Poor Bastards of Cinema: Halloween- The Curse of Michael Meyers

This segment will always find a way to come back- dammit!

In the introductory segment of the film, the heroine from Part 5 is on the run from the Cult of Thorn.  She comes across a man in a truck who stops to help her.  As he talks to her, Meyers attacks and kills him.  However, she escapes the encounter unharmed.

So what's the lesson?  Don't stop for anything!

Up next, Jason tries to match Mr. Meyers in the random killing field in his eighth film.  Will he be successful?  Stay tuned...

Instant Trash: Paranormal Entity

Just for the record- I have not seen Paranormal Activity.  Nor do I plan to- at least, not for a while.  I have a policy of avoiding films with soooo much hype surrounding them until some time has passed.  In my attempts to be an actual critic, it's the only thing I can do to stay impartial.  Case in point: I just watched The Descent a few months ago.  So, will I ever see the low-budget film that grossed approximately 1,000 times it's budget?  Of course.  Just don't hold your breath waiting for it to happen right now.  Instead, let's focus on The Asylum- this being a sentence that never ends well.  They're P.A. knock-off is here now and it seems appropriate to review it as the sequel to P.A. has just hit theaters.  What's the same?  Just about everything is, really.  People are in a house and a ghost is pissed at them for reasons that we may never know.  What's different?  Well, we have a third person involved- the mother of the guy.  In addition, the lead woman is not the wife of our hero, but is, instead, his sister.  This adds a creepy element to the whole thing, not even counting that a plot point involves him being accused of raping her.  Say it with me- ewwww.  So can this company catch lightning in a bottle with this film?  You're seriously wondering that?  Ha.  Get out your Lionel Richie ghost for my review...

Through some title cards, we learn that the Finley family lived in this house until the sister was killed and the brother was accused of this, as well as her rape.  He committed suicide in jail, apparently The Asylum's attempt to not allow themselves to make a sequel.  After some clunky dialogue, the mother explains what happened.  Their father/husband died about a year ago and the wife started talking to his ghost- or so she thought.  Yes, in a plot stolen from Witchboard- way to aim high- the ghost is apparently something much more malicious.  They explain that the sister was attacked by in it in bed, which is a scene that you could of, you know, shown us!  But no, this film's stupid conceit is that the brother is filming everything, so we can't see what he didn't shoot.  For more cinematic cheats and budget-cutting moves, keep reading.

I'll spare you a lot of time and cut past a lot of the film's filler and padding.  We see the 'ghost' do random things like move a stool or turn on the TV.  Yes, your special effects can be done by magnets under the floor and a remote control!  The ghost/demon is also mad at religion, since he keeps knocking over the crucifix that hangs above the sister's bed.  Good to know that religious symbols can't protect you from demons, huh?  The only real creepy scene involves the family being woken up by loud banging.  Good- now you're stealing from The Haunting.  After some jump scares and shit, they discover footprints all over the ceiling.  The guy follows them back to the knocked-over urn containing the dad's ashes and they find foot marks in the pile.  This is actually kind of creative except for two key things.  First, why don't they call the police?  You could argue that 'doors closing' and 'people sleepwalking' is not something you call the cops on.  However, you have footprints on your damn ceiling!  Hell, you could have called that lady from Death of a Ghost Hunter- not like she's good or anything.  Second, how does the ghost/demon have footprints?  It's a horror conceit that ghosts can interact with solid objects, but how often do they leave footprints?  You had one good idea and you killed it.  Good job, idiots!

Eventually, our hero tells the women to leave for their own safety, which the mom objects to.  No, there's no good reason- she just does.  Alone now, our hero is chased by the ghost who-wait for it- closes doors loudly and kicks bells on strings.  Oh, the horror?  He gets a call from his family telling him that the ghost/demon followed them.  She subsequently explains an actually-interesting scene that- again- is merely told to us.  Show, don't tell!  Things start to get real when mom sleepwalks to the kitchen and cuts her wrists (off-camera) with a knife.  Don't worry- she lives...kind of.  After the sister is molested in the bath,- now you're stealing from The Entity- the ghost expert they've been calling for the whole film finally arrives.  He spends about five minutes talking about evil ghosts and shit before- get this- the camera is knocked out.  Suddenly, the thing is back on and our hero goes to check things out.  The expert is dead- thanks for coming- and the sister is being...um, assaulted, I guess in her bedroom and covered in blood.  The man checks on her and, a mere ten seconds later, the camera is picked up to show her blood-free body.  Thanks for the continuity, guys.  The End.

This movie sucks- duh!  The Asylum manages to spoil another good idea with their bullshit.  The plot has promise, but the execution is terrible.  The fact that we get so much shaky-cam is just the tip of this iceberg of shit.  Why not just use the set cameras and have more of them?  It would feel less forced to have pre-set shots and have people just move in and out of them.  Secondly, why does the ghost do what he does and what exactly are his/her limitations?  He's not the dad, so why is he bothering the family?  In one scene, he just moves crosses, while in another he apparently posseses the mother.  So he can possess people, so he doesn't just possess the brother?  Another thing- why does he freaking have footprints?!?  I can kind of accept that he idea that he leaves bruises on the sister- since it was in The Entity- but I can't buy footprints!  This movie reminds me way too much of Monster/Tokyo.  Is it the shaky-cam?  Is it the shitty acting?  Is it the 'let's explain the whole plot in title cards' bullshit?  Is it the unexplained monster and sudden ending that makes no sense?  Yes.  Thankfully they didn't at least steal footage from that film- something you'll see in an Asylum film to come.  If you like P.A., don't see this knock-off.  The additions to the story make it worse- since the brother's camera often lingers on the sister's body- and they remove the actual scares in place of loud noises.  Just sit in a dark room for 90 minutes while someone randomly pops in and says 'Boo!' & you'll get the same effect.

