Pornedy: Please, Don't Eat My Mother

Is The Little Shop of Horrors a good movie? It's alright. It is certainly quirky. If the movie is not spectacular and was not a hit, why is everyone so 'inspired' by it? You have remakes (the 1986 musical and film) and numerous references in films (Waxwork). Oh and you have this piece of crap entitled...

Please, Don't Eat My Mother

You just know not to expect much with a title like that, don't you? So did I. This managed to even be worse than my low expectations though. It is some sort of gift.

*

The plot revolves around a 40 year old virgin who is not funny and is annoying. Your position is still safe, Carrell. He lives at home with his annoying mother and lives a thankless life. What can bring joy to his life? Before you say anything like a woman, a spine or some balls, I will tell you the answer: a plant. Of course, his mother is still annoying and he has no life. Well, it's a start.

*

This proves to be no ordinary plant. It is actually a bad prop...err, I mean, a talking plant. It talks with all the realism of a Ninja Turtle. If you take the time to just picture a fat lady standing just out of frame with a megaphone, you will at least get some laughs out of this. Meanwhile, the plant's appetite grows, starting out with flies and going up to dogs. All the while, Henry goes along with this, because, as we have established, he has no spine. Not that I would fight too much with the giant plant.

*

Now the really bad part. The movie is about 60% soft-core porn. Most of this is done in about three or four scenes of couples having sex. These run longer than a reading of War and Peace by a barely-literate 3-year old. Every single one of them feels longer than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy- the full cut. On top of that, they are barely tied to the plot by way of having our lead peeping on them. Feel free to take a lunch break or two during these boring ass scenes.

*

I'll save you the trouble of renting this movie by telling you one thing: nothing funny happens. There are numerous scenes of people being eaten by the monster, but it is NEVER shown. For example, the cop shows up and, one jump cut later, he is naked and in the plant's mouth. Huh? The last lady is pretty hot, but that is about it. Do yourself a favor and watch ANY other version of this story. It is not funny, it is not titillating and it hurts to watch. The DVD extra of the guy from Something Awful picking out film cans was more entertaining!

*

Let's take a walk on the bi-polar side. I'm sad now. Stay tuned...

Alien(s) Ant Farm: Xtro II

Let me address your first question right away. This is not classified under 'WTF Britain?!?' because it is a Canadian production. Basically, the breakdown is this: the director somehow retained the title rights, but not the story rights. 80s lawyers were quirky, I guess. So, he sold the idea of making another movie to a Canadian production company. So if you were looking for a real sequel to Xtro, you are...well, you are a weirdo. This is...

Xtro II: The Second Encounter

An important thing to note about this movie from the start is that it is really trying to be the iconic film Aliens. This was a common trend in the late 80s and, let's face it, it has never ended. It was just more blatant back then. This is something that I will cover in-depth at a later date.

*

The film begins with a really long helicopter shot throughout the credits and ends up at a secret military base. Despite them having as many pipes as Space Mutiny, this is not in the future. A bunch of scientists are working on inter-dimensional travel. They are doing a new test today to coincide with the Secretary of Defense paying a visit. The experiment goes horribly wrong as the inter-dimensional astronauts are seemingly lost. This immediately brings us to the biggest plot hole of the movie.

*

They establish early-on that this is the second time that this experiment has been done. The first time was in Texas and ended with one astronaut survivor and a blown-up base. So, of course, they do this again. Of course! I know governments can be stupid, but this is ridiculous. I suspect that there is a deeper reason for this though. By establishing that this is the second attempt, they are implying that this is a real sequel...albeit to a film that doesn't exist. It's real predecessor is about an alien kid killing people with a mutant clown. If only...

*

One survivor comes back just in time for the other lone survivor (from the last experiment) to be sent in to help. Unfortunately, his acting is just really, really bad. Jan Michael Vincent's performance is more wooden than Pinnochio's dick. Oh and he's our lead. Kill me now, alien!

*

The plot boils down to this: running around, shooting at nothing and death. Everything else is just window dressing. One really funny part is when they bust out the giant robot-arm gun from Aliens. Make your copying less subtle, movie! Ironically, that guy dies first. That and the woman who suffers the alien bursting out of her chest, only to later be found as a burnt-out husk are the standouts. Plus, you get a plan that involves one soldier (Krychek from The X-Files) and the frail scientist (really) hand-climbing up elevator cables to blast an exit. Shockingly, they both die. That alien refuses to go down.

*

In defense of the movie, the alien looks menacing at times. He also looks amazingly similar to the giant fly monster from The Fly II. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? If you like the 80s model of giant monster that barely moves (see the Cyclops alien from Contamination), then it is a good thing. If you like good effects, it is not. At least he gets blown apart and everyone lives happily ever after. Or do they? The last shot is the possessed/evil computer saying something scary. Wait...what?!? The End.

*

This movie sucks... but in a very funny way. The alien is silly and oddly indestructible, even when it is shown as a flaming corpse. The acting and effects are, well, bad. They are at a good level of silly that you can laugh at them without crying...at least, not much. The film really tries to be Aliens, but ends up more like Alien Contamination. 80s VHS title release jokes never get old!

*

What goes better than porn with killer plants? Actually, most things do. Too late for this movie. Stay tuned...

Shockumentary: Good-Bye, Uncle Tom

I feel the need to preface the entire review by saying that I pretty much agree with nothing that this movie says. When you read what this movie has to say, you will understand my discretion.

In the wake of Mondo Cane, the Mondo sub-genre was born. You had a ton of imitators (including the makers of Mondo Bizarro) and a slew of follow-up films by the men who started it. Their latter films- including Africa Addio and Women of the World- were met with controversy related to their impartiality and just how real the events were. Naturally, they followed this up by making a fake documentary about very real events. It was called...

Good-Bye Uncle Tom

There is pretty much no getting past that title, is there? I don't blame you. It is what kept me from renting this film for months. Am I glad that I did? Well, I would answer with an emphatic 'yes...and no.' It's as emphatic as I am going to get.

