Thursday, June 28, 2018

'80s Trash: Mama Dracula (1980)

It sucked.  Yes, it is the obvious joke to make when Reviewing a bad Vampire Film, but, well, this movie earned it.  Besides, if THEY won't try to make good jokes, why should I?  This is Mama Dracula, a 1980 'Comedy' based very loosely on the Elisabeth Bathory legend.  They can't ever quite get it right, especially considering that History all but exonerates her.  It is most notable for its Star- Academy Award Winner Louise Fletcher.  'Nurse Ratchet' is here as the Title Character and is really the only classy thing here.  The Film was made by a Belgian Director known for a bunch of Sex Comedies before this and, well, nothing after that.  There's nothing too interesting to share about the Cast...but I do have one kind of confusing thing.  So the other Lead- he plays the Doctor- is also Belgian and has a long Career of doing English Dubbing on French Cartoons...despite speaking English here quite well...and doing many Films in French.  As a bonus, he was a Dubbing Actor on Subway, a Luc Besson Film I did a while back.  Sadly, he's not the Dubbed Voice for Lambert, which would just make this full circle.  Enough stalling- let's take a bite...
A Doctor- who's name is just 'blood' spelled differently- studying Blood and gets invited to a Blood Conference.

Note to self- Copyright Band Name 'Blood Conference.'  Don't read this.
He ends up in Transylvania (a bit made confusing by a shot of a Boat coming TO America and then a plane leaving it in the next Scene) and meets the twins.  They are the best and worst part of the Film.
Fletcher is Bathory and she wants him to make synthetic blood to feed her and her Sons.  Oh and her Sons are actual Vampires, while she is not.

Why?  Why not, I guess?
Things are a bit freaky in the Castle as work progresses.
On the plus side, the Twins do a pantomime bit.  It serves no purpose, but is at least the most interesting thing in the Film.
He does what he can to get the formula to work, but needs one thing: human blood.

After complaining about how they are evil for killing virgins for their blood, he now asks for it...
Cue 'Kidnapping women to kill for their blood' montage.
In the midst of this, they kidnap a different woman, but both Bathory and the Doctor fall for her.
It all *yawn* comes to a head as the Village finally storms the Castle, but is stopped by *sigh* Musical Theater.  Oh and the Lady marries both of the twins.  The End.
Ugh.  That could be the world's shortest Review for this Film- ugh.  It's not funny.  It's not scary.  It's not interesting.  It's the worst of all worlds.  Mama Dracula sucks.  Yeah, I'm using that joke again.  This Film didn't earn anything other than my general disgust and disdain.  Even this confusing bit where a Shark presents a birthday card to Bathory can't get a rise out of me...
Next time, I try to cover something better.  The bar is pretty low, so that should be easy, right?  Stay tuned...

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