Up next, let's switch from shitty ghost films to shitty comedies.  This is a film about cannibalism, murder and fat jokes by the star of Psycho.  Stay tuned...

Series Killers: Nightmare on Elm Street 6

After five films and a TV series, what was left for Freddy to prove?  This sixth and *allegedly* final film in the series turned a corner and made a series that was once dark, but fun into a comedy.  Of course, it's one of those non-committal comedies where violent deaths still occur and people are sad...but you still laugh at certain points.  Let's just take a moment and thank our Creator that Saw VI did not go in this direction!  So is this the last hurrah of a once-great series or the dying whimper of a sad, decrepit one?  Get out your (supernatural) Power Glove for my review of...

Before we even hear the story, we see a bit of text explaining that every teen in Freddy's city is dead and the parents went crazy.  Oh good, I wouldn't want you to actually SHOW any of that, movie.  That flat, dull text was enough for me!  The film proper begins with a teen already in a nightmare.  Who needs real set-up or exposition?  The dream goes in odd directions, starting out as a parody of 'Terror at 20,000 Feet' (just without the comedy) and turning into The Wizard of Oz.  Hey guys, pick a freaking topic!  Eventually, the kid falls some more and...gets hit by a bus.  Of course, none of this kills him.  No, instead, it launches him out of the town and through a tarp of some sorts.  Evidently, Freddy is stuck in that town and needs a way out, hence the act of setting the kid free.  He wanders into the nearby town which is pretty 'ghetto' and full of wayward teens.  Naturally, the disheveled kid popping caffeine pills looks like a junkie, so he ends up at a clinic.  We meet a cynical aid worker and our heroine, a serious one.  We also meet our victims...I mean, main characters.  They include a tough girl, a stoner and a deaf kid.  Well, that's a little unique.  We see that the stoner kid's dad is a prick and he makes weapons, which end up in the basement.  Is that a Chekhov's Gun I see there?  Eventually, they all go to the nearby town, since that's both logical and safe.

We get some weird nightmares and hints of crazy stuff in town.  Apparently, Freddy is very powerful there, more-so than ever.  This sets up some silly kills for our victims.  These include...
* The deaf kid getting his hearing aid pulled out and replaced with a magic, super one.  Freddy kills him by dropping pins on the ground and blowing his head up.  Why would you question this?
* The stoner kid is pulled into a video game and beaten up by Freddy.  He eventually fights back, but Freddy replaces his old glove with a Power Glove- no, really- and wins the fight.
* He kills the lead kid with the same dream from before, only he parachutes away.  Freddy shows up and cuts the cord, revealing the truth- he used the kid to pull the therapist there.  Um, duh!  The guy falls onto a board of nails that Freddy placed.

Let's stop for a moment to discuss the film's two pointless cameos.
* Johnny Depp has a three-second cameo in a 'This is Your Brain on Drugs' PSA before Freddy hits him with a frying pan.
* Alice Cooper appears in a flashback as Freddy's dad.  This scene adds nothing, so...yeah, that was fun.

The final battle is drawn between Freddy and the film's remaining heroes.  Now free in a new town, the monster attacks the tough girl, who fights back...only to learn that he is too powerful.  She escapes her dream and warns the other.  Yaphet Kotto makes the most of his small role by beating up Freddy with a bat...only to learn that he's too powerful.  Oh good, that wasn't repetitive repetitive.  Freddy pulls the therapist- who is his never-before-mentioned daughter- into a flashback of his life.  We learn that Freddy made a pact with some demons, which explains how he came back.  While that makes sense- kind of- it comes out of left field.  This film came a bit before Jason Goes to Hell, clearly showing the inspiration for that questionable call.  After a long battle, the daughter faces off with the dad and just starts throwing weapons at him.  He tries to turn her into his heir, but she stabs him and puts one of the explosives from earlier into his chest, blowing him up.  The End.

This movie sucks, although some people will disagree.  Conceptually, I get it.  Freddy is popular for his silly humor and punch-lines.  I guess it made sense to make the film into a comedy after five films where people didn't give a shit about the actual leads.  However, this movie still likes to throw in some very violent deaths.  If you really wanted to be comedic, you could have gone goofier.  For example, why impale a guy when you could have dropped an anvil on him?  In most films, this would be a dumb move, but it would have worked here.  Make a comedy or make a serious film- you can't do both!  In addition, I didn't find it to be that funny. Mind you, I've never been a 'Freddy fan' all that much, so take that for what you will.  I just didn't get the appeal of laughing at the guy who violently-murders people!  Ha ha- it's funny because he has committed genocide!  Like Prom Night 3, this movie just could not commit to its comedic nature.  For that reason, it fails as a film.  There are five other films, plus a follow-up and a remake.  In other words, you have so many more options than this!  Get the hint?

Next up, The Asylum tries to make some money off of the back of a surprise hit.  Will their low-budget ghost movie break the mold or just prove my point?  Stay tuned...

Series Killers: Halloween Resurrection

Another Halloween film arrives this week and for the same reason.  Many were surprised by the return of Halloween to 'decent series' status with Halloween: H2O.  Stupid title, but surprisingly-decent film.  The big thing was the return of Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode.  Although they couldn't complete the set by getting Carpenter directing again- due to him wanting $10 million, so that he could recoup his unpaid status from the company- the result was still a hit. Naturally, a follow-up was made...and killed the series again.  Yes, this revival lasted two films!  To be fair, it lasted one film and the first ten minutes of the second.  How can you do so badly so quickly?  Well, let's examine the base elements.  Meyers has returned from his death in the last film, despite the series excising the 'Curse of Thorn' element.  They explain this...in the dumbest way possible. Laurie Strode is back...which actually makes this worse.  In fact, they manage to kill all hope for the series within the first ten minutes.  If you don't know, you soon will.  Get out your spare, killer costume for my review of...

