New Streaming: Ms. Marvel- Episode 5

 As I continue to run out of Streaming Content this Summer, let me circle back to the semi-final Episode of...

After last week's Ending, we...don't see Kamala for a while.

It's a bold choice, so let's see how it play out.

We learn about the tumultuous history between India and the soon-to-be Pakistan before following Aisha, the woman we've only heard about for 4 Episodes.

They have to flee their homes as the Land is divided up by religious groups.

We've heard all about how Kamala's Grandmother nearly didn't make the train, so...here it is.

Back to Kamala as she has to try a play a role in her History...several Decades before she was even born.

No pressure.

Back in the Present, she has to deal with ANOTHER issue as the Veil seems to have been opened.

Will she stop the Djinn?
Can she stop the Djinn?

What of Earth?

To find out, stream the Show now.

A good Show that manages to be a diversion...but an interesting one.  I've discussed before how Prestige TV Shows love to stop the Narrative to tell a random flashback story. 
Yes, they do inform the Story. 
Yes, they are a distraction and kind of annoying when everyone does it.

Thankfully, this Episode doesn't go that far.  You get a good chunk of time with Aisha, but it never felt like I wasn't going to get back.  In fact, said Flashback was integral to the story.  

Contrast this, for instance, to how The Handmaid's Tale stopped cold for one Episode to show us how the Husband survived and what he was doing.  That one was good...but it didn't need to be done that way.

In this case, they, arguably, could have split up the flashbacks over other Episodes, but that's a different can of worms (see Arrow's Episodic Flashback Requirement).

Alot of big stuff happens in this Episode and I know that there's some more to be dealt with.  The Pakistan trip did separate Kamala from her friends, but was vital to the Show.  With them circling back now for the Finale, it just gives me more to look forward to...

Next up, the Series/Season Finale.  Will she finally become the Hero she's tried to be?  See you then...

Lost in Translation?: The Sand (2014)

 After seeing the Film and comparing its main Poster, let's go abroad.

Here's the German Poster for the Film, since it apparently warranted one...

…so, um, SPOILER ALERT, Poster.

Yep, they give away the Third Act for no clear reason here.

According to Google, the Tagline says 'This Beach likes to eat you.'

I mean...that's almost true.

Bonus point for a cooler, alternate Title.

-------

Now here's a wrinkle- this isn't a wholly-unique Poster.

There's an alternate version here...

1. Why does the German Version credit the Actors above the Title and not the US one?

2. Why change the Tagline?  I mean, it does sound like Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

3. Why do you BOTH SPOIL the Third Act?!?

Oh well- at least I'm done talking about the 'Killer Sand Movie.'  Right?  …Right?!?

Tubi Thursday: Land Shark (2017)

 Alright, if you wanted the silly Chinese Film to look like an Oscar Winner, you get your wish.

It's the 2017 Film by...Mark Polonia.  Yep, the guy from Feeders 2 and Peter Rottentail.  
Oh boy.

This one...has almost no Plot.

The only Plot you get is that Shark-Human Hybrids that can walk on land.

You don't really SEE any of them...so...yea.

The Budget is...I'm going to guess $20 and a few cases of White Claw.

As such, you get mostly just POV Shots and 1/5 of a second shots of a puppet.  That and them clearly just squirting fake blood from a Ketchup Container onto random objects.

So here's one of the few funny shots.

Our 'Heroes' eventually go to track down the Sharks- who apparently just escape off-camera when they feel like it.

This just involves them wandering around for long, long takes.

Hey look- another funny shot.

It wasn't worth the wait, so you're welcome.

The pair finally track down the last one, who changes model from the puppet to the brief CGI Model, and kill it near a Cabin.

Plot Twist- the guy becomes a Human-Shark Hybrid.
Double Plot Twist- he dies in like 50 seconds.

We get some Sequel Bait and we're out.

Ouch.  Just ouch.

In 2017, there was only one Polonia Brother- Jon died in 2008- but the Films didn't slow down.  As such, Mark churned out copycat Film after copycat Film.  For instance, a Camp Killer Film with a Clown that has IT in the Title.  Ouch.

In contrast, this is just a piece of shit.  It's not funny.  It's not a ripoff.  It's just a series of unfunny 'Kill Scenes' with little payoff.  Yell at the camera.  Off-camera shark.  'Blood' squirted.  Yawn.

The fun of watching terrible CGI is barely-there.  It's just a chore to get through.  The Score- which I'm sure is stock and never matches the Scenes- is nice.  The Establishing Shots- which were clearly bought as Stock Footage- are also nice.

I guess points for using good stuff...but alot of points lost for making terrible stuff to surround it.  Why not just make a Film about the real Land Shark- it is still more convincing!

