Going Green: Getting Lucky

Hopefully this helps you with your hangovers!  After many St. Patrick's Days gone by, I'm finally touching upon this little number.  I'll leave the Leprechaun films to the Syfy Channel and their stupid-ass name.  Instead, let's look at Getting Lucky, a film that Troma was kind enough to post for free on their YouTube page.  I'd never pay to see it, so thanks!  The film is an '80s-style Sex Comedy, albeit one made in 1990.  A common film from USA Up All-Night, this film has a cult following to some.  It's appropriate because the film's plot involves a Leprechaun- a drunken one at that.  Can a creature with very little control over its own spells help our nerdy hero get the girl?  Of course, but it's not going to be easy!  To see how odd this little film gets, read on...

This is our hero.  He's a nerd.  He loves the hot girl at school, in spite of her 'five-head.'

She, however, wants nothing to do with him.  She is trying to finally lose her virginity to the Alpha Male/Jock at School.  Our hero proves to be a challenge, even if it is by accident.

On top of that, the girl's mother is very protective and keeps thwarting the guy's attempt at, ahem, breaking new ground.

As luck (of the Irish) would have it, our hero finds a drunken Leprechaun in a beer bottle.  He can use his powers to help our hero get the girl.

Now, him getting it right is another story.

I'd just like to pause the review for a moment to point out that people were still using Day for Night...in 1990!  Seriously, guys?!?

Where was I?  Oh right- this girl's virginity.  The Alpha Male/Jock is still trying to get her, while our hero keeps up the fight as well.  What is a girl to do?

In the film's most famous scene, our hero is shrunken by a misfired wish and ends up on the girl's...well, you figure it out.  It's a creative scene, even if it is disturbing on many, many levels.

Our hero woos the girl of his dreams with dates involving Put Put Golf and...picking up trash on the streets.  Really?  What could that possibly get you?

 Oh, you're getting married...apparently.  That's random and abrupt- especially for a Sex Comedy!

 All of this leads to a really silly shish kabob fight in the style of a sword fight.  Our hero wins and, after a completely ancillary closing scene, lives happily ever after.  The End.

Thank God I'm only a little bit Irish.  In all seriousness, this movie is just plain weird.  It's a Sex Comedy with some pretty raunchy jokes...that ends with the two leads not even making out before they get married.  In other words, it's the Twilight of Sex Comedies.  I still can't get over the fact that Edward hangs out at this High School as a 100+ year old man, but won't even get to 'second base' before marriage- can you blame me?  Back to this film, it's really not, well, good.  The jokes are broad, obvious and not all that great.  It has that one inventive scene- the one I will only speak vaguely about- and that's about it.  So much of it is bland and generic.  I'm used to Leprechaun films with killers on Pogo Sticks, people being burned to death by Espresso Machines or magic flutes that allow you to become a great Rapper.  This...just doesn't do much with the whole Leprechaun thing.  Hell, even Jack the Giant Killer- as goofy as the '60s film is- made pretty good use of the Leprechaun as a Deus Ex Machina for the Third Act.  I wish I could say better things here, but that's pretty much it.  It's alright, I guess.  I wonder if boobs could cheer me up...

Up next, the original review planned.  Time to see how I feel about this Anthony Hickox film after all this time!  Stay tuned...

Holiday Film For the Win: A Very Unlucky Leprechaun

I love the Leprechaun films.  As a weirdo, my favorite is Leprechaun 4: In Space.

That said, people often tend to forget that Warwick Davis was ANOTHER Leprechaun film...

For a 'Family Adventure,' you sure didn't go out of your way to make the Leprechaun look friendly.  That's a smile that says 'Come into my basement- I have candy!'

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, just imagine walking down a back alley to your car.  Two people appear: Warwick Davis from Leprechaun and Warwick Davis from this film.  Which would scare you more?

Viva La Raza: The Champions of Justice

Put your on masks and enjoy the fun!  Today's film is The Champions of Justice, a film I actually reviewed BEFORE Mondo Bizarro existed.  I did, however, review the other film that came on the release, a double-sided disc titled Lucha Libre.  It holds two Luchador Action Films under the pretense of 'buy it because Nacho Libre came out.'  No, really.  In spite of that, I like the release, even if those double-sided discs are a pain in the ass.  "Oh boy, I can't wait to watch...shit, wrong side of the disc!"  Anyhow, this film stars MOST of the major Lucha Libre stars of the day, save for El Santo.  This is essentially The Avengers, if the film didn't star Captain America.  Even so, fans of Lucha Libre should be content with Mil Mascaras and Blue Demon, the Van Damme of Lucha Libre Action Films.  The film is apparently a sequel to a Lucha Libre film that I haven't seen- that or they just acted like it.  Either way, an evil Scientist is trying to kill our heroes and has a devious way to do it- midgets.  Yes, it's not politically-correct to say that, but this film is far from politically-correct so screw it.  I won't SPOIL how he does it just yet, but you really need to see it.  To find out how awesome this hidden gem is, read on...