The story takes us to an asylum and re-introduces us to Laurie Strode...who is a patient.  Yeah, some things have changed.  As a nurse conveniently-explains to her co-worker/the audience that Strode checked herself in after discovering that the man she decapitated at the end of Halloween: H2O was not Meyers.  Yeah, he apparently switched clothes and his mask with an EMT.  Yes, a giant, stoic killer walked off and nobody said anything.  When did he do it?  How did he fool anyone?  They don't tell us, so we're shit out of luck.  Naturally, the killer is there and offs a security guard.  His super-stealth routine only works here because a guard literally looks away from a monitor he appears on at just the right time.  That stupid conceit happens twice here, so enjoy it!  He gets to his sister's room, but she is ready for him.  She has apparently been pretending to be comatose and managing to fool professionals.  I don't know who should be more insulted- the APA or the audience!  She leads him on a chase to the roof where she has set a trap for him.  It fails, however, when she insists on checking that he's really him this time.  She gets stabbed and dropped off of the roof, but not before kissing her brother.  You know, according to Halloween 6, the world just ended there.  Good job, you bitch!

After that, we meet our motley crew of people that are going to be killed.  We get a slutty girl (played by Battlestar Galactica's Katee Sackhoff), a black guy, our Final Girl, a creepy guy, a killer-fan girl and a stoner.  Wow, I care about none of you.  On top of that, we get a kid who is an internet pen pal with the Final Girl...which is supposed to be endearing.  No- you're just creepy.  On top of the top of that, we get Busta Rhymes as a TV Executive and Tyra Banks as his Assistant.  They're whole gimmick is that they're assembling a group of 'teens' to wander around the old Meyers home (which was occupied as of 1995) with cameras on their heads.  Oh good, that shitty MTV show Fear has become a film!  Seriously, way to steal a stupid idea and make it worse.  The people wander around for a bit and discover some creepy back-story items related to Michael Meyers.  Of course, before that, Meyers breaks in (is it really breaking in when it's your old house?) and kills a cameraman.  Tyra does not notice the man being killed because- wait for it- she doesn't look at the monitors at the right time.  She also dances around for no reason while this is happening.  Why?  I guess that is supposed to be funny.  Someone had better die or I'll just kill you!

So the plot breaks down like this.  Meyers wanders around, the people act stupid and, eventually, they figure out that a killer is loose.  Oddly, we get one scene where Rhymes shows up in disguise as Meyers, meets up with the guy and the killer just leaves.  You didn't kill him because...um, why exactly?  The body count racks up slowly but surely.  'Starbuck' gets decapitated- having her head roll down the steps in slow-motion was classy, guys- and the black guy just gets choked.  The movie gets even further into rip-off territory as they knock-off The Blair Witch Project with some awkward close-ups.  Meanwhile, the internet stalker goes online at a party- after dressing up like Travolta in Pulp Fiction- and helps out heroine by texting her where Meyers is.  Yes, technology was that efficient at that point and time.  The only good part: where he tells her that Meyers is nearby and, without even pausing, tells her not to scream.  This actually allows her to live, since she obeys his predictive order.  Eventually, it comes down to Busta and the girl against Meyers.  Naturally, they win and the house burns down Corman-style.  In the Epilogue, Meyers comes back to life...somehow and kills a Coroner.  This will amount to nothing since a reboot would come years later.  The End.

This movie sucks- again.  Seriously, how can you muck up a series so much that you manage to kill a series twice in the span of less than ten years?  Meyers is a very simple character and really has no drive.  You know why?  Because he never freaking talks!  Not only that, but he never has someone speak for him.  Jason doesn't talk either, but exposition is given by the ghost of his mother or weird hallucinations.  Is it silly?  Yes.  Does it at least provide some motivation?  Yes.  Meyers is just...um, killing people.  As dumb as it was, the Cult of Thorn bullshit explained certain things.  Now, he's just Michael Meyers and he kills people...if they are nearby.  The plot of this film is about as bare-bones as it gets.  People go to Meyers' house, so he kills people there.  Oh, you want more than that?  Too damn bad!  If you like to see people get violently-killed, you can see dozens of films with that.  This film is just stupid, pisses on the series' legacy and is the rightful burial ground of a series who ran out of ideas after two films.  After two remakes/sequels, let's see what happens when someone else handles Halloween 3: This Time It's Not a Cop-Out.  I'm not getting my hopes up.

Next up, I go with my back-up choice to end Series Killers.  This one proves that you can make a horror series funny, but you fail when you make a comedy film into horror.  Stay tuned...
  

R.I.P. (Quite Frankly) Too Many People

Seriously, I hate having to do these.  They're depressing.  That said- I feel bad for ignoring this stuff for too long.  Here are the ones that I've been putting off talking about...

*Tony Curtis died after 85 years on this Earth.  He made dozens of films, appeared on-screen with Marilyn Monroe (see below) and appears in the world's only film about a killer tumor/Indian spiritualist- The Manitou.  While it's not a great film, there's no dissing his role here- or the fact that he spawned Jamie Lee Curtis.

* Simon MacCorkindale was a long-running actor on television and in film.  His most famous- and infamous- role was as the star of Manimal.  That's a classic thing to have on your resume and nothing to sneeze at.  Not everyone gets to star in cult shows, after all.

* Stephen J. Cannell produced the freaking A-Team!  That's all I need to say.  He will be missed.

* Greg Giraldo had a great career as a touring comic and the break-out star of the Comedy Central Roasts of _____ and __________.  Nobody ever had bad things to say about him (that weren't jokes) and his death is a loss for us all.

* Tom Bosley was an iconic actor known for his roles on both Happy Days and Father Dowling Mysteries.  There's no question that his legacy will last for decades to come.

