blu-Ray) went down to 3 For $20.  This is what I got...

* The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2005)
* Near Dark
* Shakedown

The first one is actually an upcoming review, but was merely a rental.  For $4, it's worth it- no question.  The second was one I narrowly passed up the last 3 trips there.  As for Shakedown, that movie is just so stupid that it's fun.  A sure-fire video review in the future...whenever I start doing those.

* The Invention of Lying
* Crank 2: High Voltage
* Land of the Lost (2009)

One great comedy, one insane movie and one stupidly-fun movie.  Other than Crank 2, it's not the usual fare you may think of when it comes to Mondo Bizarro, but I love it all the same.

Quick Updates:

+ The Trancers/Trancers 6 Double-Pack is still there.
+ Most of The Asylum's films are there as well.  Nobody wants Invasion of the Pod People, I guess.
+ Still 4 copies of retroGRADE as well.  It's still sad.
+ All 3 of the Darkest Knight series are there.  I guess nobody wants to own a crappy Showtime series disguised as a film trilogy.  Who would have thunk it?!?

Will I get more?  Maybe.  All of the really good stuff is gone & I missed my chance to get stuff like Inglorious Basterds and District 9 for the cheap.  There's always next closing...

Argento Day: Two Evil Eyes (Part 2)

For all of you who have desperately awaiting to see what The Maestro Dario Argento would do with an Edgar Allen Poe story, your wait is over.  In the second half of Two Evil Eyes, Argento brings you his version of the Southerner's immortal tale: 'The Black Cat.'  This version has one big star of note: Harvey Keitel.  This is back when Keitel was in his big, gritty phase and, in fact, this movie pre-dates his most notable film- The Bad Lieutenant- by one year.  Just like the other review, I'll give you a quick summary of the story- in case you have never read Poe before- and highlight the key moments.  This is...

'The Black Cat' is the tale of a man who faces madness and obsession, evidently channeling it through the black cat owned by his girlfriend.  Like most Poe characters, he goes mad and bad things happen.  So what does Argento add to the story?

* Keitel's character is a crime scene photographer who shows up at crime scenes based on Poe tales.  For example, the first murder is a person killed by a swinging pendulum.  Is this part of some larger plot?  No.

* The lead detective is played by Beastmaster's John Amos.  I just wanted to mention that.

* His wife is a young cellist and owns a cat that is not too fond of the man.  Maybe it's the photo-shoot where he puts a noose around it's neck...

* Keitel has a freaky dream where is in the 16th century and assaulted by a coven of Wiccans.  They drag him up into the air and drop him onto a wooden rod.  Yowza!  Does this add anything to the plot?  Nope.

* Another crime scene involves a dug-up corpse that was being molested by a crazy man.  That man- Tom Savini!  He makes a cameo in Two Evil Eyes, but not in Romero's portion?  What are the odds?

* Keitel's wife is having an affair with another person in the orchestra and plans to leave the man.  He comes early one night to find her and, well, things end badly.

* To cover up his crime, he does a series of elaborate tricks to disguise her disappearance.  He even cuts out a picture of her face and puts it on the passenger seat to trick people into thinking that they left together.

* He buries the body in a hole in the wall, which is then blocked by a bookcase.  The cat actually makes a break for it, but is killed with a shovel head.  Ouch.

* However, all of this is for naught as a student sees her cello case and realizes it.  Really?!?  It's that easy?

* Eventually, the police come around and actually leave without finding anything.  Unfortunately, the guy forgot to get Keitel's photography signed by him.  They hear the noise from a cat and find the bodies.

* Keitel kills them though and nearly escapes through the window, using Amos' body as an anchor.  The man's belt gives way, however, and our killer/hero is hung to death in the window.  Next time, try the door.

This story is good, but the pacing is a little weird.  While both parts of Two Evil Eyes are about an hour long, Argento's feels a bit bottom-heavy.  The wife is actually killed about twenty minutes or so into it & a good portion of the run-time is set aside for Keitel's deception and downfall.  On top of that, the whole 'dream/flashback' bit is just, well, odd.  It's not bad- it just feels like part of some other film.  It is interesting foreshadowing for the work he would do in The Mother of Tears though.  To his credit, Keitel does a great job with the role, really playing crazy and eccentric with the right amount of flair and subdued-rage.  Of course, if this had been a Stuart Gordon film, we would have had Jeffrey Combs play the role.  Mind you, he did do the phenomenal version of this same story for Showtime's Masters of Horror with Combs in it, but Jeffrey was playing Poe himself.  Like Romero's portion- The Facts in the case of M. Valdemar- it has some key elements that identify it as Argento's own.  In this case, it is the long tracking shots and weird gore.  Which portion is better though?  For my money, it's still this one, but I'm a biased Argento fan-boy.  Suspiria and Phenomena have just spoiled me for other horror films.