Blue Demon is here as...Blue Demon.  What- were you expecting him to play a real character?  Silly man.

Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras and El Medico Asesino team up in the ring to battle...um, three unmasked guys. If you want to really enjoy the film, start playing the Lucha Libre Drinking Game.

To do it, take a shot every time they do an Arm Drag.  You'll get a nice buzz from this scene alone.

The midgets that work for the evil Scientist try to kill our heroes with a made-to-scale machine gun (borrowed for For Your Height Only perhaps), but fail to do the job right.  That leads to Plan B.

If you guessed that 'Plan B' was 'Give super-strength to his Midget henchman (who all dress like Underdog,' then you are a weirdo and I love you!

As it turns out, ALL of the Luchadors have god-daughters in the Miss Mexico Pageant.  That's...an amazing coincidence.  It's also convenient, since they are the targets of our villain.

As it turns out, super-strong midgets are a Luchador's kryptonite.  The only problem is that the Doctor's methods for giving them the strength keeps giving out on them.

Our heroes are really not good at this, it seems, as all of the girls get captured.  One of them is brainwashed, as is Black Mask, one of their comrades.

 Our heroes fight the Doctor and his henchmen on the land, in the air (see the Stinger) and under the water.  Seriously, they fight underwater!

 After a long, silly fight, our heroes win the day and take...a romantic motorcycle ride with their god-daughters.  What's Spanish for 'um eww?'

Everything about this is great.  Well, not in the classical sense, obviously.  If judged as a real film, it has barely any plot, bad acting, silly scenes, ridiculous choreography and a jazz soundtrack that never stops for a second during the fight scenes.  For all those reasons, I love it!  It's unabashedly a stupid and silly movie about Technicos (good Luchadors) fighting Rudos (bad Luchadors).  It doesn't want to be Citizen Kane.  If you want to see Blue Demon awkwardly wrestle/fight a guy, see this movie.  If you want to see more arm drags and fake punches than you've ever thought possible, see this movie.  If you want to see a Luchador fist-fight a guy while they're both parachuting to the ground, see this movie.  Besides, if you get as lucky as me, you get this and Mystery in Bermuda for just $1.99.  That's not a lot of Pesos, but it is a lot fun!  Seriously, this happens!

Next up, I cover the first of two films that I've put off reviewing for a long time.  Get ready for scenes of Werewolves, Zombies and Ator as Dracula.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Planet of the Apes (again)

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I mean, look at this Polish Poster Art for Planet of the Apes for yourselves...

Those eyes!  Those eyes!

Stop judging me!  I will not bend to your will!

All of the films were equally good.  Tim Burton didn't ruin everything.  Must buy bananas...

Rare Flix: Godzilla vs. Biollante

At long last, it's here!  1989's Godzilla vs. Biollante has been one of those films that has been really hard to get...in America.  Damn you, Japan- stop hoarding your Godzilla films!  I say this as someone who owns Godzilla 1985 on VHS, since I don't know of a DVD release for it.  It's the only hold-out now- save for Rebirth of Mothra III.  Seriously, I've seen ONE guy selling a single Region-Free DVD of it.  What's the deal?  I digress, as this film actually has a DVD release now.  $5.99 well spent, in my opinion.  This once-hard-to-find film is the follow-up to Godzilla 1985, the Reboot as it were for the franchise.  It started the Heisei Era that ran up to around the year 2000.  In this film, Godzilla lies dormant in a volcano, but they know that it's only a matter of time until he comes back.  To that end, a cross-breeding of a rose and Godzilla's own genes (taken from skin cells left behind in the previous attack).  There's another ingredient, but I won't SPOIL that just yet.  For the first time in this new Era, Godzilla has a monster opponent- as he just fought us in the last film- to duke it out with.  Will this underrated creature be able to do what no other creature- saved for possibly Destoroyah- could do?  To find out, read on...

