Quick Reviews: Freedom Fighters- The Ray

As we're now in limbo waiting for the second half of Crisis on Infinite Earths, let's go back to the Earth X Crossover.  They cut together a web show about The Ray into a Film, so here we go...

On Earth X, the Nazis are in charge and a group of titular fighters try to save, well, freedom.

Things don't go well in their last battle.  Speaking of which...

Our Hero- the Ray (non-hero name) of Earth 1 is a Civil Servant without a job.  He also can't come out to his parents.

FYI the User Reviews for this Show on IMDB are like 70% complaining about this being 'gay propaganda.'  Skip it.

Earth X's The Ray ends up on Earth 1 and his energy dissipates into Earth 1 Ray, giving him his powers at the cost of his life.  He also tells him to destroy a MacGuffin before the Earth X Nazis find it.

Said Nazis are evil versions of Supergirl (aka Overgirl), The Flash (aka Blitzkrieg) and Green Arrow (aka Black Arrow).

Weird bit- only Melissa Benoist is voicing her own Character.  She's also the only one NOT playing the good version (since hers is on Earth 38).

The Ray tries to deal with his personal issues and new powers.  He ends up meeting the Earth 1 gang, which means that we get more of modern-day Vixen (who's absent from the Live-Action Shows).

I feel like this is a Plot Hole (since they don't seem to know him in the Crossover), but I could be wrong.

Can Earth 1's The Ray save Earth X as their new hero?  Will this properly set up the big event?

To find out, watch the condensed version here or stream the Show on CW's App.

A solid, by-the-numbers affair.  This isn't going to make or break you on these things.  DC Animation is always good, even when they are just rehashing recent Stories/Events.  They never *not* deliver.  In this case, the Action is nice, the Show/Film has style and it has a good arc to it.  The big payoffs don't always have to be over-the-top.  Sometimes, just like life, the resolution can be simple and effective.  Ray going from a heroic man on a mission (not Mabel) to one who has the powers to actually be a real hero is nice.  The bit with him and the other CW Heroes is a bit shoehorned in, but I have no real complaints about it.  They got some nice character bits in and the set piece is something that they can't really do on TV.  It is an otherwise context-less Scene, but I'll take it.  Again- remember that this was a Web Show, so this was probably just the big Episode to sell it.  Is this Film full of 'gay propaganda' like the User Reviews say?  I mean, the lead character is gay and it is part of his story.  Other than that, I'd just say that people really need to look up what the word 'propaganda' is before they use it next time.  The 'Film' delivers on what it promises.  If you see it with the Crossover, it works.  If you see it alone, it also works.  Speaking of work, I love how nobody ever actually writes in the Articles here (since they figure nobody but me will pause to check).  I mean, it's all gibberish...

A good 'Film' that doesn't break the mold, but still delivers.  They get to do stuff the CW couldn't afford in Live-Action, so enjoy it for that if nothing else.

Holiday TV: Friday the 13th- 'My Wife As A Dog'

It's that time again- when a random series of events leads to a numbered day happening on a certain weekday.  It feels so special.

Since the Film Series is still tied up in limbo, I might as well do another Episode of the TV Show...

A Fire Fighter is obsessed with his wife, who is separated from him.  During a Fire, he finds a magic dog leash (pause for laughter) and kills his friend with it (since he thinks he was sleeping with her).

When he gets away with it, he discovers a side effect...

His ailing dog gets better.

Naturally, he puts two and two together after killing the Vet who tried to put down the dog.
Willing to kill for your Dog?  Should I call PETA to give you an Award or call the Cops?

As he kills more people (drawing suspicions as he does so), changes start to happen to the Wife...

...and the Dog.  It gains her eyes and she gains its.

Freaky, no?

As the gang tries to deal with the mystery and a sub-plot involving getting the Shop up to code, he makes his big move- trying to kill the wife and complete the transformation.

They arrive too later to stop him, but he's put in jail for the other murders.  As they wonder about what happened, the wife visits him and...is now the dog in her body.

Freaky climax, but people will see through this instantly, no?  The End.

A weird, weird story.  The basic premise is this- man uses magic rope collar to slowly turn his wife into a dog.  This is played straight too.  I feel like if you swapped the murder part out for something innocuous, it could be a Disney Film.  Our Heroes are still not *that* good at this whole investigation thing, which is kind of surprising given that this is near the end of the Series run.  You should be good at this by the 42nd case (give or take)!  The Acting is good overall and it builds nicely.  It's weird that some important things- like a death or two- happen off-camera.  The one, for instance, is an odd choice.  We see before the woman is killed and then we see the change in the dog.  Is it supposed to be a surprise then when they find the body of the dead woman?  A previous time I did one of these it was by David Cronenberg.  This time, it's nobody that notable.  I mean, it is a Film Director.  He did Cameron's Closet, numerous Shows like War of the Worlds and Tales from the Darkside, plus the first Film of...Tom Hanks?!?!

