Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Killer Shrews

I was going to do this one later...but I'm already in the mood, so screw it.

In The Killer Shrews, these two guys are delivering supplies to a small, mostly-empty Island.

Said Island is full of terrifying (and slightly silly) creatures.  So, guess what happens.

Yeah, since Not The Lead was left by the Boat, he is chased by the creatures and killed.  Thanks for coming.

In summary, the only Black Character is the first to die.  Who says that cliches aren't true at times?

The lesson: don't be the Comic Relief in a Creature Feature...especially if it is before the Civil Rights Act was passed (the good one, that is).  Although, it could obviously be worse...

Next time, a man learns that seeking anonymous sex is dangerous.  I know- who would have guessed?!?  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: The Killer Shrews

After all these years, this is still damn goofy.  I got a 4-Pack of Old-School Horror Films awhile back and decided to check out the ones that I hadn't seen before.  I like Shock (with Vincent Price), but I'd seen it.  I've seen Killers from Space with The Film Crew, so I can't watch it without imagining them 'doing a Robichet.'  That left 2 Films, one of which I'm doing now.  You may know this Film by reputation, but do you know it really?  Let's see...

On a seemingly-empty Island, a Pilot and his Crew Member get stuck delivering supplies to a group of people living there and doing research.

It turns out that they have done some freaky stuff and now the Island is rife with giant Shrews, who have run out of Animals to kill and now want a heaping, helping of man!

...they look pretty goofy.  I won't lie.

They do get some good scares out of them when they are an unseen menace scratching at the door.

This guy continues to hinder the escape plans by trying to kill our hero.  It's a love-triangle thing.

They eventually escape by...welding four barrels together and walking their make-shift tank to freedom.  The Shrews apparently kill each other from starvation (off-camera).  Yea?  The End.

Honestly, I thought that it would be worse.  Yes, the Shrews look silly most of the time.  I'm not going to sugar-coat that.  However, there is alot more going on here as far as the little things.  You have the Scientist Who's Work Has Gone Awry Plot, the Love Triangle Sub-Plot, the Scheming Help Sub-Plot and the Trapped In A Small Space Trope here.  The idea that the Shrews are poisonous (as apparently some are!) is used to make them more effective, which is nice.  The whole thing with them being trapped in the Adobe (not the Software) House adds a nice element as well, allowing them to feel less safe.  The visual of the Shrews burrowing through is a nice one as well.  There are alot of good ideas that help balance out the Stock ones.  Let me address one thing though: the Crew Member.  This Film came out in 1959, but the guy is one notch short of being a Stepin Fetchit Character!  He talks slightly better...but that's it.  He's silly, cowardly and dies first.  Wow guys, just...wow.  A minor (but notable) stain on this one...

Pretty stock, but not as bad as I thought.  Dig those poisonous Shrews!

Screener Flix: The Burning Dead

After so many weird Monster Movies in the last 5 years, this is no surprise.  Today's Film is The Burning Dead, a DTV Film with some odd monsters.  Before I get into it, I should note that this is a Screener, which is something I've only gotten a few of.  Does that mean that I'm going to pull my punches?  Nah.  They want people to Review their Films, not lie about them (I think).  So, with that out of the way, let me talk about the Film.  Well, it involves a Volcano and Zombies.  I'll give you a minute to process all that.  Good?  Good.  I won't lie and say that this makes a lick of sense...but I'm not surprised.  With Sharknado 3 on the way, The Asylum making 3-Headed Shark Attack and...Avengers Grimm (?!?), why not?  I'm going to be less exact on what happens in the Plot (since this is a new Film) and I'm experimenting with the picture/text format.  Feel free to tell me if you love or hate it.  For now though, let's see how this all turns out...

In a cold (get it?) open, we meet an Indian Chief...played by Danny Trejo?  Alright then.  Whatever gets him in the Film, I guess.  He proceeds to tell us a Story...

First, we are in Old West times where Zombies rise from...somewhere and kill off everyone in the camp.  While they are chowing down, however, a nearby Volcano erupts and takes them all out.

In the Present (still narrated by Trejo?), we see a nice, small Town built in the same area.  After giving us action in the first few minutes, we now get lots and lots of Character Building.

We get...
- Family that can't get along.
- Nerdy boyfriend along for the ride.
- Sheriff trying to get people to safety.
- Scientists studying the Volcano and...
- Hot lady who shows her boobs.  Well, that is one reason to be here...

Eventually, we get the reason for this movie- Volcano-related Zombies.

The Mountain explodes with magma at first, but soon we see...green energy come out of it!  Where the balls hit, Zombies crawl out of the ground, looking all molten and rocky.

They seem to be your typical Zombies, but some of them seem to drip magma out of their mouths!  Don't ask me- I didn't write this.

Who will live?  Who will die?  You'll just have to watch to find out.  Sorry, but I avoid these...