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The begins darkly enough in the wake of Martin Luther King Jr.'s death. Thanks, movie. It then gives you the dark side of the Black Power movement and its statements. Are you ready for the other side? Tough shit- you ain't getting them here! Therein lies the biggest problem of the movie: representation. More on that later.

*

A little bit later (though longer than it should be), the film finally introduces the most controversial element of it: time-travel. Yes, you read that right. It also gives us the title screen a good 20 minutes in. The bulk of the film is done in a faux documentary style. The idea is that when we are in the Antebellum times, the camera(s) are the eyes of Italian documentarians who are visiting (ha ha real clever). Unfortunately, the movie can't agree on a format. We get numerous shots from behind cells or from really awkward angles that would not be a place where a person would go. We also get time jumps back to the present (of 1971). This is like Lost, only a lot more racist and annoying.

*

The movie is very long (the cut I watched was 136 minutes), so I will give you a bullet point representation of the film's narrative.

-Black people are put on a boat, mutilated and sent to a camp to be 'cleaned.'

-Black people are used as slaves/sex objects/breeding machines/cattle.

-White people are all self-righteous assholes who think that black people are animals.

-All white preachers in the South think that slavery was ordered by God.

-All white men want to have sex with black women and not their wives.

-All white women don't give a shit about their slaves and/or abuse them.

-Oh yeah, black slaves never talk. Ever!

*

Just picture that for two hours, throw in some random nudity (male/female and adults/children) and horrible, horrible dialog and you have the movie. They throw in horrible imagery (the little girl leading the naked black boy being one of the worst) and expect you to go 'whoa, it's so profound.' Here is the other big problem: they just make shit up. All the time. Did Andrew Jackson hunt runaway slaves? No. Did French nuns keep slaves? No. Was there a black whorehouse run by a half-black midget called 'The General?' I seriously doubt it. So why put it in the movie and taint any good narrative/sense of reality that you had? Because you're a bunch of idiots. At least now you realize how bad the movie is (according to a 2003 documentary about the pair of directors).

*

P.S. I'm not picture-linking much here because there is almost nothing I can use. Unless you want to see naked black boys painted silver, you are going to have to do without.

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Let's cover something less controversial. How about aliens killing Canadians? Works for me! Stay tuned...

Random (and Pointless) Aside

I listen to a lot of weird music: Maximum the Hormone, Hammerfall and the like. I've gotten more into Heavy Metal as of late. One band that has intrigued me as of late is Megadeth. The name just screams 'I'm fucking metal' doesn't it? A particular song has gotten my ire for a really strange reason. The song is called, innocently enough, "Psychotron."

This is the part that gets me. It is from the chorus.

'Part organic...
...and bionic...
Not a cyborg,'

Giving them a chance at creative license aside, this makes no sense. How can you be part organic and part bionic and NOT be a cyborg. All evidence points to this being wrong.

Is it too much to ask for rock songs' lyrics to make sense? Even songs about robotic killing machines should have some logic.

To be fair, this is from the same band that brought us this grammatical gem.

'The answer to your question is...
Welcome to tomorrow!'

That feels better.

P.S. A real post is coming. It's going to be a doozy. Stay tuned...

Thai Dynamite: Garuda

Japan is really famous for its giant monsters. The likes of Baragon, Hedorah and Megalon are all instantly recognizable. Oh yeah, they also made Godzilla. Anyhow, I want to talk about something most people don't know: they are not alone! Aside from some really sub-par attempts at the genre by the West, it has been all theirs. This little Thai import could grow to be another big name in the industry if given the exposure. He is...

Garuda

To note, the film is based on an actual legend/lore in Buddhism. It is loosely based on it, since the old legend did not include armed commandos.

*

We get a long CG intro to the idea of Garuda. Basically, the beast was extremely powerful and had power-struggle issues with every deity. Finally, they joined forces and locked up the beast in a prison of nature. I'm sure that he will stay there forever.

*

The film proper begins with a Thai archaeologist discovering a mysterious artifact before a cave-in occurs. We jump ahead several years and introduce his daughter, who is in the family business. The film introduces an odd plot element to us: xenophobia. The Thai officials do not put any stock in our heroine because she is half-French and half-Thai. Did you expect racial discomfort in a monster movie? Me either.

*

The movie gets claustrophobic when the setting changes to a building tunnel. In the search for more antiquities, the local government gets involved and a strike team takes over the site. Unfortunately for them, Garuda wakes up from a very long nap and is a bit grouchy. He is also growing physically larger by the minute as his power grows. We're going to need a bigger tunnel!

*

Eventually, the beast gets loose and flies around the city. Guess who tries to kill him. Is it the military? You betcha! As if the cliches have not been properly mined, the beast gets on the roof of a building and screams out a challenge. Way to be creative. Eventually, the whole thing boils down a mass of special effects and the film's less-than-subtle McGuffin. The monster is killed and peace is restored. But can you really kill a God? All signs point to 'yes,' since no sequel has been made in the nearly five years since this film's release.

*

This film is entertaining, but not as memorable as it should be. This was Thailand's big chance to uproot Godzilla's place in history, having released it the same year as the beast's so-called swan song Godzilla: Final Wars. Is the writing the best thing since sliced bread? No. Is the special effects work super-duper? Again, no. It has satisfactory most of the time and only has a few flashes of high-quality. That said: will you have a good time? Yes. Better luck next time, guys.

*

Let's take a short break from the frivolity for something serious. Unfortunately, the directors did not quite get the memo. Stay tuned...

Rip-Off Theater: Doctor Mordrid

Have you ever wanted to do something but simply waited too long? What did you do? In the case of Charles Band and Full Moon Studios, they just made shit up. Intrigued? Read on to my review of...

Doctor Mordrid

Okay, here is what you need to know. Band had purchased the rights to produce a film based on Marvel's Doctor Strange. The project stagnated for unknown reasons and the rights transferred back to Marvel. Band, never deterred, said 'Fuck that, we've got Jeffrey Combs. Let's make a movie anyways!"