Just for juxtaposition...

Bob Guccione was the founder of Penthouse and, of course, the unofficial producer of Caligula.  Who else could insert lots of sex into a Shakespearean-style film about a famous Roman Emperor.  While you may not like porn (weirdo), he is still an icon.

I should also mention a few others that took place.  They include...
- Gloria Stuart
- Benoit Mandelbrot (the guy who created Fractals)
- Leonard Skinner (the man Lynrd Skynrd is named after)
- James Bacon
- Kevin McCarthy (star of UHF and Invasion of the Body Snatchers)
-Roy Ward Baker (director of numerous Amicus/Hammer films)

Again- I hate having to do these.  No offense, the recently-dead.

Series Killers: Hellraiser- Bloodline

What the hell is wrong with you, idiot?  Why would you called Hellraiser IV a 'series killer' when there are four other films?!?  It's like putting Howling II in the bunch too!  Well, the answer is simple- both films killed the series theatrical runs.  After four films, Hellraiser was sent to DVD- or the Sci-Fi Channel- while the subsequent Howling sequels are staples of the 'shit you find in dollar DVD racks.'  Satisfied?  So, with that out of the way, let's talk about this film.  As the final film in theaters, it decided to play around with time & space a bit.  We get what is basically a Hellraiser anthology film, jumping from France to America and, finally, to space.  Yes, Pinhead in space.  How did both Hellraiser and Leprechaun go to space in Part IV of their respective series'?  It boggles the mind!  Basically, a guy in space tells about Pinhead and how it has cursed his family line, hence the subtitle.  Of course, that's excluding Hellraiser V, VI, VII and VIII, which take place in modern times.  You just know that no matter what those people do, Pinhead will be back until the year 2127.  Kudos for picking a pretty far-off date, by the way.  You get one compliment- that's it.  Will this be a good swan song or a repetitive crap-fest?  Get out your giant taffy puller for my review of...

The film begins in space, immediately putting me in a bad mood.  Nothing good in horror has ever taken place out here unless it features the word 'Alien' in it somehow.  A man is doing an experiment with the famous box, which turns into crap CG for a moment while it morphs.  Abruptly, the robot doing the work bomb-defusion style explodes.  Wow, you got that one backwards, movie.  Before more can happen, some cliched space marines show up to arrest the man.  He tries to explain his side and why they all need to leave.  In an interrogation led by a female officer, he tells about the origin of the box.  As it turns out, his ancestor was a toymaker who sought a better life.  He made the elaborate box for a foppish, cliche of a man before leaving.  As it turns out, the man was a crazy person and killed a woman, gutted her and hung her skin up.  Thanks for the imagery, film.  He does a ceremony and places a demon in her body.  His assistant (played by 'that guy' Adam Scott) is wary and with good reason- it's a demon.  The worried toymaker consults his buddy, but he's too busy with an autopsy to say much.  The guy goes back to the house, finding the foppish man dead and the demon a bit pissed.  She explains that his family line is cursed before she kills him.  Why is that?  He made the box, but didn't know the intent.  If you're going for a 'Winchester-style' thing here, you fail.  The Winchester Rifle was a gun, not a box!  Next story...

In the present day (of 1996), we see an artist played by the same actor as the last two times.  By the way, he sucked those times and he sucks here- nuff said!  He has a family here, which includes a wife and a young kid.  News of his works reaches France, alerting the demon woman and the other cultist, who is the exact same age as before.  I'd question this bit of logic dramatically, but he dies within minutes of them revealing this.  He says 'don't go,' so she kills him, since he broke one of the 'Cardinal Rules' apparently.  She goes to his building and does a ceremony to bring back Pinhead.  Yes, he finally shows up- thirty minutes in.  Two twin security guards show up- why not?- and get killed by Pinhead.  He puts a giant 'taffy puller' between their heads, linking them up like a sideways Human Centipede.  Him and the demon woman make a big show about kidnapping the man's family and asking him to make a bigger box.  Yes, even though they can get here, they want more!  I don't know- just go with it!  The pair sick their hellbeast on them, but it proves to be easily beaten when the wife shoots light from the box.  They nearly force the man to do their work, but he tricks them, sending them away with a computer code.  In his last act, Pinhead decapitates the man though.  Next story...

Back to the future (I wish), we see that the lady's superiors still don't believe the man.  The woman does, however, and allows him to explain what happened.  He summoned the creatures to the station, leading the film to replay the robot scene.  That only happened an hour ago- we didn't forget!  Sure enough, the Cenobites kill their way through the cast of cannon fodder.  The demon lady is now a Cenobite with her skull exposed and her scalp stapled to her shoulders, while the pair of guards are now a conjoined-head Cenobite. The dog takes out a man, while Pinhead uses his chains to kill another.  The conjoined-head Cenobite kills one soldier by creeping up next to him and absorbing his body.  Um, okay.  The movie's two heroes flee to an escape craft, but the man returns to taunt Pinhead.  As it turns out, however, it's a hologram.  The pair fly off as the ship turns into a giant box and he uses the magic death formula to kill the Cenobites.  You like a silly light show- you're in luck!  They escape as the evil is destroyed forever...until the next four sequels...and the planned fifth one...and a planned 3-D remake.  The End.

This movie sucks...in Hell.  I get the idea of what they were going for, but they failed.  The anthology style just doesn't work because it forces you to keep re-introducing the same characters.  Pinhead's appearance should be notable.  When you do it twice, you lose the impact.  Furthermore, the whole premise is just silly to me.  The guy is cursed because he made the box?  I said it before and I'll say it again- he shouldn't be!  He didn't make it as a portal to Hell and had no clue that it would be used as such.  The whole idea is just dumb!  How do the three separate tales work?  The first one is brief and dumb, the second one is longer and dumb and the third one is fairly-short and dumb.  There are good moments in all three of them, but not enough.  Perhaps if you had given us one story, the combination of those ideas in one, straight-forward narrative would have been more effective!  Do you want to eat three bags of M&Ms with two or three good pieces in them or one bag of them with a lot of them?  I'm talking about candy, so I'll wrap this up.  This is three separate tales that suck, as opposed to just one.  That just magnifies the whole problem right there.

