Quick Reviews: The Dark Tower (2017)

As we approach the end of the Year, I might as well look back at some of the biggest hits.  Until then, here's this...

Welcome to No Context Theater.  There are multiple Earths, Rat Men, a Man in Black and a machine that somehow uses the energy of children's positivity to shoot lasers at a giant Tower that does...something.

No, I won't read all 8 Books first!

On Keystone Earth (again- I don't know why it is called that and I won't read your damn books first!), a kid sees visions of all of that.

The Man in Black, meanwhile, wants to destroy everything, since...um...reasons.  He can also just tell you to die, apparently.

Too bad he didn't try 'Go see this new Franchise' on the Audiences...

Our Hero is targeted for his 'Shine' and flees to another Earth.  Instead of meeting Nazi Green Arrow, he meets The Gunslinger.

To complete Hero Template #43, he lost his father and doesn't feel like a hero anymore.

The pair wander for a bit to fill out the not-even-90-minute Runtime, occasionally-referencing other King material in a vague enough fashion to not actually own the Film Rights.

Oh and some Action too.

Can the Gunslinger and some kid with 'the Shine' save humanity?  Would a team of other King Heroes like Bill from Maximum Overdrive, Charlie from Firestarter and Carrie be more interesting?

On the plus side, the Blue Sky Portal is now a Red Sky Cloud.  To find out more, watch the Film.

I want to like it...I just don't know what it is.  The Dark Tower is a long-running Book Series.  The Dark Tower is an 85-minute Film that doesn't explain any of the important things that I need to know about the Film.  Call me dumb if you want.  Tell me that I should have read the Books.  I stand by this.  Who is the Gunslinger?  What drives The Man in Black?  What exactly is the Tower?  Why do kids good thoughts form lasers that can destroy it?  Why are we called Keystone Earth?  Why are there Rat Men?  Why does this kid have 'the Shine?'  Why is this an awkward, confusing mess of  an Action Film in lieu of being a love letter to Stephen King's works?  If you want to leave some mysteries, you achieved that goal!  If you wanted me to be invested in your Story, you failed hard.  I wanted to like this one.  I wanted everyone who said that it made no sense and wasn't engaging to just be wrong.  Sadly, they aren't.  At least they didn't remind me of a better Stephen King Film to watch...

A bit of a mess as it is too short to be a Franchise-starter and barely long enough to be a feature Film.  The cool moments are not enough for the lack of explanation for, well, anything.