Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Project Terrible (Second Opinions): Air Collision

One more Second Opinion from me.  This time, it is my old pal- The Asylum.
Oh Asylum, what can you do right?  Today's Film is Air Collision, a Film reviewed by Bob in a previous Round.  What is it about?  Seriously?!?  You're asking what a Film called 'Air Collision' is about?!?  What are you-, nevermind.  In this Film, a serious of inexplicable and convenient circumstances that all happen to make a disaster happen.  Two planes- one of whom is Air Force One- are unable to be grounded when all of the Satellites around Earth start to explode.  Why?  Reasons- that's why.  You could always pretend that this is the actual result of all of those Satellites colliding in Space during Gravity if you want though.  Things only get worse when, well, everything that could possibly go wrong does just that.  Murphy's Law for the win!  Who can save the day?  If you guessed, 'The Cop from Die Hard,' you guessed...weirdly (and right).  He also has the help of the world's most useless Technician and a young Assistant who does...nothing at all.  He's screwed.  We're all screwed.  If you still want to see this Film after the Review, however, you won't be.  I won't SPOIL everything here- mostly because it is so damn silly.  This one falls somewhere between So Accidentally Hilarious That You Must See It and 'Eh, It Has Its Moments,' so some of you might want to see it.  To find out for sure, read on...
This is Reginald VelJohnson (seems like a nice guy).  This is Reginald VelJohnson trying to make you care about someone named 'Bob.'

Sorry- I had to go there, Bob.
All sorts of shit involving exploding Satellites and a rogue Computer Program controlling Air Force One happens and he tries to call in some help.

Nobody will help, even though this is a major disaster and they probably should.  Bye, Logic!!!
The flight for both planes don't go well.  This gives us plenty of 'Oh, the Set is totally shaking' Scenes.

To make the Film more fun, take a shot every time the Captain/Co-Pilot stand around doing nothing.
On Air Force One, the passengers are either stuck in their Rooms (take a shot when people can't get out of doors) or hiding.  This is all filler, so let's move on.
This is a Radar Screen.  This is...oh, right- I already did that joke.

In lieu of repetition, let me point out that the Passenger Plane loses power AND goes off-course, but somehow is still going to hit Air Force One.  That makes...sense?
While his Technician takes progressively-slower means of travel to do...nothing, the closest thing we have to a Hero is playing with old machines to help the planes.  They did this in American Warships (just with boats) too.  Weird.
I love how the AI controlling Air Force One has LASERS!  In this case, it stuns this lady.  In the next bit, it blows the lock off of the Cockpit Door.

It is good to know that the inconsistent laser technology carried over from Future Force.
I won't SPOIL everything here, but I will tell you the tale of 'Duck Dynasty' Guy- the man who can be sucked out of a Plane and reappear just fine within 3 minutes.  This is the kind of Film you're getting here.  The End.
It is The Asylum, so you know what to expect.  The Story is silly, full of Holes and mostly just a set-up for ridiculous stuff.  This is a Film where Air Force One has on-board lasers.  This is a Film where Satellite debris (from all over the atmosphere) only seems to fall in Los Angeles.  This is a Film where you can restart a Plane by just shaking the Controls angrily for a couple minutes.  This is a Film where nobody seems to do anything all that heroic or successful, but everything still seems to work out.  That is not to say that there are no people TRYING to help, but they almost never seem to do that well.  Reginald's biggest accomplishment is telling Air Force One to move away from the other Plane...about 25 seconds before they are about to hit.  The Technician travels slowly and doesn't exactly save the day.  The Pilots manage to crash land their plane (sort of)...but isn't that what they have been trained to do.  One odd thing about this Film is that it is pointlessly-cruel at times.  You get people dying at random intervals for seemingly no good reason.  Why does one guy get out of his seat while the Plane is in a nose dive?  Is it just so that he can be sucked out?  Why do we get more than one person on the Passenger Plane dying of natural causes?  For sheer, ludicrous entertainment value, this is a winner.  If you expect anything more than that, well, it is your fault for expecting that from Asylum Films by now.  As a bonus, keep an eye out for one Three Musketeers Actor appearing in a small role meant to copy Executive Decision.  Speaking of which, kudos to the research team behind their DVD blurbs...
Next up, I cover another Film by Rene Cardona Jr.  This time, you get killer birds and 'That Guy From The Blue Lagoon.'  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. The string of absolutely terrible luck in this film was amazing. It really takes a tortured and really forced path to get the air collision to even be a threat, considering that Air Traffic Control Bob is actually mostly successful and there are literally two planes left in the sky.

    SO much implausable happenstance. This is like the inverted form of all those movies where the heroes luck out in crazy this one, they get screwed up in all sorts of crazy ways.

    As much as the planes somehow remaining on collision course despite multiple instances where the civilian plane ended up totally out of control irked the heck out of me, I think the biggest "WHAT?" moment for me was when, because Air Traffic Control Bob was totally going to be able to solve the problem with his equipment at the control station, a giant flaming satellite death ball (tm) just so happened to hit the control station and wreck it.

    I would love to see the probability analysis of that happening. O_O