Up next, let's look at the second film to kill the Halloween series.  This one has Busta Rhymes in it, so I'm sure that it will be fantastic!  Stay tuned...
   

Series Killers: Howling 2- Your Sister is A Werewolf

Joe Dante made a masterpiece in the form of The Howling.  Naturally, someone had to come along and screw that up with at least five sequels.  Two of those films come from Philippe Mora, the man behind Communion and Snide & Prejudice.  Having already talked about Howling III, let's back-track to his first effort.  The film feels like a movie that he was forced to make in order to get his real pet project done.  Having sat through that nearly two-hour, piece of shit, I can ask this: was it worth it?  This movie is notable for having two actors you only see together here: Christopher Lee and Reb Brown.  That's a match made in Heaven...right.  Reb was just coming into his own and it would be just one year before he would appear in the cult classic Space Mutiny.  Yes, I proudly-own that film on DVD.  Lee, however, was in a different place.  Coming out of the '70s, he struggled to find an identity as a Character Actor in Genre Films.  This is a case of what happens when he would agree to do shit.  To learn more, read on.  Get out your titanium collection for my review of...

The film begins in space as Christopher Lee appears to talk about...well, nothing.  Good start, Movie.  After the credits, we cut to the funeral of the reporter from The Howling.  They want to connect the two films, despite eliminating the word 'The' from the title.  Don't worry- it found a new home in 'Los Angeles- City of THE Angels.'  At the funeral, we see Lee again, apparently having returned from outer space.  He leaves, but one of the lady's co-workers follows him, but the brother (Reb Brown) doesn't approve.  Since he has no spine, however, he goes with her to see the man.  A mere seven minutes in, we get the film's title line, delivered with profound conviction by Lee.  A couple things of note happen in this scene..  First, we learn about the villains- a pair of Werewolves really interested in the 'dead' reporter.  Second, we see a recreation of the video of when the girl turned into a Werewolf.  Hey, remember how that was happening live in the last Film?  Lastly, Lee explains that these Werewolves are too powerful for silver to work on them.  What does work, you ask?  Titanium.  Why?  They never say.  Aargh- I hate this lack of logic!

The trio go to the tomb of the sister, only to find themselves under assault by Werewolves.  Thankfully, Reb is here to do what he does best: yell and shoot.  Want to kill any fear in your horror film?  Have Reb Brown mow them all down with a rifle, exerting almost no effort.  The point of this is to prove to the pair that Werewolves are real and to send the film to Transylvania.  Naturally, a French-born Australian man would take a film from Los Angeles to Transylvania.  Wait, what?  In the area, the Werewolf pair have arrived to awaken the power of the evil Stirba- aka the original subtitle to the film- who is played by Sybil Danning.  The silly plot brings in a ceremony involving flashy effects, but no substance.  Now in her young, hot form, Stirba plans for a big ceremony involving some bullshit I don't care about.  Once in Transylvania, the trio run afoul of some devious villagers, but dispatch with them easily.  In town, they meet up with the group of men who work for Lee's character, including a Priest and a Midget.  What- no Rabbi?  Instead, we get to watch Stirba's henchman engage in freaky, Werewolf humping on a bed, while the she-wolf...she-watches.  Eventually, she joins in before the film cuts away.  By the way, Sybil as a Werewolf- not hot.  Sybil as anything else- hot.

I won't lie to you- this movie gets really damn dumb.  Sometime in the middle of the film, Reb and the girl hook-up, which is all just to set up the girl being used as bait.  They keep her around for a bit before Reb finds them...and runs away.  Sadly, the midget gets killed, despite his awesome flail skills.  The group set-up for a final assault on the castle, with Reb settling for a gun...since knifes are too silly for him.  Stirba sends out all of her pack, who are fresh off a punk band playing the same song for the 400th time now, but they all die.  Seriously, these wolves suck!  Eventually, we get three people left to battle the villains: the priest, Lee and Brown.  The priest confronts Stirba, but he's dispatched by a demon-thing on her staff.  By the way, the film is too cheap for stop-motion, so it's just a bad puppet effect.  Reb shows up in time to kill both Werewolves in easy fashion, making their point in this movie what exactly?  Finally, Lee confronts Sybil and she...shoots light beams at him while wearing an outfit made out of random pieces of armor.  He stabs her with the Titanium knife, but she manages to light him on fire with the spell.  Evidently, the pair are brother and sister, a plot point that comes up in the last ten minutes.  One silly prologue later and the movie ends in an abrupt manner.

This movie sucks...even if my sister is a Werewolf.  The thing is just dumb- plain and simple.  The plot has promise, but just sort of flounders about.  Stirba does nothing major, other than wait around in her castle and engage in some freaky shit.  I should note that her topless scene is shown about ten more times during the ending credits.  Yeah, the end credits are a music video...for the film you just saw...and with the same stupid song again!  Damn you for making me sit through the credits!  The acting is not all that terrible here, but some of it is very out of place.  Reb Brown is here to be big and beefy, while Lee is here to make the film seem credible.  Yeah, it doesn't work.  His appearance here is just embarrassing- plain and simple.  I like to believe that the rumor about him apologize for being in this movie when he met Joe Dante on the set of Gremlins 2 is right.  In fact, let me get this out of the way.  If you ever read this, Joe- I'm sorry for watching Howling 2.  It's a stupid piece of shit that tarnishes the legacy of your great film.  Speaking of which, there are still about four more sequels for me to review.  God dammit!  On the plus side, boobs.

