Mondo Week: Panic Beats

Now that the lesbians and the crazy people are gone, let's take a trip to Spain. One of the million Paul Naschy films out there is...

Panic Beats

Paul here was the Jesus Franco of relatively-good Spanish horror films. Unlike the artistically-challenged auteur, his films at least feel professional. Both Spaniards did make films that were just freaking strange though. This is the case today.

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This movie is basically a horror/soap opera, mixed with some ghost story and slasher elements. Wow, that sounds simple, right? Yeah, it's a big mess of a plot. It's not terrible though, just hard to decipher. Speaking of hard to decipher, check out the opening of this movie.

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A naked woman running through the forest. Okay, interesting choice. We quickly learn that she is being chased by a man in armor on a horse. Sucks to be her, evidently. In true horror movie fashion, she trips and is attacked by his flail. Her death is so violent that it triggers the title screen.

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We cut to the present where Paul is taking his wife out into the woods. We learn that she is very rich and he is most assuredly not. Paul- looking a lot like John Belushi here- gets a flat tire and is attacked by bandits. Wow, this is the exact same scene from Werewolf Shadow, except you are the one in peril this time. That's very clever, pal.

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The gist of the movie is that Paul's wife has a heart condition and needs some R&R. They go to Paul's family estate which is allegedly haunted by a ghost- the villain from the beginning- and features a painting of our hero as Vigo the Carpathian. As time goes by, the wife begins to get scared frequently and nearly dies. It all climaxes in the visage of our ghost villain appearing and pushing her over the edge. Bad luck. So, how do you feel, Paul?

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Oh, you're happy, because this was all part of a plan to kill her off that you made with the maid. But, she doesn't like you either and plots your death with a mysterious man over the phone? Bad choice, Paul. Despite hearing her do this later on, he still falls prey to the 'toaster in the bathtub' trick.

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The finale of the movie is chock full of violent deaths and crazy ghost appearances. It ends with our mischievous and malicious heroine attempting to leave the estate. However, the real ghost rises from his grave and gives her a violent death. Every good person and bad person dies. The End.

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Yeah, this is another interesting recommendation. Those who can stomach the retro gore and frequent nudity may enjoy it. Much like Dario Argento's 'Opera,' the film is very dark in tone and does not end in the most happy of ways. Naschy himself even admits this in the interviews packed onto the Mondo Macabro disc. This is a less accessible Spanish horror film than say "The Loreley's Grasp" or "Return of the Evil Dead." It's worth a rental for those who think it sounds interesting.

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Four more movies to go. Will we see sex traps, Satanic ceremonies and scientific shibari? Probably. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: The Mansion of Madness

Now that we've got the pseudo-lesbians out of the way, let's get to some crazy people. Let's take a look at...

The Mansion of Madness

A little history for you guys. The Marquis De Sade was one messed up guy. He was placed in an Asylum for his crazy thoughts, although he continued to write. He famously wrote a play called Marat/Sade bout the inmates running the Asylum, which was not received well.

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Oh and despite what the movie keeps insisting, this is not based on an Edgar Allen Poe tale. Watching bizarre cinema as much as I do, this is something that happens a lot. Basically, the movie was retitled to sound like a Poe tale- much like Corman's The Conqueror Worm. We know though.

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A French journalist is sent on assignment to check out an asylum that has been noted for it's extremely unique treatment style. He runs into an old friend and his daughter, so they go with him. While he goes on the tour, the crazy guards attack his friends. This leads to a humorous/freaky scene where the man tries to flee through the woods while wrapped in a potato sack. Go man, go!

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The comparisons to the Marquis' Marat/Sade is evident in the mid-point of the movie. It is basically a random collection of crazy people in different rooms under the pretense of 'seeing the facility.' Crazy guy covered in tar who thinks he is a chicken? Check. Patients placed in glass cages for some reason? Check. People wearing very fancy head-wear? Big check.

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Eventually, our hero figures out the truth. The real doctor has 'checked out' and the place is being run by a patient who looks like The Who's Roger Daltrey. He is locked up by the man and invited to the big climactic dinner scene. His friends- the girl is named Eugenie, another De Sade play- show up again. A big battle breaks out and all is right again with the world. Well, as right as it can be at an Asylum in the middle of the woods.

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Like Girl Slaves, this is not an easy recommendation. The film starts out a little slow, introducing all the characters. It hits its stride during the tour and ends in a very big way. The rampant nudity- done as an eccentricity and not involving sex- and insane behavior is certainly not going to be everyone's cup of tea. If you like absurdity and have an open mind, check this one out. If you aren't into either though, you may not like much of my stuff from Mondo Macabro.

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We're only just getting started. Magic spells, manic ghosts and...murder. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay

I love Mondo Macabro. That is all. Okay, there is a little more. Check out all their titles at www.mondomacabrodvd.com. I'm going to give you a week-long sample of their works. Let's start off strong with...

Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay

Only Europe could bring us a movie like this- plain and simple. I should start off by discussing the title picture's claims. Is this a 'classic?' I don't know about that. Is it erotic? Is women rubbing over each other for 90 minutes erotic? Is it a 'horror' film? Not really. There is a scene of a woman being scared, but it is not for any reason you could possibly guess.

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The movie begins with a woman in very, very light bondage. Wearing pretty much no clothes- get used to it- her arms are lightly wrapped in ribbons. They explain that she is going to be kicked out for not obeying the rules. Kicked out of where? You'll see.

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Our real heroine shows up in a mysterious village while out on vacation. with her friend She finds it curious that all of the women there are old. Where are the youths? More importantly, where is her pseudo-lesbian friend.

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A quick boat ride across the lake answers one of her questions. A large castle is being run by the infamous Morgana Le Fay (spoiler?) and her favorite midget. The place is full of young, buxom women who wear negligees and pose like they are on an album cover. Our heroine is quickly taken in and bathed in the middle of the room by a trio of women. Sorry, if you want to see that, rent the movie.

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The movie spends a lot of time showing women making out and rubbing all over each other while someone plays the lute off-screen. It keeps going and going and going. So the movie does have its upsides. Ultimately though, it is a strange, trippy mess. It won't make sense and very little is explained. Our heroine leaves the island after learning that the stay's cost would be her soul. The End.

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No, not really. After fleeing, she goes into town and sees the old women. After a couple minutes of thought, she decides that eternal good looks is a better thing to have than a soul. The End.

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Wow, that was something. That is the best way to describe it, I think. Lots of naked women, very little plot and a French midget. That is a formula that probably works very well for some people. As for me, well...one of them is nice. No, it's not the midget. This is also the Special Edition DVD, which is a big 'screw you' to every other DVD release of this film. Take that, inanimate objects!
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More weird, Foreign insanity to come. Killers, witches and Tarkan- oh my. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast III

Well, most of the group is dead...again. They're still trying to get out of Dodge, but hope is pretty slim. Since this is a horror film, I'm sure they'll be fine in...

