Quick Reviews: The Hatching (2016)

If every Country can do Zombie Comedies (even Cuba), why not move on to doing Monster Movie Comedies too?

In the opening Scene, three Kids break into a Zoo, but one of them doesn't make it out!

After that shocking opening, we get thrown ahead to years later and see one of the kids returning home for the reading of his Dad's Will.

So this is just Black Sheep then?

There's something in the Moors.  Is it the same Crocodile from before?  Will it make them all stop binge drinking?

A Crocodile is eventually killed and everyone seems happy, feeling that all is well.

Have they not seen Jaws?

Of course, the real danger is not past.  Is there more than just a Crocodile behind all of this?

These guys are on the case, so...good luck with that.

To find out what happens, watch the Film.

Funny at times, although not enough throughout.  This is basically what would happen if you took Lake Placid and Shaun of the Dead, mixed them together and made a Film.  They are both popular Films (to many), so this seems logical.  Does it work?  Yes and no.  There are some good moments with the Crocodiles, although they are limited.  What you see of them usually looks quite good, so you get maximum results in their few appearances.  The Comedy aspect kind of works, although the Film straddles a line.  Shaun goes full Comedy for 3/4 of the Runtime before succumbing to Zombie Film Tropes- for better or worse.  Lake Placid is mostly played straight, but goes for the ridiculous stuff every so often (like foul-mouthed Betty White).  In this case, they try to constantly keep the Comedy and Horror going.  It is a 'dance' that is hard to do, but everyone seems to try.  I'm not condemning the Film- it just didn't quite do what it was trying to do.  If you like UK Comedies, this one may do more for you than it did for me.  Overall, The Hatching has some good moments, but can't quite commit to what kind of Film it wants to be.  Now let's keep the weird Credits thing going...

Kind of funny at times, but not consistent.  A good effort, but with mixed results for me.

Quick Reviews: She Was So Pretty

While the low-quality of She Kills put an end to my idea for the 'She Trilogy' of Reviews, I'll still give this low-budget Thriller a chance...

Before we learn anything about anything, this would-be Maniac stalks and kills a lady in a Car Garage in what looks like mid-day.

He also kills another lady before we get to the Plot, since I guess we're doubling down on the Opening Kill Trope.

His new target is this lady, who he is apparently going to stalk for the bulk of the Film.  Why not randomly-kill her like the last 2?

He seems really enamored with her and...can she see me?

She eventually goes out to the Quarry with her friends, where they meet Low-Budget John Saxon.  What is this Detective's game?

Will our Heroine survive this trip or be another trophy for Not-Joe-Spinell?  To find out, watch the Film.

Better than the last one, but still with some issues.  The biggest mark against She Was So Pretty is the Budget- plain and simple.  The Film was made for next to nothing and it shows.  Like I've said 4,000,007 times, a Film's Budget is not the biggest thing.  After all, Michael Bay has made $26 million and $210 million Films that I hated equally.  The Budget comes into issue with how the Film is shot, be it the sometimes-bad Lighting or the not-intentionally-shaky Camera.  I get it- you can't afford Studio Sets and proper Cameramen.  I'm not judging you or anything- just the final product.  The Actual Story is alright, but pretty threadbare.  The Acting is good at times, but never *that* good.  Nothing here is great enough to make the whole Film feel great.  The Atmosphere is really good at times and the sleazy work sometimes works.  All in all, She Was So Pretty is a flawed Film that will hopefully lead to a better one.  Take it away, 2nd Oddest Credit in recent Memory...

Good at times, but the Budget lets the Film down.  A good enough start, but definitely in need of some improvement.

TV on the Internet: DUI (Ash vs EVIL DEAD)

I might as well get to this early this week.  Gotta get them hits!

Ash is reeling from a big loss.  I'm not going to be that dick, of course, so no SPOILERS.

The Evil Dead has turned Ash's car against him!  How much lower can they stoop?!?

Will Pedro's vision of the Future turn out to be true?  He sure hopes not!

Can Ted Raimi make it another Episode without being violently-killed?

Can the two actual ass-kickers of the group get right to the source?  To find out, watch the Show.

Bad-ass stuff!  Ash vs Evil Dead continues to give us what we want.  Freaky monsters, dismembered bodies and a demon car.  What is not to love?  On top of that, we get a fun scene with Bruce and Ted being 'buds' and a freaky bit with Pedro.  It is all win here.  There are some good moments of funny here too, although the focus is more on Action and Gore.  Ash has to take a lesson from his Dad to heart, which is both endearing and kind of hilarious.  The Story takes a neat turn near the end (which I won't SPOIL) which will definitely take this in an interesting direction.  'DUI' is a good Episode that will definitely be important in the long run.  As a bonus, Bruce gets to act a little...

Next time, a big thing has happened in the Story.  Is it for the positive or the negative?  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: She Kills

Aw crap- another one of these!  Just when I thought I was done with Period-Style Horror Parodies...

After a bit right out of Virgin Spring, this Gang decides to make a move on our Heroine- a naive and busty blond.  They hold her Nerdy Cliche Boyfriend at bay.

In what is supposed to be funny (I guess), the Gang gets all worked up seeing this happen and...crushes this guy's head.

Ha?

They eventually leave, taking my patience for this thing with them.  I'll try to finish this though...

She somehow ends up with two Karate guys that end up knocking a Cat in a pie tin around...

