Non-Krampus Christmas Film Compendium

 Here are some weird, gross and just otherwise random Christmas Films.
These all are from the BK time aka Before Krampus.

I've been doing them since 2009, so let's see what I can dig up...

1) Santa Claws- Low Budget and horny.  Off to a good start!

MONDO BIZARRO: Yuletide Crap: Santa Claws

2) Tales from the Crypt (1972)- The classiest one here, especially since only the first part is festive.

MONDO BIZARRO: Holiday Death: Tales from the Crypt (1972)

3) The Night Train Murders- A festive trip ends in murder.  Ride them rails!

MONDO BIZARRO: Holiday Death: The Night Train Murders

4) Xmas Tale- A made for TV Film from Spain.  It was by the Director of O Rec (Record).

MONDO BIZARRO: Holiday Death: Xmas Tale

5) Kazuo Umezz's The Present- Japan brings a killer Santa for once.  If only it were better.

MONDO BIZARRO: Merry Deathmas: Kazuo Umezz's The Present

6) Saint Nick: The Dutch seem festive...and they turned Santa into a murderous Pirate.  The real stuff, however, is worse.

MONDO BIZARRO: Merry Deathmas: Saint Nick

7) The Children- Do you like kids?  You won't anymore after this British Film!

MONDO BIZARRO: Merry Deathmas: The Children (2008)

8) Breakaway- Lost in the argument about whether Die Hard is a Christmas Film is the idea of this one.  It is a blatant Die Hard, But... Film and it is very festive.

MONDO BIZARRO: TV Deathmas: Breakaway

9) Elves (1989)- Is the Title a lie?  Yes.  Is it still only on VHS?  Yes.

MONDO BIZARRO: Holiday Death: Elves!

10) Psycho Santa and Satan Claus- Two Films on one Disc!  Too bad one is bad and one can't afford to be lit!

MONDO BIZARRO: Yuletide Crap: Psycho Santa & Satan Claus

11) The Christmas Season Massacre- Actually, there was a third Film.  It was somehow worse.

MONDO BIZARRO: Merry Deathmas: The Christmas Season Massacre

12) Wind Chill- Long before A Quiet Place, Emily Blunt wasn't in as many good Films.  Case in point, this one about evil Snow Ghosts...or something.

MONDO BIZARRO: Holiday Death: Wind Chill

13) Santa's Little Helper- WWE's The Miz and Paige (now Saraya) want to take over for Santa.  Is there a third option?!?

MONDO BIZARRO: Holiday Grapple Crap: Santa's Little Helper (2015)

Feeling festive yet?

Great.

Holiday TV: Friday the 13th The Series- 'The Mephisto Ring'

 Another 'unlucky day' to celebrate.

This is the last one until next June.

Let's check out another Episode of the Show.
This one is called...

As a recap, the premise of the Show is that one guy collected a bunch of antiques that are cursed.

They are stolen/released and now he has to track them down.

He has the help of two young people (a third in Season 3).

A man is talking to his bookie about how he has a system.

He's shot by someone and killed in 1982!

In 1988, the Son is a bad gambler too!

He's beaten up by his bookie and the guy steals a ring from his Mother.

It glows like crazy and throws him around the room, killing him.

In the aftermath, the ring shows him who will win a Game and he makes some money.

Unfortunately, he's not enough, so he has to keep doing it.

Meanwhile, the Mom (who was also attacked) goes to our Heroes who are, conveniently enough, looking for the Ring, tells them that she knows about the ring.

He uses the ring more, tricking many different Gangsters/bookies into wearing the ring and dying.

My question- how does the magic ring show them the end this way AND have the TV Audio?

Our Heroes try to trick him, but it backfires and the woman has to hide.

His paranoia, conveniently enough, is validated when the lead bookie brings him in seconds later.

He abuses the guy, cutting off a finger (or two) to get the information.

Mom shows up and gets involved.

In the end, the lead guy is killed by the ring and the son says that he will use the info to get everything they want.

He's shot and killed...by Mom, who reveals that she also shot his Dad.

The End.

A rough tale of desperation, obsession and addiction.

To be fair, this Show is about strange objects killing people or making them kill people.
It's usually not upbeat.

In this case, the magic ring dooms a generational duo.  Ouch.

I have so many questions about how and why this thing works.
The idea is that it was a 'cursed' object as it was made for the 1919 White Sox, who famously threw the game for money.

Sidenote: Between Pearl, Krampus- Origins and this, I've mentioned 1918-1919 quite a bit in a short amount of time!

Anyhow, because they cheated, Satan made this ring benefit gamblers and cheaters, while also killing people?  Alright then.

The Plot is fine.  The Acting is good.

Just know that the Plot involves lots of beating and torture (off-screen, mind you), so here's your Trigger Warning.

Wow, I'm already 9 Episodes into this Show.  At this rate, I'll finish the Show in about 32 years!

Tubi Thursday: Krampus- Origins (2018)

You want to know Krampus' origins?

Read a book, nerd!

This is...not that Movie.

