Sunday, June 21, 2009

Pornedy: Flesh Gordon II

Expectations are still a dangerous thing. Even when set low, they can take you down like a well-trained UFC fighter on crack. Such was the case with today's review. While the original was not without its own sort of charm, it was not a 'good' movie. So I was not expecting much with the sequel that was crapped out over ten years later. Boy, I should have aimed a little lower still. Find out how low in my review of...
I will preface the review by stating that the little I could stand had lots of nudity. If, for some reason, that offends you, look elsewhere immediately. Everyone else will get there soon enough.
The film begins promisingly enough with Flesh and two buxom ladies on a ship. They are attacked by a stop-motion alien. The fight goes very quickly and manages to work in some nudity. It is as superfluous as the intricate stitching on a bustier. Yeah, it's there, but who is really paying attention to that aspect? It stops to reveal that this is a set. Yeah, Flesh is apparently a movie a different movie inside this movie. That is way too complex for a movie like this. Tone it down, guys. That's better.
The film truly begins when Flesh is knocked out and kidnapped by three busty woman in super tiny cheerleader's outfits. They fly off in a ship with the words 'Let's Screw' on the side. Real classy, movie. Of course, you've already seen the giant monkey that pees off of a building, so it's all downhill from here. Dr. Jerkoff (that's still stupid) and Dale fly off to rescue him in their ship. Incidentally, Dale's ship looks like a pair of breasts, while Flesh's ship is still a giant dick. I just thought that you should know that.
Dale and Doctor I'm-not-going-to-say-it try to catch up, but get caught in an ass-teroid belt. No, I did not misspell that. Our heroes must- I kid you not- get past the farting rocks or die in a massive explosion. As much as this pains me to write, the pair must fire a series of plugs and fly away. I'd say that this kills any dignity I had left, but I've already seen the first Flesh Gordon movie. They escape and go to catch Flesh.
I'll spare you most of the plot and give you a synopsis.
-An evil villain used a ray gun to make the men on the Cheerleaders' planet impotent.
-They want to harness Flesh's virility (did the star write this script?) to save their planet.
-The villain and his fat, fat wife try to stop them.
-Somewhere during this, we get turd monsters (what is this- Dogma?).
You know what? If this movie does not care, then I don't. I will freely admit that I fell asleep watching this movie and chose to just accept fate's wishes. Do yourself a favor and watch something less terrible. How about Meatballs 2? That at least has a less crappy alien in it. It's still not good though.
Have you forgotten about more sequels? I sure haven't and you won't either. It's going to get sticky though. Stay tuned...

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