B

New International Trash: Land Shark (2020)

 As it is Shark Week, let's look at some Shark Explorers.  It's one thing to swim- where else can they go though?

That brings us to 2020's Land Shark.  It comes from China, who took a quick break from Human Rights Violations to make their own Asylum Film. 

Just kidding- they never stopped the Human Rights Violations.

How do you get a Land Shark?  You must be curious, right?  Well, let's find out...

In a Cold Open, we see a man and his son fishing.  They see something weird in the water.

Before you can see Free Willy, the Shark leaps out over them- how big is that thing?!?- and across the land towards a City.

To find out why that happened, see the next 30 minutes of Film, since this is a Flash Forward (that we see again later).

In an Undersea Lab- with a door exit that goes right to the surface, so how deep is it?-, we learn that a Genetics Company made a Super Shark to something something Cancer cure.  Holy Deep Blue Sea, Batman! (Editor's Note: Another Chinese Shark Film is just blatantly DBS- I'll cover it)

Within minutes of saying that they have it under control, it breaks the glass and attacks.

In lieu of Screenshots of that (since I saw this on Tubi), here's another Land Shark.

They make it to Land when they are surprised to find out that the Shark can go on it.  They didn't see the Title Card.

This section is all around putting a kid in peril, but she never gets eaten.  Cowards.

All kidding aside, they mixed Shark DNA with Earthworm DNA. 
No, really.

The thing is forced to flee into the Water, where get a nice Exposition Break.  I pretty much covered the key points.

They track it down in the water, only it is still mutating and is now WAY BIGGER.

Many of these Films have size-changing creatures- see Grizzly or Yeti- but this one actually puts it into the Plot!

Now it attacks the City, as per the Poster (which is still partly a lie).

So now there's a Giant Land Shark (which I guess it too much for one Title) and it's going crazy.

Can our Heroes stop it?
Does it have a weakness at all?

To find out, watch the Film and enjoy this weirdly-red Poster.

A big old, silly mess of a Film.  It clearly wants to look and feel like a big, Hollywood Blockbuster.  Hell, they have a guy who's a 'This Creature Hunter' who's strong, charismatic and wears a leather vest.  I guess it's fair to 'culturally-appropriate' Chris Pratt from Jurassic World if he's going to play Mario.

The Pacing is interesting here as we jump right to 'Here's our super Shark' and 'It's attacking us' happens within minutes.  The Film is no mood to wait!  It thankfully takes breaks to change Set Pieces, which is nice.

The whole thing is just a *touch* above a Syfy Channel Film as it is shot well.  Granted- the CGI ranges from passable- done in super-quick shots to hide it- to pretty cheap.  I mean, you saw that one with the Shark going 'up the road.'  They almost over-sharpened the Model a bit for me.  I get that it's supposed to look unreal and mutated, but I genuinely feel like you could cut yourself on those jagged edges.

If you can go 'Ha- it's a Land Shark,' you can enjoy this one.  It's played 100% straight, outside of the Comic Relief Guy (picture Chinese Ralphie May).  It's pretty damn cliché, which can make it fun or boring for you.

Sadly, it's not the only Film in the last 5 years to use this Title...

Next up, I have to do that Film I just teased.  You can't cover one Land Shark without doing the other...

Rip-Off Cover Art?: The Sand (2014)

 After just covering the 'Killer Sand Film,' I was, of course, reminded of a Film with a somewhat similar premise.

Well, I've already covered that Film and its variant Covers.

How similar are the Posters/Covers though?

Let's see...

In that one, it's one bikini girl being pulled in, while 2 more look on.

What does Blood Beach have?

It has one bikini girl with lots of people in the background, seemingly a mile away.

Similar?  Yes.
Copycat?  No.
Homage?  Maybe, but it also might be accidental.

As a bonus, here's a more gory version of the Poster made for, I'm guessing, less squeamish viewers (aka gore hounds).

I'm not judging, of course.

Ouch.

Too bad that Movie couldn't pull off any effect that dramatic.

New Streaming: Ms. Marvel- Episode 4

 While the Show is 'over' officially, it's not done for me until I watch them all.

Let's see what Episode 4 brings us on...

Kamala and her Mother travel to Pakistan to see her Grandmother, who's been the key to everything so far involving the bangle.

While there, she learns more about the real past in Pakistan and her family.

She meets her other relatives- who never moved to the U.S.- and tries to fit in in Pakistan.

Of course, even doing simple things like wearing blue jeans proves to be a problem...

While exploring by herself- ditching your family is super-easy, barely and inconvenience- she runs across a mysterious young man.

After they fight, why are they friends?!?