*** FYI that Cover is a lie.  Most of these ones are though. ***

In 1918, WWI is going on and a German baddie is playing with a magical book and amulet.

The American Soldier with it is later killed and this will matter...in about 30 minutes.

This 85 minute Film has to hit that length somehow!

As such, all of that Krampus stuff won't matter for a while as we meet this Nun who runs an Orphanage.

She works there with the One Black Guy, a Drunk Father, a Nun into the Occult and a new Teacher.

One girl in the group is inspired to try and study Alchemy.

She sneaks out every night with a guy to do...well, you can guess.

This will also matter later.

The Nun into the Occult helps out with the kids, which include a kid with a stutter, a bunch of young Extras, two Bullies and two Nice Girls.

Note how I'm STILL not talking about Krampus!

The Soldier's stuff is sent to the Orphanage, since he was the now-former Husband of the new Teacher.
After watching Pearl, I'm worried about said Teacher going nuts herself!

The Book is read by the sneaky girl and a POV Krampus is summoned.

Even at 46 minutes, we still don't see a thing!

Krampus then takes the form of, sigh, an evil kid to pad this one out a bit.

He eventually makes his move, putting everyone in danger.

Can this Demon be stopped on Christmas?!?

To find out, stream it now.

This one was a bit of a chore!

Positives- the Story itself isn't bad. The Acting is fine.

This isn't a bad Movie in the usual sense.

If this was just a Drama about kids in an Orphanage during WWI with some sort of normal, mortal peril in place, I wouldn't complain.

Granted- I watched this as a 'Krampus' Film, so I probably wouldn't have seen it.

This kind of thing can work to varying degrees of success from The Woman in Black 2 to The Orphanage to (the far better) The Devil's Backbone.

This is BARELY a Film about Krampus and what we get is a silly origin with him locked up in a magic book by Fairies!  Lame.

This Krampus is more like Ares from Wonder Woman and it is all kinds of disappointing.
Just give me a guy in a Krampus suit killing people/kidnapping children and I'd be happy.

I just want this!

A Film that isn't bad in the conventional sense.  It is just bad for not being a Film about what it should be (and being all that interesting in the process).

Shudder Day: A Creature Was Stirring (2023)

 A Christmas Film from 2023 on Shudder.

I might as well get started on some of these, eh?

A Mom- Chrissy Metz- is taking care of her Daughter during a long Winter Snowstorm.

The Daughter is heavily medicated and watched by the Mother.

She's worried about what will happen to her if her temperature gets too high.

What is going on?

A pair of people show up in the House to escape the Weather.  The Mom reluctantly lets them stay, once they plea to her humanity.

As for the Daughter, the treatments don't seem to be working.

With everyone trapped inside, the new duo start to look into things that maybe they shouldn't.

Will they uncover something that they will regret?

Will the truth not be pleasant?

To find out, stream the Film now.

It is an interesting Film that builds and builds nicely.

The Story has some real potential. 
The Characters feel real. 
The situation feels realistic, to a point.

That said, the Plot also involves what seems to be a giant, humanoid Porcupine.  It's kind of silly.

No SPOILERS, but things don't turn out quite how you expect them to.

I wanted to like this weird Creature Feature (a la Splinter).
Instead, I just got this reaction...

A very weird Christmas for sure, with the contrast of serious Drama and a Porcupine Monster.  I just wish that things played out differently.

New(er) Flix: Scream (2022) [aka Scream 5]

 A Review delayed due to a Holiday and a round trip flight.

I noted before how the Thanksgiving Poster looked like Scream's and with good reason.

I'm reviewing it now- what a coincidence!

The Film begins with a modern riff on the very famous Intro to the 1st Film.

Be honest- it is the most famous part of that Film.

Of course, things play out a little bit differently....

The attack brings Jenna Ortega's Sister back to Town.

She left when she was 18 due to various reasons that I wouldn't dare SPOIL for you.

Let's just say that familiar faces show up.

A new Ghostface- not related to the noncanonical one from the TV Show, I'd imagine- shows up.

This time, he's targeting people who are related to those from the original Woodsboro Case.

Of course, how some of these people have relatives when they were, you know, killed by Ghostface is a bit of stretch sometimes.

They give us the 4th version of the 'Here are the Rules' bit, explanation.

This time, it is a Legacy Sequel (or a Requel) and the Rules, say it with me, are different.

We get Dewey, Gale and Sydney back.
Will all of them be back for Scream 6 (which is thankfully not called Scream 2)?

To find out who lives, who dies and who is the killer, watch the Film now!

It's on Netflix (for now), so take a Stab at it.

A bloody whodunnit!

Admittedly, I had this one passively SPOILed a bit for me at some point in the past.  I didn't look for them, mind you, but people love to put up images like 'All of the Scream Killers' online.

Who cares if this Film is only 2 years old?!?

So, my first viewing is more of a 2nd viewing, which makes the bits of evidence really stand out.  Don't let it SPOIL you if you're safe so far.

The Film itself is SUPER META, with a Plot involving a series of killings based on Movies based on real killings from a Book...written about said killings.  It also involves people hating the last Stab Film, which is the fictional Film within-a-Film Series.