*

The film revolves around our titular hero, who lives in a TARDIS-esque apartment that is larger on the inside than the outside. He also has one of those giant monitoring centers that is right out of The Super Friends or Birdman. Her runs into a nice young woman in his apartment building who is intrigued by his distance and lack of interest in her. Who wouldn't be?

*

Problems are lingering about. A mysterious prison in another dimension is attacked. Its 'bear'-like guard is dispatched and the lone prisoner escapes. Boy, is he ugly! We learn in a bit of back-story that both him and our hero were trained together in the mystic arts. Sure, why not? Naturally, the villain turned to the bad magic and was locked up later by Mordrid. What does he want now? To kill Doctor West!

*

The battle between Mordrid and his rival is full of special effects. Well, okay, it is full of special effects as far as Full Moon can muster. He throws his costume on and goes to work. The big battle involves our two leads, the female co-star and a stop-motion dinosaur. Do I really need to tell you how this ends?

*

This movie is fun, but very forgettable. I watched the film this year and needed to refresh myself on the plot. The idea that it used to be about Doctor Strange is really evident. On the plus side, Combs is in it, so it's not all bad. On the negative side, their stop-motion effects feel right out of 1933's King Kong. You should really aim higher, guys! I'll do you a solid though: here is the movie. You're welcome.

*

Do you think Japan has the lock on giant monster movies? Think again. Stay tuned...

Rip-Off Theater: Welcome to the Jungle

Since the dawn of the film era, people have been ripping off other people's work. It goes back as far as Nosferatu, which is an official/unlicensed version of Bram Stoker's Dracula. Two years later, Universal released Tod Browning film. Imagine how many people thought that this was the rip-off. With that out of the way, let's jump right into...

Welcome to the Jungle

For those of you who are not familiar, Cannibal Holocaust is a polarizing film that deconstructed an entire genre. Admittedly, it was the 'Jungle Peril' genre, which was never the greatest. The film was a major success in its short run (2 Million dollars in 1982 dollars in 3 days) before the director was put on trial for killing the stars of the film. When they showed up, all charges were dropped. Ever since that movie, people have stolen ideas from it: The Last Broadcast, Blair Witch and Cloverfield, to name a few. None have stolen this blatantly though.

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The film begins with our group of four characters meeting up. One couple is going to New Zealand on a crazy mission to make a documentary. They join up with the other couple because of their knowledge of the land and willingness to work cheap. We quickly learn that there is a dramatic difference between the two. Our lead couple is hard-working and diligent, while the other one is...um...not. This won't end up badly, right?

*

The group ends up with some hits and misses on their journey. They nearly get shot up at the border because the jerk guy is...well, himself. This means that they have to go by foot instead of using their car. Their hopes are raised when they find a village that provides a clue to their query. This is lowered a bit later when hiking takes a lot longer, due to the dumb-ass couple staying up late and waking up hungover. Why am I stuck watching movies where people bicker all the time? Can't anyone get along?!?

*

I might as well tell you why they are out there. Basically, they are looking for the lost Rockefeller son, who disappeared in the late 60s. Why they think he is alive after over forty years is beyond me. That's just crazy talk.

*

After about forty minutes of fighting and complaining, the dumb-ass couple take the raft, most of the supplies and the camera. The narrative goes to follow them for awhile- hurray? A bit down the river, they run afoul of natives along the river bank. Naturally, the guy waves his gun at them and shouts. Yeah, good call. We have to deal with a whole long bit of 'let's delay the inevitable' before the duo is finally shot to death with arrows. Movie over?

*

The narrative flips to the good couple, who, naturally had a second camera hidden. Why couldn't we be done with the stupid 'camera P.O.V.' crap?!? I'll ignore the whole thing with 'where did they hide the camera' just this once. So they follow the path of the dumb-ass couple and run afoul of the same natives. They play it straight and, get this, don't get shot full of arrows. They eventually find an actual gore shot or two. First, they find the lady naked and strung out. Finally, the Unrated DVD part comes into play. Later, they find the guy who is oddly alive. Of course, he has his arms and legs cut off- trade off! They put him out of his misery, yet they keep the film going. Where is your sympathy for me?!?

*

I won't spoil the ending for you. Sufficed to say, if you make it that far, you will at least be a little amused by how stupid it is. It is also really obvious.

*

This film is really, really bad. You have to suffer through about an hour of fighting and yelling before ANYTHING happens. It is not worth your time and it was not worth mine. Give it time and the gore clips will end up on YouTube or something. Better yet, just watch Cannibal Holocaust. It will challenge your mindset, conventions and fears. This film just challenges your patience.

*

Another rip-off coming. How about a Marvel character done by Albert Band. Stay tuned...

House Party: Amityville Dollhouse

While this is not the last film (counting the remake and any likely direct-to-video sequels), it is the last of the original series. Quite frankly, do you think I want to wade my way through all the crap they put out with that name on it? Okay, probably, but not right now. Let's just dive right into the last film of the series entitled...

Before I begin, I feel the need to once again address the stupid way that they extended this Series. You are no longer in the House anymore, but every random object from it can affect you! First, why are there so many?  The place was blown up!  Secondly, why would people keep buying them? Ahhhh, that feels better. On to the crap film.

*

The film begins by introducing us to another family. This one is a bit different though, since it a split family. Unlike the Brady Bunch, however, this one is not a happy one. The dad has a young daughter and an older, jock son, while the wife has a science geek. Ha ha ha- he knows stuff. The kids don't get along, while the parents just want to have sex. This will be another pleasant family experience, huh?

Our first source of tribulation involves the young girl's birthday and the subsequent party. A prank is set up by the older boy involving a fake spider. The kid- who looks slightly more normal than the one from Burial Ground- freaks out and hits the older boy. But wait, this is a horror film. Where is the horror? That comes in the form of the titular dollhouse. In a 'wacky twist of fate,' the dad accidentally runs over the bike he was going to give the girl. To cover, he gives her a mysterious dollhouse that simply appeared in the garage. There is trusting and then there is 'idiot in a horror film.' Guess which one this is.

