Crap D'Italia: Dawn of the Mummy

I know what you are thinking: this title sounds familiar...but it also doesn't. I will explain why that is. This movie was marketed as a tie-in to Dawn of the Dead, hence the title. This was extremely common back in the day and is also annoying. This movie has nothing to do with Romero's classic (overrated as its social commentary may be). It is a weird mix of the Mummy film and the zombie film. The result...is interesting to say the least. How interesting? Find out in my review of...

Dawn of the Mummy

Our story begins with a bunch of tomb raiders (not the hot kind) breaking into an Egyptian tomb. The lone American (don't ask the film to explain this) warns them not to go in until morning. Why? Because the tomb is rigged with poison gas and that is the real 'curse of the mummies.' Of course, both of them wander in while the other man is asleep and get exactly what is coming to them. So, the horror is based solely on people being dumb-asses? That sounds about right.

*

The plot proper begins with two divergent plot-lines. On one side, you have a fresh pair of robbers working with the American. On the other, we have a group of models and a photographer driving around Egypt on a fashion shoot. When the models wander too close, one of the dumb robbers shoots at them. This, naturally, makes the models wander over to the tomb that is supposed to be robbed in secret. Yeah, wander aimlessly towards the gunfire. This is when the real stupid shit happens. The models decide that the tomb would make for a great location and the armed robbers can do nothing to stop the 98-lb women. Why?!?

*

The tomb's new visitors treat it with the dignity and respect that it truly deserves. By that, I mean they stomp all around the place and set up lighting rigs. To each his own, I suppose. After dilly-dallying about for a while, some mysterious things start to happen. The movie shows us this with random shots of coffin lids moving a little and other such exciting action. If you like women standing around and posing, inter-cut with random things happening that are unrelated, this is your movie.

*

The movie picks up about forty minutes in or so. A mummy finally rises, but does not immediately go on a rampage. Like the movie, he is not in a hurry to go anywhere or do anything. A couple of people die here and there, plus we get some more footage of some crazy, screeching lady that played a part earlier. One poor makeup girl gets mummy ooze (not what you're thinking) on her right hand and it burns her. Meanwhile, the mummy still does not do all that much, but his zombie-ish henchmen get fairly active. Do I really need to tell you how this movie ends? Have you not seen this movie six times over already?

*

This movie is fairly-entertaining...if you can be forgiving. The movie breaks no molds, save for the inclusion of a mummy into the mix. The fact that they actually shot some scenes in Egypt is a nice touch. As we learned in Manhattan Baby (a future review for sure), that is just not enough to save a movie though. When you really look into the other works by this director, you learn where to set your expectations. His other film of note: Queen Kong. That says it all, really.

*

What is a better mix than Spaniards and chainsaws? Nothing! Stay tuned...

Zombie-A-Go-Go: Zombie Lake

We should know by now not to ignore the French and their contribution to horror cinema. Back in the 70s, we had the works of Jean Rollin, the man behind The Grapes of Death and today's review. Nowadays, we have films such as Inside and Frontier(s). Did this film turn out to be a classic or is it just another brainless movie? Find out in my review of...

Zombie Lake

The film begins with a young woman wandering over to a lake and immediately disrobing. Complete, full-frontal nudity in the first 60 seconds of the movie- check. She swims around for a few moments, while the film indulges in a long series of 'up-skirt' shots...only she is not wearing a skirt. The self-indulgent porn scene ends with a crappy zombie coming up from the bottom of the...heh heh lake and kills her. More on that later.

*

We get another killing or two before a reporter comes to town. She asks the town's mayor about the mysterious events. He proceeds to give her an answer that involves twenty minutes of exposition footage. That is what I call a long answer! Basically, the town was overrun by Nazis and they killed them. Fortunately or unfortunately, love bloomed between one Nazi and one lady...which leads to another scene of female nudity. I guess there are worse ways to be redundant. They have a kid, but the guy is still dead.

*

I would be remiss without mentioning the most ridiculous scene of all...which is noteworthy in this film. A girl's volleyball team pulls up to the lake and decides to stop. Two of them strip down and hop in the lake. Of course, three naked women in the lake is not enough for Jean Rollin, so the rest of them join in. This scene is just as self-indulgent as the previous one and actually goes on longer. It also ends the same way...making it pretty pointless. Pointless nudity- check. Oh and some policemen from out of town show up. The wet, muck-covered zombies that have been dead for ten years somehow sneak up on them and kill them too. Thanks for coming to the film guys.

*

The townspeople finally decide to rise up and kill the zombies. Unfortunately, this proves to be pointless as their guns and bullets have no effect on them. Literally- they have no effect on them. Evidently, the film could not afford squibs or fake blood that doesn't pour out of the neck. Then again, the townspeople are so inept that they could just be missing the whole time. While this is happening, we get another subplot with the zombie and his daughter. He shows up and she instantly trusts him when she is shown a necklace that once belonged to her mother. He later saves her from the other zombies...after bringing her to them. Wait, what?

*

You aren't really expecting a strong finish here, are you? The girl lures the zombies to a mill with a bucket full of fresh blood. Where that comes from is anyone's guess. Oh and the reporter dies in the midst of all this for no good reason. Once in the mill, the zombies are all burned to death as the girl cries. This is all so emotional. Except for all the killing and buck naked women, that is. The End.

*

As if my screen captures (hopefully a recurring feature) does not make it clear, this movie sucks. The 'lake' is obviously a badly-covered pool when you get under the water. Would it have killed you to make the lake look blue or the water look green? Here's a thought: you could have used a green filter! Considering how crappy the writing, pacing and hap-hazard make-up work is here, that is asking too much. When you get a film called Lake of the Living Dead (the translated French title), you get exactly what is coming to you: suck.

*

Do you like zombie films but only like them set in Egypt? I have some good news for you then. Stay tuned...

Special: Happy Birthday to Me

I love how things work out sometimes. I was looking for a special themed review for this once-a-year occasion and this just popped up. As a bonus, I found it on a certain video-posting website for free, meaning that I did not have to interrupt my Queue for it. Well, enough talk. Let me get right down to my review of...

Happy Birthday to Me

The film starts off with a random girl-in-peril scene. We get some clues to her identity through some random conversation and a scarf that we will see a lot more of. In a rare scene for a slasher film, the first death takes a while. She runs, scampers and generally puts up a fight. But, faster than you can say 'how did he get in front of her,' the mysterious villain cuts her off and then cuts her down. Ha ha ha...wordplay.

*

Now we get the actual plot and the introduction to our characters. Nobody is exactly breaking the mold of teen horror cliches, unfortunately. We get the popular girls, the introverted girl, the jock, the asshole or two and the weird kid with a rat. No, it's not Ben! They hang out at a local pub congregated by jerky older men. Naturally, our heroes pick a fight with them and run away. That will show them...that you are cowards. They proceed to embark on a strange game of trying to make it across the rising bridge as it ascends. One of them wisely 'chickens out' and the other jumps in a move that destroys the front of his car. Of course, the vehicle still runs and nobody is hurt. Well, physically.

