DCE-Hulu: Doom Patrol- 'Frances Patrol'

Another week and this time they look for the Chief!  Nah, just kidding.  They do say it once, so that's good enough...

Negative Man continues to try and bond with the spirit/creature inside of him.  It keeps letting him see/re-enact moments from his past that he could improve.

Is there something more going on though?

Cyborg faces a literal internal crisis as his robotic-side might be trying to take over.  Ouch.

Robotman and Elasti-Girl are in Florida to try and reunite the former with his Daughter after a tragic event.

FYI the Episode Name is from an Alligator.  Sadly, they don't go to multiple versions of France.  Merde!

Can (Crazy) Jane be the voice of reason and keep their kind-of quest to save the Chief going?

To find out, stream it.  You know you want to hate-watch Catwoman...

I'm truly torn on this one.  I want to complain about how what little Main Plot they have is going nowhere.  It took TWO EPISODES for them to actually read the Mentallo name on the Comic Book Page given to them in Episode 9.  You guys suck at observation!  We get yet another 'we need to look for the Chief' line, but that's about it.  Here's the flipside though: the rest of the Episode is quite good.  If they're going to drag their feet, they are at least being good while doing so.  This stands in contrast to, say, two stand-alone Episodes (out of 11) about Hawk and Dove.  The side stories that drive the Episode are solid and made me feel more about stuff that I wouldn't think possible to care about.  Do I care that a brain in a metal body can't help but feel jealous of the man who raised his Daughter?  Do I care that a fictional gay man exposed to cosmic radiation never could accept himself?  Yes!  It sounds weird, but that's a credit to the Writing and Acting.  I cared when all logic said otherwise.  Doom Patrol is managing to keep up with the good distractions, but it will only get them so far.  They did give me a new line to replace 'Does this smell like Chloroform?' though- 'Look at my Elbow.'

Next time, we get...something.  I don't bother to make predictions at this point.  See you then...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Wolf (1987)

This Film comes to us from Thailand and follows in the footsteps of classics like The Howling.

It needs one thing to sell itself- a great Poster.  It has one!

Holy crap!  This looks amazing!

Of course, I'm featuring it in THIS Segment because, well, the Poster is a lie.  Here's a Screen Shot of what the Creature *actually* looks like in the Film.

Pause for laughter.

So yeah, great Poster though.

Here's the original (complete with the guy who looks like young Obama)…

I only added color and contrast.  It didn't need much.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Cyber Tracker 2

One so obvious that it apparently slipped my mind.

In Cyber Tracker 2, a bad guy makes a Robot Double of Don 'The Dragon' Wilson.  It shoots up a Police Station like some other Film.

Die Hard, right?

To lean into almost more, they have two people hiding around a corner.  That's a clear reference to this bit from...The Running Man?

No, that's not it.

He shoots lots of Cops using that silly T-Rex pose to shoot.  I guess you don't have to worry about the kick if you're a Robot.

A Robot?  Like...Short Circuit?

SOOO many dead Cops.  Even if they save the day, they'll need to do a Police Academy 4-style recruitment.

Is this from Police Academy 6: Mission to Moscow?  If so, that Film is darker than I remembered!

One last victim, but at least he left us with a silly face of death.

The moral: if you see Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, shoot first and ask questions later.

Next time, it is never safe to be a Janitor.  If the clogged toilets don't get you, bad guys will!  See you then...

Quick Reviews: Replicas (2018/19)

If it is any wonder why we have a third John Wick Film, look no further than Keanu Reeves other Films.  The fact that you're probably Googling what they were now tells the whole story.  This is one of them...

Keanu Reeves is a Scientist (pause for laughter) who is trying to transfer consciousness from man to robot.

Every attempt has ended in rejection of the host body and failure.  This one tried to rip its own head off, so...yeah, failure.

He's somehow the world's most lucky and unlucky man all at once.

A car accident kills everyone EXCEPT HIM.  What...luck?

He goes to his comrade with a daring (and illegal) plan- clone and restore his family.

Can they succeed?  Can they avoid trouble with their Boss?  Does the Film abuse Dutch Angles to show uncertainty?

Will they find out the truth?  How will they take it?

To find out, watch the Film.  They really need to recoup that money on Streaming, so help them out.