Feast III: The Happy Finish

The movie opens with a quick recap of the violent deaths from the end of 'Feast II,' including a midget being torn in half and a man getting a pipe shot through his head. To top it all off, the monsters kill Honey Pie. In a bit of the movie's 'humor,' we see the monster knock her head off, eat it and crap it out. Thanks, movie.

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After their last attempt to get inside the sheriff's office failed, the second midget does the old cartoon trick of walking with a trash can over his head. It pretty much works, as well as any plan works in a 'Feast' movie. They all make it inside, including the man with a new 'head pipe.' He actually lives throughout most of the movie. Go figure.

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During a desperate moment, a new hero arrives called- seriously- S#!tkicker. He gives them words of wisdom and assures the group that everyone will survive. Anyone that read my review of the original Feast knows what is going to happen. Yeah, he dies, this time in a random accident with a gun. That's only clever once, movie!

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The group makes it outside anyways and gets to a bus. That turns out to be a red herring, however, as it runs out of gas in about twenty seconds. They are saved by a robed prophet who turns out to be...well, I won't spoil it. Sufficed to say, it is worse than the reveal in Crimson Rivers II: Angels of the Apocalypse. On his advice, they flee into the sewers. Now it gets really bad.

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The film is barely watchable at this point- and I don't mean because of the bad writing, characters and humor. You can't see most of what happens, save for a few times when a new character lights the way with glowing bottles. Man, I wish I was joking. While this effect is probably realistic, it is also annoying as crap.

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A couple new people are introduced, including a kung-fu expert called- seriously- Jean-Claude Seagal. He gets slowly killed by monsters for being stupid. In fact, most of them get killed. Only the car salesman's girlfriend, the second midget and, shockingly, the Bartender make it to the other side. This leads us to the most pointless, stupid and ridiculous ending since Blood Freak: a giant robot comes out and crushes the girl and the midget. He walks off- only being shown once due to budget constraints- and a lone mariachi singer begins to sing a song about the plot of the movies. Shoot me now.

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Yeah, I can't reccomend this movie. Not only does the dark humor fall flat even more, the characters feel even more stilted and the action feel lazier, but you can't see most of the last half of the film. It reminds me of another terrible movie- Monster A-Go-Go. Like that movie, the ending killed any semblance of enjoyability. It takes talent to kill a movie series so quickly and definitively. Good job, Mr. Gulager. May you never work again.

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Let's take a week-long journey into the Macabro. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast II

When we last left our heroes...well, most were dead. A couple survived and went into town. Little did they know that trouble would follow them in...

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds

The film begins with an angry biker lady showing up and dragging the Bartender by force. See, I told you that he would be back. They arrive in town and discover that the monsters are there too. But, before we get to that, let's introduce eighteen new characters.

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Yeah, that narrative pretty much grinds to a halt for about twenty minutes or so there. Basically, you get two midget key-makers, a used car salesman, his wife, her lover, the sheriff, the town drunk and numerous other corpses. They give a small role to Tom Gulager, who is the brother of the director and the son of 'The Bartender.' Do we have enough Gulagers in the movie yet?

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Finally, once the gang gets into town, they do battle with the monsters, who are finally visible in broad daylight. Wow, there's no way they can ruin this.

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What follows is lots of dark humor (including the wrestlers' mother slowly decaying from monster acid) and bodily fluid scenes. A nearly ten minute scene involves our surviving heroes doing an autopsy on one of the monsters. Why? Good question. If you ever wanted to see people get pissed on by a giant, latex monster, this is your movie though. We also get a scene where the Bartender beats the snot out of Honey Pie (the blood-soaked waitress) because she left him for dead. It's not like he was lying on the ground dead with his throat ripped out. Oh wait, he was.

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The biggest problem with the movie is the plot. The Biker Queen and her companions want to kill Balthazar Getty's character for using the Biker lady as a bomb in the last movie. Sounds plausible, right? So what is the payoff? Um...there is none. Other than the drunk being beaten up for being the guy's uncle, we get nothing. Mr. Getty was too busy to make this movie, I guess. So a gross movie with no payoff to the story. Well, it can't get any worse. Hold on...

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After numerous outdoor scenes, the movie stages the last twenty minutes or so on the roof of a building. This is accomplished by the worst green screen effect since the last cable access commercial you've seen. 'The Soup' is more convincing. They could not shoot on an actual roof after the dozen or so scene shot outside earlier? Oh, that and the movie ends in mid-battle. What is this- Shaolin vs. the Evil Dead?

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This movie could have been really good. Instead, they lost what little subtlety they had and made a Troma film. While I like actually seeing the monsters, I did not need to see their monster genitals and internal organs. I could have lived without that, Mr. Gulager. 'Feast II' disappoints as it impresses. That is a curious achievement in fimmaking. If you see want to see really bad filmmaking, check out the sequel...to the sequel.

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More giant, ugly monsters and uglier people. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast

A man had a dream- to make a gory, old-school horror film. Thanks to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's 'Project Greenlight,' he got his chance. Things got complicated for him when his producers- the Weinstein brothers- split from the Miramax company. What would happen to his film now?!?

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Well, it came out and they made two sequels. Since I just watched the 'finale,' you get to know about them. Let's begin today with...

Feast

The film begins simply enough with a bunch of people in a bar. Name captions and descriptions pop up for them, giving you the first clue that this movie is going to be a bit different.

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The casting is also unique, mixing Jason 'Jay' Mewes, Balthazar 'I'm only famous for my affair' Getty and Krista 'Forget that I used to do porn' Allen. It also stars Judah Friedlander, who most people know as the fat guy who wears the funny hats on '30 Rock' and alt-rocker-turned-host Henry Rollins. The other interesting bit of casting is Clu Gulager, who is the father of the director. You'll see a lot of him.

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The movie starts off fast and furious, with a tiny creature breaking in and killing off a couple notable cast members. They finally lock it up and shoot it to death. Unfortunately, they learn that it was only a baby and the parents are outside. A hero...called Hero shows up and says that they will make it out alive. He is promptly killed 'Deep Blue Sea'-style by a monster. Fortunately for them, a second one- his girlfriend- shows up a little later and manages to live past her speech.

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Things never really slow down too much and for too long. Some people get messed up bad while many others die. The film's dark humor is prevalent throughout. Part of the finale involves a plan that most people would despise in real life. They tie one of the dead women to a plank and cover her in explosives. She is sent out to lure them over to their death. Two problems: she is not dead and the bomb is not too reliable. The lady wakes up in time for the beasts to go 'Law & Order: SVU' on her for a while before they finally get the explosive to work.