The film begins with a quick summary of Godzilla 1985- which is nice to see in higher-than-VHS resolution.  All you need to know: Godzilla smashed shit up and then got dumped in a volcano.  On the plus side, he managed to land on Joe.

In the aftermath, there's a fight over some Godzilla skin cells found in the wreckage.  This guy- who looks like the Japanese Ed Glaser- wins the fight and the cells get used by a fictional Arab country- with a Japanese staff, naturally- to create a plant experiment.

During the work, an explosion kills the lead scientist's wife.  This leads to him using some of her DNA in the creation as well.  No, really.

Eventually, Godzilla rises from you grave...er, volcano.  Meanwhile, Biollante rises from its...um, pot and starts smacking people around.  Time for the smackdown!

The battle between Rose-Form Biollante and Godzilla is dramatic, but the latter seems to go down for the count.  Oh nos!

Fortunately, the new and improved Super X-2 is here.  It's got a shield that reflects Godzilla's atomic breath...until it stops working.  Oops.

Alright, maybe this psychic girl can stop the creature.  Surely if anyone can, she...just passed out.  Crap!

No, Godzilla continues on his path towards...um, the other side of the road.  If their new 'shoot lightning from the sky to raise Godzilla's temperature to make the radiation-eating microbes work' trick doesn't work, what's left?

Oh shit- Biollante is back!  He's a Cthulhu-like mass of with a small mountain for a body and Godzilla's mouth.

In spite of being a freaky, freaky thing, it manages to stop Godzilla.  Oh and Japanese Ed Glaser dies too.

As Biollante 'dies', we get one last creepy image to think about as Godzilla revives and just kind of leaves.  The End.

It was worth the wait, I think.  Godzilla vs. Biollante is not the most creative of the franchise, but it does feature some unique ideas.  The Director explained in the Making Of on the Disc that the goal was to find a new thing to worry about in place of Nuclear Power.  That replacement: Genetic Engineering.  Given the prevalence of G.M.O.s and seedless Watermelons, it's interesting to see a film address this in 1989!  The action is fun, the Effects look good and I was never bored.  I will say that there is a lot of weird, ancillary stuff.  I don't think that the part about the U.S. Military trying to steal the Godzilla cells was really necessary, especially since it went nowhere.  Is that payback for us re-Editing Godzilla 1985 and adding 'Perry Mason' to the tale?  Is it vicious irony for us trying to make the Russians look more evil in that film?  In summary, Godzilla vs. Biollante has been hard to find in the United States for years.  Now it's not, so go see it.  There can be only one!

Next up, I revisit a film reviewed in the very early days of Mondo Bizarro.  It has Mexican Wrestlers and Midgets, so it's made of win!

Because I Watched It: Super Old-School Oz

With Oz: The Great and Powerful (short review- pretty, but so-so overall) out, I thought it might be important to remind people that Oz films go back to before the classic 1939 film.

Yes, it's pretty and great.  This one came out much earlier though...

Considering when it was made, the Effects and Production Values are quite nice.

As a bonus, here's the last film Produced by L. Frank Baum himself...

It's important to remember that Baum worked on most of the adaptations while he was alive, even forming a Production Company to do so.

So, while Oz: The Great and Powerful is the latest film in the series, it's important to remember where it all started...

Very Dead: Survival of the Dead

At this point, it's more of a mercy killing than a review.  I like you, Romero, but you've made some serious mistakes in the past.  Martin, while many like it, managed to bore me to tears for most of its run-time.  Season of the Witch had a similar effect.  Bruiser had its moments, but didn't exactly make much sense.  While he had a nice career revival with Land of the Dead, it's follow-up was, well, you know how I feel about that already.  So how does he end the second trilogy?  With Survival of the Dead, of course.  Let's start off with the obvious question- what's up with that title?  Land of the Dead is about society being overrun  by the zombies, which is becoming the titular location.  Diary is about people trying to make a video diary of rising of the zombies, so that makes sense.  This movie is about people on a single island feuding over whether or not to kill...or re-kill (second kill in Stacy) the Zombies, so it's called Survival of the Dead.  I kind of get it, but it's not nearly as clever or direct as you would hope.  The original Trilogy had a Night to Day theme showing the progression of the Zombie Apocalypse.  Here it is three random stories featuring Zombies by Romero.  If you could cut the films down to 45 minutes, you could make Creepshow of the Dead (copyright, bitches!) and do it better.  Mostly, I just want to cut Diary in half- sue me!  There are numerous problems here, whether it's with the pacing, the effects, the characters or the overall theme.  To find out how this movie is only a little better than Diary, read on...