Up next, I take a look at a film that proves that space and horror don't mix.  This fourth film in a series that would eventually go solely to cable is straight out of Hell itself!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Darkman

Even big-time directors can have a film under-perform.  

This was the case with Sam Raimi's first attempt to make a super-hero film- Darkman.  

However, Japan saw it differently...

Yeah, that's an interesting take on it.  Clearly the mystery of the film is Darkman's identity, as evidenced by the Origin sequence that occurs pretty early-on in the film!  

Silly people.

Up next, Belgium gets a shot at being in Lost in Translation.  

Will their take on a werewolf classic live up to the work of their brethren?  Stay tuned...

Series Killers: Friday the 13th- Jason Takes Manhattan

What is there left to prove?  Friday the 13th had seven films by this point, managing to work in one unrelated sequel- Part V.  What did they do with those films?  The first one did the set-up work, while Part II and III made the series work for so many.  They arguably had a good finale to the series with Part IV, ending with Jason dead once and for all.  After that, they pissed off their audience and, to make up for it, brought Jason back for Part VI.  Finally, he did battle with a psychic girl- just go with it, people- in Part VII, setting up this film.  In order to reinvigorate the series, they made a film where Jason wreaks havoc in New York City.  The budget got cut, however, and only the last thirty minutes actually takes place there.  Swing and miss, guys!  I should also mention something that not enough people do- the film's subtitle is a pun based on The Muppets Take Manhattan.  Really?  Really?!?  This movie didn't exactly light up the world with it's smile, so I'm sure that it will be great.  Get out your toxic waste jar for my review of...

The film begins with some brief recapping of the previous event.s  I'm sure a lot of people jump on board a series for eighth film, guys!  The set-up work is done by a teen on a house boat trying to get laid.  As the man drops anchor, however, the object touches a 50,000 volt power line running along the bottom of Crystal Lake, setting up the return of Jason.  Yes, by all means attempt to 'out-silly' the lightning revival from Part VI! He swims up to the boat while the movie gives us a fake-out scare in the form of the guy putting on a Jason mask.  Mind you, he interrupts his own attempt at getting laid to do so.  Jason kills him and takes the mask, proving that this movie is officially jump it's own shark.  You want me to hate you, don't you?!?  In addition to that, they have the girl beg for mercy before dying.  Real classy, guys.  As it turns out, the couple was floating near the boat trip for a class of graduating Seniors.  When they disappear and the boat is clearly floating mere feet away, the group goes anyways.  We are treated to some family drama in the form of a divorced couple.  The father appears to be a low-rent F. Murray Abraham, although I'm too indifferent to actually look up who he is.  Jason climbs on the boat as it pulls away.  Nobody notices the three-hundred pound giant who smells like sea weed, huh?

On the boat, we meet a slew of characters that only exist to die.  Take one guess what happens to them?  They include...
             * Slutty blond girl
             * Rocker girl
             * Nerd who looks like Crispin Glover from Part IV
             * Asian girl (who is actually a young Kelly Hu)
             * Generic jock guy
How do they die, you ask?  The deaths include...
             * Elevated choking (Hu)
             * Death by guitar bludgeoning (Rocker girl)
             * Beaten to death with cooling stones (Jock guy)
             * Decapitation via mirror shard (Slutty blond girl)
             * Electrocution (Nerd)
After all of that, the group manages to get the boat close to Manhattan and ride away in a boat.  Naturally, Jason follows, probably doing so by just slipping through one of the film's plot holes...

Once in the city, our heroes run afoul of some muggers, who decide to kidnap our Final Girl as a 'sex slave.'  Thank you, stereotypes.  Oddly, Jason actually saves her from the men, but only after they inject her with drugs.  Don't worry- it won't have any bearing on the plot.  While our heroes run away, the black guy- who hasn't died yet- challenges Jason to a boxing match, since he is a boxer.  After an extended scene of nothing, Jason punches the man's head off, conveniently sending it into the arms of the film's heroes.  They continue to flee, but Jason continues to follow them.  We get some random gags as well, including Jason looking at a hockey mask on a sign and a bit where he scares off a gang by flashing his unmasked face at them.  Why would he do that?  Why the hell not?!?  He chases our remaining heroes (the Final Girl and her boyfriend) into the sewers where they run into a worker.  Thanks for the jump scare, movie.  In spite of the two being led by a man who works there in a one-way tunnel, Jason appears ahead of them and kills the other person.  Logic- who the hell needs it?!?  The girl manages to throw some acid in Jason's face, causing it to get even uglier.  The pair eventually escape the sewers, thanks to Jason helping the girl one more time.  As the pair escape, I have to wonder how much continuity we will actually see...

This movie sucks, but you already know that.  I mean, this movie has become a punch-line for every cliche that the slasher film has used.  How does Jason always stay ahead of people?  How does a nearly 7 foot tall Kane Hodder sneak around a small boat?  How do people not smell him a mile away, given that his clothes have been soaking in Crystal Lake for at least a year?  So much of this movie is just an excuse to assemble a bunch of random kills.  It may sound like I'm being redundant saying this two film reviews in a row...but it's true.  After seven films, they ran out of good pretenses to string together the story.  Jason goes on the boat because...um, it's there.  As it turns out, he has some sort of weird connection to our film's Final Girl due to her being taught to swim in Crystal Lake.  This does lead to some scenes that are eerily-reminiscent of some J-Horror moments that would come in the ensuing years.  Visions of a dead boy- check.  Jason appearing in a mirror for no reason- check.  Jason appearing through a port hole surrounded by purple smoke- big check! Keep an eye out for Jason tossing a man through a diner window in the Third Act.  That man- stunt-man Ken Kirzinger!  Other than that kind of trivia, the movie is extremely-predictable.  The series got one last 'hurrah' in theaters, but you know how that worked out.  After that, we got a film with Jason in space...with cyborgs.  That's a story for another day though.