A freaky Episode where everything doesn't quite work out.  It's a strange, but nice change of pace.

Quick Reviews: The Beast of Yellow Night

A strange bit of Film History is finally seen by me, thanks, again to Rifftrax.  This one sure is strange...

Somewhere in Southeast Asia (they never clarify) in 1946, a bad man is running in the Woods from the Authorities.

He's greeted near death by a strange man who is clearly the Devil.  Satan sure looks more like that dead Hawaiian guy who covered Somewhere Over the Rainbow than I would have guessed!

After the smoke-filled credits, a man in the present (1971) is awakened from a coma and the sight of his face causes his Doctor to die of shock!

They don't ever address this, but do explain that he's the man from before, only now in a new body.

The Movie never *quite* explains it well, but Satan is using him to inspire fear and hate.  As such, he can't die until his service is over.

Also he turns into a monster sometimes.

The monster parts are the most interesting, but they inevitably take a backseat to the main Plot involving him trying to find salvation and escape his fate.

Things look down as he realizes that he's immortal as long as Satan needs him.  'Thankfully,' Religion steps in...to kill him.

In this case, it's kind of a happy ending.  I guess.  The End.

It's not quite camp, not quite class.  The Film tries to be interesting and be taken seriously.  It wants to make you think of something deeper than you actually get.  'Satan' monologues and says weird things.  Our Hero mopes and overacts.  Our Supporting Cast is never quite clear what is going on.  The Plot kind of just meanders for about 80 minutes.  The brief bits of the monster are clearly the best part.  The actual Plot is just too dense to be fun, but also too much fluff to be taken as serious and/or arty.  It is a big part of Film History as it was the first Film released and distributed by Roger Corman's New World Pictures.  On top of that, it led him to filming in the region.  That, in turn, led to many, many other Films being shot there.  The fact that a Documentary just about shooting Films in The Philippines exists says it all.  It's not a great start for a trend, but is the actual start of it.  Aside from a decent monster mask and this dayglo, that's about all the Film has going for it...

A dense (in a bad way) Film that tries to be more than it can muster.  With Rifftrax, it's a much easier watch and quite enjoyable though.

Forgotten TV: The Adventures of Fu Manchu (1956)

Before there was Hannibal or Dracula getting TV Shows, one man beat them to the punch...

Yes, this popular Pulp, Film, Comics and TV fixture once headlined his own Show!

As a quick refresher/info dump, Dr. Fu Manchu is an evil Asian Man.
He's a Scientist, Doctor, Madman and all around would-be Dictator.

He faced off with many Heroes, including Sherlock Holmes (in a special), The Avengers (as copycat version Yellow Claw) and Shang-Chi, which was eventually retconned away in time for that Character's MCU Debut.

He's evil and Asian- that's all you need to know.

After a failed Pilot in 1952 (Starring John Carradine!), this Show came about.
I only have four of the 13 Episodes (the same cut together into a Film, as well), but I can cover this well enough.

So this is Fu Manchu...

No, an Asian Actor never seems to have played the character.  On one hand, do you blame them?

Glen Gordon plays him well-enough (he has natural presence), but his squinting and accent (He ah always ah pauses to ah sound foreign) are very dated!

He's always hounded by two Federal Agents that try to stop his various schemes.

Said schemes include stealing gold, ruining peace talks, killing various figures and, oh yeah, WORKING WITH HITLER!

Naturally, his attempts always fail...but he's also never caught.  His henchmen, like this guy, aren't so lucky.

By the way, falling from a fourth story window makes no blood come out of you- naturally!

Every Episode seems to end with him in his lair watching whatever just happened on a TV.  How and why he can do that are never explained.

Oh well, he'll get it right next time.  He doesn't.

 A weird TV experiment.  As I've mentioned in other Articles, TV was a new thing in the '50s and nobody was quite sure how it should work.  It's why early TV Shows feel like Plays...just filmed on Cameras.  This one was an early attempt to make a strong narrative centered on a villain.  It was one thing to make a Film about Fu Manchu (which had been done as early as 1929), since it was a one-off.  Likewise, reading Rohmer's Short Stories about him was a more natural thing, even if Books didn't tend to use repeated villains as the focal points.  Doing a Show around this guy was too controversial in 1952, but I guess it was fine four years later.  The actual Stories have *some* variety, but they only have so many ideas.  Two out of the four Episodes feature him using plastic surgery to make duplicates for various means.  The other two feature him using lackeys forced to work with him, but inevitably losing the will to do evil.  I'm guessing we got that a few more times, given the pattern so far.  I'd look more into the other Episodes, but IMDB is pretty sparse.  Only these four Episodes (below) are semi-full Pages, since, again, they were released as a Film too.  Fun Fact: Glen Gordon's last Roles were all on The Waltons- a far cry from being a yellow menace!  As for Fu Manchu, he'd return to Films...played by Christopher Lee and Peter Sellers (in his last Film).  His cultural impact- while not positive- is notable.  After all, who else has a kind of mustache named after him?  If nothing else, the Disc I have does come with a Cartoon, so all is right with the world!