The Intro sets up the film, but also all of the problems.  First- our heroes are Soldiers who are not empathetic, nor are they cool enough for you to excuse that.

 Second- this film uses almost nothing but CG Gore.  In Diary, it's 'excused' as Romero trying to shoot it all on the fly, not leaving time to set up squibs, prosthesis' and the like.  Here- it's...um, just here.

Three- they remind us of Diary, but playing the Soldiers' scene in its entirety (just about).

How the guy thinks that they 'could be stars' is up to you to figure out.  You were barely in a film that may or may not have come out during a Zombie Apocalypse.  What would be the Box Office take on that?  I think that even Zyzzx Road would do better!

The bulk of the story is about a feud between two Irish families on an Island off the Coast of...somewhere.  It's apparently close enough to drive to from Philadelphia, since this is a Romero film

Oh and he didn't film shit actually in Philadelphia though.  Hope you like token fan-service, city!

The larger clan kicks one out after they continue to 'second-kill' the Zombies.  The others insist that they can be cured, although they're a bunch of farmers not geneticists.

Months later, however, our heroes see a video message he posted online advertising the island as a safe haven.  How good is your wi-fi in a Zombie Apocalypse?  Oh and where did the guy buy a camera?

Sparing you some zombie filler, the group gets to the Island.  They find a not-too-friendly welcome as our leader tries to take a bullet for one of the men...but it just passes through and kills him anyhow.  Wow.

The leader of the remaining Clan has set up the zombies in their old jobs, albeit chained to nearby posts.  His goal: get them to eat anything other than, well, us.

On the island, we learn that the exiled leader's daughter is a zombie now- don't ask, I guess-, but still rides her horse instinctually.  Is she the key to finding a non-flesh-eating zombie?

Oh, by the way, she has a twin sister.  Nice of that to NEVER come up in the Intro, by the way.  Lazy writing for the win!

Sparing you a long, drawn-out Third Act shoot-out, the zombies do start eating the horses.  It's too late for both daughters, however, but...yea?  Sorry, horses.

While a worse Narrator than Diary's (it's the Lead Soldier now) delivers exposition, the zombies of both Clan Leaders engage in a duel.  Get it?  Do you care?  The End.

So what was the point of this?  The Dead films are a series, so you expect some sort of escalation.  Night is about a small group in a single house when the outbreak starts.  Dawn is about a larger group coping with the outbreak in a larger way that seems to be affecting all of the United States.  Day, in spite of a lack of budget to do it properly, shows that the World is now affected and shows the Military doing what they can.  Land continues that story, showing how class inequality is still prevalent during the crisis.  That leads us to Diary, which...just kind of starts over again and focuses on a small group like Night.  The whole thing, for now, comes to a close with Survival, a film about a small group of soldiers going to an island to escape the Zombie Apocalypse.  So, it's kind of like Day of the Dead, only not as good.  All of the characters- save for a few- are unlikable assholes.  Day had a very famous one, but also gave you such a great pay-off to that character.  You could have taken lessons, Remake of Day!  Unlike that film, they don't turn the zombies into Resident Evil rejects, so it has that going for it.  The big problem with this movie is the fact that it gives you very little reason to care.  The characters are unlikable, the story is not that interesting and the scope is extremely small.  I know that Romero made this 'on the cheap,' but he could have tried harder.  It seems that he really wanted to tell this tale of 'Will Irish Farmers kill Zombies or Not' and nobody could stop him.  I...I just don't get it.  I think that Romero really sums up the problem quite nicely here...

Next up, a Rare Flick finally available on DVD in the U.S.  After four years, it's time for some 'new' Godzilla action!

Found Dead: Diary of the Dead

Was there some demand for this?  Let's take a Franchise that inexplicably returned after a quarter century and give it a Found Footage Sequel.  Seriously, that was the best idea?!?  So yeah, this is Survival of the Dead.  If you haven't read my works before, let me state that I don't like Found Footage movies as a whole. That's not to say that there aren't some decent to good ones.  Chronicle has some good moments- before the overkill Ending- and I actually love Trollhunter.  That takes an absolutely crazy idea and sticks you right in the middle of it- a good use of the sub-Genre.  This is the FIFTH of Romero's Zombie films, so why go this route now?  On top of that, it's not really a Sequel.  Instead, Romero himself referred to Diary as 'a rejigging of the Mythos.'  Naturally, let's do a pseudo-Remake now!  Kudos for trying something new, George, but maybe you should do things because they're good and not just because they're new.  There are ways that this could have worked- he just didn't do any of them.  If anything, the 'twists' to the sub-Genre that they added seems to kill the drama, rather than enhance it.  This is a sad example of someone trying to be hip, but not exactly realizing that being 'hip' is not following the lame trends of the day.  To see how it all went horribly awry (setting the bar low for Survival of the Dead), read on...