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The survivors escape and live happily ever after. Or do they?!? Well, there is a sequel, so the answer is 'no.'

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'Feast' is hard to recommend to a casual audience. It is dark, strangely-funny and full of gore. The tone alternates strangely from fear to sight-gag-related humor throughout. A more experienced filmmaker would have balanced it better. Despite all that, it has a weird charm to it. You can do worse than 'Feast.' Of course, you'll learn that soon enough.

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More 'Feast' to come. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Defenders of the Earth

Kids shows are often rife with ridiculous characters, silly writing and crazy scenarios. What I find amazing is how even in shows like this, some things can still stand out as strange. Let's start off strong with a favorite of mine...

Defenders of the Earth

I love this show, but it has one of the most patently ridiculous premises ever. Before I get to the two crazy moments, let me put it all in perspective.

*Flash Gordon- Earth-man who goes to Mongo to save his planet from the evil Ming.

*The Phantom- One of a clan of men who keep the jungle safe from evil men.

*Mandrake- a famous stage magician who also keeps evil magic at bay.

*Lothar- a large, black adventurer who is very strong.

These men formed a team- alongside their children- to battle Ming the Merciless who had resumed his attacks on the Earth. Does this sound normal to anyone? I didn't think so. So, with that in mind, here are the two craziest things.

1) In a late episode, it begins with a scientist explaining a world-wide warning system. He explains that if it ever goes off, it means that a great danger is loose. About ten seconds later, the alarm goes off. His companion shouts "What is that?!?"

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Were you even listening? What is the point in giving you expositional dialogue if you aren't listening? Aargh!

2) In the pilot episode, the heroes unite to save Flash's wife Dale from Ming's clutches. They stop him, but it is too late to save her life. With her life energy sucked out and placed into a crystal, Lothar's son suggests that they use the crystal to power their computer.

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Seriously? You are going to use a dead woman's life energy to power your computer. Who do you think you are- Doctor Venture?!? But wait, there's more.

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Flash, rather than slapping the kid in the face, says that it is a great idea. Wow, you're stone cold harsh, man. To summarize, a woman is killed, her life energy is placed in a crystal and she is used as a power source. This show is marketed towards children. Wow...just, wow.

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More freaky stuff from our youth coming up. Stay tuned...

Fun Facts: Bela Lugosi

Given that I am a giant nerd, I thought that I should share some fun tid-bits of information with you. Just to slowly turn you into what I have become. Think of this like a knowledge cocoon. Wait! Don't do that! That's just weird.

Anyhow, today's factoids relate to one man: Bela Lugosi

*Bela got famous in America for doing the stage version of Dracula. He was cast in Tod Browning's film after their original lead became unavailable. How? He died.

*Bela got the role instead of Lon Chaney Sr. on account of said death. Ironically, who would star in 'Son of Dracula?' Lon Chaney Jr. That's planned continuity right there, people!

*Two of the famous horror mannerisms come from Bela's movies.
1)The 'Dracula walking with cape in front of face' cliche: it was inspired by the 1931 Dracula film, but really got used a lot in Plan 9 From Outer Space, due to the blatant use of a fill-in for Bela...on account of death.
2)The Frankenstein shamble: while the monster always walked like a drunk, it became moreso in 'Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman.' Why? Because in 'Ghost of Frankenstein,' Ygor switched his brain with the beast's. Their blood type was not compatible, rendering him blind. All dialogue that would explain this was cut.

*Bela died a pennyless man whose only friend was a hack named Ed Wood. Wait! That's not funny at all. My bad.

*Bela only plaid Count Dracula twice on film. Once was in the iconic horror film and the other...was in 'Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.' No, really.

*After having his dialogue cut because of his thick Hungarian accent in 'Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman,' Bela would later go on to play Mr. Wong in 'The Mysterious Mr. Wong' and Dr. Mirakle in 'Murders in the Rue Morgue.'

That's enough for now. More fun facts and strange actors to come. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Battle Royale

This is the last one, so enjoy it while you can. I mean, sure it's going to be a regular update in the future, but...it's still important. Dammit. Today's film combines Japan's two favorite things: children and murder. That's all I really need to say, isn't it. I bring you...

Battle Royale

The title gives you the idea that this will be a fun, bombastic adventure. It most definitely is not. It is not a walk in the park, but it is by no means fun. Don't let the Godzilla-style title screen fool you.

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Japan's economy in crisis and the children are rebelling. The people in charge come up with a great plan to solve this. To instill fear and respect, they randomly pick one class of students, send them to an island and make them hunt the most dangerous game- man.

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The kids are given a set of collars that will blow up if they go into hot spots- the bad kind, not the wi-fi ones- or fail to kill each other in three days. Needless to say, a lot of people get killed. Some of them are hesitant, while others take to murder like flies to honey.

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Almost all of the nice kids are killed, while a pair of ringers do a lot of killing. One of them is said to join the BR program for his love of killing. What a nice guy. On top of that, their former teacher is the Saw-like leader of the murder weekend. He does it because they were mean to him. The actor playing him is scary in the way he never emotes at all, choosing to play the role with a deadly sense of calm. Wait, did I just praise a guy for not acting in a movie?

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They try to give you a semblance of a happy ending, with one couple surviving and even killing their oppressors. Hur-ray? All of your friends have died violent deaths at each other's hands, but at least you are together. Jerks.

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This movie is just plain odd. It is very un-subtle in its commentary on society (despite everyone touting this fact) and very direct in its murders. A pair of girls are killed by a crazed students with an Uzi when they call for peace. What is the message of this movie? It's okay for people to kill each other as long as you don't? I don't get it, movie. Then again, maybe I just don't want to.

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Back to some non-Japanese films for a while. They will still be strange though, so don't worry. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai

After all this time, crazy stuff continues to boggle my mind. This film is no exception. I was expecting a lot of weird, but it still managed to shock me. This is...

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai

I must preface the review by stating that this was my first Pink film. This was a while before "Assault! Jack the Ripper." Still, it is backflipping-Beowulf crazy!

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A secret terrorist group is doing a business deal in a Japanese diner late at night. I guess there aren't any abandoned factories nearby. After a long night on the job, our eponymous hooker enters the establishment. A dispute arises and a shootout follows. In the process, Sachiko is shot in the center of her forehead. The end.

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No, I'm just kidding. She lives somehow and ends up with the desired object as well. Sachiko begins to go through some changes as a result of this, the most notable is a dramatic increase in her intelligence. This does not stop her from having sex with a lot of random men, it just changes the reasons for it. You can't keep a good whore down.

