Indy Shorts: The Prospector's Curse

Look at me- big shot blogger!  All kidding aside, it's nice to get an actual request from a filmmaker to review their work and help promote it.  I'm free for Lincoln 2, Spielberg!  Today's film is The Prospector's Curse, a film that I teased last year.  Well, there's a finished product, so I can actually review it.  The man behind the film was kind enough to send me a link to their film on a Streaming site- with password protection, naturally- and I watched it.  To understand the film, you must realize that it's designed to be part of an anthology film.  This is one segment of a film like V/H/S, although hopefully more consistently well-regarded by critics.  For the record, I haven't seen it.  Anyhow, Curse is a cautionary tale about Greed and just where it will get you.  To find out a bit about what happens, read on...

At a small Mining Town, a man has been killed and a *ahem* lady of ill-repute has been attacked.  Where did the culprit go?

He's fled to the Woods, where he runs across a traveling huckster.

The pair come across a dying Prospector with a story to tell.

He has some gold and knows where more is, but wants his share delivered to his wife.  Well, that and a 'Christian burial.'

The huckster sees dollar signs and ignores him.  Where does this lead?

Sorry, no SPOILERS here.  You'll just have to see it for yourself.

*

For what it is, I kind of like it.  Curse isn't the kind of Short that re-defines the Genre, sets the world on fire or makes you go 'Damn!'  It's good though.  The story is made up of two simple parts that tie together pretty well in the end.  It's an interesting way to do the story.  It's not a huge budget movie, but they make a good use of what they have.  There are only a few sets, but they look nice and authentic.  The Short is well-shot, well-acted and just generally put together well.  It's the kind of story that could easily be extended past the fifteen minute mark too, so they have room to grow.  If they can find a nice home for it among some other good Shorts, we'll have ourselves a nice film.  If not, we'll end up with Creepshow 4 *shivers*.  Let's hope that this film gets a better treatment than that.

*Oh and send me your Indy films, Internet fellows.  I'll watch your Screeners- honest.*

Next up, I decide to take a look at the ugly, middle child of Romero's second Dead Trilogy.  Everyone- but Maynard- seems to hate it, so why don't I join in?  Stay tuned...

Indy Update: The Prospector's Curse

Well, after a long absence, there's news on The Prospector's Curse.

I recently received some updated information- as well a personal link to the Short Film- from him, so I decided to share it with you.

Here's the Trailer Link: http://vimeo.com/41627371

Here's the official page for the Director: http://www.joshheisie.com/

Here's the Facebook page for the film as well: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Prospectors-Curse/141337662650150

To get an official review of the finished product...well, that's for another post.  That's coming next.

Review in Pictures: Tai Chi Zero

In spite of horrible environmental standards, economic equality and constant attempts at cyber-hacking, I'm not mad at China.  Why?  Well, they make great movies like Red Cliff, silly films like The Dragon Lives Again and crazy stuff like today's film.  That film- Tai Chi Zero.  This recent Import film is a fun, action-filled comedy with lots of kung-fu action.  What more could I ask for?  The film is all about a young man who must learn kung-fu to save his life...by getting his ass-kicked by an entire village.  Hillary Clinton's words have never been taken this much out of context!  I really liked this film for its crazy action, quirky humor and stylish visuals.  As such, I want you all to see it.  You know what that means- a Review In Pictures!  To get a taste of how crazy this film gets, read on...

A young man is born with a special gift- which gets used to kick people's asses for vague reasons.

However, after a friend suffers the most bad-ass heroic death ever, he seeks his own fate.  Meanwhile, the technological revolution comes knocking at Chen Village.

 ****

 ***

Chen Village, meanwhile, is a town that holds the secret to some super-secret, super-powerful kung-fu.  To learn it, our hero must fight the town...which is not exactly a cake walk.

Oh and the technological revolution knocks much louder the second time- in the form of a giant, cylindrical death machine!

 ***

 ***

I wouldn't DARE SPOIL the Third Act of the film, other than with this out-of-context shot of people being hit by fruit and this guy getting tackled.

To see the fun-filled, wacky finale, watch the movie!  The End.

