Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Holi-slay Trash: Santa's Slay

Ho ho ha?  Today's film is Santa's Slay, a 2005 Christmas Horror Film.  I've put off this film for awhile, just because it seemed so obvious.  I mean, I think just about every Internet Film Critic of note has done it.  That said, I ran out of really interesting and crazy stuff to do this year.  I'm sure that some of it exists, but I haven't found it.  Like those socks from Grandma, let's just smile and enjoy this present that was not actually on your list.  Slay is about an Evil Santa who decides to start killing people.  There's a silly reason for all of this, which I'll get into in the review.  The film, while not all that interesting as a whole, does feature a weird connection to a Christmas Horror Film that I reviewed awhile ago.  The big thing is Goldberg playing Evil Santa.  It's the biggest draw of the film, so I hope that it does something for you.  To find out why this film peaks before the Title even appears, read on...
The film begins with the worst family ever (aside from your own, of course).  They all hate each other and act like dicks.
This is all a build-up for Santa Goldberg to show up and kill all of them.  He sets Fran Drescher's head on fire, kills Rebecca Gayheart and superkicks Chris Kattan harder than he ever did to Bret Hart.

No, I'm still not over his inexperienced ass helping to end Hart's career.
After that, we get the actual plot of the film.  Considering what we just saw, why bother?  They aren't going to top immolating the star of The Nanny or smashing Mango.

Our hero works at a Jewish Deli with That Jewish Actor Who's In Everything (aka Saul Rubinek).  He doesn't like Christmas and has an on-again-off-again relationship with this lady who eventually be on Lost.
Robert Culp is the Grandpa here.  He played the Cop in Silent Night, Deadly Night 3.

As it turns out, he was also an Angel.  You see...
Santa is actually a Son of the Devil and killed Children around this time every year.  They throw in a lot of 'ooh, that's clever' bits to make it sound real.  Essentially, Santa is forced to be good for 1,000 years (which now ran out).

They also animate like those old Rudolph Specials, since everyone does it.  Seriously, EVERYONE thought of this joke!
Our hero doubts alot of this and goes to investigate it.  It's all true, of course, but this does serve as some filler and to show off yet another fake Google stand-in.  I thought I'd run out of those by now...
Cutting out a shit ton of 'people get killed and quips are made' filler, Santa Goldberg wants to kill our hero since he finds out about Grandpa.  In place of his Reindeer, he has a sometimes-real, sometimes-animatronic Bison pulling his sled.
When all hope is lost, a literal Deus Ex Machina shows up in the form of Grandpa, who's now a Ghost.  He challenges Santa Goldberg to a rematch of the Curling Match.  He cheats.

Fortunately for our hero, he has a Chekhov's Gun in the form of a Walnut-shooting Nutcracker.  Don't ask.
The day is saved and everyone lives happily ever after, unless you watch the Alternate Ending.

In a nutshell, the rip off Animal House.  We learn that our hero moved to the United Arab Emirates (like Erik Prince) to avoid Christmas and his girlfriend's flight got lost.  Get it- she was on Lost.  It was still respected when this film came out.
I should also mention that Santa Goldberg escaped the explosion at the End (somehow) and heads to the North Pole.  Good luck with that Sequel, Director with only this film as a Credit.  The End.
Honestly, it's not that great.  The big thing about this movie is that it is a Horror Comedy.  Anyone that's read anything that I've ever written can tell you that I'm not a huge fan of these.  They rarely work.  In this film, a good 70% of the film is Santa killing assholes, whether they are James Caan (why, James?!?), an old bitch or Strip Club Bouncers.  I'd get five or six Poor Bastards of Cinema Inductions out of this one, but they're all one-note set-ups for murder.  The idea of Goldberg as an Evil Santa is fine.  He has a good physical presence and makes the most of what little motivation he is given here.  Plot points are random here and many don't get a good pay-off.  Grandpa is paranoid and waiting for Santa to show up, yet gets seen by his own Security Cameras and later run over.  I expected him to have some actual plan for Santa's arrival, as opposed to just 'Make one Nutcracker toy.'  It's an uneven film that suffers from its one draw.  The humor makes all of the death feel very pointless and one-note.  If you could make a serious Horror Film with Goldberg Santa, let me know.   I'll leave you to celebrate this special day with some Casual Racism...
Next up, I celebrate Winter in general with a Vampire Film from Lapland.  To see which Horror Sequel ripped them off, you'll have to read the review.  Stay tuned...


  1. jervaise brooke hamsterDecember 25, 2013 at 10:54 AM

    Merry Christmas Alec, have a great time geezer.

  2. Undoutebly one of the funniest and most entertaining xmas horror flicks. Love the scene where he goes "Ho, Ho... Hoes!" :D