*

As we eventually learn, the introverted girl has had some history. For a long time, she did not fit in. She could get no friends to show up for her 17th birthday because a better, cooler party was taking place the same night. Her mom drives her over and tries to get her in, but to no avail. During the harsh rain, they get stuck on the ascending bridge- way to re-use sets!- and their car falls in. Her mother dies, but she- of course- lives. She has weird fugue states where she blacks out, but I'm sure that it is unrelated to the killings.

*

The film has some interesting killings, but they are not all the graphic. Plus, they are over very quickly. In a way, the film is almost a tease of a film...until the end. One guy get stabbed with a shish kabob (as on the poster) and another is crushed by his bench press...after a weight is dropped onto his groin. Talk about a painful death! Many of the other ones are a disappointment or not shown at all. All of this builds up to a pretty interesting ending actually.

*

Spoilers here. If you are a pussy or actually have not seen this movie, skip ahead.

*

In the end, our heroine gets kidnapped and ends up in a room full of corpses. All of her so-called friends are there now, along with someone that looks just like her. They struggle and the other girl's amazingly life-like mask comes off. She reveals her master plan: kill all of the teens (done) and kill her, making it appear like a murder-suicide. Our heroine wrests the knife away and stabs her. Unfortunately, her psychologist shows up after that and makes the wrong conclusion. Dun dun dun!

*

The film is pretty good. The killings are a bit lackluster when compared to a Friday the 13th or even My Bloody Valentine. It is one of those rare ones that is all about the mystery of the killer and the ending reveal. Of course, the remake is on the horizon and all of that will be changed. They will probably cast some hand-off from Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill too. Until then, enjoy this movie for what it's worth...for free.

*

Let's return to one of my favorite genres: the bad zombie film. Stay tuned...

Holiday Fun: Masters of Horror- The Washingtonians

I really liked this series. Unfortunately, as a non-Showtime viewer, I had to wait for the DVDs. This sort of ruined the 'sit in and be scared' atmosphere a bit, but the episodes were usually at least solid. I actually intend to cover my favorite 'episodes' of the show in the future. In the meantime, enjoy my holiday-themed review of...

The Washingtonians

This whole thing is done in a bit of a tongue-in-cheek manner. I say that to make sure that nobody has the wrong impression from the get-go.

*

The story begins with a young man uncovering some mysterious items amongst his grandmother's possessions after her death. One is a creepy note accredited to George Washington and the other is a fork that appears to be made out of human bone. Both items are found hidden behind a portrait of George Washington. Adding more fuel to the fire is the note being signed with 'G.W.' A family lawyer wants the items to be turned over, but our hero refuses. I'm sure nothing will come of that choice.

*

I was wrong, apparently, as a group of thugs dressed as 16th Century Americans show up at the door. They demand the letter and the fork at threat of death. They are very creepy and persistent, but turned away by the arrival of the police. All of the most dangerous killers are scared off so easily right? This inspires the man to call upon an old friend (Saul Rubinek), who seems to have most of the answers. He explains that this group is called 'The Washingtonians' and is obsessed with hiding the truth.

*

The truth consists of a hidden secret about George Washington himself. Forced into cannibalism at Valley Forge, he grew to love it and wanted to turn the country to it. Benjamin Franklin was not on-board with the idea and was killed. As such, he was killed and all of 'his' accomplishments were actually the work of several people and accredited to him to hide the truth. Knowledge comes with a price, however, as the villains return. Their friend escapes, but the family is captured. All of the previous townspeople are revealed to be part of the cult. Will our heroes escape?

*

If you really want to know, keep reading. Otherwise, skip to the synopsis.

*

The Washingtonians give a long, in-depth monologue about their way of life, accompanied by numerous shots of people eating in a disgusting manner. Before they can eat the family, their friend and a S.W.A.T. team show up. The cannibals get shot up and the letter is returned, provided that the truth come out. In the epilogue, six months have gone by and our family is vegetarian. It is then that our movie saves the biggest scare for last: our new currency!

*

This movie/episode is quite entertaining. Because of its brevity, most of the extemporaneous material often littering movies of this type. It is fun, silly and appropriately-scary when it needs to be. You get some good, solid gore in the middle as well. Some of the humor may be hit-or-miss depending on your political leaning though. I enjoyed it as much as the other big political M.o.H. episode: Homecoming. More on that gem later.

*

As Weird Al once said 'It's your birthday, it happens every year.' As such, I am bringing you a special, themed review to celebrate mine. Stay tuned...

80's Trash: Neon Maniacs

In the wake of Friday the 13th, Halloween and Munchies, there was a constant rush to make the next horror heavy(ies). We get a lot of weird films out of this 'Golden Age' such as Critters and the like. One of those films is an oft-forgotten one with a really quirky nature. It is...

Neon Maniacs

The movie starts out with a random guy being killed by the titular character. That is the mandatory 'these are dangerous people' scene. It is followed up by the introduction of all of our 'teens that are really 22.' Don't get too connected to most of them though. They pull up to a park located right near the Golden Gate bridge...which I am sure exists. A group of ghoulies are sneaking up on them. We quickly learn that all of our monsters have their own 'unique' traits. This also is the only thing that defines them in any way.

-Biker
-Indian
-Archer
-Electrocuter
-Cyclops monster
-Soldier
-Hangman
-Wolf-boy
-Axe
-Samurai
-Doc
-Knife-guy

*

After witnessing the death of all of her friends and nearly escaping, our heroine decides to...lounge around her pool in a bikini. Unfortunately, no amount of tanning will make people believe her, since no evidence or bodies were around. All that was left was a weird neon-colored juice in some puddles. We get two other leads in this part: a dorky guy who loves our heroine and a teenager that appears to be 13. The two subplots give us hinted romance and investigation, respectively.

*

The monsters really want to kill this girl though. At one point, they chase her through a subway car...which is empty for some reason. The Indian loses his arm in the fight, but it reappears later. The characters address this, but the film never answers it though. To make a long story short, the heroes learn that water kills the monsters...for some reason and prepare a trap for them. Naturally, the best trap is a concert full of potential victims armed with squirt guns. Did you read 'The Art of War' upside down or something?

*

Enough plot and killing- let's have some bad 80s music. Yeah, the movie mostly stops the narrative for three different songs. The most we get is a couple shots of people/Maniacs walking around the school. You want action? You wait until the movie is done, mister! Eventually, we do get some and it is pretty good. We get the soldier randomly running out of bullet and Doc doing his one scene. If you watch the trailer, you see about 80% of the deaths, so you may want to avoid it. The monsters flee and the police pursue them...only to find nothing. The heroes ride off...but one monster is still alive and kills the policemen. The End. Wait, no! If he killed the guy five minutes after they left, wouldn't they just come back in and look again? Nice try, movie!

*

This movie is good in a cheesy sort of way. If you want good horror, you should know better than to rent Neon Maniacs. The pacing is not bad- even with the songs and the 'lounging in the bikini' bits- and the action is satisfying. The acting is...well, its on par with what you would expect. In spite of the amount of monsters they put in there, this movie just did not take off. Wait a couple months before someone buys up the rights though.

*

How do I celebrate the 4th of July? With the founding fathers...and cannibalism. Stay tuned...