 ***

Seriously, go see this movie!  I like stuff like this- sue me.  The action is fun, the comedy is fun and the whole movie just has a quirky vibe to it that I like.  It's not the most complicated story out there, but it isn't trying to be.  The movie plays with things that we take for granted like normal Credits.  I love that all of the Actors are credited on-screen once they appear, often with humorous descriptions like the one below.  This movie is fun- it's simple as that.  It's also build-up to Tai Chi Hero, a film that I will be eagerly-awaiting for via Netflix.  I'm sure that I'll enjoy it two years- give or take a week.  While I do that, go watch this movie.  Seriously, it has 'Leung Siu-Iung as Master Dong' (He's a 70s Kung-Fu Superstar).'  What more do you need?

Next up, the third film in George A. Romero's dubious SECOND Dead Trilogy.  In contrast to Diary, this film is only...mostly-bad.

Impossibly-Familiar Cover Art: The Survival Game

Look- I get it.  There are only so many new ideas.  Of course, we exist in a world where Rubber, Battlefield Baseball and Naked Lunch exist.

That leads into this cover for The Survival Game- a film I've not seen.  Does something about it seem familiar though?

Well, it should.  They pretty much copied the promotional poster/artwork for The Bourne Legacy- right down to the guy holding the gun.  No, really.

I guess this was supposed to fool someone, although I'm not really sure how.  Think that through next time, guys!

If you're going to rip something off, make sure that you can profit from it. It's simple Machiavellian Math!

Four Year Anniversary News- March is Special!

The three of you that were waiting for my Four-Year Anniversary Review were probably wondering why I missed the February date.  Well...

I didn't forget.  I just wanted to get that out of the way.

Now then, I decided to make March a special month.  The reason is simple: I didn't really get the site going until March anyhow.

March will feature re-done reviews from the early days of the site, special Updates and something that I vowed never to review.

Consider what I've done in the four years this site has been running and now consider that this has been off-limits.  It's that bad.

As a bonus, March may include something that has NEVER been seen on the site before.  I will say no more, as it is not set in stone.

So keep reading and you'll get to see some crazy stuff!

Because I Watched It: Rifftrax's Kickstarter Experiment

For once, let me do something good with this segment.  Why not try something new?

Rifftrax has a big experiment that they want to do.  To find out, watch this...

If you aren't psyched for this, let me fix that.  First, their official sample for the Commentary Only version of Twilight...

Need more?  Here's their official 'Best of Five Years' video as well.

Finally, here's the most awesome, yet creepy, song ever- it's also from Twilight.

So if you haven't already helped them out, do it here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/rifftrax/rifftrax-wants-to-riff-twilight-live-in-theaters-n

Do it already.  They're giving out sweet prizes and you'll help a cinematic nightmare get the punishment that it deserves.  The Saga is over- now it's time to mock the crap out of it!

'80s Trash?: Sweet Sixteen

An obscure Slasher film- sign me up!  Today's film is Sweet Sixteen, a movie I rented for a dubious reason. You see, thanks to Rifftrax, I watched Mutant a while back.  In the role of the Drunk Sheriff Turned Good is Genre Star Bo Hopkins.  So, naturally, when I read that he also plays a Sheriff in this Slasher film, I was sold.  The film is all about murder in a small, Western town and who is behind it.  However, much more is going on in this film.  The muddled plot could be considered a good thing or a bad thing.  On one hand, the extra 'color' does add to the background of the area.  On the other hand, it's obviously all a distraction for the real reveal.  To find out if it all balances out in the end, read on...

After a bit of build-up, we finally get the first kill...off-camera.

Yeah, this is one of those Mystery Slasher films, so there's not much gore.  Oh well.

Sheriff Bo is on the case!  Unfortunately, so is a wannabe Nancy Drew teen.  Joy.

How does this relate to the local Indian population and Patrick MacNee's Archaeologist?  It doesn't.  At all.

In spite of that, the Natives vs. Native Americans sub-plot continues.  I haven't been this enthralled with Race-Related Filler since the exact same thing was in 1980's Humanoids from the Deep.

How does this all relate to Melissa?  Well, she's the new girl in town and every guy that comes near her seems to end up dead.  Hmm.

To solve this mystery, Sheriff Bo is here- now with the power of Micro Fiche!

Meanwhile, Melissa and another local boy hook up, setting up the box-art shot.  A series of fake-out reveals occur before learn that the killer is...

The crazy mom of Melissa.  Yeah, that...just sort of happened.  All that build-up = pointless.