*

As usual, crazy shit starts to happen. The young kid's rat turns giant (only shown by partial model) and tries to eat the girl. The mother starts to have weird fantasies about the older boy (not her kid) that are reminiscent of that old Diet Coke commercial. In addition to all of that, the dead dad/former-spouse of the wife shows up as a zombie and talks to the younger kid. At first, this is a really good make-up job. Then, after a minute, you realize that the teeth never move. He just sort of bobs his head to talk like the apes in Planet of the Apes.

In addition to all of the family strife/scares, we also get a subplot with an older hippie couple. They try to save the day with their use of 'natural medicine.' Yes, we get the dumb people with crystals and beads from Omen IV, just with actual abilities. The whole thing builds up to a crescendo where the youngest kid gets tossed in the fireplace...and ends up in the Amityville dimension...or something. Dad and hippie guy go in, only to be confronted with demons right out of Jim Henson's The Storyteller. Hippie dad dies, other people escape and the house burns down. This makes it the second time in only three Amityville movies I've seen in which they destroy the house in some way. Creative!

This Movie is bad, but better than It's About Time.  I don't really know how much I can recommend this one.  It has its 'so weird that they are funny' moments, but it is just as obsessed with family bickering as the latter film. Who thinks that is so damn interesting?!?  The whole conceit is ridiculous: a Dollhouse made in the image of the House is also evil.  No, really.  Just think about that for five seconds.  Does you head hurt?  It should!  It is a mix of silly and mundane.  A very forgiving horror fan can pick out the parts they like, I suppose.  If you are an Amityville completist, you have already seen worse.  At least this is kind of cool (in small doses).

What's better than a good movie? The same movie...only worse. Stay tuned...

House Party: Amityville 1992

Counting the remake, there are 9 Amityville films, five of which do not even feature people being in the actual house. Why so many? Scholars will ask this question for eons and, perhaps, may solve it one day. The odds are that we will solve such questions as "Why does God kill puppies?" and "Why did they make Halloween III?" will be answered first. Until that time, let us delve into the film that is...

Amityville 1992: It's About Time

One thing to note is that the DVD tries to cover up the anachronistic nature of its title. In the 'definitely note edited' title sequence, it reads like this....
Amityville ___

It's About Time

*

Anyhow, the film sets up its really odd plot in quick order. A man is moving into a new suburban residence with his two kids. His female assistant is helping him out, but the situation is not all that happy. Simply put: the guy is a complete jerk. The lady wants to leave, but something puts a stop to that...

*

Dog Attack! A seemingly-nice dog chases down our lead and gnaws at his leg like it is made out of Snausages. In the film's first real gore scene, he knocks the dog's eye out in the process of defending himself. When the family tries to confront the dog's owner, the animal is completely fine. Whaaaaat?!?

*

The film gets really hard to follow at this point. It is basically made up of weird hallucinations and 'scares.' The problem is that every one of these scenes end with the character being in a normal room again with no sign of the weirdness. So...did it happen or not? The film's non-committal nature when it comes to the gore and such is unsettling. Should I be scared or annoyed? Make up your damn mind!

*

I have managed to go this far without mentioning that the whole film is a giant pun. You see, the craziness is related to an antique clock that came from the Amittyville house. Yeah, that's really how they kept the film going. The previous film was a mirror...apparently not realizing that emulating The Boogeyman is not a good idea. I just thought that you should know.

*

I am going to spoil the ending for you...if anyone really cares.

*

After numerous weird things, including the famous death by truck ornament, the girl molesting herself (don't ask) and the guy sunk into the black ooze from Star Trek: The Next Generation, everything resets. Yeah, you read that right. The family, having memories of what happened, quickly smashes the clock before it is put in. A happy ending? Well, it is for me. The damn thing is over!

*

When you leave a horror film confused and annoyed, it is not a good thing. This is like Izo, only without a scene of Mother Earth being raped. You can do much, much better than this movie. On top of that, it is does not have any major funny scenes to laugh at. It just hurts. Let's move on.

*

There is one final film in the original series. Let's hope it's somewhat better. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: Amityville 3-D

Two questions: first, does this title inspire any confidence? Second, how many people are actually aware of just how many of these films people made? Even with the third film, I am barely touching the tip of the iceberg. I'll get to some of those in due time. Is there anything special about this movie aside from the 3-D aspect. Read and find out in my review of...

Amityville 3-D

The film begins with a couple having a seance for their dead son. The whole thing turns pretty weird, hitting all the notes: glowing lights, flickering power and possessed voice. But, there is one problem: it is all fake. Even more fake than everything else in the movie, that is. Our 'couple' it seems is actually a pair of ghost/myth de-bunkers. Take that, plot of The Reaping! This film needs something to ruin all the fun though.

*

Like another 3-D horror film, the film bogs itself down with family melodrama. Basically, the lead and his wife are split-up and always fighting over their teenage daughter. The dad buys up the famed Amityville house against her wishes. Her friend (Meg Ryan) is trying to push her to loosen up and have some fun. This will certainly end well.

*

The non-family plot breaks down like this: people show up to the house or leave the house, somethings scares/kills them and people react. Highlights include the guy who is killed by flies (no, really) and the woman who is impaled by a metal beam through a window...and then explodes into flames. Even using 3-D in this scene does not allow it to make sense. Did she go through spontaneous combustion at the same time? Why the hell did that happen?

*

There are some interesting things to note. One thing is that they allow killings to happen outside of the house. Unfortunately, this is done by way of...fly angels of death. Yeah, I don't get it either. They also dare to kill off a main character before the third act that you would not expect. But they do not show it- at all. Good job, movie!