...and she eventually goes to get revenge on the gang, showing off the fact that the Effects are no better than 8 years earlier in Damned.  Damn.

So yeah, I didn't get much out of this, so...um...enjoy this...

On the plus side, they got their fake Credits wrong.  Basically, this is if someone wrote a Script, sent it to Troma and they rejected it.  Something too dumb and ridiculous for them- just make it yourself.  The end result: a silly and dumb Movie trying to be an Homage to/Parody of stuff like Virgin Spring and Last House on the Left.  Natural source of Comedy, right?  They mostly just do weird, gross-out effects- yea?  It is bad.  It is really bad.  You can do crazy, random stuff like this and it can work- look at The Suckling.  You can also do crazy, random stuff like this and it won't work- just look at Dumpster Baby.  I don't like being the guy that hates Movies- I want to like them.  I just can't like this one.  It sucks.  It did at least give me the most random Film Credit Ever (so far)...

Disappointing and not helping my mood after Damned.  I don't know why I was supposed to laugh at any of this.

Quick Reviews: The Frozen Dead (1966)

Before you find out how you-know-who killed 6 months ago, find out about a more frosty variety of Dead...

In the late 60s, we learn that a secret group of Nazis has been working on an experiment- freezing their men Winter Soldier-style

They froze them 20 years ago for a later conflict, but are now having problems restoring them mentally after all this time.

As bad luck would have it, one of the Scientist's Nieces shows up to visit.

As good luck would have it, they need a recently-living brain to study with, so they use her friend for just that!

The result: she's now a 'brain that wouldn't die' being wired up to control dead limbs.  Ouch.

Another Scientist- a good, hunky one- shows up and ends up working reluctantly with the Nazis.  He is somehow not a bad guy, since he...doesn't follow through with it.

In the End, our Heroine learns the truth, but is saved by her friend making the zombie arms choke the Nazis.  How often do you read THAT sentence?

In a dark final shot, the forcibly-alive head begs to be buried.  Ouch.  The End.

Banal stuff, especially considering the topic.  The whole thing is an odd example of choosing what to focus on in a Story.  The Story involves secret Nazis trying to revive freeze-dried Soldiers...but it focuses on them covering up the murder of the Niece's friend.  They spend ALOT of time showing just how they do it and how they have to keep it up.  The Film is still good- the focus is just all wrong.  You have Frozen Nazis that are practically Zombies, but let's focus on this!  I guess it is better than some Films like this where they just gloss over something like that.  Is too much focus on something as bad as not enough focus on it?  With that out of the way, I will say that the Film actually has some good Acting, good Writing and some genuinely-freaky effects.  The frozen bodies look neat and real enough for the Film.  The parts with the head are especially effective.  They are genuinely-disturbing at times!  The final Shot of the Film with the head begging to be buried is quite sad.  In summary, good ideas, great concept...but kind of an odd focus on one aspect over another.  While this is probably too dark to play on Svengoolie, it does remind me of the Inner Sanctum Mysteries guy a bit with its disembodied head...

An odd mix of Mystery and Horror, with one overtaking the other.  The focus on the cover-up is kind of an odd one, but the Film still works.

Quick Reviews: Isle of the Damned (2008)

Sometimes you're just better off not seeing the Films that linger in your Netflix Queue.  For example...

Basically, this Film is a Parody of stuff like Cannibal Holocaust.  By that, I mean they blatantly copied the real Story.

The Film has a fake warning attached, although the terrible low-budget gore is horrifying for a number of reasons.

What actually DOES need a Warning is a fact that this COMEDY jumps right to attempted child molestation in the first 5 minutes!

Getting past that, the Plot involves a P.I. going to Argentina to look for Drake's Treasure.  He's dubbed intentionally-bad by a black Actor, because...funny?

There are some genuinely-kind-of-funny parts where they copy Holocaust in the early parts...

...but the rest is just the same, annoying joke for 80 minutes.  I stopped at 40.  Here's a rendering of what it felt to watch this.

Damn- this sucked.  It really, really sucked.  While I should be something of good Horror Comedies, I'm thinking of Nosferatu vs Father Pipecock and Sister Funk.  Ouch.  I get it- you like Italian Cannibal Films.  You think that overdubbing is hilarious.  You think that $5 blood effects are great.  You want to be Sam Raimi.

You're not.  This just sucked.  It sucked long and it sucked hard.  This can be done right.  I direct you to this (and to a lesser extent the Sequel)...

Eegad, this one is bad!  It is just intentionally-goofy and intolerable nonsense.  Skip!

Almost Heroes: Joey and Taryn (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3- Dream Warriors)

Another week of people *nearly* proving to be the Heroes of their Story.

In A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, kids targeted by Freddy learn that they can shared-dream and...

Use powers that they wish for in the Dream World.  It took Heather TWO FILMS to think of this.

While none truly live up their potential, I'm going to focus on two of them.  First up, Joey aka The Wizard Master.

Next is Taryn, who's Dream Master form is...her with knives.  Dreaming big!

Joey uses his magic powers to blow up a wheelchair, but Freddy kills him all the same.

As for Taryn, she cuts Freddy...who promptly turns his hand into IV Needles and kills her.

Oh well- they tried to be Heroes.  They have better luck in the tie-in Comics made later.

I guess more people had to die to make the quota- it's just a same that it comes at the cost of these two.