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Let's get to the really crazy stuff now. The object that these men killed each other over is a cloned copy of George W. Bush's trigger finger. It also red, white and blue. Just go with me, people. Throughout the film, she has numerous hallucinations involving our last President as a result. The 'high point' of the movie is where she uses her control over the digit to...um...take care of business. It is weird, trippy and slightly macabre.

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It is hard to recommend this movie to anyone with dignity, common sense or a strong sense of logic. Honestly, if the film had been more about satire and less about sex, I would easily recommend it to you. Whenever you think that creativity is gone out of cinema, stuff like this comes along. Whether it is a good or bad thing is up to you.

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One more to go. How can I end this series on a high note? Two words: Battle Royale. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: 964 Pinocchio

Leave it to Japan to mess with a classic children's fairy tale. Of course, as we learn when we get older, there is some twisted elements to them. These guys just amp those up and make you feel even more awkward. Please enjoy...

964 Pinocchio

You're scared already, aren't you? Well, be afraid-be very afraid. Since I do so much writing already, I'm going to bow briefly to Wikipedia here...

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"Released in 1991, 964 Pinocchio Japanese Cyberpunk film is filmmaker Shozin Fukui's big cyberpunk anthem. It deals with the theme of brain-modified sex slaves as well as mental breakdowns in a hallucinogenic thrill ride."

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Yeah, this is real. Much like the animated version of 'Titanic', we almost wish it wasn't. No amount of wishing will work this time, kids. In fairness, it is not the first time that Pinocchio has been sent to the future or been made creepy. Even so, this is another level. More Wikipedia, since I don't want to stain my hands any more.

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"Pinocchio 964 is a memory-wiped sex slave who is thrown out by his owners for failure to maintain an erection. It is unclear in what ways he has been modified beyond having no memory and being unable to communicate."

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Even I'm a little speechless. Take note of this historical event for the one time it will happen. Lesbian schoolgirls fighting zombies or anthropomorphic businessmen are nothing, but this...wow. The idea of this alone haunts my dreams a little. Even the brave writers at Wikipedia are afraid to say too much about it. After two paragraphs of plot, we get this...

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"After that, it gets weird."

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Gee, thanks for the information guys. So yeah, this is a strange movie that even I barely want to touch with 3,000,000,000-foot pole. Yeah, that was a little Freudian there. It should be noted that the director of this film worked on Tetsuo: The Iron Man as part of the crew and followed this film up a few years later with, seriously, Rubber's Lover. Yeah, I'm going to pass, thank you.

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More Japanese insanity to come. How can I top this? Two words: cloned finger. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Godzilla vs. Hedorah

Even giant, fire-breathing lizards can be weird as hell. That came out wrong. Today's film is...

Godzilla vs. Hedorah

There are a couple things to get out of the way now. First off, this is from the 'Godzilla: Savior of mankind' era in Toho. The giant monster is friendly-ish to humans and only fights monsters to protect us. He's sort of like Mothra, only less gay. I kid. Second, this movie is full of experimental imagery and film-making. You have been warned.

The movie begins with a cartoon. Say it with me once and forever: WHAAA?!? Yeah, it begins with a cartoon narrated by a kid, talking about how much we pollute. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a hoot. This all leads us to our big monster- Hedorah.

He's one ugly 'mutha.' He starts off small, but grows into a big, Cthulu-looking weirdo. But it gets weirder. He has three forms: a swimming form, a land-mass form (shown above) and a flying form. Yeah, you read that. Just pretend that it makes sense and move on.

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The plot is, well, pretty simple. The monster Hedorah is loose and destroying civilization because it is upset. The irony, of course, being that he attacks waste sites even though he would not exist without them in the first place. Wow, existential thought in a Godzilla movie. Who knew?

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Many quirky things happen in this movie. One scene involves a bunch of young drunks in a bar. They are dancing around to disco music while one of them is tripping. He pictures them all with giant fish heads. This is followed by Hedorah unleashing his toxic slime into the place a la "The Blob." Incidentally, there are quite a few violent deaths in the movie from this substance. Combine that with the cartoons and child character in the lead and you have one confused movie.

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Let's get this out of the way. You all just want to see this moment. I can't blame you. Take it away, clip.

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The bottom line: this movie is just strange. Godzilla saves people? A sludge monster morphs into a jet? The monster has two 'balls' ripped out of it that are not its eyes? Why the hell not? Just throw it all in there movie. It's not like we will stop watching.

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More Japanese insanity to come. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Assault! Jack the Ripper

Who doesn't love sex and violence? We all do. That is why we all love movies like...

Assault! Jack the Ripper!

First off, this is a Japanese film, so no British doctor-turned-crazed-killer makes an appearance. We do get a male killer with a similar method of murder though, so it is not all false promises.

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It all begins with a man and a woman driving in the rain. One of them is sort of bitchy and the other is pretty weak-willed. They pick up a crazy lady who proceeds to rip off her top and cover her torso in cake frosting. No, seriously. She gets even stranger when she cuts her arm and whips out a set of razor blades. They kick her out, but she won't take the hint. In the process of trying to ditch her, they accidentally run her over.

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After ditching the body, the two proceed to have wild sex. They hook up the next night, but the passion is gone. The girl figures out the problem pretty quickly- they need to kill again. By the way, this scene features a horrible-and unpaid- endorsement for Coca-Cola.

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The violence escalates very quickly and the guy gets really into the killing. But, he begins to stray. No, he does not feel remorse, silly. Instead, he begins to kill people on his own and not follow up the death by screwing her. That son of a bitch! Long story short- he kills a lot more people and then her.

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This movie is all about two things: subtlety and sex. This is summed up best by a later bit of dialog from the crazy girlfriend. She says "It's been ten days. It has been ten days since we f#$!ed!" It truly has.

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The movie is mostly about sex, which is a bit off-putting. Not to mention the whole story about rampant rape and murder. This is part of the Violent Pink movement from Japan which is...curious and odd. More on that later.

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Coming up next: Making a jet out of crap. Stay tuned...

Escaping the Blast- Angela Bassett

It's one thing to escape starring in a bad sequel. It is another thing to escape the blast of a bad fourquel. Our subject today managed to do just that...

Angela Bassett

While not the biggest name in Hollywood, she is a multi-award nominee. She has a Golden Globe and has even been nominated for an Oscar. But that didn't happen yet.

As an unknown, she had a whole run of guest spots on shows including Spencer for Hire, The Cosby Show and Alien Nation. This led to her big role in Kindergarten Cop...as a Stewardess. Swing and a miss.

Her first lead role comes in 1991's...

She plays the 'tough as nails' pilot of the salvage ship that ends up with the pod full of critters. Thankfully for her, she is one of the three survivors.

In the next couple of years, she appeared in numerous TV shows- like The Flash- and a couple little films like Boyz in the Hood, Malcom X and Waiting to Exhale. Good save, honey.