Kaiju Small Battle: The Guyver 2

After such a strange, random film like The Guyver, how do you follow it up? Can you match its sheer weirdness or silly nature? How can you top a cast of villains that includes Michael Berryman, David Gale and Jeffrey Combs? The simple answer is that you don't. Instead, you try to turn the movie into a dark, character-driven action movie. Does this change work? Find out in my review of...

Guyver: Dark Hero

The movie starts off strong with another introductory monologue explaining the events of the first movie. They immediately misspell the name of the evil corporation as Kronos, figuring that nobody ever read the company's sign in that movie. The gist of this is that The Guyver unit is still in our hero, but he has no aliens to fight. What is a boy to do?

*

This question is answered quickly as a bunch of criminals break into an industrial factory to steal...something. Our hero shows up and kicks lots of ass. He also kills the men, a point for later in the movie. Unfortunately, he fails to save the poor security guards. Neither of those facts go over with his girlfriend from The Guyver (played by someone else in this stupid cameo) and he leaves to go find secrets from a cave. All of this because he watches an 'Inside Edition' rip-off.

*

By the way, our hero is played by David Hayter, most notable as the voice of Solid Snake in all of the games. He is also a screenwriter, having written the majority of X-Men and a famous draft of Watchmen. It's hard to see why he moved behind the camera after a film like this.

*

After being let into the site by a trusting young lady, he discovers clues to the suit and the history of the Guyvers. Of course, we don't get the real story for another hour or so though. Instead, we get tentative romance, Hayter being vague and, oh yeah, some monsters show up. It is in these scenes that we notice a dramatic jump in the fight choreography quality. The original tended to just have people fall and flail about, while Guyver 2 has our hero back-flip up a tree, leap down and dragon kick a werewolf. You know what, that should be enough to sell you on the film on its own.

*

The plot gets kind of complicated and murky around the one hour mark or so. The people leading the excavation are remnants of the (Ch)Kronos Corporation and led by a man who looks like David Gale on a monitor. Incidentally, David Gale's character died in the original and Gale himself died in real life that same year. So, who is this guy supposed to be? We never really find out, but we do find a spaceship. We get some weird back-story on the Guyvers themselves, though it is still murky. Stick with the film through this part for the roughly 20 minutes or so of fighting at the end. The reveals are a little weird, but we get super Guyver Zoanoid, so who cares?!? The ending is open, but nothing has come of the series in the last 14 years. I give it a month before remake rumors pop up though.

*

This movie is good, but definitely a change of pace. You have to realize that the film tries to be much more serious than the original and is a bit darker (thank you, title). The action scenes are great enough to distract you from the minimalist acting and re-use of locations. The movie is longer as well (127 minutes) and does occasionally stutter with its pacing. You may also notice plot holes at times(like how the alien guy has a normal, human kid). Overall, it is a more faithful adaptation of some manga/anime that I have never read/seen. According to Wikipedia, the film was made for less than $1,000,000 dollars as well. That is a pretty good testament to low(er) budget cinema.

*

I just cannot escape 80s creature features. Considering how this movie turned out, it is a gypsy curse. Stay tuned...

Edit: Sorry about the delay on this one. Something was acting that morning and the thing did not post when I hit the button. I only realized that later.

A Couple Notes

For those who don't know me personally, I thought that you should know that my birthday comes up this Sunday. As such, I have a special review lined up to commemorate this momentous occasion. Add this to my July 4th review and you have a good weekend.

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There are a couple movies that are actually quite good that I have seen. As such, I almost feel bad reviewing them on my page. Currently, those films include Demons, Demons 2 and Dead & Buried. Demons 3 is a whole different story though. I will probably cover them at some point, but not for a while.

*

Lastly, I am going to attempt to get some feedback. This site is pretty new and, as such, is still a little experimental. Considering how different my posts look now from how they looked in March makes that evident. As part of this, I want to know if you want solely film reviews or some more things like cartoons/British shows as well. I have some good ones lined up like...

*The Short History of Jim Carrey Cartoons (Sad but true)
*Sam & Max (What a way to make weird kids!)
*Worzel Gummidge (Dr. Who as a scarecrow)
*Math Patrol (A Canadian show that is...curious)
*The Freedom Force (You won't believe this one)
*Blackstar (An odd mish-mash of cliches)

That's all for now. Guyver: Dark Hero is tomorrow and a quirky 80s film is up for Friday. Stay tuned...

Kaiju Small Battle: The Guyver

The 80s and 90s were weird times for cinema. Everyone and their mother was in love with rubber and Styrofoam suits. Not all of them were that great (see Friday's review), but most of them were entertaining. The catch is that they have to be played a bit ironically. Does today's film handle it right? Find out in my review of...

The Guyver

The movie begins with a silly prologue explaining that aliens named Zoanoids established Earth as a human colony. Suck on that, Christians! It also states that they made a mysterious device called The Guyver that can turn humans into weapons. So, why did you make that? We actually get the answer...in the sequel.

*

In the present, a Japanese scientist has stolen the device and hides it. He is confronted by three henchmen- one of whom is Jimmy 'J.J.' Walker- in river basin. The leader comes out and- Holy Crap- it is Michael Berryman from The Hills Have Eyes (the original). The mild-mannered scientist transforms into a weird lizard-fish mutant (Of Course!), so Berryman does as well. They fight, but it is pretty one-sided. The scientist dies and turns into a skeleton instantaneously. All of this happens in the first five minutes of the movie by the way.

*

We are introduced to our hero, a chump that takes Akido. His lady pal shows up, but is side-tracked by a mustachioed Mark Hamill. She is told that her dad died after reporting to the FBI about the Chronos Corporation. Just to note: the actress is Chinese. Anyhow, she gives us some exposition about how her dad was a scientist at the company. Our hero, being a complete dumb-ass, thinks that Hamill is a potential threat to his manhood. This is the guy from Laserhawk that we are talking about! Get used to our hero's dumb mindset though.

*

The movie is really weird in tone and style. Basically, all of the villains are Zoanoids and turn into monsters. Most of the time, they do it off-camera as they pass objects such as lightpoles. Who do they think they are- Superman? All of the monster suits are really weird and tend to be mixes of animal traits. One of them appears to be part-werewolf, part-Gremlin and part-caveman from Deathstalker. Plus, the idea that Berryman turns into something uglier than himself is mind-boggling. The fights often resemble deleted scenes from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers...only good.

*

This film continues to get weirder as it goes on. The third act involves a battle at the Corporation headquarters. All of the scientists turn into monsters and fight with the young woman over the possession of The Guyver unit. One of the scientists is played by Jeffrey Combs and he turns into a furry pinhead. The head of the company is played by David Gale, giving us a minor Re-Animator reunion. The Guyver pops out of Combs' chest and battles the villains. After dispatching them all, he goes mano-a-mano with the C.E.O. Unfortunately for our hero has to battle him after he turns into a giant alien-dragon-dinosaur thing. He pulls out a victory though, saving all of humanity...until the sequel. You can't win em all, buddy.

