Pornedy: Flesh Gordon II

Expectations are still a dangerous thing. Even when set low, they can take you down like a well-trained UFC fighter on crack. Such was the case with today's review. While the original was not without its own sort of charm, it was not a 'good' movie. So I was not expecting much with the sequel that was crapped out over ten years later. Boy, I should have aimed a little lower still. Find out how low in my review of...

Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders

I will preface the review by stating that the little I could stand had lots of nudity. If, for some reason, that offends you, look elsewhere immediately. Everyone else will get there soon enough.

*

The film begins promisingly enough with Flesh and two buxom ladies on a ship. They are attacked by a stop-motion alien. The fight goes very quickly and manages to work in some nudity. It is as superfluous as the intricate stitching on a bustier. Yeah, it's there, but who is really paying attention to that aspect? It stops to reveal that this is a set. Yeah, Flesh is apparently a movie star...in a different movie inside this movie. That is way too complex for a movie like this. Tone it down, guys. That's better.

*

The film truly begins when Flesh is knocked out and kidnapped by three busty woman in super tiny cheerleader's outfits. They fly off in a ship with the words 'Let's Screw' on the side. Real classy, movie. Of course, you've already seen the giant monkey that pees off of a building, so it's all downhill from here. Dr. Jerkoff (that's still stupid) and Dale fly off to rescue him in their ship. Incidentally, Dale's ship looks like a pair of breasts, while Flesh's ship is still a giant dick. I just thought that you should know that.

*

Dale and Doctor I'm-not-going-to-say-it try to catch up, but get caught in an ass-teroid belt. No, I did not misspell that. Our heroes must- I kid you not- get past the farting rocks or die in a massive explosion. As much as this pains me to write, the pair must fire a series of plugs and fly away. I'd say that this kills any dignity I had left, but I've already seen the first Flesh Gordon movie. They escape and go to catch Flesh.

*

I'll spare you most of the plot and give you a synopsis.
-An evil villain used a ray gun to make the men on the Cheerleaders' planet impotent.
-They want to harness Flesh's virility (did the star write this script?) to save their planet.
-The villain and his fat, fat wife try to stop them.
-Somewhere during this, we get turd monsters (what is this- Dogma?).

*

You know what? If this movie does not care, then I don't. I will freely admit that I fell asleep watching this movie and chose to just accept fate's wishes. Do yourself a favor and watch something less terrible. How about Meatballs 2? That at least has a less crappy alien in it. It's still not good though.

*

Have you forgotten about more sequels? I sure haven't and you won't either. It's going to get sticky though. Stay tuned...