An interesting concept lost somewhere along the way.  Here's something you need to know- the Film was made in 2016.  It was first screened in 2018.  It was released in January 2019.  It was released on DVD/Streaming in April 2019.  So yeah, something clearly went wrong!  On the positive side, Keanu does his best with the role.  There's points early on where he has to appear sad and he totally nails it!  Other parts are less convincing, as no amount of techno-babble made me buy him as a Scientist.  The premise is interesting and could easily have gone many interesting places.  Sadly, they picked the least interesting option.  Without SPOILERS, the Plot detour is disappointing and it hits every obvious beat along the way.  The Ending is pretty abrupt and feels more like a stop.  It's like a Dad telling a Bedtime Story before he sees a text alert that Sportcenter is about to start.  Suddenly he's all 'And they lived happily ever after.  The End!' and rushes out the door.  The payoffs just don't deliver.  It's so close at points to working and it's a shame to see things end up how they do.  A longer, better Cut of this would be nice.  For instance, more than 15 minutes before the Family is dead after all of ONE SCENE with Reeves.  It can't quite commit as to what Genre it should be- for the record, it should be Horror- and the big turn (or two) is just not delivered.  Replicas starts out strong and just peters out to a forgettable Sci-Fi Drama.  On the plus side, it did show us the thrills of clearing out your Inbox!

An interesting premise that doesn't really develop.  It seems to be building to something interesting, but then completely sidetracks for no good reason.

'70s Trash?: The Car (1977)

While not as famous, the 'Jaws, But' Subgenre sure is prevalent!  Without even breaking a sweat, I can think of 'Jaws, But a Whale,' 'Jaws But a Buffalo,' 'Jaws but a Bear' and 'Jaws, But a Squid.'  Those are all Animals, of course.  That brings me to today's Film- The Car.  This 1977 Film is 'Jaws, But A Car.'  It's pretty shameless.  Is it good though?  It's fine to be a rip-off if you do it well, right?  The Plot involves a mysterious, magic car that starts to kill people.  Why?  Who cares, am I right?  The Film features a number of good/notable Actors including James Brolin and Ronny Cox.  Can local Cops in the Southwest stop an evil Car?  Where do you take said Car for an oil change?  How do you replace the blood of Virgins that acts its coolant?  To find out the answer to one of those questions, read on...

Starting off subtle, huh?  Welcome to the '70s.

Here's your Cocaine and 8-Track Player.

The titular Car drives (or walks?) around and kills people.  It takes out some people on Bikes and a guy who tries to stop Domestic Violence.

It also sees people in this orange tint...for some reason.

James Brolin is the young, handsome Cop in town.  He's got two cute kids and a girlfriend.

It doesn't pay to be a Biker in this Town- clearly!

As the bodies pile up, the Police know that something is amiss.  When the Car seems to have no driver and can summon up sand storms, things get even weirder.

The high point for me- when the Car does a sharp turn, rolls itself at 2 Cop Cars like a barrel, blows them up and just starts driving again (with a cut to cover how the hell that last part happened).

It's so silly and so badass!

The Car kills Brolin's love interest- by jumping through her window and out the back wall- and now it is even more personal.  They make the connection between the occult and the Car here though.

I'm still not clear why it is evil, of course.

The Car comes for Brolin personally this time.  It all leads to a big chase and an elaborate plan involving dynamite.

Oh and Ronny Cox overcomes depression and Alcoholism somewhere in the middle of all of this.

They blow up the car by tricking it into driving off of a cliff into some dynamite.  It makes a scary fire face and the Film ends...until an unrelated 'Sequel' made in 2019.  The End.

A silly, but enjoyable experience.  The thing that is fascinating is just how seriously they take this premise.  Jaws worked by doing this- and it's creature was an actual thing!  In contrast, Orca went out of its way to be 'shocking' and morose.  It also featured an Orca that was so smart that it targeted a Power Plant to get the Town to send the Captain back out into the Water, so...other problems too.  The point being is that there has to be a balance.  This Film features an evil demon-possessed (maybe?) Car.  During said Film, we get Ronny Cox dealing with Depression and Survivor's Guilt.  We get a man trying to form a new family unit.  We get a woman trying to balance work and love.  We get people dealing with grief (inflicted by a demon-possessed Car) in natural, realistic ways.  Yes, the Car is bullet-proof.  Yes, it can magically do a barrel roll and keep driving.  Yes, it can 'jump' through the front of a House with near-pinpoint accuracy.  In spite of all that, this Film feels real(ish).  The Car is one of the better 'Jaws, But' Films out there and maybe it needs more love.  Kind of the same way whoever drew this needs some love in his life...

Next time, a Movie who's Poster I highlighted 2 years ago gets reviewed.  There be Lions!  Stay tuned...

Zoned Out: The Twilight Zone- 'The Wunderkind' (2019)

Another week and another morality play courtesy of CBS' version of Hulu.  This time, it *might* be topical...

