Tuesday, March 24, 2009

WTF Japan?!?: Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. The Undead

Japan is a weird place. We all know this to be true.
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Their movies are simply bizarre and mind-boggling at times. I could probably spend the rest of my life doing daily updates on their strange contributions to cinema. Let's start with a week and work from there. Today, I bring you...
Yeah, let's get right to the crazy stuff, huh? That's what I thought. This movie is about a group of high school students, zombies and sadistic teachers- a logical combination. Oh wait, no it's not.
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The plot is pretty simple...for about ten minutes. That is when it gets really f-ing complicated. A new young lady transfers to a High School as a mysterious virus is being spread. This turns the students and teachers into killer zombies. Oddly, they maintain their brain functions, albeit to a warped degree. It's more of a Resident Evil 4 zombie virus than a Resident Evil 3 zombie virus. Anyhow, the girls swim team is immune due to, wait for it, the chlorine in the water they practice in. All that burning of my eyes does pay off eventually!
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In all of the build-up to this, we get a sub-plot involving Aki and another girl. They casually chat in the shower- like we all do- and discover that they have matching birthmarks. We later learn that they are sisters, separated at birth. Immediately following this revelation, they have an approximately ten-minute long sex scene. Feel free to stop and ponder that. Also note that this takes right after a chase scene.
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The killing ensues, including a scene where a slutty teacher cuts all of a man's toes off and one with a flame-spitting teacher, and it sure is bloody. Not in that scary way though. It is really in more of that 'Troma' sort of way- silly, fake and dumb. Combined with the cheap 'handy-cam look,' these scenes are just odd.
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The plot gets thicker and in a damn hurry. The new girl was kidnapped by a mad scientist, repeatedly raped and trained to be an assassin. She fled and, evidently, the man followed her to kill her. But, we learn in the end that her 'sister' was actually another agent of the scientist. This is revealed after our heroine kills the man. But he is not dead. Okay, he is dead. But, he has a twin brother who immediately kills the other girl. Why? Good question. Our girl overcomes the odds and kills the other evil scientist. Hurray!
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Oh wait, the girl dies in the end while doing laps. Why? Because the sedative they used on her earlier has a warning label not to do strenuous activity for 8 hours after dosage. Oops. The End.
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This movie just mind-bogglingly weird. In addition, it is filled to the brim with fake blood and even faker boobs. Yes, I know that 'faker' is not a real word, but you would use it too in this case. The stars are both busty models who cannot act their way out of a paper bag. Check out the trailer here if you want. Just a note- there are topless women in the trailer. That is good/bad.
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More Asian oddities to come. Stay tuned...

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