In this world, Rian Johnson did the Reboot.  WTF?!?  It was also just called Stab like how this one is just called Scream.  Double WTF?!?

It hits all of the usual beats that you get from these Legacy Sequels, while also referencing that too.  That said, the META aspects don't take away from the stakes, as you get genuinely real people in the Film in peril.

It's a nice return to form that I hope carried over to Scream 6.  Granted- that's on a *different* Streaming platform and nobody can make me get on yet another one right now- no matter how hard they try!

A nice love-letter to the Series while also serving as a good entry.  I've never been a Scream fanboy, so hopefully my praise rings true.

New(er) Flix: Pearl (2022)

 I randomly got back to my Room while on Vacation when this started playing on Showtime.

Like earlier trips where I watched Everything Everywhere All at Once and The Green Knight, I made time for a Film that came highly recommended.

This one is the Prequel to X, so maybe this makes up for not being able to do the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Prequel.

Either way, it is definitely better!

This Fan Made Poster is so good!

Pearl is a young woman who life has just decided to make suffer.

She runs a Farm with her Mother, since her Father is pretty much dead from the Spanish Flu.

She married a guy...who promptly enlisted in The Great War and left her.

Is it any wonder that she's a little bit crazy?

Okay, she's very crazy.

If you don't believe me, ask her Scarecrow!

Sadly, for her, he got brains and not, well, you know.

She sneaks off while doing an errand- getting her Dad's Medicine- and meets a guy.

He likes her and talks about going to Europe one day.

Can someone save Pearl?  This looks like a job for Superman....Actor Michael Corenswet!

Can she get her life in balance...or will she just start killing people?

I guess praying couldn't hurt at this point!

Will Pearl achieve her dreams of fame & stardom?

Well, she will get to be in at least one other Movie- two if you count Maxxine.

Either way, it will all end in smiles for one person.

To find out who, watch the Film now.

A Film that is quite odd in its approach, but kind of works well.

The backstory- during the mandatory 2-week quarantine in New Zealand before the start of shooting on X, the Star and Director started thinking more about Pearl's backstory.

They quickly wrote up a Film and shot it right after X.  Neat.

The idea of making an entire Film about the Movie's Villain is interesting.  Making the whole thing about how wronged she's been by life and making you almost feel for her (the murders are a deal breaker) is something else entirely.

The Film moves at a slow and steady pace, definitely picking up once the carnage begins.  It still finds time to slow down though, represented by Pearl's long monologue near the end.

It is something else.

Pearl is a pretty interesting Character Study that you know won't end well, on account of all of the murder that happen in X.

Even so, it is a pretty daring Film to make- whether you like it or not.

Bold filmmaking should be noted and rewarded.  Too bad it will also creep you out for days on end!

Tubi Thursday: The Dwarves of Dragon Mountain (2018)

 With so much talk about The Lord of the Rings these days, let's look at a Film that kind of/sort of rips it off.

I'm sure it is done with love, but...come on...

A shot of some Mountains with a Dragon flying over it is presented as we get a bunch of exposition about The Capital and how it exploits the Dwarves.

A mine just collapsed...and you never see that Dragon again.

The 4 Dwarves get free of the debris and try to figure out what to do.

They can stay and wait OR try to get out.

Obviously the latter makes for a more interesting Film, so they do that.

Along the way, they meet a Human, who is wearing a full-body suit and helmet that looks like HR Giger designed it.

Will she be able to help them?

While it is not a Dragon, there is something else down in the Mine.

Will it spell their hope or their doom?

To find out, stream the Film now.

It is much less of a Lord of the Rings Film than advertised.  I'm shocked.
Well, not really.

In actuality, the Film is more about how the Dwarves are being exploited and reads more like something written by Bernie Sanders than Tolkien.

They keep talking about 'The Capital,' but we never see it.  
Without that context, it is just empty words.

The Film, in some ways, is much closer to The Descent.  Maybe you could argue that the creature is inspired by the Spiders from Tolkien lore, but that's a real stretch.

It's not terrible at all.
It is super cheap looking overall and very bleak.

If that works for you, enjoy.  
As for me, I want to have a word with the guys who wrote these DVD Blurbs!

A Film that is much less of a blatant rip-off than advertised.  If only it were, you know, really good in its place.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Trick or Treat (1986)

 Another Trick or Treat Post- Halloween never ends!

Late in the Film, the Rocker is back alive as some sort of electrical being.
It is slightly more logical than being bitten by mutant electric eels in The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

In his first time alive, the TV turns on and this random lady talks about the evil of Rock & Roll.

Using his new Shocker-like powers, he reaches into the TV and grabs her.

He pulls her out through the TV and she appears on the other side as a big bunch of ash.

It's...something.

*****

Bonus- this is, in fact, Large Marge from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
This is her third-to-last Film role, and it should be more memorable.

That said, her appearance has no build-up and is super-quick.

What's the moral here?  
Don't pick a fight with dead guys- you never know what kind of powers they'll come back with!