 A sign of good Screenwriting is when you have to write a scene where two characters literally explain why it all happened.  Don't include the end of Psycho, as that was more for color.

So, yeah, that was a movie.  The End.

Eh, I've seen better.  To be honest, this film doesn't really get any faults for being a 'bad movie.'  It's not.  It's just not all that good of a Slasher film.  Granted, there are many varieties.  Even so, the more Giallo-like films that preceded it- see What Have You Done to Solange?- made a good mix of Mystery, Suspense and Gore.  I will also concede that films like this can work with little to no gore if there is enough of the rest to counter-balance it.  Unfortunately, this film doesn't have that.  It feels like it was a film made as a 'slice of life' story about a town, only to become a Slasher film late in production.  All of the stuff about the town would make a nice enough move on its own.  The problem is that it is forced into this Slasher tale (or vice-versa) and suffers for it.  If you can accept that this is an unevenly-paced film with a kind of abrupt finale, it certainly has its merits.  Like I said, it's not a bad movie.  It's just not my kind of movie.  Well, except for this part...

Next up, a great Import film that I just have to tease you with.  If you like laughs and kicking, you're in luck.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Short Circuit

I stumbled across a treasure trove of ridiculous Cover Art from 'across the pond.'  Here's one example...

If you wanted to see Short Circuit, but wish that it was a Horror Film, here's the film poster for you...

Seriously, how the hell did you get that from the movie?  I could think of a dozen ways to go with this one...but this wasn't one of them!

I mean, did they watch the film?!?!?

Bark at the Moon: Dark Wolf

Life is just full of coincidences.  Today's film is Dark Wolf, a Horror film that I tracked down after seeing a sample of their crappy CG effects.  The last film I did that for- The Eden Formula.  As it turns out, the film have a link: John Carl Buechler.  For the record, J.C.B. does some good make-up work- he just seems to fail at everything else.  In this film, he only does the make-up work, so he doesn't get much blame here.  Even so, the coincidence is interesting.  So what is Dark Wolf about?  If you really have to guess, then I feel sorry.  It's a Werewolf film, duh!  It's full of weird plot points, silly CG and one of the least competent heroes ever.  To find out more about this cult film, read on...

A Biker (Kane Hodder) is on the run from the Police and flees into a Strip Club.  Pointless Nudity less than 20 seconds into a film- bonus!

As it turns out, he's a super-Werewolf called a Dark Wolf.  He kills the partner- character actor Steven Williams- and runs off into the night.  This leads to the arrival of Exposition Character in the form of...

Tippi Hedren?  Seriously- I didn't plan this!  Stop showing up in these movies, please!

As it turns out, she's an ancient Werewolf- of course- who is guarding our heroine, the lady/wolf destined to possibly mate with the Dark Wolf (who's a Hybrid Prince) and doom humanity.  Sex kills, kids!

She begins to figure out that's something weird.  Either she's got a serious hangover or she's a Werewolf.

Oh and these Werewolves can change at will during the Full Moon and change back.  So much for strobe lights or holding the neck skin of a killer!

The Werewolf goes on a killing spree, which gives us brief moments to see J.C.B.'s neat suit/make-up work.

My favorite: him killing the new partner in her Hospital Room while simply hiding in the corner.  Werewolf Kane Hodder is undetectable from two feet away in slight darkness?  Bull and shit, movie.

In a weird plot point, Hedren's Deus Ex Machina Book of Werewolf Secrets ends up in the hands of the heroine's best friend/model.  Her boyfriend sees it and is inspired to...make a Werewolf fashion shoot on his roof.  I shit you not!!!

So why is Dark Wolf infamous?  Well, late in the movie, they start doing on-screen transformations.  It leads to crap like this...

...and this.  I love how they write around their lead not being wiling to do nudity by just making her naked as a CG model.

Sparing you a lot of talking and cop deaths, they finally shoot the creature in the eye, since that's all that will kill it.  It dies, boyfriend makes a bad joke and everyone leaves.  Oh and sequel-bait.  The End.