*

Is this movie good? No. It's ridiculous, silly and random in tone. Is this movie really fun to watch? Ab-so-frigging-lutely! You have the 'Dynomite' guy turn into a fish/Predator monster and fighting a guy that makes Hakaider look big-budget (more on that movie later). It also has one of my new favorite lines of cinema- "I'll make you slap yourself into oblivion!" Classic. The thing to understand is that this movie does not take itself 100% serious and does well in that regard. They walk that fine line of being silly and being too self-referential, a line that Troma constantly trips over.

*

If you liked The Guyver, but thought that it needed more video game spies, you are in luck. Stay tuned...

Undead Pantheon: Evil

Every country needs their own zombie film. Italy has dozens (Zombi 2-5), England has a couple (28 Days Later) and even France has one (The Grapes of Death). Hell, even Australia has one (The Undead). So what happens when the great island nation of Greece made one? Find out in my review of...

To Kako (a.k.a. Evil)

The movie begins with a bunch of people in a cave digging up rocks. Faster than you can say 'let's rip-off Evil Dead II,' a P.O.V. force flies at one of the men. We cut to the man in a crowded soccer...I mean, futbol stadium. The evil power overtakes him and he bites a nearby man. A zombie plague breaks out very quickly and all hell breaks loose.

*

The movie basically sets up a bunch of random characters that will eventually meet up and fight zombies together. The problem is that almost none of them have what you would call 'personalities' or are 'likable.' We get a cab driver, a young woman and a soldier, amongst others. They start off strong by having the men leering at the lead young woman. Thanks, movie.

*

I have to point out the disparagement when it comes to the cover art of the DVD for a moment. The zombies look nowhere near as cool. Why would you do that to us, movie? I can almost forgive bad, but I can't forgive 'dishonest.' Back to the film...

*

The film has an odd habit of introducing some ideas and not really following up on them. One female lead is obsessed with getting home to save her little brother from her zombie dad. They risk life and limb to get there and...the film cuts to another location. We don't even get a good 'I'm sorry it was too late' speech. We also get a subplot involving another female lead's foot fetish. Say it with me- ewww. After surviving many attacks, she dies as a zombie licks her foot before eating it. That's lovely, movie.

*

The good stuff: this movie has some really cheesy gore effects. We get lots of splatter (the film clearly wants to be Bad Taste) and silliness. The ridiculous moment where they all stop to kung-fu fight the zombies is great. The high point is the guy punching through a zombie's chest and shaking a buddy's hand on the other side of the torso. Sadly, this is the only scene like this in the movie. After being so bad-ass, the guys go down so easy. Who can I forget the guy who gets gutted by a pole after being lightly shoved into it. Lame.

*

I won't spoil the ending to this movie. It is sort of moot, since the sequel is going to pick up right where this ends. At least, that is what the trailer tells us. Hopefully, the trailer is more trust-worthy than the DVD cover.

*

This movie is a big, steaming pile of 'Eh.' I really wanted to like this movie, but it tried so hard to dissuade me. Compared to other zombie movies, this is a sad attempt to get attention- even more so than Zombi 4. I hope that more can be done with the storyline in the sequel and, to be fair, it does look more ambitious. Maybe you guys should just stick to what you do best: being the inspiration for 6,000 bad sword-and-sandal films. Where would Steve Reeves be without you? It's not like he turned down the lead in Dr. No to be in one of those movies. Oh right, he did.

*

Let's jump back to aliens again. I hear there's a new guy out there to fight them. Sounds good. Stay tuned...

You Have Not Made This Movie...Why?

This book has been supposed to be a film nearly ten years ago. The book was bought in 1997 and has been 'in development' ever since. We dodged a bullet by Jan de Bont not being able to do it. Seriously though, why have you not made this movie?

Maybe one day we will get the majesty of this story on film. Until then, we must make due with Jaws 1-4, Shark Attack 1-3, Tintorera: Killer Shark, Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Sharks in Venice, Cruel Jaws (aka Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws), Deep Blue Sea, Open Water 1-2, Shark Hunter, Spring Break Shark Attack, Shark Swarm, Shark Attack in the Mediterranean, Megalodon, and Red Water.

Will this scene ever happen? Only time- and some millionaire producer- will tell. Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Rats

Bruno Mattei was not a good director. Up until his death in 2007, he was directing crap film after crap film. His last film is the classic Zombie: The Beginning. But, before he directed films like that and skin flicks for Italy, he made a classic film alongside his buddy Claudio Fragrasso. It dared to rip off two different genres at once in a hilarious mess of a film. Behold the glory and splendor of...

Rats: Night of Terror

There is no correlation between this and Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror. That is probably obvious, but still bears mentioning. Plus, I want to plug this review again for the Final Girl site. That is all.

*

The movie begins with a long prologue explaining the backstory of the film. In 2015, the world was nearly destroyed by nuclear war. I guess five years after we make contact, two years after a giant flood, but three years before the world is overrun by terminators, all hell broke loose. People fled underground for hundreds of years and eventually started to come out again. Our heroes are a bunch of bikers who do just that. They find a house that is perfect: food, supplies and absolutely no people around. What could possibly go wrong?

*

They quickly discover a few dead bodies and the constant presence of rats. Well, it's not like there is any correlation between scavengers being around a place full of corpses. Much like Frogs, the film is obsessed with constantly showing shots of the animals wandering around. It is not really scary or effective in any way. We learn that many experiements were being done here, but we won't find out what until later. In the meantime, we get a scene of two people having sex in a sleeping bag and being mocked by their friends when they get stuck. This feels like stupid padding, but is actually really bad foreshadowing. You see, the lady gets stuck in it later as a rat his way from 'lady hole' to mouth. Ow.

*

Our 'heroes' figure out that something is up...eventually. In the meantime, they wander around the place and get picked off for a while. One guy even gets killed by a pile of falling rats. No, really. The rat leader, meanwhile, is a more interesting character. Like the leader from Frogs (the comparisons are just that easy to make), he does nothing save for look away from camera. He is a half-white, half-black rat though. Fortunately for our heroes, they find a flamethrower, the solution to all of life's problems. Somehow, the people still managed to get killed. We get the 'he's alive- let's just turn him around and OH NO, he's dead' shot about three times here as well. That really only works once, Bruo. Of course, most of them would have lived if they could have stopped bickering for five damn seconds.

*

I will spoil the *shock* ending here. If you want to be surprised, skip to the end.

*

Only two people make it, one of them, strangely enough, is the only black actor. Suck on that, the one cliche not used here! We keep getting cuts of mysterious men in Hazmat suits walking around and killing the rats in the surrounding area. This is also preceded by some weird recording of experiments on rats being discussed. Finally, our heroes are rescued. But their rescuers are mute- why? One of them pulls off this gas mask to reveal...a giant rat face! Rat people have taken over the Earth! Aargh! The End.

*

This movie is freaking ridiculous. Much like Hell of the Living Dead (how have I not done that yet?), it is stupid, amateurish and badly-written. Also like that film, it is pretty damn entertaining in an ironic way. One of my favorite effects is the rat 'swarm' that is clearly rat dolls placed on a moving track. It looks like either the candy dots on wax paper or ducks in a shooting gallery- take your pick. The downside is that the characters are almost all unlikeable. Then again, they all die- most violently- so it's a trade-off. If you like good horror, stay away. Lovers of ridiculous crap should be happy here.