*

In case you had not noticed, I have not said much about the 3-D effects. Like Parasite, the effects are nearly non-existent here. Why did you put it in the title if you don't want to use it? I mean, why would you...holy shit, they are making up for it now! The finale involves at least a dozen effects, as well as wire effects, falling objects and more dry ice than a Def Leppard concert. Way to overcompensate, guys! It all ends in a surprisingly bleak manner and in a way that makes it appear to be the last film. Yeah...that was as successful as Friday the 13th: Part Four- The Final Chapter. Final my ass!

*

This movie is honestly not that terrible. It has some serious faults (seriously, why did they kill this character off-camera) that hamper it. They take some risks (leaving the house), but there is not enough pay-off. It tends to raise more questions than it answers. Seriously, how does the house kill you miles away or affect elevators? I should not have enough time to stop and think about questions like this. If you wanted to see a good 3-d horror film, you obviously had a long wait ahead of you. Next.

*

I should probably stop talking about the Amityville films. Then again, I am nuts. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

For once, I am going to do a film that was actually recent. I decided to take a break from films made before my birth or before any of my readers' possible births. This film is part of the recent rash of 3-D films that started in a minor way back in 2006. When will a horror film enter the fray? How about now...

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Remaking one of the earliest slasher films in America is a given. More notable, however, is that the original film was an import from Canada. In a way, it did not get enough credit for doing so well. Will a remake change that?

*

The film begins with a newspaper montage of the mining disaster. It eventually reveals that one man survived and seemingly killed all of his friends with a pick-axe. The police are waiting for him to wake up from his coma...which he does when they leave the room. They return to the hospital later and find close to a dozen people slaughtered. I guess just coming out of a coma doesn't slow you down. He rushes to the mine shaft, which is naturally hosting a drinking/sex party. Well, this feels like an 80s film so far.

*

We meet a pair of couples (one cute and one bitchy) at the mine. One-by-one, people are being killed by the miner. We get some tasty deaths like a half-decapitation (upper half only) and the classic eye punch-out. They actually use a little 3-D here. The cute couple's girl and the male half of the bitchy one escape, leaving the nice guy in with the killer. He survives 1,000,000x longer than anyone else so far, but is finally trapped. That is when the two cops show up and shoot the killer full of holes. Let's time-jump now!

*

10 years later, our enigmatic hero returns to town to sell his father's mine. The pairing who escaped the mine are now married and have a kid. The sheriff and the other codgers of the town are not happy about the mine situation. Oh yeah, the miner killer returns as well, making a philandering couple his first victims, as well as a midget. No, really. Naturally, the guy who was gone while the killings stopped and came back when the killings started again is the top suspect. Meanwhile, angst abounds.

*

The film goes as follows: plot, angst, plot, killing, plot, angst, plot, killing. The movie lingers on the story involving the wife's feelings for the hero, her issues with her marriage and the idea that she is working with her husband's secret lover. Thankfully, we get some good 3-D enhanced killings between all the padding. If you can get past all of this, you get an interesting mystery tale and some brutal murders. Aside from the usual issue of 'serial heavies walking as running,' it is pretty logical. No teleporting Jason here.

*

I won't spoil the ending for you since the film is so new. I will say this: the DVD promotion of the alternate ending is bullshit. It is the same ending, just with about ten seconds of new footage. It's not quite as bad as the 'alternate opening' promotion for Incredible Hulk though.

*

Honestly, the movie is pretty good. The feeling of mystery in a slasher film reminds me a bit of a giallo film, which is a good thing. It lingers a bit too long in dramatic dialog for my tastes at times though. Any film where a midget is killed with a pick axe while a naked woman hides under a mattress is worth a rental in my book. It is a bit too 'ehh' at times, but is enjoyable as a whole.

*

Let's hop back to the 80s for the first 3-D haunted house film. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: Parasite

The idea of 3-D films has always been odd to me. Films are not entertaining enough, so we need shit coming at us? As a film buff, that has always been a questionable bit of logic. The issue also comes as to whether the 3-D element would be the key selling point (Coming at Ya!) or just a bonus feature (Friday the 13th, Part 3). Enough talk- let's review...

Parasite

To begin with, this is a very overly-complex setup to an otherwise simple film. Basically, some weird experiment got released and f-ed up the free world. How and why is never quite elaborated on. All I know is that people live in messed up houses, criminals are everywhere and people in silver instead of cash. What an arbitrary choice of currency, film!

*

Our hero is a mysterious man in a very 80s car who arrives in a tenement village disguised as a town. The only people are an older lady who owns a house, a general store owner, his cute young helper (pre-fame Demi Moore), a gas station owner and a group of thugs. I wonder which one will be the bad guys? Our hero settles in at a guest room held by the lady and gets acquainted with everyone. He has a mysterious secret relating to his 'research' and a canister. More on that later.

*

Around this time, another mysterious man shows up to one of the film's five sets. He wears a suit, drives another 80s car and, oh yeah, has a laser gun. This is the first thing of the sort in the film. I should also point out that no major 3-D effects have been seen so far. He questions people about our hero, but takes a while to get anywhere, which is odd. You see, the town is very small when they show it, but very large when it comes to the other guy. It must be the TARDIS effect. Meanwhile, the gang stirs up trouble.

*

Being a gang, they have to threaten everyone for any reason possible. They eventually get to our hero and wonder about his parcel. After beating him up and stealing it, they find...a monster in a can! Finally, some 3-D! The thing wreaks havoc and kills at least one of the member. Meanwhile, our quiet villain gets closer. Our hero gets to know the young lady, who agrees to help him out with his problems.

*

The whole thing eventually comes to a peak. Our hero fights the gang members, making time to work in some 3-D effects. The other villain finally shows up and fights the scientist as well. We get our third monster appearance in a monster movie and a big flaming finale. The day is saved...well, sort of. The whole apocalypse thing has still happened. The End.