In 1993, she portrayed Tina Turner in What's Love Got to Do With It? and got her Golden Globe and Oscar nomination.

To this day, she works pretty regularly in solid, supporting roles. Though, to me, she will always be that sassy space pilot who won't take no crap from any animatronic puppet!

More survivors coming. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Executive Koala

How do you follow up topless schoolgirls fighting zombies in between incestual make-out sessions? With cute animals. I bring you...

Executive Koala

This is another one that simply blows my mind. Like a lot of these movies, it is just hard to get what the point of it was. Maybe it is just simpler to say that there was none.

A Koala man is an ad executive in a major company. I lost you already, didn't I? Try to stay with me, people. Our hero is troubled by his past, so much so that he has trouble with his new girlfriend and his shrink. His previous girlfriend, you see, was murdered. One detective believes that the mammal did it. Did he?

Let's get this part out of the way now. There are three animal people in the movie. Just three. The lead, his boss and a shop owner. Everyone else is a normal person. At only point does a human react strangely to all of this. Moving on...

The whole thing builds and builds towards the idea that the Koala did do it. They even show it happening. Oh wait, that was a scene from a movie shoot about the murder. Never mind. After some hypnotic regression, the Koala feels that he did do it and confesses. Plus, he kills his rabbit boss and therapist.

Through a very elaborate and confusing bit of exposition, we learn that a previously-seen Korean businessman was actually, wait for it, the ex-boyfriend of his dead fiancee. Evidently, she sent him a letter about how the Koala beat her. Is that true? Well, yes and no. I'll explain.

He did beat her, but he did it for a good reason. Her descendants, you see, were hunters of koalas over a hundred years ago. As a koala, his ancestral memories made him attack her. She faked her own death as part of a very elaborate revenge scheme alongside her Korean ex. They are both killed by our hero in the fight, but come back. How? By using the secret 'Resurrection' technique, duh! They eventually all make peace as the sun comes up. Say it with me: Huh?

As much as I can make jokes about this movie, it was never boring. It was weird as hell, but something was always happening. That should count for something, I suppose. If this movie sounds interesting to you, you can watch it in its entirety on YouTube...until someone wakes up and pulls it.

Coming up: sex robots, ass-blades and pet detectives. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. The Undead

Japan is a weird place. We all know this to be true.

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Their movies are simply bizarre and mind-boggling at times. I could probably spend the rest of my life doing daily updates on their strange contributions to cinema. Let's start with a week and work from there. Today, I bring you...

Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. The Undead

Yeah, let's get right to the crazy stuff, huh? That's what I thought. This movie is about a group of high school students, zombies and sadistic teachers- a logical combination. Oh wait, no it's not.

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The plot is pretty simple...for about ten minutes. That is when it gets really f-ing complicated. A new young lady transfers to a High School as a mysterious virus is being spread. This turns the students and teachers into killer zombies. Oddly, they maintain their brain functions, albeit to a warped degree. It's more of a Resident Evil 4 zombie virus than a Resident Evil 3 zombie virus. Anyhow, the girls swim team is immune due to, wait for it, the chlorine in the water they practice in. All that burning of my eyes does pay off eventually!

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In all of the build-up to this, we get a sub-plot involving Aki and another girl. They casually chat in the shower- like we all do- and discover that they have matching birthmarks. We later learn that they are sisters, separated at birth. Immediately following this revelation, they have an approximately ten-minute long sex scene. Feel free to stop and ponder that. Also note that this takes right after a chase scene.

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The killing ensues, including a scene where a slutty teacher cuts all of a man's toes off and one with a flame-spitting teacher, and it sure is bloody. Not in that scary way though. It is really in more of that 'Troma' sort of way- silly, fake and dumb. Combined with the cheap 'handy-cam look,' these scenes are just odd.

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The plot gets thicker and in a damn hurry. The new girl was kidnapped by a mad scientist, repeatedly raped and trained to be an assassin. She fled and, evidently, the man followed her to kill her. But, we learn in the end that her 'sister' was actually another agent of the scientist. This is revealed after our heroine kills the man. But he is not dead. Okay, he is dead. But, he has a twin brother who immediately kills the other girl. Why? Good question. Our girl overcomes the odds and kills the other evil scientist. Hurray!

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Oh wait, the girl dies in the end while doing laps. Why? Because the sedative they used on her earlier has a warning label not to do strenuous activity for 8 hours after dosage. Oops. The End.

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This movie just mind-bogglingly weird. In addition, it is filled to the brim with fake blood and even faker boobs. Yes, I know that 'faker' is not a real word, but you would use it too in this case. The stars are both busty models who cannot act their way out of a paper bag. Check out the trailer here if you want. Just a note- there are topless women in the trailer. That is good/bad.

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More Asian oddities to come. Stay tuned...

Really, movie?!?: Sirens

Movies are often rife with stupid or way too convenient moments. What happens when a movie is only those stupid moments though? This is the case today in...

Sirens

The movie, in a short summary, is about evil, monster hookers. Before you rush off to rent it, hear me out. This movie sucks. It sucks long, hard and in the most conveniently-lazy way possible.

First off, this is not a real movie. It is a short film. Clocking in at roughly 35 minutes, it is shorter than Hulk vs. Wolverine, one of TWO movie released on a single disc by Marvel and aimed at kids. Any random episode of Law & Order is longer (42 minutes). In a way, this is a blessing.

Second, there is no nudity. Well, one guy is nearly naked, which is actually worse than just teasing the male population of the world. It's like making a film about strippers and having no nudity from the ladies. I'm looking at you, Closer and Sin City.

This is the plot. A trio of businessmen are celebrating the raises they got from firing half of the crew. They hire some hookers based on the suggestion of a lady cop (don't ask). Meanwhile, the lady goes to see her Iraq War veteran friend at his job as a restaraunt host. He is fired by his boss, who just happens to be one of the three businessmen. It only gets worse.

Two of the men leave their friend behind with the hookers (no explanation is given) and head home. One of them runs into a pair of women in the hallway and goes home with them. The other is pulled over by, wait for it, the lady cop from earlier. That's convenient.

The lady hookers tie up the businessman for some 'fun.' This leads him to being eaten. Big surprise. The lady cop arrives downstairs, bringing the other businessman with her. He is going along with her, despite not breaking the law earlier and despite her being off-duty. Smart guy. As it turns out, the lady is one of the evil monster hookers as well. They explain that the third businessman was eaten after the others left. That's convenient.

That is lazy and stupid screenwriting there. You take a seven or eight person cast and make them all meet in some 'cosmic coincidence.' I tell you what, movie. Let's not meet up again, no matter how ironic it may be.

More stupid writing on the way. Stay tuned...