Up next, I begin my five part look at the Ringu series.  Why five parts?  Because I like to both cheat and ignore the American stuff.  First up, the last film, but actually the first chronologically.  Confused yet?  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: House of the Dead 2

This update is late because I couldn't...blah blah blah.  Anyhow, one to the belated review.

We're back again with another Uwe Boll sequel...and it's also not made by him.  Instead, this movie claims to be made by the Sci-Fi Channel.  Yeah, we all know what that means.  Some idiot paid Uwe $50 for the license and they bought it.  This is basically the same thing with the latter Return of the Living Dead series (Parts 4 and 5).  So, what has changed?  Well, it's not an island, there are no returning characters- save for one cheat near the end- and it's just another generic zombie film...but with soldiers in it.  To be fair, the movie does have some shallow ties to the original, but it's just as easily called Kappa Kappa Brains (I dare someone to use this) or some other stupid title.  You see, this movie is set on a college campus.  Mind you, the actual aspect of being a campus as far as the movie is concerned only relates to the intro and the fact that this place has some school buildings.  It also boasts a bunch of D-Level celebrities in small roles that amount to nothing.  This is...

The film begins with a fake-out opening concerning some idiot frat boys (is that redundant?) going on a panty raid/soaking a bunch of girls with water guns party.  One of them snaps a picture of a man having sex with a co-ed student- hello, pointless nudity- and she runs off.  Out in the parking lot, car hits her and a professor walks out.  Hello, pointless cameo role by Sid Haig.  The man takes her to his lab, takes her clothes off- really, movie?- and injects her with a serum to bring her back to life.  It doesn't seem to work, but the man makes the same mistake as the janitor from Blacula and gets killed by the monster lady.  We get a long credits sequence that has a ton of zombie attacks spliced into it.  Why?  Well, as you can see in the Special Features section, all of these scenes were cut from the film and just thrown in here.  At a restaurant, a woman (Emmanuelle Vaugier) is on a blind date with a pointless ancillary character...I mean, a guy.  The chef goes outside to eat, but gets bitten by zombie Haig- who walks off and is never seen again.  The woman hears about the incident from a waiter- I guess they're buddies or something- and goes to the back, killing the now-zombified chef.  Outside, she breaks off her date and meets up with her partner (Ed Quinn, looking like James Roday) and they take a bite victim away in an ambulance.  Our heroes kill the man when he starts to turn, coating themselves in zombie blood.  Yeah, that's sanitary.

Our heroes arrive at AMS base and are greeted by their boss- a woman that looks like Chelsea Handler from E! Network.  They meet up with the soldiers that work for the company as well, one of whom is played by the maid from My Name Is Earl, and discuss a bizarre a side-plot event: the death of Quinn's brother.  It's never shown and barely addressed, so why include it?  The pair is told that a zombie outbreak occurred at a college campus- hence the credits scenes- and they must stop it.  Their secondary goal is to find 'Zombie Zero' and make a serum from their blood.  The pay-off to this is really dumb, so keep reading.  At the outskirts, Quinn gives a whole speech to the platoon leader ('Sticky Fingaz') about how they're not ready to kill zombies, but he disagrees.  On just the second zombie attack, one of them trips over their own feet- really- and the other is instantly-disarmed.  He attempts a silly-looking flip, but is bitten and 'put down' by the AMS workers.  When one man goes to help him, he too is bitten and shot as well.  Yeah, they're ready.  To make matters worse, they split up.  Oh and bonus points for putting the pre-requisite jerk character with your two female soldiers.  In fact, when they break into a room and kill a co-ed zombie, he asks them to take his picture with it.  They hang around too long and a mosquito bites him, infecting him.  Hey, this isn't SARS Wars!

While they leave him to die/turn, our main heroes wander around a library.  Yet again, they falter and our AMS heroes must kill the zombies.  Plus, the fat, comic relief guy actually acts smarter than the 'grizzled soldier.'  As the film goes on, most of the soldiers die and/or get turned.  Our heroes do the electricity kill from Return of the Living Dead 2 and we learn that the zombies are evolving to grow teeth that bite through armor.  Aw, I'll miss you, fat and stupid soldier.  Finally, an hour or so into the movie, we get the plot connection to the original film: Zombie Zero is the girl who was revived at the end of the film.  She got captured by Haig and now we have a (bad) plot.  After wrestling with her, they get the sample and kill her.  They escape by barely-shifting their way through a horde of zombies that just sort of reach their hands out.  Sadly, they lose the sample in the escape.  By the way, they have 15 minutes to get back before the place is blown up by the military.  After five minutes of arguing, the trio of survivors go back and work their way to the room...again.  They get a second sample, but the remaining soldier is bit and kills herself.  Vaugier is swarmed upon by zombies as well, leaving Quinn to leap away from the missile attack.  The bitten soldier from earlier tries to steal the sample, but is killed by Vaugier.  Yeah, she escaped the zombies and the blast.  Unfortunately, this sample is also destroyed, leaving our heroes to drive into a previously-unmentioned zombie apocalypse.  The End.