*

In honor of a new reader, I bring you the best Greek zombie film ever! Also, the only one (so far). Stay tuned...

Zombie-A-Go-Go: Zombi 4

I always laugh a little when talking about the Zombi 'series.' In no way are any of the films connected. They have different stars, directors (since Fulci deserted Zombi 3) and no common plot threads. Even bad series' like Critters and the later Halloween films had continuity of some sort. These random films about different kinds of zombies in different locales are still interesting though. While they don't always (or seemingly-ever) make sense, the stories are unique enough to get your attention. Does this still hold true? Find out in my review of...

Zombi 4: After Death

I just want to take a moment to comment on how stupid that title is. Of course, the movie itself merely says 'After Death,' implying pretty directly that the 'Zombi 4' part of it was added later. Big surprise.

*

The plot starts off strange and never looks back. An introductory monologue explains that a group of scientists formed an island community centered around the idea of curing all diseases. How do we end up with zombies? Find out. A Ruben-esque voodoo priest is summoning up some evil power, while a bunch of white people run to stop him. They show up armed, but he is not worried. He explains that their failure to save his son has driven him to revenge. You, sir, are no Doctor Phibes. One of the men finally snaps and fills the guy full of Uzi bullets, but it is too late. A zombie lady (who looks like the lady vampire from Blacula) leaps out of the mystical hole Mortal Kombat-style and attacks. Start running!

*

Basically, a bunch of them run around and get killed every time that they stop for no reason. One little girl escapes and is given a necklace so that when see her in the present, we know who she is. She arrives on the island as an adult with a bunch of mercenaries on vacation. Why they are together is very vague. As vague as the 'magical pull' that forces their boat there. They wander around until one of them is attacked. Despite his combat training, he barely fends off the hooded zombie and gets bitten. Naturally, after all of this, they wander into a house and look around.

*

We get a second set of protagonists, though their longevity is minimal. Basically, they wander into a cave and decide to read the Book of the Dead. No, not that one. The scientist who insisted on doing it is torn apart, as is the girl who told them not to- fair enough, movie. One guy escapes...somehow and runs off. Just to note, this guy is played by an infamous gay porn star. According to an interview with the director, he had no clue at the time. Oops.

*

This gets pretty formulaic from here-on out for the most part. They stand around until someone gets converted into a zombie and bites them. Meanwhile, the house gets surrounded by hooded zombies, but a mass of bullets slows them down. We get a side-aspect of some candles being set up that stop the zombie horde...but not the ones inside. This keeps being blown out, feeling almost like a comedy of errors. Our heroes still die in obvious ways, but one unique thing happens. Zombie with guns! All of you people who are in love with Land of the Dead's 'zombie uses gun' scene can suck it! Of course, this film does not have Asia Argento shooting zombies, so it is still inferior. This movie also ends in a really strange way that I will not even attempt to explain.

*

Is this movie good? Do you really have to ask? It is called Zombie 4: After Death! The real question is this: is it entertaining? Oddly, yes. In spite of itself, the movie is fun to laugh at and pretty well-paced. Because they barely stop to explain the plot, the film moves pretty briskly. Should it take time to explain things? Yeah, that would be nice. Logic goes out the window the second you hear that ridiculous pop song in the opening credits though. If you can accept that this movie is really dumb and makes no sense, you may have a little fun. You have zombies with machine guns- what else do you need?

*

What is worse than killer zombies? Super-intelligent rats...in the future! Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Welcome to Spring Break

After that complete non sequitur, you guys probably want a more normal film review. Well, I'll give you one, although the film is anything but normal. Like many films of this time, it was an Italian co-production. Basically, they did everything, but cast a bunch of Americans in it and set it in the United States. Ha ha ha...compromise. This film, sadly, made barely a blip on the radar and has only been resurrected on DVD. So, was it worth the use of a Biblical jargon? Find out in my review of...

Welcome to Spring Break

The film begins with a man being led to the electric chair. Ah, this must be a comedy. No, in reality, the man is a biker gang leader that was found guilty of murdering a young lady's sister. He swears that he is innocent and that he will get revenge for this. Those seem to be in contrast, don't they? Thankfully, they spare us his actual death at the chair's...um, hands. Unfortunately, it cuts right to really bad 80s music. Why are we being punished with him?!?

*

We are introduced to the setting: Hollywood, Florida. Actually, they never say, other than a bench sign. Just to note, the police cars say Manatee County on them, which is...let's just say that the two places are not even close together. The sheriff (John Saxon of...lots of shit), police commissioner and the local priest are worried about Spring Break happening right after an execution. Eh, we're used to it down here. Oh and the gang he was in charge of is still in town. I'm sure they will not cause trouble. Later that night, a hitchhiker is killed by a mysterious biker. Apparently, he has a giant Die Hard battery on the back of it. Note that this is the only comparison between this film and Die Hard.

*

More teens go down, but, in the meantime, let's meet the cast first. Our lead is a College football player who made a bad play at a big game. His buddy wants to help him get drunk and forget it, while also looking to get laid...a lot. He has more condoms than Neo had guns in the lobby scene from The Matrix. They run into a surly bar maiden who makes our annoying friend all hot and bothered. What's her problem? It's not like she's surrounded by drunken men AND her sister was murdered. Oh, those things are both true? Sucks to be her. We also get about six or seven other subplots, including a young woman who just up and decides to become a hooker to keep her room and a jerk who keeps faking his death. Yeah, that happens all the time.

*

The killings are, in a word, ridiculous. A few times the killer 'tricks' people into touching the jumpers on the back of his bike, which of course, do not effect his motort at all. One girl is actually knocked out, tied up with chains and killed with fire from a furnace. By turning it up to full, it apparently can shoot out four feet and turn the girl into a melting dummy. But who is this mysterious killer? Is it the undead biker? It is the mysterious and overly-grizzled cop? Is it the preacher who has almost no role, but keeps showing up? This mystery is more look an episode of Scooby-Doo than an Agatha Christie novel.

*

This movie is pretty damn stupid. It is directed by Umberto Lenzi (credited under a very fake American name), the man known for directed such gory films as Eaten Alive and Cannibal Ferox. This is not like those movies. The funny part is that you can see where the Italian influence comes in. As soon as the killer shows up, the Claudio Simonetti score kicks in, directly in contrast with the cheesy crap that fills the rest of it. The movie is fun and silly enough to laugh at. The creepiest part comes when the two leads end up discovering BDSM gear in John Saxon's house. Eww. You can do worse with movies of this same caliber- the Black Cobra series for one. There are four of those damn things!

*

You want more Zombi reviews? Really? If you insist. Stay tuned...

Absurdity for Kids: The Mighty Ducks

Disney loves money. They love it so much that they pimp out every single one of their properties out more than a black man in a 70s film. Nearly every major Disney film has had either a direct-to-video sequel, a television spin-off or both. Some of them- like Hercules and Aladdin- actually turned out pretty good and were faithful to the source material. Then there was this one...