Random Humor: Galaxina

Movies will sometimes use solid, structured humor. Oftentimes, they will instead stick to randomly throwing out whatever they think will work. Such is the case today.

Galaxina

This movie is just weird for so many reasons. It stars a Playboy playmate, but doesn't really have any nudity. It is about space travel, but is much more about mocking the idea. The lead is a sex robot who is only implied to have sex with people.

There is a lot to love about the movie though. It is silly, whimsical and makes no bones about it. It has aliens that worship a motorcycle and pray to the God 'Harley Davidson.' One guy gets his space pod opened by a pet and is forcibly aged during the 25 year hibernation sleep. He spends the rest of the movie doing a bad, old man voice while his face is covered by a giant gray beard.

The best running joke involves the film's McGuffin: the Blue Star (AAAHHHHHAAAHHH). You see, every time someone says the name of the item...which is the Blue Star (AAHHHAAAHHH), the musical cue shoots up. The real joke is that we are not the only ones that hear it. The people in the film hear it as well and react to it. One time it doesn't, which angers the cast and forces them to say it again to correct the error. Good stuff.

Want more randomness? Stay tuned...

4th and Goal: Omen- The Awakening

Almost done. I can make it! I can make it!

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This movie is just really bad, but you must be warned. It has come from the belly of the beast and will eat alive lesser critics. It is the horror and tragedy that is...

Omen 4: The Awakening

First things first- this movie gets everything wrong. For one thing, they dropped the word 'The' from the title. Why? Good question. I guess they figured that one 'The' was just too many. I know these seems like a pointless argument in semantics. That's because it is.

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The movie itself is a lot like "Jaws 4"...I mean, "Jaws: The Revenge." It tries to copy parts of the original, it changes the gender of its lead and it just outright sucks. This movie also adds a good supporting actor in hopes of covering up for the lead. In this case, it is Jim Byrnes aka 'Joe' from "Highlander: The Series." He plays a hippie that uses his New Age mindset to help battle the Anti-Christ.

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The evil child in this film is a girl...although it isn't really. For most of the movie, you are meant to believe that she is Damien's illegitimate child. As it turns out, a doctor implanted Damien's seed into the child in the womb, allowing a second kid to be inborn in her. Say it with me: WHAAAA????

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The worst part about the movie is how pretty good actors are actually in it. The mother is the doctor from "V," Don S. Davis- of "Stargate" fame- plays a role and character actor Michael Lerner is in it too. On top of that, the ending is depressing. Despite the third film ending with Damien's death and the apparent return of Christ to bring about the Rapture, all is normal again here. Sure, that makes sense.

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Someone even made a TV pilot to keep this franchise afloat. It apparently takes the "Friday the 13th: Part 7" route and has the Anti-Christ as a floating spirit that possesses people. Yeah, nobody bought it. This saves me the trouble of reviewing that too.

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This ends the Fourquel series...for now. Stay tuned...

4th and Goal: Critters 4

We're just over halfway through. Must...survive...movies.

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Another series had been pushing its luck by trying to keep going. They had changed the setting three times and needed something fresh. When in doubt, go into space! This is the case with today's film...

Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space!

This title should tell you all you need to know, huh? Well, it is actually better than it sounds. Anyone who really likes sci-fi and cannot handle sub-par acting may not agree. That is certainly reasonable. But still, screw you anyways.

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The film starts off with the dorky hero of the first three films- he has Robert Englund Syndrome, I guess- getting stuck in a pod with the last two of the Critters. He gets frozen in hibernation for over fifty years. Holy Futurama, Batman! This is where he stays until the pod is opened. I wonder where this is going.Oh, right. Meanwhile, the pod is found by the crew of a salvage spaceship. The crew consists of a lecherous Captain, the black lady navigator, a drug addict, a questionable science expert and a kid. Yeah, a kid. Well, he's about 15, but still...really? I should mention that nobody on the ship are related to him. So he's on the ship...why?

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They call in a company, who is very happy to get the pod back. The tiny crew goes to a space station, which is oddly unmanned. They wander around while waiting for the boss to come. The captain has the good idea to open the pod. Yeah, he dies. The deaths come intermittently throughout, though the small cast plays against the idea of a big body count.

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All of this builds up to a strange third act. The boss comes back, complete with a group of guards right out of 'Fallout 3.' The scientist decides to yell at the evil businessman. Yeah, he dies. Our nice heroes trick the guards into being killed by the beasts. Hurray for moral ambiguity! All the monsters die and the villain dies too. The film ends with the kid, the un-frozen schmuck and the lady flying off to safety...until the idiot hits the controls. So they're dead now? I don't get it.

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This definitely could have been worse. Then again, so can Stage 2 Diabetes. I cannot wholeheartedly recommend the movie in all good conscience. Fortunately, I don't have one. Rent away, suckas!

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One more to go & it involves a demon. Who could it be? Oh, I don't know. Could it be...SATAN. Stay tuned...

The Clone Wars (The Exorcist)- Abby aka The Black Exorcist)

There's another one. Good Lord! 

I mean, Good Pazzuzu.

Today's film is a scarcity because of both its age and a lawsuit. Curious? Too bad, you've read this far already. This is...

Abby: The Story of a Woman Possessed

What is different:
*The lady is older and black.
*The whole cast is black.
*The priest is played by William Marshall aka 'Blacula'
*It is set in Kentucky.

What is the same:
*Everything else

This is truly separate, but equal film making. Well, actually it is nowhere near equal. This movie sucks really bad. 

To give you a comparison, William Friedkin also made "The French Connection" and "The Sorcerer." Meanwhile, William Girdler is known as the guy who made "Grizzly" and "The Manitou." 

Famous film about car chases and crime or the movie about a woman who has a tumor that grows into an Indian. Choices, choices, choices.

There really is no point to this movie. It's not like "Blacula" which has its own back-story and is not just a black version of "Dracula." 

Hell, even "Blackenstein"- as terrible as it is- has its own story and is a unique entity. This more like "Queen Kong," which simply switches the male roles with female and vice versa.

Any film that was actually marketed as "The Black Exorcist" does not bear any more attention. While there are more of these, it would require me to actually watch them. 

No thanks.

Stay tuned...

Interweb Cinema: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

Let's take a break from the sequels and possessed girls, shall we?

Last time on Interweb, I talked about how public-domain is our friend. This is yet another example of this. The film is a classic, albeit a freaky one. It is the story of a man, a sleeping man and a city of insanity. It is...

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

Simply put, I love this movie. The whole thing challenges the mind, body and soul to accept what you see or risk going insane. Insanity is a strong theme in the movie, from beginning to end. Said ending is actually controversial, since it added a noticeable tweak to the story's original ending.