This is...a weird mix.  On one hand, it is a basic, by-the-numbers Disaster Film that would be on Syfy on any given Saturday.  On the other hand, it is a Zombie Film at the same time.  Where do I start?  How do the Zombies come back?  Why are there so many?  What is that green stuff shooting out of the Volcano?  Why is Danny Trejo an Indian?  I'm not going to say that it is bad, because the Acting is decent, the CG is alright and it is actually shot pretty well.  There aren't too many moments that make me roll my eyes- outside of the Premise that is- and they do some good Zombie-related gore.  No complaints in that department.  The whole thing is just really odd though.  It feels like either a silly Film collided with a Disaster Film or a Disaster Film tried to be silly...but only half-heartedly.  It is not quite goofy enough to be something like Sharknado.  It is not quite good enough to be something like The Day After Tomorrow.  It feels like this could be turned into something either really serious or really silly- sadly, neither was quite achieved here.  It is not a wasted effort- as the Film is usually quite decent- but it is definitely not either one of the two things that they may or may not have been going for.  I can't stay too mad though...

Next up, I've got another Screener to check out, so I don't want to make people wait.  More Indy Horror- should be interesting.  Stay tuned...

Twin Piqued: The One-Armed Man

Since it is Saturday, it is time once again to check in on...

In this Episode, alot of little things happen.  In addition, I've worked out a more concise way to analyze the Show.  Let's see how it works...

Important Stuff

- Analyzing dreams and evidence leads to a 'person of interest' with only one appendage.

- Meanwhile, evidence points to One-Eyed Jacks Casino.  We also see that the Hotel Proprietor is involved with them, as well as with planning some Arson with a bad man.

- Two of the Town's young ladies decide to investigate Laura's death on their own, but both sides have something to hide from each other.

- One young lady is using her own Father to get her own ends.

-Devious men in town (young and old) make their own separate plans as well.

Theme(s)

The major one is people doing their own investigating.  We see them check for clues, gather evidence, plan out schemes and, in one big instance, plant evidence to be found.

The other one is the danger of having too many men in your life.  One lady is torn between love and unhappy marriage, while another is just dying for revenge.  A third has got two helpful ones...but the machinations of another woman with two men in her life are playing against her.  Another one is now on the loose again to do who knows what to her.

Wacky Moment

Cooper- meet this Llama.  Cooper, Llama.  Llama, Cooper.

Another fun one full of nice, little moments.  You have to make peace with the fact that the real big moments won't happen every Episode.  After all, they wouldn't be as big if they happened all the time.  This template shows up all the time, be it this Show, The X-Files or Lost.  With that said, this one was still quite fun.  You got to see Policemen analyzing a woman's dream, Cooper once again standing up for Truman, people making all sorts of plans on their own and plenty of back-stabbing.  Friend against friend and family against family.  This one sets up all sorts of neat things going forward, such as the release of a man from Prison, the future schemes against the Mill and the deeper investigation into One-Eyed Jacks.  There are still many, many unanswered questions here and I have no problem with that.  There is a little more Comedy in here than usual- be it Cooper calling himself 'a strong projector' or the Deputy's confidence issues- and that's fine.  With so much dark stuff going on, it is nice to have something different.  The Tone is strange here, but just right.  Oh and this one has Lynch's first Voice Cameo- naturally, he's playing Cooper's unseen Boss.  To get an idea of how big a phenomenon this was, let's see how much it affected the lives of Fictional Characters, like one guy on Parks & Recreation...

Next week, we get more dream action and more crazy people.  In other words, this should be good!  See you then.

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Justice League- Throne of Atlantis

This one is kind of a cheat, but a fun one.

In Justice League: Throne of Atlantis, Aquaman and company are battling Black Manta, Ocean Master and their army of Atlantean Soldiers.

The former pair are facing off in their final fight.  Things look bad for our hero...

His solution: call a Shark to just eat the guy!

...an impossibly-large Shark as well!  Damn, son!

Based on how quickly it answered the call, it must have just been hanging around.  That's...scary.

I should also note that Black Manta has always been African-American under the suit, so it could very well have been Samuel L. Jackson right there.

Still want to make fun of Aquaman?  Stand by the water and say that!

Mondo Dictionary: The Nick Fury Moment

This one has been a long time coming, but a recent Film inspired me to finally talk about it.

In a Post-Credits bit from Justice League: Throne of Atlantis, the defeated villain- Ocean Master- is visited in his Cell...

...by Lex Luthor, who appears to be setting up stuff for a future Animated Film.

So...that brings us to the official Definition...

Nick Fury Moment (noun): When Films add a Post-Credits Scene to set up big moments for future Films or introduce new Characters.

Examples: Well, this one...

1) Nick Fury appears and talks about the Avengers Initiative. (Iron Man)

2) Coulson goes out and finds Thor's Hammer (Iron Man 2)

3) A young Apocalypse seems to appear in the Egyptian Desert (X-Men: Days of Future Past)

Want to know how prevalent this has become in the last 8 years?  It even appears in a Fast & Furious Film!

Seriously, Eva Mendes appears and tells The Rock about how Michele Rodriguez is alive (Fast Five).