This movie is just really, really bad.  The writing is bad, the acting is bad and the execution is even worse.  Why did this have to be House of the Dead 2?  I mean, your one connection is a *new* flashback to a character from the previous film...who is not even played by the same actress.  Oddly, I didn't see Uwe's name anywhere in here, save for an acknowledgment credit.  So how did this movie turn out so shitty?  I think that they just did not try that hard.  They figured that the license, the idea of zombies and all their stupid D-Level stars would sell the picture.  One look at the DVD itself tells you a lot.  Save for the Deleted Scenes spliced into the credits, we get one that actually starts with the clapboard.  Guys, that's a Behind The Scenes thing, not a Deleted Scenes thing!  Avoid this one unless you love shitty zombie films and or want to see that the Boll apple did not fall far from the tree.  Oh and to avoid a question that you're probably thinking after these two weeks- 'No, I'm not reviewing Bloodrayne 2.'

Next up, Part 2 of my Two Evil Eyes review.  Can Argento top Romero's segment?  Well, Romero's did not have an acid flashback to the 1600s, so maybe.  Stay tuned...

Romero Week: Martin

We're closing out a week of non-zombie Romero films with his first movie to disappear into obscurity.  This movie falls into an awkward place as it falls between his two most notable hits- Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead.  Why did this film not work?  Why did it become a film that only movie nerds with obsessive-compulsive disorder talk about?  Hey, wait a second...  Anyhow, the film is about a young man who is living with his uncle in Detroit (big surprise!) and dealing with the man's hatred of him.  Why does he hate Martin?  Well, in a nutshell, he thinks that his nephew is a vampire.  Okay, Romero, I'll bite: this sounds strange.  Will it turn out to be a hidden gem or something that my cat buries?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a young man (Martin) stalking a woman on a train.  He breaks into her room and attacks her, eventually pacifying with an injection of some chemical.  He rapes her and then cuts her neck open and drinks her blood.  Somehow, he can sneak off the train at the stop and nobody ever talks about this.  I know Detroit has a crime-rate issue, but this should get some attention!  Martin is picked up by his uncle, who does nothing but stare at him and talk to him strangely.  The man appears to be 'fresh off the boat,' despite owning a house for years there.  He acts all freaky about having Martin there, even going as far to have garlic strung up in the door frames and tying string with a bell on it to the door.  He does all this because he is convinced that Martin is a vampire.  This leads to my biggest complaint: Martin is a vampire!  The whole thing is played like 'wow, this uncle is crazy,' but the guy does kill people and drink their blood.  Just because he doesn't turn into a bat doesn't negate everything!

The movie is a series of melodramatic moments and odd plot points from here on out.  Martin's cousin is a nice young lady who just sort of mopes about and does nothing.  She has a boyfriend- Tom Savini- who has one brief scene where he just sort of sits around during dinner.  That's pretty much it for Tom- have fun making all the blood.  Speaking of which, Martin kills another lady and drinks her blood too...but he's not a vampire.  He has a weird food delivery/date with a married woman who likes to talk to him while he just sort of stands around collecting flies in his upper lip.  Seriously, the guy doesn't speak until 25 minutes or so into the movie.  He actually begins a relationship with this woman and sort of meanders about- what a surprise.  It picks up when he shows up one night, says that he wants to have sex with her and...well, they do.  That was abrupt, movie.  Later on, he delivers food to a different couple, stakes the place out and attacks the house while the woman is with her boyfriend.  This attack scene runs for minutes on end and takes up a good chunk of screen time.  But I wanted more meandering dialog scenes!

Eventually, we get a little bit of explanation as to the whole 'deal' with Martin.  The family evidently has a history of crazy family members and the uncle thinks that Martin is the next part of that line.  Again- he's freaking right!  Whether or not this guy can start crosses on fire by staring at them angrily or not, he's still a damn vampire!  He's so convinced that he's not a classical vampire that he begins to call into a late-night radio show and discuss how he's different.  The uncle keeps up the (logical) thing about trying to cure Martin, even going as far as to make him go to Church and inviting the new minister over to... hello, random cameo by the director.  Things turn sour for our protagonist/vampiric murderer when he stumbles across the woman he's been with in the bathtub with her wrists slit.  A bloody murder that he had nothing to do with- astounding!  His whole murder campaign ends with a series of killings one night, that culminates in both a police chase, a shoot-out and him getting away Scott-free.  He goes home that night, only to get a stake through the heart from his uncle and ends up being buried in the yard by his uncle.  Hurray?