The Mighty Ducks

For those of you who did not grow up under this reign of Disney material- highlighted by numerous live-action tripe- I will give a history lesson. The Mighty Ducks was about a selfish young man who had to teach kids to play hockey as part of community service. In the two ensuing sequels, they went as far as becoming Olympians (no, really). Eventually, one of them grew up to be on Fringe, while the Coach went on to marry a pre-crazy Paula Abdul. The name became popular enough to be turned into a real hockey team.

*

Of course, none of this prepares you for the show.

*

Instead, the show is about a team of anthropomorphic ducks from another planet who go to Earth to stop other evil ducks. Their group just happens to be called 'The Mighty Ducks' and they wear armor that resembles hockey pads. Okay, I have to ask- how the hell did this come about? Who said 'Let's name it after the film about real kids become athletes, but make it about freaking duck aliens'? What the hell?!?

*

The show is pretty straight-forward and really does not break the mold. You have the smart guy (Wildwing), the big, dumb guy (Grin), the cocky guy (Nosedive), the smart girl (Tanya) and the one who is crazy, yet never does anything threatening (Duke). The villains are pretty stock, but not embarrassingly-so. In summary, the show is non-threatening, sort of fun and pretty passable. Besides, any show that gets Tim Curry to play the villain is alright in my book.

*

Let's take another trip to the 80s to enjoy a week of drinking, partying and...Italians? Stay tuned...

Alien(s) Ant Farm: Xtro III

It is almost bittersweet to finish up this series. We have reached the end- there is no more. What will we do without bad 80s alien movies to talk about? What's that? There are two Guyver films. Well...it's a start. In the meantime, let's finish up this bunch of stinkers with my review of...

Xtro III: Watch The Skies

The film begins curiously enough with a trip to the past- the 1950s, to be exact. We get bad attempts at faking archival footage via overdone film scratches and use of black and white film. I'm totally convinced, movie! We get a kid talking about a UFO crash video he has, only for him to recant it in front of military personnel. So, in summary, if you have never ever heard of alien crash conspiracies, the movie wants to fill you in.

*

The story jumps ahead to the present day...of 1995. A group of soldiers are hanging out in a bar and drinking. Is there not a war going on or anything, guys? Their bickering is interrupted...eventually. A major shows up and recruits them for a mission to a mysterious island. En route, we get *sigh* more bickering and 'character-building.' Give us a damn alien already!

*

We get a bit more build-up on the group and the island itself before anything interesting happens. Finally, the alien shows up. He...looks pretty good at times, but pretty half-assed at others. In other words, it looks good until it moves. It has a couple interesting quirks to it. First off, it blatantly uses the 'Predator' effect. Secondly, it likes to put people up in giant webs. Um...why? A couple of them get killed, in spite of the warning by the crazy guy who lives on the island.

*

The answer for the alien's rage is made clear via some more 'old' footage. We get a long and detailed scene of a captured alien having little baby aliens taken out of him/her. They look way too much like Cabbage Patch Kids though, to be honest. More killing and bad effects take place. Eventually, military boss guy shows up and more killings take place. This gives us two bad effects shots. First, the guy is 'thrown' across the room and hits a wall. Not only does the stone wall bounce on impact, the wires are visible. Later, when the alien 'pops up' and kills the guy with his tongue, all drama is killed. Why? We can see clearly that the alien is just a bust with two cables sticking into him (one of them blue) to create the 'tongue attack.' Really, movie? Nearly everyone dies, the alien flees and nobody believes the survivor. Oddly, the film plays this up as a happy ending. Hurray?

*

This movie is pretty dumb. On the plus side, it has neither mutant clowns or Jan-Michael Vincent. It is still bad though. The movie takes a bit to really get going, but is sort of fun when it does. The effects range from stupid to amusing. The alien occasionally looks good, although people like me can distinguish real blinking from 'puppet blinking.' Less jaded people may actually be able to deal with the stupidity and forgive this movie for its ambitiousness. Do I think that Xtro 3 is redeemable though? No.

*

How do you turn a popular kid's movie into a show? This is how not to do it. Stay tuned...

Absurdity for Kids: Pom Poko

Disney has a long history of buying up other films to buffer their own catalog. Sometimes it works out great- the series of Miyazaki films such as Spirited Away, etc. Of course, they have also stolen movies- such as The Lion King. Amongst all of these works, one film was released here and, let's just say it got a little attention for its content. Is the film as bad as they say or is it much ado about nothing? Find out in my review of...

Pom Poko

I honestly was not that bothered by the movie, even going into the movie looking for the 'controversial stuff.' Of course, I sat through Cannibal Holocaust, so not much fazes me. You may be different.

*

The movie is about a clan of Tanuki. For those of you who don't know, Tanuki are an integral part of Japanese culture. They are shape-shifting animals that resemble raccoons. For all of those idiots who go 'How come Raccoon Cap Mario turns into a statue' can all go to hell. It's not a Raccoon Cap! Other than that nerdy aside, this is important plot information.

*

The plot spans many seasons but has one integral theme: humans are assholes. The humans are constantly trying to build houses over the creatures' land. The beasts, naturally, have only one option: mess with the humans. They either wreck their equipment, scare them or allow them to die in accidents. This just feels like a kid's film, huh?

*

Here is the big controversy about the movie: the Tanuki have visible balls. There- I said it. Much like naked Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen, it is not accentuated for effect or highlighted at all. Well, there is the scene where one of them turns their balls into a bridge. First off, ow! Second, major ow! For all of you that may get bothered by this, I choose to let this ancient artwork speak for me.*

The movie gets pretty weird. The Tanuki spend lots of time integrating with humans, drinking energy drinks to deal with the physical strain of it. At one point, they try to scare the humans away with a giant show of transformation. This comes in the form of a parade of giant creatures. Somehow, a giant parade of floats tends to please the humans instead. Ah well, at least dozens of you did not die because of this plan. Oh, you did? Well, good job.

*

This movie is just plain odd. Not everything translates well into English from Japanese. Of course, that goes the other way as well. I don't think that they really get Rambo or Die Hard. People trapped in a building? That's daily life for them. Is this a good movie for kids? Well, maybe for older ones who want to see something unique. The story is a bit lazily paced and in love with the setting for most kids, I think. Now, if the kid likes Watership Down, that may be another story.

*

You want to know how the alien saga ends? You're sad, but I'll appease you. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

What happens to a movie that is stuck in the middle? Sometimes, it becomes a catalyst a la Aliens or Bride of Frankenstein. Other times, they disappear completely like Beware! The Blob or The Hills Have Eyes, Part II. In this case, today's movie is the only real sequel in the entire series. Somehow, it has become completely lost amongst the seas of remakes and re-imaginings. Is there a reason why? Find out in my review of...

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II

The film begins with a bit of narration that is definitely not by John Laroquette. Basically, it says that the cops came to the house after the girl escaped, but found nothing. The crime went unsolved and un-filed for many years. Apparently though, the people have popped up every once in a while and this is one of those times. Wow, that sure is convenient.

*

They set up the location as Dallas during the big week before a game. So, basically, the town is full of drunken idiots. Get ready for some killing! Our first one takes place with a pair of idiotic drunks who are driving around and calling a radio show. Evidently, the station has no way to hang up on them, which is important for later. A mysterious car catches up to them and attacks them. The buzz of a chainsaw cutting their hood sobers up the young men quickly. They shoot at one of the men...only to find that it was a trick. It's...confusing. Here is the summary: they die.