The movie is a bit a man who goes to visit the fair with his girlfriend. There they meet Dr. Caligari and his somnambulist friend. For the layman, a 'somnambulist' is a sleepwalker, albeit in an extreme form. The show involves the Doc having the slumbering man answer his questions. Entertainment was a bit different back then, huh?

Right after this, people are being killed in town. Our hero suspects the sleeping man, but the cops don't buy it. He is hard-pressed to find evidence, although he is very vigilant in it. If you think this is a mystery tale, you will be sorely mistaken. It is more a tale of proving facts that we, the audience, already know.

The thing about "Caligari" is the set-design. It is so bizarre and expressive. Imagine people walking around in a monochrome German painting. Doors are upside down, while others are intentionally painted over. My favorite part is the chase down a street that looks more like an asylum's slip-and-slide. You really have to watch this to believe it.

Many people are hesitant to watch silent movies. To them I say: get over it. You can't hate an entire time span of a film-making because nobody actually talks. Yes, the wait for people to read the dialog cards is longer than we need. With "Caligari," the title cards are written in a font that looks like the craziest one you can find in Word. Get over your set concerns and enjoy this great film.

You like witches and re-enactments? You will love the next film then. Stay tuned...

4th and Goal: Highlander 4: Endgame

Another fourthquel already? If you insist.

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While the characters in this series can live forever, the longevity of the films is questionable. Without further ado, I bring you:

Highlander 4: Endgame

First off, let me address the obvious. While this is the fourth movie, it is often just called as 'Highlander: Endgame.' There are a couple of reasons for this. For one thing, people are wary to refers to movies as numeric sequels. Second, the series is so convoluted that the film connections are tenuous at best. In "Highlander," Connor McCleod becomes the last immortal and gains 'the prize.' In the sequel, it is the future and he has the prize, but gives it up. In the third film, it is the past and he loses the prize. I'm confused.

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This film is even more confusing because it ties into the television series. The series, you see, took the continuity of the film and warped it. Instead of one immortal, there are now thousands. Connor does not have the prize, but is friends with a clansman named Duncan. A little known fact is that the TV show pilot initially began as "Highlander 4," but was sold to television instead. So, the attempt to make "Highlander 4" eventually gave us..."Highlander 4." Amazing.

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Oh, you actually want to know about the movie itself? Basically, an immortal's father was killed 600ish years ago and he has held a grudge since then. Since he is a slow planner, he is only now taking his shot. He kills Connor's friends and finally tries to actually, you know, kill him. His hired guns- including famed kung-fu master Donnie Yen- battle Duncan, but he manages to escape.

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The film relies on re-shot flashbacks and new ones (consider that for a moment- new flashbacks) to pad the film and build up all the character interaction. The actual scenes in the present tend to rehash story aspects from the TV show for neophytes (i.e. me) or contain fight scenes. The latter are not bad, but they are rarely great. The whole thing builds up the villain Kell as nearly unstoppable so that our two heroes might fight until only one is standing. The final battle is pretty good, though there is an overabundance of sparks and a reliance on one move built up in a flashback.

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While the movie does not suck, it is just not that great either. It is too bogged down in back-story for newcomers and too reliant on rehashing for all but the most forgiving on series fans. When the actual story begins, it is a very complex setup to a simple revenge scheme that builds up to one fight. Say it with me: whatever.

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More movies to come. Demon children, space a-holes and evil doctors. Stay tuned...

The Clone Wars (The Exorcist)- Exorcism

Another day, another rip of William Friedkin's classic. Hurray.

Today's film is more subtle in its titling: Exorcism.

The movie is pretty much the same thing as "The Exorcist." Well, there are a couple differences.
-Replace this guy with this guy.
-The whole 'possession' thing is more direct. The young lady was involved in the occult and got possessed. She is not quite the innocent victim.
-The makeup effects are not nearly as scary. She looks more like a zombie.
-There is a whole side-story about how she got possessed. It is more of a distraction than anything.
-They have people get their head twisted around, but it turns out to be a pair of murders by an evil employee. This is not the most original character. Plus, he looks like Mr. Clean

Honestly, I was hoping for a lot more from this movie. The Satanic cult stuff is interesting, but ultimately, just filler. In a way, the film apes The Exorcist too much. As much as people love that movie, the whole first half is pretty dull. This is done to set up the story and contrast the big, shocking finale. This movie does not have that. It has a fairly lame finale, honestly. More importantly, it is just not that funny, scary or full of the usual Naschy bravado. It really feels like cheap, contract work. That's sad.

Coming up next: a rip-off from *gasp* America. Stay tuned...

4th and Goal: Leprechaun 4- In Space

You know when a series gets bad? Any film series that goes four parts is clearly going to be in trouble. Every good idea they have has been drained out and pureed for all that it is worth. That is when they start to get...weird. Ironically, I have four examples of this. Let's start off with a timely one...

Leprechaun 4: In Space

This movie is just all kinds of strange. In previous films, the eponymous villain has chased a girl that unknowingly stole a gold coin of his, chased down a girl to marry her as part of some ancient ceremony and gone to Las Vegas. Now, as the title implies, he is in space. Why? Good question. The simple answer is: because he wants to be.

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The plot involves the imp kidnapping a space princess in order to make her marry him. Why? Because he wants to be a King, of course. She is naturally horrified, but changes her tune when she is promised lots of gold. Say it with me: what a bitch! The plan goes awry when the cavalry comes to save her. Oh, the irony.

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They take her on her ship and her ability to regrow limbs draws the attention of their crazy, scientist boss. Meanwhile, the evil beast is killing the space marines one-by-one in pursuit of his lady. It all builds up to the third act where lots of crap happens at once. The scientist is turned into a giant spider-alien, the leprechaun grows huge and the ship is set to self-destruct. In the middle of all that, the male lead takes his shirt off and the busty blond loses her pants.

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"Leprechaun 4" is a bizarre, bizarre movie. The monster has the power of 'deus ex machina,' which makes me question how lazy the writer was. You want the marine boss to dress in drag and sing? The leprechaun can make it happen. Want two different shots of the Leprechaun exploding? He can regenerate. That sure is convenient, huh? The film is also full of tons of references, songs and half-assed jokes. It thinks that it is funny and clever, but we all know better. However, the ridiculous plot and bad writing can be funny in its own way.

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If you have standards, you will not particularly like the film. If you want to see an evil Leprechaun sing 'Danny Boy' while hunting down a space marine, this is your movie. You can do worse. I mean, have you seen "Leprechaun in the Hood?" My point exactly.

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More fourquels to come including fur balls....in space. Stay tuned...

The Clone Wars (The Exorcist)- Seytan

Nations of the world- stop sending us your crappy movies. That is all.