*

To be honest, this is not a good film. It takes a long time to get started, has too much going on and never really explains all that much. The acting is lacking, the sets are super-minimalist and the direction is merely adequate. I should explain that it was directed by Charles Band, the head of the Band family of directors/producers/writers. These are the people that brought us Puppet Master vs. The Demonic Toys, Robot Jox 2 and Evil Bong. I guess that I should not have been expecting anything better.

*

Let's get away from the 80s and do some new 3-D. Stay tuned...

'80s Trash?: Scarecrows (UPDATED)

One could argue that the Scarecrow sub-genre of films derived from the unintentional derived from the titular character's appearance in Return to Oz.  I prefer to think that it comes from this gem...

Oddly, the film begins with what would probably be the biggest budget aspect already having happened. While thrifty, it feels a bit lazy. Basically, a bunch of ex-military dudes robbed an army surplus, kidnapped a pilot (with daughter in tow) and are making their escape. 

Unfortunately, one of them heeds Steve Miller's advice and 'takes the money and runs.' This does not bode well for him as the others follow suit and land at the nearby farm.

Things tend to go pretty bad pretty quick. As the criminals wander around the place looking for the man, they choose to ignore the creepy scarecrows.  Good call. 

One of them gets grabbed and killed, driving the bad guys crazy.  Oh good, their former member shows up at the door. 

 But wait, where's the money? Oh, it's...stuffed inside his chest like a scarecrow. Eww.  But wait, how did he walk all the way there like that and only fall over dead when they let him in? What's that, movie? You never plan to tell us? Okay then.

More suspense and killing are on the menu. Let's also not forget all the cursing and in-fighting as well. You get plenty of that between the gore scenes. I hope you can get used to it. Oddly, the scarecrows are far more tactical and smart than the former military personnel. By the way, how do they communicate again? Right, you still won't tell us. 

They give you a small story about a demonic possession of the area, but that is pretty much it. Fortunately, the gore is distracting enough. The whole thing ends simple enough with a climax involving a plane, some scarecrows and a grenade. The End.

Your feelings on this movie are entirely hinged upon your ability to ignore certain things. First, the fact that this is a fairly-strange rip-off of the Aliens formula. While this is not uncommon, it is sort of noticeable here. Secondly, the film pretty much never explains the monsters, how they work or why. All you get is: don't go to this farm or they will kill you. They're not moral crusaders either, since they try to kill the Captain and his Daughter too. (UPDATE: They're basically proto-Rage Ghosts)  They are just an unnatural force of nature- think about that one for a while.  For simple pulp value, it is certainly fun and passable.  It is strong on atmosphere, solid when it comes to practical FX gore and light on answers.  It also gets some retroactive bonus points for seeming to inspire a certain Team Fortress Character...

*** I can't be the only one to see this, right? ***

Next up, it is time to jump into...the 3rd Dimension. Stay tuned...

Viva Los Exploitation!

We must pause to mourn the passing of Don Edmonds, the director of two classic films.Your vision to combine the Women In Prison genre with the Nazi genre is commendable. You will be missed by all of us fans of Euro-sleaze.

P.S. I hate the Rule of Threes. It is pure evil.

I Drink Your Blood: Lemora- A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

In my quest to see so many strange and bizarre movies, I have come across some curiousities. Whether it is a vampire dog, a hopping vampire or a vampire that eats fetal material, there is some strange stuff out there. In theory, this is not. However, in execution, it certainly is...

Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

Also known as Lemora: The Lady Dracula and/or The Legendary Curse of Lemora, this is an entry in the rarely-remembered 'Lady Vampire' genre. Unlike the others, this one is not built around a busty and buxom woman romancing men. It is much worse.

*

The film begins with a young lady writing a letter to her n'er-do-well father. She is living with a bunch of nuns after his disappearance into a life of crime. You see, for no good reason, this film is set in the 1930s. Much like with Dr. Phibes, it is does not add anything other than a quirky look. Aside from the nuns being...well, nuns, the pastor sort of has the hots for her. We get a real gentile scene of him looking at her in her night clothes, which is more covering than most people's regular clothes.

*

Her serenity is gone when her father is shot up and ends up in the hands of Lemora. She makes him write a letter to Lila that says that she should meet him. Our heroine sneaks out at night, goes into the 'bad neighborhood' and goes to the bus station. Taking a midnight bus proves to be a bad idea as wild vampires attack the vehicle. This is honestly a very effective scene due to the lighting, music and the child perspective. Oh and just to clarify, the lady playing Lila was 17 at the time. I don't want any complaints.

*

She gets past this trauma and ends up in the welcome arms of Lemora. She appears nice enough, but has more than a few secrets. Lila, playing up the childhood mindset, never gets suspicious, even when Lemora wants to give her a bath. No, they still don't show anything. Lila settles in, but remains suspicious. Desperate and curious, she runs off one night in search of her dad. This is as bad of an idea as you would imagine. The young lady gets spooked and scared by other vampires before she runs...right back where she started. Thanks for that, movie.

*

Stop here if you don't want to know how it ends.

*

After a little while, the Reverend finally shows up to 'save the day.' What he finds is no longer an innocent 19-year old-pretending-to-be-13, but, instead, is a young woman. She kisses him, which he resists at first. Finally, he gives in and kisses her back. It is at this point that she bites his neck. It cuts to her singing again in Church. So, did that all happen? Is she a vampire? We never find out. The End.

*

In all honesty, this is a pretty good film. It doesn't move forward at that robust of a pace, but establishes its mood and setting early on. The blue lighting adds a lot to the hum-drum activities. You need to know that this is a low-budget film and will not have lots of monster effects. The best way to describe the film is that it has a very 'indy' feel to it. It is not the best lady vampire movie out there, but it is quite unique.

*

Do you like monsters made out of straw? I have just your movie. Stay tuned...

I Drink Your Blood: Lifeforce *UPDATED*

I don't know what to say about this movie. Is it a horror film? Is it a science-fiction film? Is it a suspenseful character study? Is it a floor wax? Okay, it definitely is not the last one. This film is definitely a product of its times and is very unique. What other film has naked Space Vampires?  If you can name another film...I really need to see it. In the meantime, here is this...