Danger follows her across the Globe- naturally.

Can she escape?
Will it be that simple?

To find out, stream the Episode.

A nice Episode that changes things up quite a bit.  For one thing, they're not in New Jersey anymore.  Secondly, a number of characters- like her Father- are absent in this Episode.

This Episode gives you a nice taste of a Country that doesn't get alot of focus in the United States.  As previously-stated, they use real history here and mix it with the fake stuff.  There's a *subtle* parallel made here between India and Pakistan's Partition and the dimensional barrier.  I'm sure I'm the only one that caught it- wink.

Beyond that, we get more information on the Plot, some good humor and the usual family dynamic.  Adding in the Grandmother mixes things up in that dynamic too, which is fun to see.

All in all, this Show is good and fun, unlike this stern lady...

Next time, Kamala is really out of her elements.  Can she get back home?!?  See you then...

Tubi Thursday: The Sand (2014)

 Just when you thought it was safe to NOT go back into the Water!  This 2014 Film sounds like a Parody, but it is 100% real.  

This is...

After a long night of a Graduation Party (it's supposed to be College, but...come on), our Heroes wake up hungover.  We see the first part in Video Flashbacks a la Cloverfield.

They quickly discover that the sand is deadly though.

Call Mitch!

Everyone is spread out on the Beach, one of whom, as you can see, has it far worse than anyone else.

"Good news- I'm in a Film.  Bad news- I spend the whole runtime stuck in a barrel with a dick drawn on my face."

Can our Heroes get past their personal issues to move *sigh* across 20-30 feet of sand?

Will this melodrama be worth your time?

Can they just stay off the damn sand already?!?

I'd have more to say, but...I mean, it's the Killer Sand Film.

Is this the worst trip to the beach ever?

Is this, in fact, a real Film and not a FunnyOrDie Video?

Yes and yes.  

The End.

A weird idea for a Film- no question.  Granted, I have seen Blood Beach (holy s#%t- that was 12 years ago!).  I've also seen Sand Sharks, as much as I try to forget it.

As I've said at least twice though, this feels like it can't be a real Film.  Like that clip where a Bus- and all but one rider- are decapitated by an invisible wall, you almost can't believe that there's an actual Film.  This is just, like, a clip made for a joke, right?

Nope.  Still real.

To be fair, the Actors- mostly- do try pretty hard here.  Some of them manage to cry on cue- good on ya!  The CGI is good...in small doses.  The final parts with it are...less so.  The glowing tentacles are just kind of silly.  Like I said with Blood Beach, it's almost better without a full reveal.

The Film could easily be shorter and more interesting.  I will applaud the Film for not trying to be funny and falling into the trap of adding random 'comic' victims here.  It's played 100% straight, like it or not.

At least they had a good time, even if they shot it in less than 2 weeks...

A silly-sounding Film that tries hard to be taken seriously.  Ultimately, you can only do so much in 12 days as 'The Killer Sand Film' though.

New Streaming: Obi-Wan Kenobi- Finale

 At last, the end is here.  This is the final Episode of...

A two-part story wraps up this Series.

In one part, a vengeful Reva seeks revenge on an easier victim (and plans to kill continuity) on Tatooine

In the other part, Kenobi lures the Empire- specifically Darth Vader- away from his allies for a final battle.

Will Obi-Wan's mercy be his undoing?

Is he still too disconnected from The Force to stop Vader?

…or will he finally let go of the past for one last victory?

Even though continuity is pretty set here, you'll still want to see how it all wraps up.

To see that, stream the Episode.

A good, strong finish to the Show.  To some people, the pace was slow.  At worst, I'd say deliberate.

I've written before about Prestige TV and how they extend storylines- see American Gods.  I didn't get that from this Show.

The Show delivers a good payoff to everything set up.  Nothing is left unresolved.  It's all interesting.  It's all exciting.  The Kenobi-Vader Fight is worth it alone.  It's less ridiculous than in the Prequels- they spin, but don't flip- and it's more exciting than in the first Film.  It's a good balance.

Is this Show *just* Fan Service?  I'd say 'no.'  It has a Story, every character has an Arc and it's fully-fleshed out.  Now, is there Fan Service here?  Of course.  It's Star Wars.  It's 2022.

Can you watch this without seeing the other Films/Shows?  Yes.

Yes, it's Disney-produced Star Wars.  Yes, it's Kathleen Kennedy.  It can still, you know, be good.  So just...you know, enjoy it.  Let me see that happy face...

A strong end to a Show that was put into an awkward position.  In spite of that, they delivered a good Show that fit nicely into the Timeline.

Lost in Translation: Yeti- The Giant of the 20th Century (1977)

 A confusing trip across the World.