This movie is really dull and misguided.  I mean, it's not terrible, but...it just makes no damn sense.  In theory, this movie could be really interesting and creative.  If Martin was not really a killer or anything and just treated like a vampire, it could work.  Although he is a vampire, so what is the point of all the 'I'm not a vampire' thing?  This movie has some good moments, but they are stuck in between some dull and listless moments of dialogue with no direction.  This idea could have been salvaged with a more clear direction and some serious plot points.  No offense, but if you're going to make movies like Martin, stick to zombies!

Next up, Blockbuster Trash brings us yet another sequel to an Uwe Boll film.  Is it better than the last one?  You aren't really that naive, are you?  Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Race Relations: 21

This crime/student film was pretty successful when it came out, but it was not without controversy.  Why?

Well, the movie is *sort of* based on a true story of some MIT students who learned to count cards and win at blackjack.  Unfortunately, the casting is what kills the whole thing.  In the real story, a man named Jeff Ma founded/led the group.  In the movie...

...not so much.  In fact, many of the other people in the movie- including the teacher- are really Asian Americans.  To make matters more confusing and silly, Kevin Spacey's character is actually a composite character.  So he's not a real person or the right ethnicity!

To see more about this, check this page out.

Next up, a sci-fi cult classic from the 1990s that is actually a little bit racist.  Stay tuned...

Romero Week: Knightriders

I won't sugar-coat this one: this is barely a Romero film, at least on the surface.  The film tells the tale of a troupe of men and woman who do motorcycle-jousting at Renaissance Festivals.  Despite the anachronistic nature of it, they do this in full armor.  I know- been there, done that!  You're probably wondering just where a story like this goes.  Do you do it quirky or do you do it with complete and total seriousness?  Well, the closest Romero has done to 'quirky' is casting Dennis Hopper in Land of the Dead, so you know what the answer is going to be.  The film actually stars a young Ed Harris (back when he was merely going bald), Ken Foree and Tom Savini.  Mind you, it also stars about 100 other people, but they are the notable ones.  The key thing to understand is that this movie still has all of the same sorts of themes & motivations that are usually found in Romero films.  Remember this, so little else is the same.  This is...

Due to the nature of the film, this is going to be a somewhat different format.  To cover the entire plot would take four or five paragraphs.  You see, the movie clocks in at 145 minutes long.  So, instead, let's look at the characters and their key plot threads...

* The King (Harris) is driven by a pure, unbridled passion for honor and decency.  He also has a deep-seated fear of someone with a bird emblem, he refuses to sell-out and likes to whip himself.  His biggest opposition is...
* The Black Knight (Savini) who is a cocky, arrogant and brash performer.  He wants to be in charge and to hit the big time.  He also has a love interest that he has sheer apathy towards.  Will he get his way?

* The troupe's Gallahad is a brash young jouster that begins a sudden relationship with a woman at a show.  Within the course of one afternoon, she has left her family to follow the troupe.  Speaking of weird and random...
* Merlin is played by the late Brother Blue & is a weird combination of shaman and real-word doctor.  He dispenses medical aid while also talking about destiny and all of that crap.

* Ken Foree plays Little John.  His role is mostly walking around shirtless and putting up equipment.

* A pair of agents may break up the troupe with their offer of a show in Las Vegas.  What kind of schmuck would sign for that kind of thing?  For the record, this film was made nine years before the Excalibur hotel opened.  Romero = psychic?
* Look for a cameo by Stephen King and his wife as unamused audience members.  I guess Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov were busy.
* A group of bikers that decide to make trouble at the events.  Bikers and knights- who would have thunk it?
* Will the group sell-out?  Will Savini ever figure out that the lady likes him?  Will Harris continue to whip himself?

This movie is good, but it really requires a commitment.  As I said in the beginning, the movie is 145 minutes long!  Unlike a lot of films that are that long, the movie does not have a whole lot of real plot.  Most of the key things- the potential show change, Harris' eccentricity, etc- are set up in the first 30 or 40 minutes and just sort of stew.  It's not a boring film, but it just lacks a real push.  Maybe that's the point, but I don't know.  The problem is that I don't think that the two genres of biker film and knight film really mix well.  The former works because it is about floating free, while the latter requires a constant push forward towards some sort of MacGuffin.  You can't have it both ways, George!  Check this out if you want a Romero film like no other, but a word of warning: this is a Romero film like no other.

Up next, I close out Romero Week with a film about a man who thinks he's a vampire.  Is he?  Why are you asking me?  Oh right.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: TCM/TCM 2

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a low-budget, horror gem from America.  How will this play overseas though?  Well, take a look at how they marketed it in France...

Wow...that's direct.  Simple and to-the-point.  Okay, it's your turn, Italy!

Another good one- freaky and weird.  Considering the film...that works.  Let's give one more country at shot at it, this time with the sequel...

That...is sure something...weirdos.  Thanks for not labeling the film correctly, by the way.  I had no idea that Dennis Hopper was in the original one!

Next up, an '80s comedy sequel is turned freaky thanks to the minds in Japan.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Critters 2

For one reason or another, this one has been delayed for a while.  Let's not delay any further then...