Our Lead is a 'Kingmaker'- a Campaign Manager who can't lose...until he does.

Sadly, this is the only time we see John Laroquette.  Why cast him for just this one bit?

He discovers an 11 year old kid who made a YouTube Video about wanting to be President.  This could be his way back in!

During this, we constantly cut back to him strapped to some sort of operating table.  Clearly something goes wrong here!

Will his campaign work?  More importantly, what will happen to him if it does?

To find out, watch the Episode on CBS All Access.  They have other stuff too...I guess.

A dark Episode designed to touch close to home.  If you didn't figure it out, this is *kind of, sort of* about Trump.  I really hope that nobody missed that.  Putting aside the politics (at least for now), the Episode is quite good.  Peele continues to give Actors that don't normally get to be Leads the chance to do so.  Yet again, it pays off.  John Cho has really stood out on his own in recent years and this is no exception.  It's also funny to see the lady from Castle Rock- I probably should finish that Season some day.  Unsurprisingly, Jacob Tremblay is also good here.  The Plot is sort of a riff on one of the more famous ones- the one where the kid has reality-warping powers.  They take the literal magic out here and just make it all about 'making connections' and just plain being convincing.  The kid manages to leave an impression on people just through his looks and words.  He can make you do what he wants in a more subtle way and you rarely question it.  The framing device of Cho on the Hospital Bed works well enough and keeps you reminded of the fact that something bad is going to happen.  You could probably do the Episode without it too.  It's not like you *don't* suspect a bad ending for a TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODE (especially a modern one).  Regardless of where you stand politically, this is a very good Episode.  As a bonus, we can see that even in the age of Prestige Television, the practice of Casting a Kid Actor's Sibling as his/her Sibling is still in effect...

Next time, trouble in Space.  Are visions of danger to be ignored or acted upon?  See you then...

DCE-Hulu: Doom Patrol- 'Hair Patrol'

My feelings about the Story not moving forward enough sure aren't helped this week.  Yep, it's a 'Parallel Episode'- joy.

In Flashbacks, we see The Chief up around Alaska, where he runs afoul of some creature.

So this takes place in 1913, so do no Main Characters age?  I'm still waiting for a reason here.

In the Present, the Bureau of Normalcy hires a strange man named The Beard Hunter- no SPOILERS in regards to the name- to track down The Chief.

If you're wondering why it took the events of the previous Episode (with Danny the Street) for them to do this, you're asking the right questions.

I should also mention that all of this is going on during the events of Episode 9.  We couldn't show the events in sequence and/or with cross-cutting as 2 Episodes, because reasons.

What is the secret that The Chief discovers in 1913?

Can The Beard Hunter track down Niles or is he more trouble than he's worth?

To find out, stream the Show.  It's the only place to find The Birds of Prey, besides Dollar Bins at Wal-Mart.

A pretty interesting, but seemingly-pointless aside.  The positive stuff first.  This take on Beard Hunter- a joke Character from Morrison's run- is weird and inspired.  He went from a Punisher parody to something completely different.  I'll ignore his similarity to Chris Coppola and/or the guy from Catechism Cataclysm.  The B-Plot with The Chief was kind of interesting too.  It was different and had a unique setting, so points there.  That said, this Episode seemingly got us nowhere.  I have a feeling that the creature from said Flashbacks will play a part in the final Episodes.  That said, I expected the Hawk and Dove stuff (plus Jason Todd) to play out in Titans...and they just ended that Season with an hallucination.  Doing a parallel story can be interesting and I can see the appeal.  It just adds to my issues of the Pacing when they can't even move forward from what little was accomplished last time.  Think of it like a Comic Book- tough, I know.  If you knew that there were only 13 Issues in a Book and every issue kept ending with little being resolved, how long would you keep buying them?  With a finite Episode Order, you can only do so much...so do it!  To end this with something positive, here's the Too Many Cooks guy...

Next time, will we actually move forward?  We have 16,000 pieces in place, so can we move on?  See you then...

Impossibly-Lying Cover Art: Dangerous Passions (1990)

Did you make a TV Movie and nobody cared?
Was your Star in a more interesting Movie?

If so, just release the Film in other Regions as a 'Sequel' to that more interesting Movie...

HAHAHAHAHA.

No.

Nice try.

Here's a more accurate Poster...

This is fine, so why lie?

Oh right- assholes.