Yeti- The Giant of the 20th Century was a King Kong-wannabe that was released alongside the Dino De Laurentiis Remake.

Naturally, this knock-off came from Italy.

So what happens when a DIFFERENT Foreign Country makes their own Poster for a knock-off of a Remake of a Classic Film?

You get...this.

It sure is...something.

The Yeti sure is big...I think.
That or she's tiny.
With nothing to show scale, how do I know?!?

What makes this one extra special is that this is just basically a re-drawing of the Italian Poster (well, one of them).

It sure reminds you of the one time that lady 'fixed' the old painting by trying to redraw it.

This isn't Fine Art, but it sure is...something.

I didn't bother trying to fix this, since...I mean, what do I do?!?

'70s Trash?: Project- Kill

 A Film who's Plot predates a more famous 'source material' that its Director didn't even live to read.  This is 1975's Project: Kill by William Girdler.  Quick story on this one and why it was picked- a saw a VHS of it at a Thrift Store, saw that I could also download a free copy of it and then did so.

Not all Stories that interesting and I never promised that it was.

Speaking of Stories that are interesting however, there is a big similarity between this Film's Plot and The Bourne Identity.  That Book was written in 1980.  As hinted at, Girdler- sadly- died in an accident in 1978.  Given how he got involved in a big lawsuit to get his profits from his Films internationally, I wonder what he would have done with the Book came out and sold lots of copies.

In this one, an Agent learns that his Company is training assassins and not Security Agents.  He flees to The Philippines to leak the information, but is followed.  Can he expose his old Bosses?  Can he escape the criminals?  To find out, read on...

A group of Agents is shown a confusing Film about how they are supposed to protect High Value Targets.  It seems to be shot from one location, but then there are lots of cuts and camera angles.

It turns out to be a professional Film, which I guess they hired Sam Peckinpah to do.

The young Agent shown in the Film is apparently our Hero- Leslie Nielsen.

Hey, if Richard Chamberlain can be Bourne, then so can he!

Anyhow, he quickly- in the runtime- learns that his Company is actually bad and leaves.

In The Philippines, his Assistant/Fellow Agent arrives to track him.  We follow him like he's the good guy, even though he's after the guy we know wants to expose the corrupt Agency.

Here's a thought- don't show that Intro and just start here.

Learning that Nielsen is not evil would be a nice twist, but...nope, do it your way, I guess.

Speaking of evil, some criminals want to capture Nielsen, since the CIA said he stole some government plates (to make him seem like the bad guy).

He finds a friend to help him...but you know how that ends in these kinds of Films.

Speaking of him, he falls for a nice young lady.

She doesn't know who he is, but is quite easy to convince.  2 Scenes later, she's not freaked out when he engages in a high-speed escape in her car.

That's love.

So we see the 2 Agents doing their own thing in, basically, their own Movies.

The non-Leslie Lead has some bad-ass moments- like trapping a bad guy in a room with his own, live grenade and blocking the door with luggage- but also fights in what I think is supposed to be CQC.

It leads to some silly poses on strikes, like this one.

It all comes down to a big showdown at the Docks as Nielsen tries to escape.  The bad guy- played by the guy who's seemingly in every Film made in The Philippines- is killed by Nielsen via off-screen punches.

The final showdown- which is the first time the pair have shared a Scene since the Intro- is set.

Who will win?

Despite controlling most of the fight, Nielsen is downed and struck by the fictitious 'strike your nose into your brain' strike.

He lives long enough to tell his friend that he'll be the target now (will he?) and dies.  The (bleak because its the '70s) End.

A pretty enjoyable, if not-too-creative Film.  As I said, I'd like to see a Film like this subvert the storytelling clichés and not reveal that the target is actually the good guy until later.  It would just add some nice drama and mix things up.

The basic Plot is fine, but, again, not too exciting.  The pair are basically in their own mini-Movies until they meet up in the End.  They each get a Character Arc too, making this structure pretty odd.  If you have them, for instance, meet once in the middle and get separated, that could help.

The adventures they have are pretty stock.  That said, seeing Nielsen in the role doing fake Karate/CQC has its own appeal.  His Co-Star, as noted, does pretty well too.  He just wasn't in Airplane.

Project: Kill is one of those Films that could do for a Remake.  It helps that its not famous enough- Troma distributes it now, so...you know, figure it out- to offend the Internet.  Speaking of the Internet, this Film gives you something to focus on- a Leslie Nielsen Thirst Trap.  La-a-adies.

Next time, I finally get around to doing a Film I bought ages ago.  Will a South Korean Film I bought solely based on knowing nothing about it be good?  Stay tuned...