Thursday, June 18, 2009

Pornedy: Please, Don't Eat My Mother

Is The Little Shop of Horrors a good movie? It's alright. It is certainly quirky. If the movie is not spectacular and was not a hit, why is everyone so 'inspired' by it? You have remakes (the 1986 musical and film) and numerous references in films (Waxwork). Oh and you have this piece of crap entitled...
You just know not to expect much with a title like that, don't you? So did I. This managed to even be worse than my low expectations though. It is some sort of gift.
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The plot revolves around a 40 year old virgin who is not funny and is annoying. Your position is still safe, Carrell. He lives at home with his annoying mother and lives a thankless life. What can bring joy to his life? Before you say anything like a woman, a spine or some balls, I will tell you the answer: a plant. Of course, his mother is still annoying and he has no life. Well, it's a start.
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This proves to be no ordinary plant. It is actually a bad prop...err, I mean, a talking plant. It talks with all the realism of a Ninja Turtle. If you take the time to just picture a fat lady standing just out of frame with a megaphone, you will at least get some laughs out of this. Meanwhile, the plant's appetite grows, starting out with flies and going up to dogs. All the while, Henry goes along with this, because, as we have established, he has no spine. Not that I would fight too much with the giant plant.
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Now the really bad part. The movie is about 60% soft-core porn. Most of this is done in about three or four scenes of couples having sex. These run longer than a reading of War and Peace by a barely-literate 3-year old. Every single one of them feels longer than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy- the full cut. On top of that, they are barely tied to the plot by way of having our lead peeping on them. Feel free to take a lunch break or two during these boring ass scenes.
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I'll save you the trouble of renting this movie by telling you one thing: nothing funny happens. There are numerous scenes of people being eaten by the monster, but it is NEVER shown. For example, the cop shows up and, one jump cut later, he is naked and in the plant's mouth. Huh? The last lady is pretty hot, but that is about it. Do yourself a favor and watch ANY other version of this story. It is not funny, it is not titillating and it hurts to watch. The DVD extra of the guy from Something Awful picking out film cans was more entertaining!
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Let's take a walk on the bi-polar side. I'm sad now. Stay tuned...

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