Rare Flix: Never Too Young To Die

A silly Action Film to end all Action Films.  Today's Film is Never Too Young To Die, a 1986 Film featuring John Stamos as your Lead.  You can already see a problem, right?  If it helps, the Film also features Vanity.  Does it?  I mean, she was in Action Jackson the next year.  Maybe if I told you who the Villain was?  It is Gene Simmons.  Wait- don't go!  He was in Runaway and the Classic Film KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park!  You'll probably stay if I tell you more about him....so I'll wait to do that.  The Plot involves a Gymnast (Stamos) discovering that his Dad used to be a Spy.  He is now needed to save the day and boy is he NOT ready for it.  Can he stop Simmons and his confusing gang of Mad Max rejects?  Can he actually win a fight to begin with?  To find out, read on...

Stamos is a Gymnast.  He's not bad-ass.  I'm pretty sure that the guy from Gymkata is his bully.

When his Dad- George Lazenby!- is killed, he learns the truth about his family.  Can he step up?

In his way is Simmons, who plays a madman who claims to be a Hermaphrodite, thus making him stronger as 'both a man and a woman.'

Simmons is NOT a fan of this Film FYI.  Do ask him about if you ever see him though.

Can Vanity make a bad-ass out of our Gymnast guy?  It sure as hell won't be easy.

Later, she makes a pass at him and he freezes up.  She keeps escalating it, to the point of literally sunbathing topless in front of him.  He FINALLY gets the hint!

Simmons' evil plan is to poison the water supply.  Presumably this is NOT to help the Youths of America take charge.

Yes, that is Robert Englund.

In a cunning move (provided you don't have eyes), Simmons disguises himself/herself as...the guy from Megaforce.

Oh and one of the *actual* Soldiers is the Squad Leader from Leprechaun 4.  Apparently he is an actual Vietnam Veteran!

Can our Heroes escape the clutches of the Bikers and save the day?  Can Stamos do his big stunt without an obvious Edit?

Not surprisingly, the pair succeed, although it is left open for Simmons to return.  This did worse than Dressed to Kill, so that ain't happening!

Cult Classic is a word that is thrown around too much and too easily.  Evil Dead 2 is a Cult Classic.  Demons is a Cult Classic (in America).  Is this such a Film?  Not quite, but it nearly succeeds in reaching such a high 'honor.'  It is just such a bizarre mish-mash of ideas.  A Gymnast turned Action Hero- sure.  A secret spy family- alright.  One of Prince's protégés as a 'Bond Girl'- I'll grant you that.  Those two stopping an Intersex Villain trying to poison the world AND commanding a dystopian-looking Biker Army- that's a bit much!  If this Film were made today, it would be one of those faux Grindhouse Films that probably tries too hard.  Since it was made 30ish years ago, it is a genuine attempt at being a serious Film.  This is Gymkata if he fought Dr. Frank-n-Furter instead of vague Europeans.  This is Dressed to Kill if you made your Hero swing around in spandex and lycra.  This is James Bond Jr. if the Plots got even sillier.  Since it just tries to be normal and is just actually bizarre, it is easy to recommend.  It sure ain't perfect, but what kind of Film like this is.  On one hand, it is sad to see this one be a one-off, as I'm curious what they would do next.  On the other hand, it is even funnier as a one-off, since it is clearly trying to be a Series Starter.  Oops.  This one is around more than it used to be, so check it out.  Enjoy this Poster to boot...

Next up, will I ever review Ratman?  If I can avoid such fun distractions, maybe.  Stay tuned...