In Critters 2, the Sheriff has retired (and been replaced with a different actor).  As such, a new Sheriff is tasked with his predecessor's Easter duties- dressing up like a Bunny!  To make matters worse, the eponymous creatures have shown up.

The man goes to use the bathroom, but this signals the tiny fur-balls to jump into his suit.  As he is bit over and over his body, he stumbles towards the church.  Somehow, he manages to leap through the window during the sermon and dies.

Why is he a Poor Bastard of Cinema?  Because he was never given a name!  When you want a death to matter, you at least take the time to name the guy!

Up next, another Poor Bastard from Critters 2.  It's an anonymous killing field out there!  Stay tuned...

Romero Week: Monkey Shines

As far as obscure Romero films go, this one is probably the most famous.  Yes, I realize how weird that sounds.  Anyhow, this movie is obscure because the reaction to it- both financially and critically- was not positive.  Does this film deserve it?  Well, to answer that, let's first look at the movie properly.  Basically, a crippled man is giving a helper monkey who- for reason that will become clear and then make no sense- gets all gooey for him and kills any 'enemy' of his.  This is a Romero film, so expect lots of subtle commentary and non-bloody violence.  This is...

The film begins with a young man going out for a run.  Faster than you can say 'don't cross the road during the credits,' he is hit by a car while crossing the road during the credits.  Well, there is some bad news and some worse news.  The bad news- he's paralyzed from the neck down.  The worse news- he's definitely a chicken now.  At a party for him, our hero gets all 'emo' and upsets his mother.  Geez, what's your problem?  Oh right...the paralysis thing.  Fortunately, his buddy from Mad About You shows up with a solution: a monkey.  Yes, when your life goes to hell, get a tiny animal that is covered in parasites and craps everywhere!  Unfortunately, our hero does not realize that some freaky shit has been going down at the lab.  In a nutshell, he has been injecting them with DNA from human brains.  Why?  Why the hell not, I say?  Just to make things even more complicated, our hero's ex-girlfriend is now dating his doctor (Stanley Tucci).  Conflict of interest, maybe?  At home, our hero gets comfortable with the whole idea of the monkey & even finds time to talk to a lady.  Of course, when his mom moves on, things don't get better.

As time goes by, the bond between our hero and the monkey get closer and closer.  In fact, he has weird dreams about running around in the fields.  Since this is a Romero film, expect no real explanation for how this actually working.  In the meantime, the monkey starts to get jealous of the mother, while the woman starts to dislike the smelly animal that is always acting angry at her.  This is possibly the world's weirdest love triangle.  Things get even more difficult when our hero gets closer to an animal handler who has been helping him learn to train the monkey.  One night, he actually goes over to her place for dinner and things, well, they escalate.  In one of the weirdest sex scenes of all time, our hero is set-up in his bed with all of the wires and such.  The woman, in turn, climbs on top of him and, well, it's weird.  It's not extremely explicit, just more so than you would expect.  Does it have anything to do with anything?  No.  Let's get to the good stuff now, movie.

Eventually, our hero's friend figures out that something weird is going on with the monkeys.  Of course, his drug use makes the whole discovery and explanation a bit hard.  The monkey breaks out of the house and burns down the cabin that the bad doctor and his lady are staying at.  It even finds time to kill the mother via a radio dropped into her bath.  The friend shows up to try and stop the monkey, but things don't go too well.  Basically, his attempt to stab the monkey with some poison ends with him dead instead.  When the girlfriend comes by as well- damn you, poker night!- she is attacked by the monkey.  I know what you're thinking- how tough is this monkey?  It all sounds silly until something is clinging to your face and stabbing you in the eyes, doesn't it?  Anyhow, the monkey is about to kill the girl with what was left of the poison, but our hero lures it over to him.  When it comes in for a hug, he grabs the monkey and shakes it, shakes it, shakes it like a Polaroid picture.  To make things even weirder, we get a tacked-on, happy ending.  Our hero gets a second opinion and learns that his paralysis was misdiagnosed.  One surgery later and our guy is told that he will walk again.  Seriously?  The End.

This movie is honestly much better than you might think.  On paper, this just sounds ridiculous.  I mean, it's a George Romero film about a killer, helper monkey.  How could this possibly be good?  Well, it is.  Don't get me wrong- it takes a while to get going,  The whole premise is a bit odd, but it works.  We get plenty of scenes establishing how hard it is for the man to get around now that he's paralyzed.  One great scene involves the parakeet getting loose and inadvertently-terrorizing the man in his bed.  Because the movie is played so straight, it just works.  On top of that, the soundtrack does a lot of the work in setting up the suspenseful scenes as well.  I could have done without the weird ending though, to be honest.  Right, monkey?

Next up, a very obscure Romero film with no monsters, no killing and no zombies.  In its place- Motorcycle Jousting.  Stay tuned...