The film begins in outer space, leading us towards the sci-fi conclusion. A group of astronauts are on a mission when Haley's Comet flies by. They detect something in its tail and, naturally, go to investigate it. A trio of them float onto the giant freaky ship, but don't suspect anything. They discover a trio of naked people (one of them female) in tubes. This gives us the first disparagement of the film: the lady is shown in full-frame, but the men are covered. Not that I want to see that or anything, but it still feels weird. Some freaky stuff happens and all communication is lost.

After a bit of chaos, the pod from the spaceship crashes in the ocean, leaving only one living man. The rest of the bodies, save for the trio of naked people, are gone. The government has a lot of questions, but the astronaut has few answers. I thought we already knew that we could not trust astronauts! Shortly thereafter, the woman awakens and escapes the building, leaving some plastic bodies in her wake. This happens a lot & we quickly learn that the mysterious beings suck the life energy out of people. Life energy- if only I had a better way to say that. The men awaken as well, but prove to be 'killable' with enough bullets (roughly 1,000). Movie over?

No, it seems that the woman is hard to track down. I repeat- the naked space vampire lady is hard to track down. She proves to be more powerful than the men and able to transfer her consciousness into other people. Only one man can find her: crazy Astronaut man! He has some weird psychic connection to her, due to their previous interaction, and can feel her. I guess he's part Highlander. They track her down to a psychiatric facility run by Captain Picard and think that she is in a fat guy. Astronaut Jones sees through this facade and takes 'Picard' with them. Unfortunately, he explodes in a giant splash of blood. No, really.

The whole thing builds to a really strange climax. Naked space vampire lady causes lots of lights to flash in the skies around London. Our hero/crazy man tracks her down and, um, tries to negotiate. Yeah, it's sex.  A lot of blue lights go off and, um, something happens. They never really bother to explain what. We know that both people are gone and the threat is over. Um yea? The End.

This movie is definitely a guilty pleasure. You get flash effects, exploding corpses and a naked lady. Did I mention her yet? Okay, good. Oddly, this film is directed by Tobe Hooper, the man behind The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Body Bags. Even if you view him as the guy who made Poltergeist, this still seems weird. Maybe the similarity between just how many blue lights and smoke he creates is all we can hope for. If you can accept all the silly effects and nudity, you just might have a good time.

Let's keep the vampire theme going with...a woman lusting after a pre-teen? Stay tuned...

Video Nasty: Cat in the Brain

Lucio Fulci was a weird man and made really weird movies. Today's film is no exception. The weirdest subject left to cover: himself.  I should probably explain that, right?  Well, I won't.  Instead, i'll cut the crap and jump right into...

To preface the film, you need to know about its cast. The film is co-written by, co-produced by and directed by Fulci. But wait, there's more!  The movie also stars Lucio as...Lucio Fulci.

No, I'm not kidding. Just go with it.

Lucio is in the middle of making a new movie, but is starting to feel weird. Maybe it is the fact that he has a tape of a cat eating what appears to be eating brain jerky in his possession. Despite this, he manages to also work on Sodoma's Ghost (not a good film, as you recall). In a scene that you would not see re-enacted until Adaptation, he meets up with one of the actors before shooting a scene. Well, to be realistic, he does reaction shots that are synced up with footage from the film. Get used to this, loyal readers.

The film is a mix of graphic and strangely muted scenes. On one hand, you get re-used footage of a body being vivisected by a chainsaw. On the other hand, you have a Fulci freak out that is not actually shown. Instead, they simply have his agent go 'why did you do etc etc.' You won't show that, but you will show a woman being decapitated by a chest lid (don't ask)?!? This film was banned by England, but I wondered why at times.

Sometimes though, I do get it.

The narrative is really confusing here. Basically, Fulci has issues and goes to see a Therapist. Said therapist has even more issues than him, what with being emotionally-castrated by his wife. He convinces Lucio to see crazy hallucinations on cue (don't ask) and proceeds to go on a killing spree of people near where the Director goes. His killings are the only new death scenes in the film and are pretty good. 

Nothing stands up to the recycled footage of the kid randomly getting his head cut off with a chainsaw though.

Stop now if you don't want to know about the ending...

*
*
*

The ending is just weird, stupid and oddly shot. Fulci goes to his friend after 'seeing his family be killed' in archival footage. He goes off later and wakes up near a dead body. He pleads to his friend to believe his innocence, prompting the man to smile. His buddy called the police (not shown), had Fulci...and the psychiatrist...tailed (not shown), and they caught the guy, killing him in the process (not shown). Are you kidding me?!? You have to do better than that, movie. Lucio goes on a holiday boat ride with a young woman (since creepy old men with Diabetes make girls wet?!?), but seemingly kills her. They pull out to reveal that this is for a film (wait...huh?) and then he actually leaves. My brain hurts.

This movie is really not that good. On the surface, you get a high body count to boast about. The problem: this film is marketed to Fulci fans who have probably seen all of his movies up until this point (1990). So, you're just replaying stuff that they have already seen to support a thin premise that makes no sense? Sure. It is a film curiosity for sure. Is that enough? I'm not sure. On the plus side, this movie doesn't fall apart after 20 minutes like Manhattan Baby (more on that later). You can do worse with Fulci, but not by a whole lot.

Next up, what is better than a vampire, you ask? How about a space vampire...who is naked all of the time? Stay tuned...

R.I.P. Frankenstein

I'll see you later, pal. You will always be the real Dracula to me. See you on the other side, Kain.

Zombie-a-Go-Go: Dead Heat

This nearly ended up in 80s Trash, but it makes it here for one key reason: Piscopo! Pair this steroid-ridden comic up with Treat Williams- star of The Substitute 3 and 1941- and you have a hit on your hands. But wait, there's more! A famous horror icon makes a small appearance that immediately makes the film 100x better. Who? Read the review and find out. I bring you...