It's bad enough to make you howl!  In all honesty, Dark Wolf is a fun, but confusing movie.  The lore is strange and ridiculous.  There are Werewolves and there are Hybrid Werewolves- the children of men and Werewolves.  That sounds painful and gross.  They explain this to the new Partner, who is literally wounded to near-death not two scenes later.  She's not dead, however, as they have to kill her somewhere else in a later scene.  What was the point of that?  Was it to not upstage Tippi's scene or to set up some silly Plot Point involving the Dark Wolf tracking those who smell like the lady?  Either way, it feels really, really silly.  Speaking of silly, those CG effects are embarrassing by Asylum standards.  They look like the ones you'd see in the late '90s when Studios realized that they could do on-camera effects via CG.  This film came out in 2003.  It's not like big-budget films around this time didn't use bad CG too- e.c. Van Helsing- but this is still worse.  If this film were more focused and didn't get distracted by sub-plots involving *sigh* Werewolf-themed photo shoots, it would be easier to recommend as a 'so bad it's good movie.'  As it is, you have to be a bit more patient, but I think it's worth it for the silly CG action and plot.

Up next, an obscure slasher film with a polished-up release on DVD.  Will the star of Mutant be a better Sheriff here?

Forgotten Sequels: Raptor Island 2- Planet Raptor

Alright, who requested this?  Seriously- fess up!  Today's film is Planet Raptor, the sequel to Raptor Island.  Mind you, there's really not much to that statement.  I was hoping for some sort of exposition saying that the Raptors built a space ship or something, but no luck.  There are two reasons why it is considered to be so.  One is because Steven Bauer is in both of them, but playing different characters.  The other...I won't SPOIL just yet.  All you need to know is that this film has a silly plot, silly CG and Ted Raimi.  He's the Sean Bean of Horror/Sci-Fi Films, so you know what's coming in his future.  Seriously, he even shows up in movies like Midnight Meat Train just to die- he didn't even really have a character!  This film is actually kind of hard to find, despite coming out in 2007.  Why does that happen to some films (good or otherwise), while other films (e.c. The Princess Bride) have about a dozen different releases?  So after dealing with an off-market source to finally see the whole thing, how is it?  To find out, read on...

Right off the bat, the film makes a jarring jump into pure Sci-Fi.  It's something you do right or you do wrong.

So here's the other reason that this is called a sequel to Raptor Island- they use the same CG models.  Yes, despite looking like crap in 2004, they show up in this 2007 film.  It gets better, but we'll get to that.

A group of scientists- including Raimi and Vanessa Angel- and soldiers go to this Planet, only to find a city that looks like it was out of an old King Arthur film- even including a castle.  No, really.

Instead of showing you a shot of them, let's try and start a new meme...

The constant attacks by re-used CG Sprites leads to some odd moments like this...

Back on the ship, a Plot Device...I mean, Solar Storm is blocking communications and transport out.

If you're going to steal CG from Raptor Island, you might as well steal whole scenes.  For example, here's the 'Raptors nesting in the Volcano' scene re-purposed as 'Raptors nesting in the Planet.'  Throw in a cave that barely resembles the one from Island and you've got yourself a winner!

As a bonus, the unexplained T-Rex from Island also shows up for two shots...only to suddenly turn into a Raptor for the next shot.

It's like they released their mistake and tries to fix it...without actually doing anything to actually fix it!!!

As it turns out, the planet is a study ground to test the Raptors as weapons, with our heroes as the bait.  This is explained to them after a random, bug alien shows up for one scene, dumps exposition and then immediately disappears from the film.

Bye...whatever you were.

Skipping a lot of shooting and bad CG effects, Raimi dies (naturally) and the group makes it back, but only after a barely-there 'Corrupt General' sub-plot ends abruptly.  The End.

Yeah, this isn't really any better.  The movie is pretty bad, but how much you will hate it may vary.  For example, if you never saw Raptor Island, you would just think that these were crappy effects.  If you've seen it, you'd realize how lazy this was and respond appropriately.  If you like cheesy flicks involving commandos fighting badly-rendered CG monsters, you'll probably get some laughs out of it.  I sure did.  I have over a dozen Screen Captures from this movie.  Granted, nearly all of them are shots of just how bad the Raptors look here.  If you can track this down, you'll have a similar experience to watching Raptor Island.  Is it stupid?  Yes.  Is it bad?  Yes.  Do all of its attempts at being taken seriously make it funny as hell?  Yes.  Take us away, whatever the hell you are...

Next up, one of the few films I've tracked down JUST because of its crappy effects.  Will this film beat out The Eden Formula?  Stay tuned...