Feast III: The Happy Finish
The movie opens with a quick recap of the violent deaths from the end of 'Feast II,' including a midget being torn in half and a man getting a pipe shot through his head. To top it all off, the monsters kill Honey Pie. In a bit of the movie's 'humor,' we see the monster knock her head off, eat it and crap it out. Thanks, movie.
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After their last attempt to get inside the sheriff's office failed, the second midget does the old cartoon trick of walking with a trash can over his head. It pretty much works, as well as any plan works in a 'Feast' movie. They all make it inside, including the man with a new 'head pipe.' He actually lives throughout most of the movie. Go figure.
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During a desperate moment, a new hero arrives called- seriously- S#!tkicker. He gives them words of wisdom and assures the group that everyone will survive. Anyone that read my review of the original Feast knows what is going to happen. Yeah, he dies, this time in a random accident with a gun. That's only clever once, movie!
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The group makes it outside anyways and gets to a bus. That turns out to be a red herring, however, as it runs out of gas in about twenty seconds. They are saved by a robed prophet who turns out to be...well, I won't spoil it. Sufficed to say, it is worse than the reveal in Crimson Rivers II: Angels of the Apocalypse. On his advice, they flee into the sewers. Now it gets really bad.
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The film is barely watchable at this point- and I don't mean because of the bad writing, characters and humor. You can't see most of what happens, save for a few times when a new character lights the way with glowing bottles. Man, I wish I was joking. While this effect is probably realistic, it is also annoying as crap.*
A couple new people are introduced, including a kung-fu expert called- seriously- Jean-Claude Seagal. He gets slowly killed by monsters for being stupid. In fact, most of them get killed. Only the car salesman's girlfriend, the second midget and, shockingly, the Bartender make it to the other side. This leads us to the most pointless, stupid and ridiculous ending since Blood Freak: a giant robot comes out and crushes the girl and the midget. He walks off- only being shown once due to budget constraints- and a lone mariachi singer begins to sing a song about the plot of the movies. Shoot me now.
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Yeah, I can't reccomend this movie. Not only does the dark humor fall flat even more, the characters feel even more stilted and the action feel lazier, but you can't see most of the last half of the film. It reminds me of another terrible movie- Monster A-Go-Go. Like that movie, the ending killed any semblance of enjoyability. It takes talent to kill a movie series so quickly and definitively. Good job, Mr. Gulager. May you never work again.
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Let's take a week-long journey into the Macabro. Stay tuned...
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