Thursday, August 22, 2013

#4 With Giant Animal: Croczilla

I would just stick to films about people flipping and kicking, China.  Not to offend the country that will one day control us, but I have to talk about Croczilla.  The first person to actually lash out is the U.S. Distributor of the film.  The movie was actually called The Million-Dollar Crocodile (translated into English, of course).  Why the change?  Well, it makes it sound like a schlocky film a la Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus or Sharknado.  It's not.  There actually is a film that it is like: Chawz.  Other than the film being Korean and about a giant Boar, it's mostly the same.  The plot involves a giant Crocodile (never explained) who runs amok in a small Chinese Village and has a ragtag crew out to get him.  The original title has to do with how it swallowed a bunch of money, since I guess it's worth death to get some Euros.  The film is a not-well-translated mess of a Monster Film and a Comedy.  To see the strange, end result of this, read on...
Oh and the poster's tagline is a giant lie: it never goes to Japan.  Ever.

Anyhow, we see in a flashback that this guy raised a CG Crocodile.  It's a lot easier than raising a real one, as it requires no food or sleep.
20 years later, it's gigantic.  How this is in an abandoned Zoo and not touring the country is anyone's guess.  Oh and Grandfather of the Year right here.
In Plot 2 of 8, this woman exposits that she worked for years to save up money to move with this guy.  When she finds that he's not been faithful, he dumps her on the side of the road.  Classy.
Plot 3 of 8 involves the local Cop- who's son is the one from earlier- who is called into investigate a crime.  What crime?
It is the worst crime: the theft of money.  It happens when the Crocodile eats the lady's purse (since it's Crocodile skin...ew) and the money inside.

You're a terrible predator.
After that, a good 80% of the movie is made up of people arguing, silly sight gags and more random 'comedy.'  Let's just hit the high notes...
The Croc Farmers decide to chase the creature to get the money.  You'd trust these guys, right?
Will the never-once-called-this Croczilla take out this bunch of losers and rule Japan like that Fortune Teller told it?
The fate of all of China rests on these two guys' shoulders.  You do the Math.  The End.
I wish I was laughing.  The film is not what it is being sold as.  It's a Comedy that is not exactly funny.  It's much less of a Creature Feature than it promises to be.  That said, there are some good Special Effects.  The money was well-spent when it comes to the titular Croczilla.  It's just a shame that there's not a good movie to really go with it.  If you like the insistent and wacky, you may have some fun with this.  This is less of a review and more of a warning.  If you see Croczilla on Streaming (via Netflix) and think 'This is looks like a fun Creature Feature,' think otherwise.  It's not completely without merit...but it's not even close to what it's sold as.  Let's see how the original Poster manages to be almost as silly as the American one...
Next up, we return to the world of Fortress.  With only Lambert on-board, it's time to go to Space.  Stay tuned...

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