Will this stay cool (like in Captain America: The Winter Soldier), stay fun (The Avengers) or just piss  some fans off (Guardians of the Galaxy).

Only time will tell...

Project Terrible: Dating A Zombie

At last, Maynard's official pick for me.  Will he manage to succeed this time?

Alright, this is alot closer to being Terrible.  Today's film is Dating A Zombie, a 2012 Horror-Comedy from...some guy I've never heard of.  All things considered, consider yourself lucky.  The Film is about a place called Zombie Town, which is apparently the Epicenter of the Zombie Apocalypse.  It apparently wasn't that serious, since nobody in Town seems all that threatened by it.  That's funny...apparently.  If you want more Plot than this...there really isn't one.  They try to act like there is for a minute...but no, there's not.  This one...this one is just bad.  There's no sugar-coating this one.  Sugar-coated shit is still shit, even if it may smell slightly-less, well, shitty.  This isn't good.  This isn't just bad.  Is it Terrible though?  To find out, read on...

The Film's Opening Credits run over some very terrible, not interesting Animation.  I guess it supposed to be quirky...but it just sucks.

This is our Hero.  He works as a Zombie Disposal Expert (a Trash Collector for Zombies).  He works with a lady named Doofus.

Laughing yet?

What little they act like is a Plot- really just a series of Moments- is intercut with lots of random, low-budget Zombie kills.  This Picture was not doctored at all.

Our 'hero' continues to act like an asshole and a pervert, but is shocked that he's alone.  Shocking!

He keeps dating Zombies (hence the title), but can't find happiness.  I'm...sad?  No, I'm not.

The high and low points are the Film's random Zombie kill Scenes.  If you like cheap make-up, bad CG blood and tedium, they are great!

As a bonus, we get offensive stereotyping.  So yeah...I'm done.  The End.

This sucks.  This really sucks.  This really, really sucks.  It isn't funny.  It isn't scary (although it barely tries to be).  It isn't exciting.  it isn't well-written.  It isn't fulfilling.  I didn't care about the Characters.  I didn't like the Zombie Make-up (save for maybe once).  I didn't like the awful use of CG blood.  I didn't want these people to succeed.  I didn't feel for these people one bit.  I didn't even want the Zombies to win either, since they had no character.  I didn't know or care what an Alpha Zombie was.  I didn't want to keep watching.  Finally, the Film ended and I was happy.  Is this Terrible?  Possibly.  I'm more used to this kind of crap, so I could stomach it.  If you are less used to shitty Films, it will probably be Terrible to you.  Even when you consider that this Film was made for less than 6 figures ($85,000 according to IMDB), this kind of shit is still bad.  Happy, Maynard?

Next up, I actually got some new Stuff to cover via solicitation.  When in doubt, add Trejo.  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: Chocolate (Masters of Horror)

After a bunch of Episodes by others, how about one by the guy who actually started this thing?

In this Episode/Film by Mick Garris, a man gets mysterious visions which lead him on a dark path...

The Film/Episode begins at the End (ooh, how arty!) with the man being questioned while covered in blood.

Flashing back to earlier, we see our Lead in a rough situation.  He's divorced, doesn't see his kid much and is very lonely.

When he tries to live his life in peace, he starts to get weird visions of places he's not at!  Timing!

After some more awkwardly-timed visions (including mid-coitus and when his ex-wife shows up), he finally can see the person who's eyes he's seeing through.  Sorry for the black bars- I really am.

Things get really bad when he links up with her again at the moment that she kills her lover!

Using visual clues from earlier, he tracks her down.  She is, naturally, creeped out at first, but seems to believe that he loves her.

...until she decides that he has to die.  In her defense, you knew that she was crazy from the get-go!

He battles for his life and he gets one last vision during their big stand-off.  He kills her (obviously) all the same and is presumably going to Jail now.  The End.

Not bad, but kind of odd.  The Story has a neat hook, even if the execution is a bit odd.  The Lead sells the chaotic nature of them..but I never really bought him as being that sane.  The key is that he starts normal and is slowly driven crazy.  He always seems 'off' though.  Aside from that, they make the situations seem real enough for you to buy into the Story.  It eventually escalates at a good rate and has a good Climax.  I almost wonder if the Framing Device hurts the Film more than it helps.  It does tell us that something bad is going to happen, which is good.  On the other hand, it makes the Story 'show its hand from the get-go.  How many of these have 'Happy Endings?'  Not many.  So was it necessary to tell us that it has a Bad Ending?  Oh and not to be 'that guy,' but our Lead doesn't end up with blood on his neck like in the Interrogation during the Events, so where did that come from?  The brief moments of Gore are well done, since this (like all of the MoH stuff) were done in part by Greg Nicotero.  There is one moment with a fake hand that seems a bit silly.  It is a good-looking fake hand...but the angle of it is all wrong.  That is such a minor point, I know.  Mick Garris does better than I expected, but didn't exactly blow me away.  You know what does though?  Punk Rock Matt Frewer!

As far as Mick Garris Films go, it is pretty good.  Compared to other Episodes though, it is alright.