Rare Holiday Flix: Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire (1952)

A Film only a Mother could love.  Assuming said Mother had never seen a Comedy before, that is.  This is Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire, a 1952 Comedy starring a British Comedy 'Legend' that I had never heard of before.  Given the quality of this one, I can't imagine that I'll hear it again either.  This Film goes by many different names, as it was changed for both the U.S. Release AND the U.S. Re-Release in 1963.  Yes, someone released this TWICE and ON PURPOSE.  This is the last in the Mother Riley Series and somehow the most famous.  Why?  Bela Lugosi, baby!  Right before he was mourning his dead wife for Ed Wood, he was over in England appearing in this.  Is this more embarrassing than Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla?  No, but close.  This is one of those Films where the Stories behind it are actually kind of interesting, even if the Movie isn't.  I'll go into most of them in the Review proper to spice up the Recap.  Sufficed to say, Bela was in England and needed money, so he agreed.  The Plot involves a Mad Scientist who thinks that he's a Vampire, Old Mother Riley, a shipping mix-up and a Plot to conquer the World.  Incidentally, the copy I found was from the re-release, so it has a new Title, omits Bela from the Credits AND has an Allen Sherman Song over the intro.  To find out why this is so infamous, read on...

In England, the Vampire is kidnapping people.  He's actually just a confused Scientist who wants to rule the World.

So two things...
1) He's not a Vampire, so that this could be shown to Kids, apparently the biggest audience for this.
2) Bela came to England for a Revival of Dracula.  It failed and he was stuck in England, leading to this Film.  That's why he has his outfit.

This is Old Mother Riley.  She runs a Shop and sings a song about how she shouldn't pay her debts.

Somehow, this is the TWELFTH TIME this Character led a Film and it is apparently considered to be the original 'guy in drag succeeds in Comedy.'  Suck it, Medea!

She inherits something from a dead Uncle, which makes her happy.  It also doesn't lead to another song, so it makes me happy.

There's a mix-up at the port and she get the Robot made for Bela.  He apparently made it, but also needed to ship it to himself, because...shut up.

This leads to lots of 'hijinks' involving Riley...but she's annoying, so I'll skip it.

I won't skip this factoid though- this is the only Riley Film without the Daughter Character.  Why?
Well, the Actor and Actress were MARRIED and had a nasty split in 1951.

There is quite a bit of random, physical comedy here that apparently was done by his understudy.  The Actor that played Riley died 2 years later, so I guess that's no shock.

This shot of her jumping out a window does encompass my feelings though.

It all comes down to a bunch of physical comedy bits, including a prolonged 'throw vases at each other' bit.

The confusing highlight- this part where Riley grabs a gun and it fires...arrows...that hit different spots.  What and or huh?!?

Oh and the Robot is supposed to be a big part of this.  Riley takes AGES to find it in front of her, runs from it, but then easily takes it apart when the Plot says so.

It all builds up to a big chase, a shoot-out with the Police and Bela being caught.  Riley, meanwhile, crashes a bike into the water and breaks the 4th Wall.  The End.

Bad, bad stuff.  Maybe there was a time and place where this was hilarious.  Like I said, they made 12 of these, so maybe I'm just wrong.  Bad Comedies are always the worst ones to sit through.  Riley is loud, obnoxious and not very likable.  She randomly gets heroic in the 3rd Act, so go figure.  Supposedly there were attempts made to shoot more footage of Bela and use less of Riley for the U.S release, but Bela was too ill.  It's a damn shame, since he's clearly the best part of this.  Like his other Poverty Row Films, Bela suffers for us (and the paycheck).  Even in his more frail state, his natural showmanship is here.  It's just a shame that people only wanted to use him as a comic foil in his later Years- the man was talented!  If this was more of a showcase for him, this would be easier to recommend.  As it is, it is a pretty bad, pretty broad Comedy with very little Plot and structure.  They kidnap Riley, then make her a Maid, then try to get her to work for them on their plan and THEN she just leaves- Story Part over.  All of the stuff that should be interesting- Bela, the Robot and him thinking that he's a Vampire- are not used enough.  In their place, bad comedy and a Sub-Plot or two that goes nowhere.  This is ostensibly about Bela needing a map to a Uranium Mine to make his Robot Army, but that barely plays a part.  Even at the end, he gets the info and...it's not there?!?  What?!?  You may disagree, but I've had my lifetime share of Old Mother Riley.  I will point out this doubly-funny (I think by accident) fake Newspaper.  First, you have the redundant writing on the left.  Second, you have the Headline to a Story that I'd rather read than watch this Film!

I wish I had gone with my backup plan for this Year.  At least that would have had some interesting Murder in it.  Happy Mother's Day!