Raiding Hollywood (Video)

I went to work one day and discovered that the Hollywood Video store at the front of the complex was closing.  Because of this, they were selling all of their older stock.  This should be fun.

As of this writing date, I have picked up 9 DVDs for roughly $50.  They are...

* Shadow of the Vampire
* Black Sheep (2007)
* Flash Gordon (1980)
* Beowulf (1999)
* Game Over (2003)
* Invaders from Mars (1986)
* She-Creature (2001)
* Tokyo Gore Police
* The Immortal (2000)

I'll probably get more when they drop the price from them even more.  There are also a couple of Fun Facts for you.

-They had FOUR copies of retroGRADE on their shelves.  That's sad.
- They have SIX copies of the recent film Mirrors.  That's even sadder.
- There are a ton of Asylum films on their shelf, including When A Killer Calls and Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  I hope they stay there!
- Lastly, they have a boatload of Full Moon releases as well.  There's one double feature that astounded me though- Trancers/Trancers 6!  Where's the logic in that?!?  Not Trancers/Trancers 2 or Trancers IV/Trancers V?  What?!?

If and when I get more of them, I'll let you know.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Dracula vs. Frankenstein

Dracula vs. Frankenstein is not a good movie.  I mean, the whole thing is dull, listless and barely features the match-up that you would be expecting.

However, if you got it on VHS, you wouldn't think that!  

First up...

Wow- that looks great.  Can you top that, other box?

Yes, yes you can!  Good on you, boy!

The movie still sucks.  Al Adamson has been dead since 1995, so I feel comfortable saying that his entire catalog sucks as well.

And yes, I know now that this is for 2 different Films.

Next up, a film starring the most unlikely of action stars- Timothy Leary.  Stay tuned...

Romero Week: Two Evil Eyes (Part 1)

It's been about twenty years since this movie was made and it is still more obscure than I could possibly imagine.  I mean, look at this thing on paper for a minute.  It's a horror anthology film based on the work of Edgar Allen Poe.  On top of that, it is made up of two segments: one directed by George A. Romero and the other by Dario Argento.  Why is this not one of the most famous horror films of all time?  Is the idea too simple to work?  Is it not good?  What on Earth is stopping this movie from being a genre-defining film?  Let's find out in my review of...

The first tale is that of The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar.  The tale is a pretty straight-forward one in Edgar Allen Poe's original text.  An unnamed doctor does an experiment with a dying man: hypnotize him into a deep sleep.  When the man dies, he somehow stays under the spell.  That can't be good, can it?  In the end of that tale, the man finally snaps Valdemar out of the spell and he melts.  For a normal- albeit gooey- version of that tale, check out 1962's Tale of Terror.  Romero is at the helm here, so let's see what he adds to the mix...

* Valdemar now has a sultry, younger wife (Adrianne Barbeau) & the doctor is the former-lover of her.

* Valdemar is being bilked out of his money by the woman, who plans to run off with the man.

 * The man actually dies before the money can all be taken, so they hide his body in the ice chest.

* They discover that the man is still alive and- in a major twist on the story- is being used as a channeling vessel for the other spirits in Heaven and Hell.  You know what that means- zombies!

* They try to kill the body, but it's too late for that.  They finally figure out that they must un-hypnotize him...but don't do that in time other.  The wife is killed, but our doctor gets away.  How is freedom treating you?

* The police show up in the final act, but only find a zombie killer with a pyramid in his chest.  Man, who hasn't been there?

-For those looking for Argento's part of the film, wait until Sunday.  I don't want to step on Romero's Week now.

This movie is good & really works in this shortened format.  Despite being a Poe tale, you can see the influence of Romero here.  For starters, it is an indictment of people seeking monetary gain at the cost of their soul.  It also has the subtle characterizations (money-grubbing bitch, lecherous doctor, etc) that you expect from Romero.  Oh yeah, there's also zombies here.  It is a curious take on the tale and does more with it than you might expect.  Fortunately, this tale is not deeply-rooted in its 19th Century setting and is easily adapted into any time.  As long as we have rich people and watches on chains, we're good.  I would like to see someone try to turn this into a full-length tale, but I'm not sure how that would work.  Someone prove me wrong!

Next up, Romero's love story involving a man and his spider monkey.  It turns ugly, people!  Stay tuned...

Romero Week: Bruiser

George A. Romero is a hollowed name in the horror film industry.  He has 16 directing credits- not counting a television show and a 1974 television special on O.J. Simpson- to his name, but most of them are quite notable.  Okay, a few of them are really notable.  Besides his zombie films, he has put out a lot of other movies, but they never quite reached the same level of acclaim.  Let's do a little bit to fix that, shall we?  We start off with the most recent, non-zombie film put out by the Detroit native.  In the year 2000, he made this horror film about a man (character actor Jason Flemyng) who is constantly put down by society and all of those around him.  I wonder what he is going to do about that?  Let's find out in my review of...

