Saturday, December 7, 2013

Grapple Crap: Death From Above (2012)

You suck!  You suck!  Today's film is Death From Above, another film starring Philadelphia's own Kurt Angle.  As mentioned in previous review of his movie, Kurt left the WWE several years back for a lighter- and less well-paying- schedule and the chance to do new things.  Such new things have included Starring in End Game, River of Darkness and today's film, as well as minor roles in such films as Warrior and Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.  I hope you're still happy with this deal, Kurt.  So what's so special about this film?  Well, it was made fairly-recently, which means that it features many of his TNA iMPACT Wrestling comrades, as well as a few Genre Actors whose house payments must have come due.  I kid, I kid.  The story involves Druids in Pennsylvania that...wait, you're going to get stuck on that, aren't you?  I can't blame you.  There is NO logical explanation for this shit- it just happens.  Angle is the villain again- he turns Face/Heel more often than a Vince Russo character!- and the hero is...James Storm.  Yeah, a fellow TNA Wrestler is the Lead, although the DVD Box, Disc Art and Credits say otherwise.  Can he be stopped?  Can the film's 15 sub-plots get resolved?  To find out, read on...
The intro- in Sepia Tone for no reason- features some Druids that are hiding a quartet of necklaces (that look like Sand Dollars) from some force.  A P.O.V. creature attacks the lone straggler, thus setting up the title.

I say that since NOTHING ELSE in the film has anything to do with 'Death From Above.'
The story proper begins with Kurt Angle driving his truck- with his two 'friends' on-board down a steep hill.  They crash and Kurt stumbles across one of the necklaces, which he naturally puts on.  When his friends come over, he brandishes a pair of 'expensive for a Flea Market' knives and kills them.

Oh and he has red eyes now.  EVIL!
James Storm- the guy in the sort-of white- is a down-home boy who just wants to live his life.  He's bothered by his friend (former TNA Wrestler Matt Morgan) and the Sheriff (Tom Savini), who randomly picks on him twice, but quickly gives up.  Huh?

Oh and Morgan disappears after his next Scene, never to be seen again.  It's kind of like what happened to him in TNA, actually.
TNA Wrestler ODB (not to be confused with the dead Rapper) randomly appears as a Truck Stop Owner who meets a future victim and yells at a guy for 'whacking it' in her Store.  She likes to grab her boobs and yell 'Bam,' since that is her catchphrase.

No, this doesn't add anything to the movie.  I'm glad you asked.
Kurt's goal is to get all 4 Necklaces and unleash '1,000 Years of darkness upon the Earth.'  They state that this was the cause of the Black Plague and the Dark Ages.

Despite the necklaces apparently being a guard against evil magic (which Kurt mostly is by now), he easily kills the next holder of the necklace: Robert (that doesn't look healthy!) Z'Dar.  Life...has not been kind to you.  Sorry.
Storm has weird dreams about what is happening- an excuse to re-show scenes from earlier- and seeks a Psychic at his Uncle's advice.  The lady- who possesses a vague European accent- gets freaked out by what she sees and leaves.

Why is she here?  Well, she's Kurt Angle's wife (well, the one he has now!) and the mother of his latest child.  Is that still Nepotism?
The Police- who mostly just show up after the deaths have occurred- investigate a 'tablet' left at the original scene.  These two Duck Dynasty Doctoral Candidates say that it's Celtic Runes.  This is just an excuse to tell us what we already knew.

Well, that and to piss people off who can tell that the Runes are actually Nordic.  You expected historical accuracy from this film?
Since the film is so new- especially since it took a year or two to come to DVD-, I won't SPOIL the Ending completely.  It does come down to Angle vs. Storm though.
Will Storm stop him?  Will Angle win the day?  Will this mysterious Drifter (Psycho Sid Vicious) be the real hero?  To find out, watch the movie.
Holy shit- this is bad!  The movie is weird, random and just kind of meandering.  It's not so much a Plot as it is a series of events.  Some of said events are important, while others are not.  Kurt Angle kills people.  James Storm acts like a redneck.  At one point, Morgan and Storm dump two ladies in the mud, who immediately start to wrestle for no reason.  Do they think that women just do that?  The film is chock full of Wrestlers trying to be Actors, which certainly does not help the film's quality.  Besides those mentioned, the movie also features Rhyno (also a former TNA Wrestler) and at least one other as his buddy.  On top of that, the better Actors- like Savini and Z'dar- have either tiny parts, confusing parts or just don't feel all that important.  Savini's Sheriff is just confusing and is written out in a pretty lazy way, while Z'Dar's Concert Promoter (not named in the Credits) could have been played by anyone.  The whole thing is a real disappointment if you go in looking for a good Horror film.  If you're looking for silly, low-budget trash, it's a gold mine.  Bad Acting, a ridiculous plot and a shoe-string budget- priceless.  It's all cheap and trashy, kind of like this...
Up next, a pair of films about a Curse (or two).  Can an Internet Celebrity make this film one worth watching?  Stay tuned...

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