*

The police show up in the morning and investigate the scene. An out-of-town sheriff shows up as well and we quickly learn that his daughter is the one who survived the first movie. The local cops don't like the fact that he wants to 'kill the buzz' and say that there is 'severe danger in the area.' Meanwhile, the radio host has kept the tape of the killing and decides to play it on the air. The narrative takes the time to show us a local chili contest in the same hotel that the sheriff is staying in. I wonder if this aside has anything to do with the overall story?

*

We don't have to wait long to find out the answer. The winner takes a call on his giant '80s car phone and goes back to town. He sicks Leatherface and a freaky guy named Chop-Top to kill her. As the host runs away, the only other worker at the station shows up and gets beaten down. This is where we get the first problem with the movie: many scenes just run too long. Given the alleged level of content-cutting related to this movie, maybe this was done for padding. Whatever the reason, we don't need five minutes of the woman screaming as the door is eventually cut apart.

*

The movie gets really weird from here on out. Leatherface gets a hard-on for the host, Dennis Hopper buys some chainsaws and the host's buddy gets cut up. The girl gets captured and forced to wear her friend's face. Gee, where did you get that idea from, Rob Zombie? She escapes, but gets caught again. Thanks, movie. 'Stretch' spends some time at the family dinner table with grandpa and the clan. Oddly, she is not happy. Meanwhile, Hopper is running around and cutting all the support beams to the tunnel they are in. Apparently, you can cut down 90% of them with no adverse effect. I won't spoil the ending for you, save for saying that it is oddly inconclusive. It is not badly done, just sort of sudden and vague.

*

Is the movie good? Well, yes and no. If you like completely oddball films with no semblance of sanity, this is your movie. However, the tone is a bit erratic, jumping from fear to fright to fear again. This is one of the more subtler examples of 'The Evil Dead' effect that overtook cinema in the late 1980s. That brings up another problem with the movie: it is too late. By the time this movie came out, the original had been all but forgotten. The advent of the Laser Disc and DVD markets brought it back, but they came after this movie. Of course, nothing tops Blood Feast 2, which came out nearly 40 years after the first one. Way to get to work, H.G. Lewis.

*

Want to psychologically-torture your kids? Here are some more options. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Beware! The Blob

This film nearly got reviewed a while back as part of the 'Good Sons' series of forgotten sequels (alongside Son of Kong, etc.) Here's the thing though: the real title is not Son of Blob. Despite its popularity under that title- thanks to Grandpa Al's Midnight Movies- the title is actually the one you will see above and below. This film was made by Larry Hagman (of Dallas fame) in 1972, putting it almost evenly between 1958's The Blob and 1988's The Blob. It has been overshadowed by them for too long. Read my review of...

That title really grabs you, doesn't it? I just wanted to say that.

The film begins with- I swear to God- an opening credit sequence overlaid with a kitten running through a field. It is so adorably out-of-place. The film proper begins with an oil pipeline worker returning home from Alaska with a sample of the titular monster. Not understanding how the Alaskan snow is colder than his refrigerator, the man allows the beast to get free. Good call.

The plot of this movie is disjointed, to say the least. Once the original trio are killed, the monster ambles around town, running into residents. They include...

-A group of bums, one of whom is Burgess Meredith.
-A boy scout troupe lead by Dick Van Patten.
-A barber and a hippie client (don't ask).
-A farm full of chickens.
-A Shriner in his bathtub.

The movie climaxes with the monster attacking a roller skating rink. Well, this is 1972. The cops and our two heroes are perplexed with how to stop the monster. Fortunately, they discover a way to turn on the rink's freezing mechanism. Of course! This is only possible after the male lead swings across the ceiling on a rope to build up tension. Finally, the monster goes down. The celebration is cut short as some of it heats up. The End?

This movie is stupid and silly. There- I said it. One Netflix reviewer described it as a series of 'black-out plays' from the Upright Citizen's Brigade. Basically, a scene is set up, takes place for a couple of minutes and the monster shows up, causing the film to fade to black. The movie is purely good for camp value, as opposed to the quality of the original or the gore factor of the remake. It is a bit more understandable how it has become so forgotten now, isn't it? The best it got was a re-release in 1982 after the 'Who Shot JR' story became huge and a 2000 DVD release. That seems fair, right?

How can everyone know a series' remakes and not its actual sequels? Find out here. Stay tuned...

Pornedy: Flesh Gordon II

Expectations are still a dangerous thing. Even when set low, they can take you down like a well-trained UFC fighter on crack. Such was the case with today's review. While the original was not without its own sort of charm, it was not a 'good' movie. So I was not expecting much with the sequel that was crapped out over ten years later. Boy, I should have aimed a little lower still. Find out how low in my review of...

Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders

I will preface the review by stating that the little I could stand had lots of nudity. If, for some reason, that offends you, look elsewhere immediately. Everyone else will get there soon enough.

*

The film begins promisingly enough with Flesh and two buxom ladies on a ship. They are attacked by a stop-motion alien. The fight goes very quickly and manages to work in some nudity. It is as superfluous as the intricate stitching on a bustier. Yeah, it's there, but who is really paying attention to that aspect? It stops to reveal that this is a set. Yeah, Flesh is apparently a movie star...in a different movie inside this movie. That is way too complex for a movie like this. Tone it down, guys. That's better.

*

The film truly begins when Flesh is knocked out and kidnapped by three busty woman in super tiny cheerleader's outfits. They fly off in a ship with the words 'Let's Screw' on the side. Real classy, movie. Of course, you've already seen the giant monkey that pees off of a building, so it's all downhill from here. Dr. Jerkoff (that's still stupid) and Dale fly off to rescue him in their ship. Incidentally, Dale's ship looks like a pair of breasts, while Flesh's ship is still a giant dick. I just thought that you should know that.

*

Dale and Doctor I'm-not-going-to-say-it try to catch up, but get caught in an ass-teroid belt. No, I did not misspell that. Our heroes must- I kid you not- get past the farting rocks or die in a massive explosion. As much as this pains me to write, the pair must fire a series of plugs and fly away. I'd say that this kills any dignity I had left, but I've already seen the first Flesh Gordon movie. They escape and go to catch Flesh.

*

I'll spare you most of the plot and give you a synopsis.
-An evil villain used a ray gun to make the men on the Cheerleaders' planet impotent.
-They want to harness Flesh's virility (did the star write this script?) to save their planet.
-The villain and his fat, fat wife try to stop them.
-Somewhere during this, we get turd monsters (what is this- Dogma?).

*

You know what? If this movie does not care, then I don't. I will freely admit that I fell asleep watching this movie and chose to just accept fate's wishes. Do yourself a favor and watch something less terrible. How about Meatballs 2? That at least has a less crappy alien in it. It's still not good though.

*

Have you forgotten about more sequels? I sure haven't and you won't either. It's going to get sticky though. Stay tuned...

A Rare Find: Superman III

They say that thrift stores are for poor people and those that like plaid jackets. Well, that is somewhat true. In spite of that, I present you with one of the rare treasures that they hide.Just drink in the beauty of it. The novelization of the film that helped bring down a juggernaut franchise. Is it better than the film? Only time and my morbid curiosity will tell.