The story begins with our character waking up in the morning and going about his daily activities.  We get some random weirdness involving the house apparently being in the middle of construction.  As such, there is a mounted table saw in the kitchen.  Wow, that's wacky...and pointless.  He goes to work for a modeling agency known as Bruiser- why, exactly?- and is berated by his over-the-top boss (Peter Stormare) for not thinking the way he does.  He has a common hatred of the man that is shared by that person's wife, which is probably going to synch up somehow.  On top of that, his stock broker is a complete asshole.  At a celebratory pool party on the same day, our hero is mocked for being plain and forgettable- a blank slate, as it were.  Not only that, but our hero's girlfriend is also having an affair behind his back.  Gee, I wonder who it could be with?  After about thirty minutes of this (movie time), the man wakes up to find one of the wife's expressionless masks on his face...and it won't come off!  When he hears his wife going off to have an affair, things are going to get ugly...

He follows her to his place of work to find her in the company of Mr. Stormare.  Actually, they are first discovered by the wife, which is somewhat of a mood-killer. While the boss pursues his wife out to her car- not even stopping to put on his pants- our hero goes to see his lady.  This does not end well, culminating in her dead body being hung out the window.  The police question the boss about this event, ignoring the fact that he was clearly outside when it happened.  The mask and murderer give our protagonist a look on life and he decides to go for the gusto.  Of course, he first has to try and paint the bleached-white mask up to resemble human skin.  Does it work?  Well, let's just say that he is probably the only child in history to fail out of drawing in Kindergarten.  He proceeds to go after most of the people in his life and get some much-needed revenge.  When he confronts his broker, he learns that the man has been stealing money from him and, after a nice monologue, kills him.  He talks to the wife of the boss and learns that she is not exactly hating his new outlook on life.  Of course, when he calls a radio show and confesses to the murders, she is a bit confused.  Join the group, lady!

 The climax of the film is all about this big fashion line party and getting his shot at the boss.  Before that takes place, however, he has to deal with his former best friend.  This Dwight Yoakam-looking fellow seems to sell him out, but actually resists the chance to.  He also turns down some loving from the hot Asian model they hired...for some reason.  Our hero breaks into the party and comes across the man while he is dressed up like the devil...or something.  Don't expect logical from a guy who flashes his balls during a business meeting, folks.  He gets lifted up in the air over the party in some sort of symbol of...um, purgatory or something.  Yeah, I don't get it.  What I do get, however, is the sight of the man getting his nether regions burned by a laser that they have at the party...for some reason.  We get a weird twist however- it's not our hero that was doing all of this.  Evidently, he found a way to return his face to normal- don't look for logic in a Romero film- and the attacker was actually the wife.  To make matters more confusing, the lead detective (Romero alumni Tom Atkins) lets her go.  We get an epilogue involving our hero working a new job as a mail-room attendant with a blond ponytail.  One jerk demeans him one too many times and we get a falsh of the old 'blank face.'

This movie is good, but it's not quite sure what to do with itself.  The premise is a pretty unique one and the acting is sufficient to deliver the results.  Flemyng does a decent job of being a 'push-over' and Stormare is gleefully over-the-top as the boss.  Unfortunately, most of the supporting actors pale in the shadow of these two and are just sort of there.  Atkins does alright, but his role is a pretty nothing part.  Get used to that in your next Romero part, Tom.  The problem with this movie is that the premise is more juicy than the execution.  The killings are fairly pedestrian and Romero is clearly not sure what to do with the overall execution.  It's good, but fails to stand out as part of his film catalog.  Maybe this is why his next film- Land of the Dead- wasn't for another five years.

Up next, Romero adapts a famous Edgar Allen Poe tale alongside Dario Argento.  Unless they're doing some long-lost sex comedy tale of his, this has to be good!  Stay tuned...

Year In Review: Top 10 Worst Films of the Mondo Bizarro

As March signals the end of my anniversary month, I figured that it would be fitting to do the final Top 10 List here.  In one year's time, I have reviewed many films- good and bad.  To be honest, most of them are bad in some way or another.  Even films I like have something wrong with them.  Well, except for Tokyo Gore Police- that's just immaculate.  As such, I want to highlight the films that stand out as being the worst of the worst.  Check out this shit...

10. One Million AC/DC: This is one of the last semi-mainstream films to have Ed Wood's name attached to it & even that is only as a screenwriter.  This film is about a group of cavemen who are more interested in dry humping their emaciated women than anything else.  Unfortunately, a stupid-looking dinosaur (toy) is loose, as is a horny ape.  This movie is hideous.  It tries to be a sex comedy, but has no good jokes and ugly women.  Why would anyone want to see this movie?  I can't think of a good reason.  Don't let my sacrifice be in vain.

