Sunday, November 7, 2010

Lock Me Up!: The 7 Adventures of Sinbad

A whole week of Asylum films.  Seven days.  Seven films.  Seven different ways to drive myself to drink heavily.  Why do I do these things to myself?  No, seriously- I'm asking you!  The first one to come is one of the few that I managed to trick my friends (and fellow members) into watching with you.  Ha- the joke is on you!  This movie alleges to be a 'modern day update' on the classic Sinbad tale.  What is it really?  A bad, sci-fi film that makes The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (aka the one with the monkey) look like The Lord of the Rings (not animated).  Unfortunately, that leaves this film looking like, well, The Lord of the Rings (animated).  I hope you like terrible acting, terrible special effects and the sad state of Bo Svenson's career.  Seriously, he still much as he ever did.  Expectations low enough yet?  Get out your conservationist squid for my review of...
The film begins with a group of people on a ship being taken over by pirates.  Bear in mind that the ship is a giant tanker and the pirates approach on a single boat, but, whatever.  The takeover gets the attention of the company that owns the ship, a group owned by Adrian Sinbad.  Yes, they go with that name.  His co-owner is a Dick Cheney figure played by Bo, who doesn't do much.  Sinbad goes to pay off the terrorists, but has a back-up plan: a single pistol in his case.  That would be great...if there wasn't about a dozen armed people to face off with.  He flies over in a helicopter, accompanied by some men and his executive secretary of sorts.  Oh yeah, he's going in person too- dumb-ass.  The trip is interrupted by the sudden arrival of a giant squid that attacks the tanker, pulling it down to the bottom of the ocean.  Yes, screw physics of mass and weight!  A massive storm also comes up, causing the helicopter to crash.  Our hero wakes up on the beach and is attacked by...a CG crab with no eyes.  Seriously, how did you guys not give the thing eyes?  This leads to some of the silliest lines ever uttered in cinematic history: "Crab!  Big crab!"

Just think about that for a minute before we move on...
The whole crab scene has no bearing on the plot and is never mentioned again, making it, you guessed it, A Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.  He joins up with his former allies and...survivors of the ship that was pulled down to the sea.  How did you escape again?  They run into a jungle woman...who is very white.  You're not even trying are you, movie?  The group gets attacked by flying dinosaurs (get used to that this week) causing them to flee into a cave.  In it, they run into a poorly-rendered Cyclops.  Yeah, it just happens to live there.  Sinbad blinds it with a stick and, get this, waves at it to get its attention.  Ugh.  They kill it with a conveniently-placed stalagmite.  Apparently forgetting about the aerial threat, they go back outside (despite the earlier cave-in), leading to a silly reveal: the island is alive!  It swims away, leading to shots of the people falling just off-camera into water (get used to that too).  They manage to make it to another island, where they run afoul of tribal woman of the ethnic variety.  Proving that this film hates me, my joking suggestion that these were snake women is actually true.  This leads to the executive secretary lady dying in a stupid  You must have pissed off the director, honey!  The group is saved by the warrior woman killing the evil snake women, but things aren't over yet.
Basically, we pissed off Mother Nature.  How?  Well, that tanker is on the bottom of the ocean and leaking oil, driving the Earth to lash out.  Just to note: the squid brought it down, not man!  A series of storms and earthquakes strike the mainland, allowing The Asylum to re-use some footage of the damaged buildings from Monster.  Stop reminding me of that stupid, piece of shit movie!  During Sinbad's time away, Bo took over the company.  This goes nowhere, since the guy sort of renegs on his control before meeting his fate.  Okay, here's the short wrap-up.  The group runs afoul of a cult, a shoot-out occurs and they end up going into a volcano.  Basically, they need these magic crystals will allow them to escape and save the day.  Sinbad is lowered down by the girl and pulls the gems from the wall, but is interrupted by...THE DEVIL!  Seriously, they just kind of stole the Devil model from Doctor Who and stuck it in here.  This thing does nothing and is seemingly-killed alongside Sinbad when the girl detonates the roof.  Of course, Sinbad survives, being the hero.  They use the orbs to power a hot air balloon (great magic) and take a ship back to the mainland.  Bo decides to leave the safety of a building and gets killed by a typhoon while Sinbad and the girl go down to recover the tanker.  Can either of them really operate this machine?  No.  They try to recover the ship, but get stopped by the squid.  When it sees them suck up some oil, however, it leaves and they save the day.  The End.
This movie sucks...but I can't help but laugh.  The plot is stupid as hell, since it's an Asylum film.  The whole idea of putting Sinbad in a modern setting could work...if it's not an Asylum film.  Since the film can't overcome that glaring handicap, it's pretty much doomed.  The budget is super-small, the CG model work is bad and they can't hire good actors.  The lead is very forgettable and seems like the guy you hire when you can't get Lorenzo Llamas.  Mind you, that guy's probably not here since he was off filming some movie about a NAVY Seal who must battle giant cuttlefish or something.  The only amusing actor is the black Pirate Leader, since, as one of the other viewers noted, his acting consists of making angry faces at the camera.  It's The Rock School of Acting at its finest!  This movie is terrible, but it is hilarious to watch.  Aside from the crab scene, you have Sinbad waving at the blind Cyclops, the random dinosaurs and the whole thing with the magic gems.  There's also the random stuff like the guy who picks up Sinbad locking him in the cargo hold and ignoring his cries to look for the girl.  Literally a minute later (in screen time), he pops back in and says something along the lines of 'Come on out- we found the woman.'  It's truly a face-palm moment.  If you want to laugh at utter shit (hello, my core audience), you'll like this.  It's not good, but that's what makes it fun to laugh at.
Up next, Part 1 of a 2 Part look at the only real series of note put out by The Asylum.  If an alien shows up when nobody is watching, does it still make you turn into a pile of bones?  Stay tuned...

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