And yes, I did pay $1.50 for that. My dignity has no price!

Actual update to come soon. Stay tuned...

Bi-Polar Cinema: Invisible Target

Those of us in America may not be aware that cop movies have become very popular in the Asian market in the last several years. Every country gets one (Italy's famous for its one in the 70s featuring Franco Nero) and China has been under the spell. This also relates to the major success of New Police Story. Benny Chan directed this new film featuring Nicholas Tse (Jackie's young partner) and Jackie's son Jaycee. How does it fare? Find out in my review of...

Invisible Target

The film's narrative is a curious one, setting up three disparate characters who are all wronged by the same group. It is not a setup you see that often in American cinema.

*

Our first hero is a police officer who loses someone close to him. A heavily-armed group calling themselves the 'Ronin Gang'- no date for their love of car chases- attacks an armored car carrying $100 million dollars. Hey guys, maybe you should split up the deliveries a bit! I guess it's not as bad as England mixing all of their gold together into one giant bar and delivering it by train in Danger: Diabolik. Anyhow, in the ensuing fight, the nearby jewelry store is blown up, killing the policeman's fiancee. This sure isn't funny so far.

*

Our next hero is angered by a second attack by the same gang. Evidently, the $100 million went pretty quick. They have another shoot-out, leading to the death of numerous detectives. Rather than resorting to months of drinking, the squad leader also vows revenge. Around the same time, a rookie cop is suspended. Why? His brother is supposed to be undercover in a gang, but has not reported back in months. Which gang? The Ronin Gang. He too vows revenge! Ven-detta!

*

The Ronin gang comes back to town...because we would not have a movie without it. A couple of our heroes confront them and try to take them down. To say that it does not go according to plan would be to say that Waterloo was a bit one-sided. The lead villain demonstrates an amazing bit of wire-fu and actually catches a bullet. He beats up one of our heroes and makes him swallow it. Damn! The film follows up this awesome scene with...

*

...him in the hospital undergoing painful rehabilitation. Dammit movie! You were almost fun.

*

I will not spoil the ending to the movie since it is so recent (2007). It ends with roughly a twenty minute fight scene involving the three lead villains and the three lead heroes. There is lot of broken glass, bruised bodies and one guy who ends up looking like a bad-ass. The final fight is between all three heroes and the lead villain. They even spend most of the time getting their asses kicked. It even ends on a bit more of a sour note than you might think.

*

So, is the movie good? Yes and No. The movie is well-written, produced and generally well-acted. However, it feels a bit too long (clocking in at two hours and ten minutes). This is a trap that a lot of recent Asian cinema seems to have fallen into. As a counterpart, there is the trend of American horror films that can barely meet their 90 minute run times (*cough*FridayThe13th*cough*). If you can accept this movie as an overly-long action film that is a bit stark at times, you may just enjoy it. If you like your action simpler and more fun, look elsewhere.

*

What's worse than a bad 80s sex comedy? This movie. Stay tuned...

A Couple Notes

I have a couple Odds and Ends to bring up.

First off, I am attempting to get a bit more exposure by posting some blog reviews on a site called www.thatguywiththeglasses.com So far, I have posted two of them: a reprint of "SARS Wars" and one new review: "Blackenstein."

So far, they have confirmed hits of around 50 or 60. For most people, that's nothing. But, for me, it's a good start.

This doesn't mean that I am going to be abandoning my update schedule. It just means that if I have enough energy for something extra, I will post there too.

My tentative plans are to either post my review of "The Dark" or "The Giant Claw" there. So, if you wonder where those reviews are, look no further.

This works out well for all of us and it's a step that I recommend to anyone who wants a little more 'viewership.' I always post a link to this page and, by proxy, a link to all of those who are set to follow me.

The other thing is more minor. I will be viewing "Xtro 3" shortly and finishing up that series, but probably jumping right to "The Guyver" films. I'm also two films away from a full "Trancers" review series. Stay tuned...

Bi-Polar Cinema: New Police Story

I love Jackie Chan for all the right reasons: I love kung-fu and comedy. The man is, at times, a human crash-test dummy. He has allegedly broken every bone in his body at one time. Why? He does it all for us- the movie audience. Every once in a while, Jackie feels like doing something different. While I applaud that sometimes (considering the man has about 100 Wu Xia films set in feudal China), the results are mixed. For example, this movie...

New Police Story

There is a bit of confusion as to what number this film is in the series. You have Police Story 1 and 2- good so far. Then you have Supercop, which is sometimes called Police Story 3: Supercop. Then we have the sequel (or sidequel): Supercop 2. While Chan does have a cameo in the movie (a really forced one at that), the real star is Michelle Yeoh, his co-star in the original film. So is this new movie Police Story 3, 4 or 5? Now you see why they just said 'Screw it! We'll call it 'New Police Story' instead."

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The film quickly begins with hostage negotiation. Chan and his crack crew show up to save the day. Unfortunately, the guy also has a grenade, making the situation all the more difficult. Through a bit of teamwork, the group manages to take out the man with no loss of life and dump the bomb into the sewers, giving us our first taste of CG explosions to come. Unfortunately, a new group of young criminals are there and take out a whole bunch of regular policemen. Time to get the good cops in.

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To be fair, the movie actually started in the present day with a drunken, sad Chan. Everything you see here is a flashback. Gee, I wonder if the bust goes well? Our hero makes a public statement of victory before they go to the villain's hide-out. Everything goes really bad when they split up, most of Chan's crew falling victim to death traps that are a mix of Saw and Rube Goldberg devices. This all happens because their radios don't work, apparently meaning that cops can't think on their own at all. Chan is left alive, but fails to save his men. Cue the drinking!

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The film introduces our actual supporting cast, including a young lady cop, Chan's fiancee and a young cop that is his new partner. Oddly, the man dresses like David Tennant (of Dr. Who fame) for no good reason. He tries to pull Chan out of his funk and to catch the bad guys. It takes a while, but he manages to do so. Time for Round Two...and three...and four. These guys don't go down easy.

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In a couple asides, the movie feels the need to give us elaborate back-story on the gang's leader. He is apparently the son of a cop who is not nice. I guess that is enough to make you a cop-killer. Thanks, movie.

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Here is the good news: you get a lot of the old Chan stunts. They are not cut short and never disappoint. One fight takes place in a Leggo Store, which is huge! We also get some good one-on-one fights and some classic Chan comedy. In this department, the movie is great. The drama is just...well, it feels odd here. It is not badly-written, acted or directed at all. It just feels weird in this movie.

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If you can accept that this movie is about 60% drama and 40% Jackie Chan film, you can have a good time. The film is well-written, acted and produced. This feels like a classic Chan film when it tries to stay fun. The drama is a bit ham-handed, but otherwise solid. Everyone has a back-story and it is explained nicely. The whole bit with Chan's new partner is addressed in a pretty subtle way in the end. If you can excuse the 'overly Superman-esque' villains and the occasional plot-hole, it is a good rental.

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We've seen how Jackie can handle a melodrama. How does his oldest son fare? Stay tuned...