Dead Heat

The film starts out bad enough by giving us the major cliches of cop-dom: the good cop and the eccentric/lazy cop. Wow, this is the laziest writing I have ever heard of. Oh wait, Treat's character is named Roger Mortis. I spoke too soon. They attempt to break up a robbery and shoot a man full of holes. Somehow, he refuses to go down. What is he, Rambo? Finally, they run him over with a car. That was odd. Let's investigate.

*

This leads them to a mysterious company that is doing mysterious things. I sense no subtext or foreshadowing here. Let's move on.

*

Unfortunately, another pair of zombies show up to cause more trouble for our duo. Will they find time to bicker and exchanged bad 80s dialogue? Kiss my grits, but don't call me Shirley- they do! They return to the company building after seeing the zombies melt, but not before getting a tongue lashing from their boss Commander Kolchak. During an investigation, Treat is tossed into an air-sealed room and left to die. Oh, what a shame. The End, right?

*

It turns out that one of the scientists feels bad and decides to re-animate the star of Everwood. There is one catch however: his body will break down in 12 hours or so. Thanks for bringing him back so that he can melt to death instead, lady!

*

Long story short- an evil guy is bringing people back to life as a way to stay alive forever. Wow, that is a pretty dumb plot. Can you distract me from this fact, movie? Oh, you appeared to have re-animated an entire Chinese restaurant kitchen. Touche, movie. The movie also throws lots of shoot-outs, explosions and fires to distract you. Even so, one thing is still missing from the movie. During the big 'plot reveal' scene, the evil villain finally reveals himself as...

*

VINCENT PRICE! He is the evil man, although he really doesn't have much to do. In fairness, which would you rather have- him or Piscopo? The whole thing ends rather weirdly, so I won't spoil it for you. Sufficed to say, it is simultaneously conclusive and inconclusive. Make of that what you will.

*

I have a soft spot for this movie, although I cannot truly explain why. It is stupid and silly, but very entertaining. Even in spite of Piscopo, it is a very entertaining film, which is only hampered by a refusal to show some real gore. You will either love this movie or hate it. I can just tell you that it is loads of fun and leave it at that.

*

I just can't stay away from Lucio Fulci films. Come see why I probably should. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Thundarr the Barbarian

In a way, I am sad that I am younger than I am. In part, I wish I could have seen some of the crazy films from the 1970s and 80s when they were fresh and from this perspective. That also applies to the cartoons of this era. One show that I have learned to love through the advent of cable is...

Thundarr the Barbarian

It is hard to explain the concept of this show in any logical manner, but that won't stop me. Logic and I are not good friends, but we can give it a shot!

*

In the future (read: 1994), a major disaster has ravaged the world. Man, how many cartoon shows start out with that?!? In the wake of this, people reverted back to the old ways of magic and swords. Not everyone got the memo, however, and many people use advanced technology instead. In a world of wizards, monsters and cyborgs, only our titular hero can save the day.

*

The cast of this show is interesting, to say the least. Our hero is a man in the mold of Yor, Conan and Kamandi. He wields his famous 'Sun Sword,' which is basically a light saber. His first companion is Ariel- not to be confused with the mermaid- the sorceress. She does not have much back story, but she can pretty much make anything out of yellow energy a la Sinestro and can be a walking deus ex machina at times. Lastly, there is Ookla the Mok, who is a weird alien/Wookie thing. They never go all that in-depth on the guy, which might be the point. Then again, if the show had been given more than 21 episodes, they might have as well.

*

To be honest, the show is a little stock at times when it comes to plot. Thundarr and company go somewhere, come across a problem and try to save the day. Where it sells you is the strange characters and visuals. A robot wizard with a rotating face and personality? Check. (A side note- this character debuted three years before Man-E-Faces) If you want to see monsters fight robots and a wizard, this is your show. If you can't make sense of it all, just go along for the ride.

*

Do you like zombies and Joe Piscopo? Well weirdo, I have something for you. Stay tuned...

Bad Doggie!: Zoltan...Hound of Dracula

Dracula films are a dime a dozen. The poor guy has been in New York, San Francisco, China and Turkey, just to name a few. Hell, the guy has even been in outer space! There have been nearly 200 films and TV appearances by the poor Transylvanian. Let's give the guy a break for a while and talk about...

Zoltan...Hound of Dracula

Yes, this movie is as stupid as it sounds. I just thought that you should know that.

*

The film is set in the Russian wilderness where a crypt has been hidden for 200 hundred years. The drilling and explosive demolition work unearths the place though, allowing a certain resident to get free. That resident: an evil dog. I bet you're wondering why Dracula didn't awaken from the same tomb. That is a good question.

*

Through the magic of lazy screenwriting, our villainous hound manages to track down one of Dracula's far-off descendants while he goes on vacation with his family. Around the same time, an expert in the occult (Jose Ferrer) gets alerted to the danger and rushes off to intercede. Well, in reality, he takes nearly forty-five minutes of screen time to get there. He must have caught every red light, I guess.

*

The biggest problem with the movie is its premise. You are supposed to be scared and shocked by a pack of vampire dogs. What makes them vampires? The yellow overlay effect given to their eyes, of course. This actually plays a part in the big finale...but more on that later. Basically, villain and hero end up in close proximity, while a random family gets in the way. Their poor puppies are killed for the crime of...being there. This is going to get bad, isn't it?

*

Honestly, the movie just loses all its momentum by about an hour into it. The setup is too long and there is really not much to look forward to. You get one good scene of claustrophobic horror as Zoltan and company try to kill the family whilst inside a shack. Eventually, evil is thwarted and the day is saved...or is it?!? The film shows some carnage on the next night as a line of animal bodies litter the floor. The film slowly pans out to reveal...the cutest vampire ever! Seriously, a vampire puppy is the best thing that they could manage. Even Rats: Night of Terror could do better than that. Not much, but by a little. You can do far better than this movie. Of course, the title could have told you that.

*

We made it through the whole alphabet. How about we break for cartoons? Stay tuned...