Saturday, November 15, 2014

Rare Rip-Off Flix: Beaks- The Movie

Are you ready for a Rip-Off?  Today's Film is Beaks: The Movie, a 1987 Horror Film from bad movie auteur Rene Cardona Jr.  It's alright to say that- he did in 2003 and I doubt he'd care what I say now.  Seriously though, he made Guyana: Cult of the Damned and The Bermuda Triangle (among another 100 Films), so he has this coming.  So what is Beaks?  It is The Birds.  Duh.  It was apparently marketed as a Sequel- not to be confused with this one- in Italy.  It is in 'good company' with Ghosthouse as an Italian 'Sequel' that predates the real one.  Hurray?  This schlocky Film is all about bird attacks and...that's it.  The biggest Star here is Christopher Atkins, so...let's move on, shall we?
In case you doubt that this is a real film, the first Credit listed should assuage you.
Ha ha ha-word play.

Anyways, this lady is a Reporter looking for a real Story.  She's given bird attacks.
Since this is a movie, this happens- alot.  This Hunter guy gets attacked by a Falcon (his?) and loses an eye, but that's it.

Killing spree starting slow, huh?
This Film thinks that showing a Canary flying around in slow-motion is suspenseful.  Think about that for a second, won't you?
This guy is a Main Character now.  He hosts his Family at his House for a Birthday Party.  What could go wrong?
Meanwhile, Plot C involves this family scared by birds fluttering around in, wait for it, slow motion.
Since I have to make a Birdemic joke at least once, here's the family running across a Bus full of dead people and birds.  Did you watch this Film, James Nguyen?
So this Film pretty much just devolves into Set Pieces built around bird attacks.  You have hang-glider Pilot attacks (Poor Bastards of Cinema?), a Train (with our Leads on it) being attacked and the Party.

Look- when your only trick is women and children in peril for drama, you're cheating.
In the aftermath, the attacks stop Birdemic/The Happening-style.  The Film teases you with a lack of answers...until we learn that the next attack is...Bugs?  I think.  The End?
Damn, this is just kind of bad.  The Film has only a few ideas to really work with.  People talking about bird attacks.  Bird attacks.  People running from bird attacks.  That's pretty much it.  For about 90 minutes (100 in the Unrated Cut), that's it.  The attacks are made up of decent bird footage, cheesy bird footage played in slow-motion and random gore.  The Version I watched- on Streaming- is supposedly the cut down Version, so I can only imagine.  There's a bunch of a cheap-looking blood and guts in this Version- plus a random Boob Shot-, so who knows how much is in the other Version?  Other than the random gore and silly shots, this is pretty blah.  I will grant you this- the only Version I could find was in not-so-glorious 360p and was most likely a VHS-Rip.  You might have noticed.  Having said that, I don't think that this Film would be better-Written or Directed in HD.  Ultimately, this is a pretty nothing entry in the Killer Animals Sub-Genre, but it might be fun for Bad Movie Lovers.  If you want to see better stuff though, you have many other options...
Next up, a look back at a Comic Book Film that is getting more attention these days.  If at first you don't succeed with Keanu, go to NBC.  Stay tuned...

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