9. Star Wreck: The odds of anyone else seeing this movie besides me is probably pretty low, but I will warn you all the same.  This is actually part of a series of low-budget sci-fi parodies from Finland, but only this one has a DVD release here.  The story is confusing because of this, but still dumb on its own merits.  Basically, a small group of space explorers are stuck on modern day Earth & want to get back.  To do so, they screw the time-space continuum by taking over the world with their advanced technology.  Bad green screen effects, bad acting and comedy based solely around puns (i.e. maggot hole instead of worm hole) kill this movie.  Stay in Finland and stop polluting!

8. Pocahauntus: If you survived my review of this film on Thanksgiving Day, then you are a brave man/woman!  This low-budget horror-comedy is about a group of horrible people who are invited to a mysterious retreat.  Evidently, their ancestors all did something to offend the ghost of the Indian princess back in the day & she wants revenge.  The whole idea that this movie is a rip-off of the famous Ten Little Indians story is better irony than this movie can muster.  It's long, painful and unfunny.

7. Day of the Dead 2- Contagium/Creepshow 3: This movie is just a big, giant mess.  Even just looking at the thing conceptually, it's awful.  It's billed as a combination of both a prequel (it's epilogue is set in 1968- ha ha) and a sequel (the main plot is set in 2005).  That makes no sense!!!  The actual plot is awful, involving a group of patients and doctors at a mental institution uncovering a mysterious toxin that turns people into zombies.  By the way, they explain the zombie outbreak that is never explained in the Romero films.  This is by the people that made Creepshow 3, which also sucks hard.  Let's just lump this crap in together.  They are both hideous.


6. Welcome to the Jungle: For all you cult horror fans, you should know that this movie is a blatant, direct-to-video rip-off of Cannibal Holocaust.  Everything about this is just utterly generic and bad.  The different is that we get a pair of couples going out to find a long-lost Vanderbilt heir in the jungle.  The narrative splits to show one couple run off with the camera & provoke some natives until they get killed.  We are awkwardly pulled back to the other couple, who were apparently carrying a spare camera in their gear the whole time.  They find their dead friends about an hour in- giving us the movie's only gore shots- and get killed.  It's like Cloverfield, but with no monster and lots of leaves.  Argh!


5. Bryan Loves You: I tried to not have Blockbuster Trash take over this list, but I can't help but mention this crap.  This movie is by Seth Landau- a distant relative of the famous Martin- and designed to be his big breakout.  Considering how obscure this is, clearly this did not work!  The movie is shot on handy-cam & tells the tale of a couple trying to uncover a weird cult that worships a man named Bryan.  It's a crappy movie that can't even keep to its own gimmick, having one scene in a room with three different camera angles.  It also has a cameo by George Wendt, Lloyd Kaufman as a mental patient and tries to establish it's realistic credentials with an intro by Tony Todd...playing an FBI agent.  Wow, I immediately know how much crap you are going to put out- thanks.

4. Cthulu (2007): This little indy gem got crapped out last year, despite having a credited year of 2007.  In a nutshell, you get a bad rip-off of The Wicker Man.  To make things worse, 90% of the movie is designated to discussing our lead character's problems with not being accepted due to him being gay.  Where are the Elder Gods exactly?  The titular character never shows up, is never mentioned and has nothing to do with the plot.  What we do get, however, is a scene where Tori Spelling rapes our gay hero while her paralyzed husband is in the other room.  This film is a giant lie and should be ignored like it was for the two years it went unreleased.  Moving on...


3. Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders: This actually makes the original film look smart.  In defense of that movie, it was silly and funny.  This movie is horribly-stupid and actually lowers your intelligence.  The high point: cosmic cheerleaders in tiny skirts.  Everything else- including King Kong pissing on a crowd and a galaxy of farting- is hideous.  Trust me- this sucks.


2. Hobgoblins 2: Seriously, why was this movie ever made?  The man behind the '80s anti-classic explains in a DVD interview that he wanted to make a sequel, but got distracted making the Vice Academy series.  Nearly 20 years later, he turned his sequel script into what seems to be a remake.  They have new actors playing the same parts, but the original events are not even mentioned.  Why was this movie made?  Why did I watch it?  Oh right, I'm a sadist.  That explains most of these movies, actually.

1. Good-Bye Uncle Tom: A fake documentary that tries to explain why white people kept slaves.  To make matters worse, it is one of the most racist films ever made & recreates the Antebellum South in Brazil- no lie!  To top it all off, the movie is over two hours long and features lots of horrible, horrible imagery.  It's so bad that I had to use the word 'horrible' twice.  This movie is an endurance test that few people can endure.  Anyone that does manage to survive it will never be the same.  It's...something that defies all logic and explanation.

So that's a year in review.  I've done so much, yet made so little.  How about you guys help me out there?  *wink wink*  No, I'm only kidding...mostly.

More Year In Review to come...next year.  Please don't hold your breath that long.  Stay tuned...