Next up, I finally tackle the film sequel whose title is a punch-line in and of itself.  Will it bite hard or give me some awesome Reb Brown action?  Stay tuned...
  

VHS For The Win: Evil Spawn

What is the root of evil?  What inspires it and makes it grow into a powerful force?  Apparently, this movie will explain just that...

...so a woman turns into Deadite (putting on a shirt in the process) and eventually turns into, um, Giant Bug-Wolverine Man?  I'm confused!

Oh yeah, look at John Carradine's mug in the bottom of the box art too.  *Sigh*

Next up, you want to see a movie that looks goofier than Robocop 3?  Well, you're in luck.  Stay tuned...

Series Killers: Halloween- The Curse of Michael Meyers

A series is only as strong as its last film.  Many of them do very well for years, but it only takes one bad film to kill them.  It's funny that I mention that because that's the theme of this week's reviews (minus Saturday). 
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I couldn't think of a much better way to do that than with a film series that survived two films, an un-related sequel and two sub-par follow-ups that ignored the last film.  I don't really need to explain much about Halloween, do I?  Michael Meyers is evil for unclear reasons, except for that one movie with witches setting up explosive Halloween masks for kids to wear while watching a show whose TV signal is the detonator.  Yes, I refuse to let that shit go!  After five films, what is there left to do for Mr. Meyers?  After the third film, he got side-tracked from the whole 'kill my sister' thing and just turned on the rest of his familiy.  As to how he survived all those stabbings and shootings, well...that's a good question.  This film attempts to wrap up all of the elements set up in Halloween IV and Halloween V.  You know, when you write a good movie, you don't have to do that.  I should also mention that 'wrapping up the elements' involves stuff like ignoring the twist ending to Halloween IV.  No, really.  In this film, we learn what makes Meyers tick, even if he still doesn't say a damn thing!  It's also the debut film of a future comic talent...in a dramatic role.  Who?  See for yourself.  Get out your Druid symbols for my review of...

The story picks up right where IV and V left off...only without some of the same actors. The heroine from those films has been captured by a weird cult. They're about as non-descript as you could possibly get too. I can just picture the 'brainstorming' session: "Let's make this as vague as possible, so as to draw the least amount of interest possible!" The woman is pregnant and delivers her baby in a room that appears to be connected to the hallway full of pipes from Parts: The Clonus Horror. It's interesting how that actually becomes a bit of unplanned foreshadowing for the film, by the way. With the aid of a reluctant cultist/nurse, our heroine escapes. This leads the group to send Michael Meyers after her, who manages to easily kill the woman who aided in her escape. The chase goes from scary to silly when 'The Shape' chases after her in a truck- which we never really see him drive. Hard to drive with no peripheral vision, huh? She hides out in a train station which has a radio show playing about Michael Meyers. Desperately, she calls in, apparently assuming that the D.J. will call the police for her...I guess. After one of those 'he's going to get her...oh no, he won't' scenes, she escapes to a barn...where she is violently-killed. During this, Dr. Loomis hears it on the radio with his old friend who is either evil or going to die tragically. 

After this, the narrative switches to the remaining bit of the Meyers family (sans his sister) who live in the old house. As we learn later, nobody would buy the place. Look for that plot point to come up again later this week. Anyhow, we also meet a creepy stalker guy (Paul Rudd) who goes to the train station after using his CSI techniques to find her. Following a fresh trail of blood (yes, really), he finds the baby stashed away.  Nobody noticed that or the baby that screams on cue when you enter a public restroom?  In town, Meyers wanders around due to a reason that will become clear later.  In addition, we have a sub-plot involving family strife in the Meyers/Strode household.  It's all pretty much filler designed to make you hate the dad and feel for the mother.  Naturally, the mother meets a violent death at Meyer's cold, undead hands first.  Before that, however, she is told about Meyers from Loomis, who does just about nothing that much in the film.  Mind you, it was because Pleasance was not exactly 'healthy' for the film, but it does make the movie suffer as a whole.

After dealing with another member of the family (the father), Meyers continues his mission.  Thankfully, Rudd has kept the daughter and her son at his place, away from the scene of the crime.  Unfortunately, this doesn't help the other brother, who gets killed mid-coitus alongside his girlfriend.  Oh yeah, the shock jock dies too.  Eventually, the whole thing moves into the cult's headquarters.  Loomis learns that his buddy is one of the leaders of the cult from before.  Who are they?  They're the Cult of Thorn, a Druid group who did some ceremony years ago involving Michael.  They put a curse on him that drives him to kill his entire family and, when he does, the Cult will gain amazing power.  By the sixth film, of course, he has not accomplished this goal- good call, Cult of Thorn!  The Cult tries to do some sort of experiment with the kid born of the dead girl, which leads to Meyers killing all of them.  Again- good job, Cult of Thorn.  Rudd manages to sneak in and save the girl, as Meyers slowly walks down the hallway.  There's a point where slow-walking is dramatic and a point where it makes you look stupid.  Meyers is so slow that Rudd can shatter a lock, remove it, open a door, pull the girl out and run away.  Stupid!  Eventually, they manage to trick Meyers, drug him and beat him with a pipe.  They flee to Loomis (hi, again), who says that he has business to take care of.  As the movie fades to black, he screams, apparently dying at Meyers' hands.  The End.

