'90s Trash: Justice League of America (1997 TV Pilot)

Well, this seems obvious.  After all, everyone and their great-aunt has ragged on Batman v Superman (myself included), nobody but David Ayer seems to love Suicide Squad and everyone BUT James Cameron seems to agree on how good Wonder Woman is.  It was either this or trash the 2011 Green Lantern Film- which I actually like.  Is it cheesy-looking and kind of shallow- yes.  I still like it.  This one, however, nobody in their right mind is stepping up to defend!  In 1997, an attempt was made to bring the Justice League to TV.  It only aired as a Pilot in Europe, so...not good.  Just like with the '90s Avengers Cartoon, they couldn't get the bigger names on the team.  You want Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman?  Too bad- you get Guy Gardner, The Atom and Ice!  Aside from that disappointment, there's, well, so much disappointment.  The narrative is clunky, the Costumes are questionable, the Writing is bad and the whole thing feels super-dated.  They don't go full 'Go Ninja Go' on us, but they get pretty close.  The Justice League has many great Villains to choose from- Darkseid, Lex Luthor, Braniac and Despero.  They aren't here.  In their place, The Weatherman.  It isn't even Nicholas Cage with a bow & arrow.  I hope the 5 of you that get that reference are happy.  Is this legendarily-bad for no reason or something to be derided?  To find out, read on...

Okay- I immediately have questions!

This one begins with the Justice League Members being interviewed for some sort of Real World-like Show, out of costume and with their real names showing.

If you want to know why any of this is happening, well...um, I guess it was going to be on the Show.

The League is here to stop the efforts of The Weatherman- clearly not Miguel Ferrer- to extort the City with his random weather attacks.  Please ignore how silly this mask looks.

Before you think that this is some sort of Superhero Show, we get lots of random backstory for the Characters (that makes sense if it was going to be a long-running thing).

Do you care that Guy is a cad or that Barry can't keep a job?  Nope.

Late in the Film/Pilot, we see the Leader of the Team- a lead balloon painted up like Martian Manhunter.

I kid, I kid...but seriously, was THAT the best look?  Damn!

The team must initiate a new member- Ice.  She's a Meteorological Scientist who got ice powers from...um...a magic Weather Machine.  Just go with it!

Can she learn to use her powers in time?

Is it worth watching the whole Film to see this one actually-neat effect?  No.

The team gets it together to stop the Weatherman when...they all basically do nothing and Ice saves the day.  Teamwork!

Ice joins the team for their further adventures in *CANCELLED*.  The End.

Just as bad as everyone says.  To be fair, it was bad for me in *different* ways than these often are.  From the get-go, the Framing Device both makes no sense and kills all Drama.  I could go on for hours about how having them interviewed out of costume for some TV Show within a Show makes no damn sense.  Aside from that, it tells us in advance that Ice joins the team and that they all survive.  You'd have to really cheat to somehow have surprises in a Story with this format- e.c. Monster Hunter.  In addition to that hurdle, the Film just constantly stops to tell you random anecdotes about the Characters.  I. don't. care.  There's also a C-Plot involving Fire being wooed by a young man and having to use Martian Manhunter to convince him that she's not Fire.  He only leaves the lair twice in the Film- another issue!- and this is one of those times.  It is worth mentioning a second time how bad Manhunter looks here too- not that I'm trying to fat-shame him.  Speaking of looks, the use of Guy Gardner is confusing here, as he's modeled as part-Guy, part-Hal Jordan and part-Kyle Rayner.  He's the Frankenlantern!  The Weatherman is also a pretty lame Villain, given how he uses generic devices to commit his crimes and then just runs away when it all gets ruined.  Thankfully, Ferrer would go on to play Weather Wizard to *much* better effect.  This is the best and worst description of the Show- 'Justice League Meets FRIENDS.'  Just imagine the worst combination of those two, add in worse writing and you have this Pilot.  Thank Xenu it wasn't picked up, since we got this far better version a bit later...

Next time, a tale of suspense and...a rat?  Is this really a lost gem of the '80s?  Stay tuned...