I can't recommend this for the right reasons, but there are many wrong ones that will suffice.

Quick Reviews: Valerian and the City of 1,000 Planets

Another Film I’ve neglected for a long time.  Is it a hidden gem or a CGI mess?   Let’s see...

 A lovely, peaceful Planet enjoying life is seen.

Yeah, they’re doomed...30 years before the Story begins.

Agents Valerian and Laureline are on the case- just not that one.  It involves an inter dimensional market, some goggles and...yeah, I got nothing.

Oh and we get a 1-line Cameo from Rutger Haeur.  Thanks?

 Things get weird when Valerian gets visions from that Planet and saves their weird pearl-secreting CGI aardvark thing.

$200 million well spent.

The story gets sidetracked by nonsense several times and this is the right reaction.

 Oh look- it’s Clive Owen.

Using the Scooby-Doo Rule, he’s clearly the bad guy.  His chrome black murder bots might be a hint too.

 Can they see past the nonstop neon CGI to save the day?

To find out, watch the Film.

 A bizarre, overly-long Film.  The money spent here clearly shows.  That said, I had clear fatigue from all the shiny, fake visuals.  It’s like eating nothing but candy for 2 hours straight- I do it but my body doesn’t like it after the 27th time.  The Plot drops in and out like a narcoleptic chimney sweep.  It stops at least 3x too many.  Now here’s the big thing- the Casting.  Dane and Cara are surely nice people, but they have no chemistry- at all.  When they are separated, they fare little better.  Dane is no Han Solo.  Cara is no Wonder Woman.  On top of that, Rihana gets a dramatic Character Arc- nuff said.  It looks nice...for a while, but is shallow.  When you take away the CGI, there’s just not much there...

Impossibly-Deceptive VHS Cover Art: Mitchell

A Film made famous by MST3K gets a new lease on life- on VHS!

The Film is not a big, action spectacle.

Of course, nobody told that to the people who made this...

HAHAHAHAHA!

HAHA!

Oh...man...WTF?!?

This is not in the Film.
Linda Evans isn't anywhere near anything like this in the Film.
Joe Don- Action Hero is a delight.

So yeah, it's all crap.

That said, it is freaking amazing!

Quick Review: Rifftrax vs. Greydon Clark

Greydon Clark is not the most famous of the 'Bad Movie Directors' out there.  He does hold a special place in the hearts of the Rifftrax Crew though, since they've done, well, a big chunk of his Filmography!

To begin, my most recent watch of the group and one they redid from MST3K.  If Joe Don can go for seconds, so can they?

The Plot: A Texas Lawman is stuck in Malta with an Italian Criminal he was trying to bring in.  He battles indigestion- not a joke, but a real Plot Point- and the Mob as he tries to get, well, the Title.

Thoughts: A serious misfire for a number of reasons.  The Film tries to have it both ways.  It has Joe Don as an 'unlikely Action Hero' with faults, but then also has him try to look bad-ass.  It's like if you cast modern Seagal as John McClane- it doesn't work.  It also looks and feels very cheap.  It's silly in a mostly bad way (if watched without Rifftrax of MST3K).  It's not as interesting as they clearly thought.  It's just bad and dumb, although it does feature Greydon as a guy named 'Bob,' so I'm happy.

Next up, Clark goes Horror for a Film I actually covered as a normal Film.  Well, normal is not the right word for this...

The Plot: A mutated monster hides out as a cat, but ends up on a bad guy's yacht with some random 'teens.'  The creature reveals itself in time, letting them try to fight for survival on the high seas!

Thoughts: A strange and silly Horror Film.  A cat-like monster hiding inside of a cat puppet-thing kills some evil Businessman and some 'teens' on a boat.  Who thinks of that?  Oh right- the guy who would write Satan's Sadists!  Seriously, what is this creature?  On the plus side, it is complete trash, completely-dated and features a sad George Kennedy.  The guy feels worse being in the Film than I feel watching it (unriffed- like I did).  It's a bizarre mess.  On the plus side, it features one of Greydon's kids in this Sequel Bait...

Now we get to the tail end of Clark's Film Career.  Can his second-to-last Film be his best?

The Plot: Surviving Humans are forced to live in some sort of Train/Subway Station by Robot Overlords.  One guy discovers a baby is born and leads a revolution.  Children of Men this is not.