This movie sucks, although maybe not as much as people make it out to.  Don't get me wrong- it's a stupid movie.  As a whole, it's a series of kills by Meyers that are full of blood, but no real substance.  Like a lot of Fulci films, it makes for an interesting YouTube Highlight Reel, but that's about it.  So many characters are set-up just to be victims and nothing more.  Mr. Strode hits his daughter and berates his wife, so he's got to die.  Of course, they still mess this up by killing the wife first- ugh.  Pleasance is good in his most iconic role, but doesn't do a lot here.  Again- the man was kind of dying at this point, so I don't put the blame on him.  However, I can note that the Director wanted his Cut to be the one that is official.  His Cut sets up Loomis as a major character, despite the actor not having long to live.  I could say that the man's death surprised the man, except it's obvious to everyone watching the film that the man was on his last legs.  I say that with no disrespect, by the way- it's just a fact.  Oh yeah, the Cult of Thorn shit is stupid as hell.  It comes out of nowhere, explains nothing and serves no point.  In addition, it gets invalidated in something that you'll see later.  This film killed the series until someone managed to bring it back a few years later with H2O.  How did it go from there?  Wait and see, folks...

Next up, we take a look at a film that nearly spelled the end for a big '80s franchise.  While it didn't quite die, this jaunt to New York did kill any credibility it had left.  Stay tuned...

Dracula Trash: Bram Stoker's Dracula's Guest

There was no way I was getting out of this week without one of these films, huh?  This 2006 film narrowly beat out another film- Bram Stoker's To Die For.  What gave it the edge?  Well, let's get into that.  First, some back-story.  After his death in 1912, Stoker's remaining short works were collected in a set called 'Bram Stoker's Dracula's Guest and Other Weird Tales.'  Some controversy arose from this, since many claimed that the titular tale was just a lost chapter from 'Dracula,' just without context.  Regardless, this tale has *supposedly* been the inspiration for a few films.  Most notably, it was said to be the inspiration for Dracula's Daughter...before they actually filmed it.  As fans of the film- or people that have read my review- will note, the film has nothing to do with it.  This leads us into this film- another movie that has nothing to do with the tale.  Who's surprised?  As a low-budget film, it has certain limitations that will become very apparent.  As to what gave it the edge- it features Bram Stoker as a character.  No, really.  This movie's 'Bram' is a teenage dramedy actor, while their 'Dracula' is...well, I won't spoil the surprise too much.  Get out your convenient noose for my review of...

The film begins in England with a man trying to rescue his love from behind a gate.  If only they had invented bolt cutters...which I think they had.  The woman also explains that the man took the one gift she was saving for him- her 'maiden-head.'  Starting off nice and classy, film.  As the man runs off, we suddenly cut to 'One Week Earlier.'  Oh good, you're defacing Dracula, the author of the book and Sunset Boulevard in one full swing.  Did you make time to insult L. Frank Baum while you were at it?  We see the man from before (Bram) and his friend (nobody I feel like looking up) practicing their fencing at the beach.  Hey, that place is for slow-motion running or making out with your girlfriend!  They get into a mild fracas when the other guy says things that make it sound like he's a bit too interested in the lady.  All of this gets settled and Bram meets up with a client at work- Dracula.  Note how he's framed in light coming from the window, by the way.  Bram, you see, works for a Real Estate Company that is going to set up the Count with a London home.  Get it- his real life situation is like Harker's from the book!  This idea isn't completely stupid at all!  After an argument with her father about being with Vlad, the lady gets on a train, but gets kidnapped by Dracula.  Instead of caring, let's compare the actor playing young Bram (who's on the right) to a picture of Bram circa 1912...

The movie gets pretty silly from hereon out.  Dracula has taken the woman to Translyvania, apparently by carriage.  Is that even possible?  She puts up a big fuss, but he counters that by waving his hands at her, subduing her.  Remember the power of persuasion and hypnosis that Dracula has in the book?  Well, they top that.  The Count runs afoul of Bram's friend while back in London and kills the guy using...the Force?  Yes, Dracula has Jedi Force Push powers here!  He eventually kills the guy by floating him through the air (not all in one shot, mind you) and into a noose.  Despite the obvious brusing that would be all over his body from the fight, I'm sure that they'll call this a suicide.  You want to know what makes this even dumber?  They cast Andrew Bryniarski as Dracula!  Yes, they cast 'Leatherface' from the TCM remake as Count Dracula.  To partially quote the Police Captain from The Abominable Dr. Phibes- "...Words fail me, gentlemen."  You want a good laugh?  Look at this...

Well, since this movie is fairly-recent, I would feel bad if I put in SPOILERS.  There- that will disguise the fact that I couldn't make it through the whole film today.  Oops.  The End.

This movie sucks- at least, the part I saw.  I maintains all of the bad things about it's setting- the dull characters, the listless look- and none of the good things about it- the classiness, the prestige, etc.  It's a bit like the Spanish Exorcist film which contains all of the boring build-up, but none of the interesting stuff to excuse it!  There's so much in here that makes me laugh and cry.  Bram Stoker in a film that has 'Bram Stoker's' in the title?  Bram Stoker in a film about Dracula?  Bryniarski as Dracula?!?  Don't get me wrong- he doesn't do a terrible job here.  He just is completely-wrong for the part and looks awkward doing the soft, subtle mannerisms of Dracula.  Picture Scott Steiner doing 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.'  Picture Hulk Hogan doing 'Les Miserables.'  Hell, picture Kane Hodder in The Notebook!  As Dread Central noted, it's stunt-casting gone horribly-awry!  I should make another note about the 'Dracula using Force powers' bit too.  In a scene about ten minutes earlier, he picks up a Train Station Worker by the throat and tosses him against a wall.  That is why you don't hire someone like Bryniarski.  Him doing that looks normal, while me doing that would look like I have supernatural powers!  Even for the half of a film I saw, it's a fail.  Think I'm exaggerating?  Well, it's still on Instant Viewing via Netflix- see for yourself!

Next up, we begin Series Killers Week with a look at films that, well, killed horror series.'  First up, the sixth Halloween film in which Meyers faces off with...Paul Rudd.  Stay tuned...