Saturday, July 6, 2013

DTV Clown Crap: S.I.C.K.

The really sad part is that I know that there are two of these!  Today's films is S.I.C.K. aka Serial Insane Clown Killer.  Can I just examine the grammar here for a moment?  They use a really weak tense here, so I'm not sure whether he's a person that kills Clowns or a Clown that is also a killer.  Before you make your shitty Slasher Film, could you learn proper grammar?!?  Now then, where do I begin?  The film is about a bunch of meat bags going to a Cabin in the Woods (not that one- sadly) and being tormented by a killer Clown (not from Outer Space).  There's a deeper mystery here, as one of the group is actually evil.  Is it the girl who's obviously kind of evil?  Is it the guy that's definitely evil?  Is it both of them?  It obviously is, but let's pretend that we don't know it.  The sole redeeming factor of this crapfest is that the lead sounds *eerily* like Christian Bale in American Psycho.  I don't know if it's intentional or not, but it is a nice distraction.  The biggest thing: my Playstation 3 seemed to be rejecting the movie.  It would play it, but the whole thing just looked blurry and out of focus.  So much for High-Definition, huh?  To see how and why this film truly sucks, read on...
In the opening scene, this woman is killed by a P.O.V. killer, something that they totally didn't steal from Halloween.  What does this actually mean?  Nothing.  Does it matter at all?  No.
This guy on the right is the lead- aka Sounds Like Christian Bale- goes off for the weekend with some friends and a girl he's lusted after at work for a while.

This leads to one of the film's most irritating qualities (besides the blurry visuals): the over-use of pointless flashbacks.  They hurt.
At the Cabin, one of the women tells a crazy store for a film idea she had.  It's basically the 'parents kill a guy who attacked their kids' story, but the guy turns out to be a Clown and not Freddy Kreuger/Candyman.

In the long run, this turns out to mean very little.  Thanks for *continuing* to waste my time, movie.
At the Cabin, a bunch of people start to disappear and weird doll heads start to appear in their place.  Seems normal enough.
When in doubt, split up in the Woods.  I can't say how that could possibly go wrong.
This is either a reaction to seeing a bunch of dead bodies or seeing the original title to the sequel: 2 S.I.C.K.  Either one is valid, really.
Out in the Woods, the Clown- who's real, apparently- kills a couple of people and revels in the film's super-low budget.  I can't wait to see the feedback I get from the makers of the film defending shit like this.
Hey look, the Clown is finally doing something- over an hour into the film- and his look changed.  I hate continuity, so I love this.
In a twist that everyone saw coming, the two people that were obviously evil are actually evil.  This is just part of their plan to draw people to their place and kill them, something that would never draw attention to you within weeks.

Seriously, everyone knows that you go there.  You're a bunch of idiots.  The End.
I think that I can just go ahead and skip the sequel now.  Seriously, this crap is hard to watch.  I have a high tolerance for bad Acting, bad Writing and bad Production Values.  This film had all of those AND the ability to hurt my eyes while watching it.  I had less issue watching the gray, blurry print of The Girl Hunters.  In that film's defense, it was made in 1963 and was clearly not well preserved over the last 50 years.  This film was made in 2003.  Granted- it was made 'on the cheap,' so certain things are to be expected.  That said, this is one of the most unpleasant films to watch from a purely-visual perspective.  On top of that, it has very little plot, dragging from scene to scene.  What little plot they give you is not that good either.  In addition, the film is fond of its random flashbacks, constantly stopping what little story is on-screen to either explain stuff you already know or show you stuff like people acting drunk at a party.  This is a stupid movie that treats you as stupid, explaining the 'subtext' that was obvious in the beginning of the film like it is The Sixth Sense!  You're not complicated.  You're not clever.  You're just cheap crap.  If you haven't seen this film, count yourselves lucky.  Seriously, your eyes will thank you!
Next up, the sequel of sorts to a Cult Classic which is now part of the Criterion Collection.  In that case, why the hell does nobody realize that they made another one?!?  Stay tuned...

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