Thoughts: A weird mess of a Film.  An off-screen Robot Apocalypse apparently happened and leads to surviving Humans being forced to live in a Subway Station running Night Clubs.  So is this just reverse Westworld?  The Effects are cheap, the Plot is dumb and the Acting is...yeah, it's bad.  The whole thing then takes a weird turn that I still don't really (care to) understand.  It's just dumb.  On the plus side, it features the first Andy Sidaris Film Lead I saw- Cody from Malibu Express.

For the finale, we have the Film so bad that it gets name-dropped as 'shit' in the other Clark Riffs.  It's also his last Film, so enjoy...

The Plot: A Space Prince (not to be confused with the Prince of Space) crash lands on Earth and befriends a kid.  Can they survive in the Wild AND escape the Alien threat now leveled at both of them?

Thoughts: Clark's magnum opus of insanity.  Why is this the most infamous Film of his?  Well, besides being his last, he also cast his two Sons as the Leads.  Casting Brothers as kids that aren't related- always a winning strategy!  The actual Plot is just plain nuts.  On top of that, he somehow roped Tony Curtis into this!  Most notably, it features a Compute A.I. that appears as...Pennywise?

There you have it- Rifftrax's four Greydon Clark Films- so far.  Here's hoping for more, as this guy made cheap crap that we can all enjoy (ironically)!

My Crazy Youth: Dracula Battles The Defenders of the Earth!

This would have been perfect for October!
I just didn't know that it existed until last week.

The Defenders of the Earth was an '80s Show with a Super Friends-like premise, but with different characters.  One Company owned a bunch of random Characters and put them together.  You got...

Flash Gordon- Ace Pilot.  Earth Hero.  Featured in best/worst Sci-Fi Film ever in 1980.
The Phantom- Master of the Jungle.  'Immortal' Hero.  Featured in the best/worst Superhero Film in 1996.
Mandrake the Magician- Master of Magic.  Lord of Illusion.  Featured in...very old Film Serials.
Lothar- Strong as 10 men!  Man-Servant to Mandrake in the Comic Strip.  Once described in 1935 as his "giant black slave."

...so anyways, can these guys switch seamlessly from fighting Ming the Merciless and other Aliens to the Undead?  Let's find out...

We begin with Jonathan Harker going to kill Count...Vlad?

Yeah, they just call him that, despite the Title of the Episode.  I don't know why.

...anyhow, this Dracula pops out and...transfers his body into Harker's via pink energy, taking over.

Some time later, Dr. Van Helsing asks Mandrake and company to check on Harker.

They show up, see all of the creepy stuff and decide to hang around.
Vlad/Harker/Dracula has a thing for The Phantom's clearly underage Daughter, even giving her a dress as part of his courting ritual.

Ew.

The title comes from what they all- save Phantom- drink at Dinner.  It turns them all into Animals!

Yes, Dracula's plan is to turn them into talking animals and sell them.  Flash's Son becomes a 'giant white owl.'

...for about 10 seconds before changing into a brown-white one.

Thanks, rushed animation!

They need a cure for this, which is made by their super-computer (in a mountain) and sent to them via rocket.  This is apparently set in/around 2015 by the way.

Extra fun: said super-computer is powered by a crystal containing Flash's wife Dale's soul!  F---king '80s Shows could get away with alot!

Before taking the cure, the now all-animal group decide to hoist Dracula with his own petard, defeating his wolves!

They turn human and take him out with their truck's spotlights (sure!) and he returns to being Harker.
He wants to make the place a Museum/Bed and Breakfast!  The End.

A weird use of everyone involved!  Where do you begin with this?  A Space Ace, a Magician, a Bruiser and a Jungle Lord team up to battle Dracula.  Dracula doesn't ever once try to bite anyone.  Dracula's plan involves turning people into talking animals.  Dracula kind of gets his ass kicked by everyone, especially Flash and his son in the body of two birds.  Random things are introduced- like a Villager being turned into Dracula's unwilling servant- but little comes of it (he just provides more bodies to become wolves).  The big climax involves the group- as animals- fighting a pack of wolves.  In addition, Dracula's willing henchman fights The Phantom and is tossed from the wall onto a carriage.  So yeah, he's dead!  The whole thing is just plain bizarre and I kind of love it.  I still think that The Centurions fighting Dracula is weirder and a bit more interesting, since it feels more natural.  This has a real WTF quality to it, sort of mixing Dracula and Dr. Moreau for no good reason.  One last update on Flash's Son.  He went from a 'giant, white owl' to a brown one to...a normal-sized one.  No, they don't address this change one bit...

A strange, silly Episode.  Where else can you see Dracula, a giant snake fighting wolves and The Phantom press-slamming wolves like he's Andre the Giant?!?