William Friedkin's classic film "The Exorcist" was very popular in its day and has since inspired three- or four, technically- sequels. But, before all of those actual follow-ups came out, everyone and their mother ripped it off. Today's film is one of those:

Seytan

This film comes to us from the land of Turkey. In the 70s and 80s, they had a booming film industry. As a great documentary by Mondo Macabro (no relation) showed, this died when the economy crashed and most of the films were burned down for the silver the film strips consisted of. Unfortunately, this came too late to stop this movie.

A young girl gets possessed by a demon and her family is not sure how to fix her. They try several ways, but nothing goes too well. They get desperate and, stop me if you have heard this before, call in a priest! They copy every single interesting part of the original "Exorcist" and do it badly. This whole affair is so bad that even the guy doing the subtitle work has given up.

Do anything else other than watching this movie. Hell, read the damn book or something.

Thanks to this site for the pictures, btw.

There are still more of these to come. Stay tuned...

Interweb Cinema: Starcrash

Do you like movies but hate getting off of your ass to go get them? Well, you are in luck, my morbidly obese friend. The internet is a great place to watch movies without the hassle of inputting discs or spending money.

The key thing to understand about this series is a simple phrase: Public Domain. What that boils down to is the idea that nobody owns this movie anymore and you don't have to pay to see it. The Supreme Court ruled that once something enters the P.D., it cannot be removed. This is good for us.

We are starting off strong with a classic film: Starcrash

This movie is just wall-to-wall craziness. Where to begin? The movie stars a young pastor-turned-actor, an Italian starlet, 'Mr. Clean' and David "Knight Rider" Hasselhoff. That should really be enough for most people.

The film involves two space criminals being sent out to rescue the Emperor's son from an alien planet, while an evil Count tries to catch him and use him as leverage. They traverse alien worlds, meet amazons and battle stop-motion dolls. Anyone who has read past posts will recognize it as the movie where the Emperor stops the flow of time to save the day. That is only the tip of the iceberg.

More coming down the pike, including sleepwalkers, witch documentaries and midget spies. Stay tuned...

Note (11/1): I'm pretty sure that this link is dead now. If another is discovered, I will edit this.

Great Monsters of Cinema?: Cloverfield

Not all creatures are made the same. I mean, some are made of foam, some of clay and others out of computer pixels. Aside from that, not every monster is, you know, good. Today's example is from a famous film made last year:

Cloverfield

I personally do not like this movie for lots of reasons. I will not go into all of that here. I'll save that for one of my other concept pieces- How to Kill A Concept: Cloverfield.

Here I will simply discuss the monster. Aside from it's ability to constantly disappear from the shot- despite being 30+ feet tall, it just looks...odd. See for yourself.

What the hell is that? Did Cthulu and Godzilla have some sort of freaky baby that was born premature or something? This is is also the most full-frame shot of the monster in the whole movie too.

Here's one of the other famous scenes. Look at the detail - this being a fan edit with slow mo and high-def- and see whatever the hell this is supposed to be.

I don't know what to say. It is just so bizarre and haphazard. Maybe you should not have a dozen people or so make one creature. More importantly, you should not make the 'Blair Witch' version of 'Godzilla.' Just think about how that sounds out loud for a second. Really.

Stay tuned...

Decade of the Lizard: Godzilla- Final Wars

Godzilla: Final Wars

Why have two monsters when you can have fifteen or sixteen? In yet another reset, Godzilla has been trapped in ice by the Earth Defense Force in 2004. Now in 2020, the Earth is hit by the dual threats of an approaching asteroid and giant monsters sprouting up like wildfires. Thankfully, help has come in the form of the Xilians, who save the Prime Minister from an explosion. He shows up, spouting the ideals of the aliens, although he has also stopped blinking and cannot recognize his dog. The humans expose the secret, but are immediately attacked by the overwhelming force of Zilla, King Caesar, Kumonga, Rodan, Kamacuras, Eborah and Hedorah. On top of that, they have also freed Gigan from forced hibernation. Plus, most of the mutants on the EDF- they have mutants, by the way- have also been controlled, due to some pseudo-science involving them having alien genes just like the monsters. This leads to the only solution: free Godzilla! He, along with the remaining EDF forces and Mothra, kick lots of rubber monster ass. This forces the Xilians to bring out their biggest guns: Mecha-Gigan and Kaiser Ghidorah.

In case you have not figured out, this film was written as a climax for the series a la "Destroy All Monsters." Ticket sales had been declining during this series, so Toho gave this one their biggest budget ever: $19.5 million. An important thing to note is that Godzilla serves as a third act story changer in this one, as opposed to being a consistent threat throughout. Older fans and purist may be bothered by the larger focus on humans, mutants and aliens. Ryuhei Kitamura, director of "Versus", did this film, so, of course there is a kung-fu fight and a motorcycle battle. When the King of all Monsters does show up, it is a great sight. One great thing for purists, however, is all of the monsters that do show up. You want the sea monster from "Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster? " You got it. You want the mantis monsters from "Son of Godzilla? " You get that too. The only monsters left out are the new ones from the Heisei Era (1985-1995) like Biollante and Destoroyah. This is a great film for those who can accept the story and style changes related to the director. The worst thing I can say about the film is that it is almost too overwhelming. Oh, to have such problems!

That's it for the Millenium films. More good stuff coming soon though. Stay tuned...

Decade of the Lizard: Godzilla- Tokyo S.O.S.

Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S.

Never has a movie subtitle been more fitting than it is here. Godzilla is back, as well as Mechagodzilla and Mothra. He is back to destroy the city because, as the twin fairies explain, the scientists used the old Godzilla's bones as the guts of Mechagodzilla, also known as Kiryu. The humans, as usual, do not heed the warning and Mothra pays the price. He/she does his/her best against the atomic-blasting monster, but cannot seem to put a stop to his destruction. Fortunately or unfortunately, they restore Kiryu to full-power to battle the monster yet again. The fight is loud, explosive and climactic. It appears to be turning against them until a brand new weapon is finally put to use.

As mentioned earlier, this is the only actual sequel to a Millennium Godzilla film. The other films are more akin to 'Final Fantasy' sequels than movie ones, utilizing similar ideas as previous works, but, ultimately being related solely by title. Characters are carried over in this film, as well as new ones getting a chance to shine. The human aspect of the plot involves the military, people talking to the famous fairies and more sublimated romance that has carried over from the last film. The effects and fight scenes are good, showing experience learned from the last film. Since it is built so tightly around the previous film, it should only be watched in accompaniment with Godzilla X Mechagodzilla. Like other films, a neat little homage or two is given to previous films. In this case, it is the dead body of the Kamoeba from Space Amoeba that floats up on the shore, as well as other actors from other films in cameo roles. This is another good film that any fan of modern Kaiju should see.

One more to go. Stay tuned...