Naturally, this Found Footage Film begins with people watching- wait for it- someone else's footage.  All this serves is to set up the fact that Zombies exist.

Thanks- got it.

Our heroes are a bunch of 'College Students' (right!) who stop filming a Mummy film- insert Romero commentary about Infected here- to drive around in an RV aimlessly while watching the News and bitching.  Joy.

 Remember all those fun 'let's play with the video effects' bits from Cloverfield and Monster?  Well, they are here too.  Joy.

About halfway through the film, our Narrator- since this film was 'Edited in Post and manages to SPOIL who lives and dies- starts talking about our media-obsessed culture.  How bad is your storytelling when you feel the need to LITERALLY TELL US YOUR MESSAGE?!?!?

Diary is kind enough to rip off the 'Alien shows up at a Kid's Party' bit from Signs here.  It's a Zombie Clown instead, but otherwise the same.

It is even more pointless though, as it sets up a guy who we already saw as a Zombie (and was already dead).

Sadly, the only great character- a Deaf Amish Farmer- meets a grisly end far too early.  He goes out like bad motherf#$%er though, stopping his transformation and killing the Zombie in the process.  Good man.

Extra sad fact: Romero does NOTHING with having an Amish guy in his 'We're obsessed with technology' tale.  Lame!

Yes, I want to watch people WATCH stuff, especially when it's stuff we JUST SAW THEM FILM minutes ago.  Stop being like Jaws in Japan, please.

After a lot of non-action and stupid action, our remaining heroes lock themselves in a panic room.  Symbolism?

The film wouldn't be complete without one last bit of pretentious narration.  Thanks, Romero...I mean, the Narrator.  The End.

Seriously, why did it come to this?  I like Romero, even if I don't love his works as much as many others do. Dawn of the Dead is a great movie.  While I haven't seen Day in quite a while, I think that it's good too.  I even like Land for a lot of its aspects, even if it does steal a major aspect from the 2004 Dawn Remake.  The problems here, however, are numerous.  The film is about as subtle as a punch in the face.  Even if you didn't get the message from the over-done story scenes, the characters outright say things like 'Put down the camera and help me.'  The best (read: worst) bit is where the guy who played the Mummy in the fake film- still in the outfit days later- turns and chases the heroine- still in her costume days later- through Woods just like in the movie.  She literally says 'This is just like your goddamn movie!' to boot.  Yes, we got it!  The film constantly assaults the viewer with plot explanation while the plot is easier to read than First Grade Reading for Dummies.  On top of that, the ways he 'plays' with the Found Footage formula are more irritating than clever.  Constant mixing in of other feeds/downloads just muddies the whole thing.  The 'Director' was downloading a bunch of other Videos apparently.  The Narrator/Editor then put them in, including Music and Narration for 'dramatic effect.'  She must have worked at the Chicago Police Department.  If I wanted to be preached to, I'd just go to Church.  I wanted to watch a good Horror film, but got this instead.  Take us away, Romero's not-so-subtle commentary on the Infected...

Up next, the third and final part of Romero's second Dead Trilogy.  Let's end things with something completely superfluous and silly!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Planet of the Apes

After I found this online, I just had to share this.  I even dusted off Lost in Translation for this.  Enjoy...whatever this is.

If Andy Warhol did mushrooms, fell asleep halfway through Planet of the Apes and decided to make a poster, this would be the result.

That or some crazy Romanian did it for Lord knows why.  Thanks...I guess.

Project Terrible is Back!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the Terrible!

Wait, that's not right.  Hmm...still working on my catchphrases.

Anyhow, Project Terrible is back!

Michele- The Girl Who Loves Horror-, Bob- of Gaming Creatively 'fame'- and myself are going to be playing the Film Blogger Equivalent of Russian Roulette this Round.  Unfortunately, every chamber has a bullet it in, so nobody wins...but you.

Yes, our self-inflicted torture is your gain.  You will see fun- read: painful- reviews of such films as...

* Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
* Seeking Justice
* Atrocious
* Meat Weed America
*And Many- at least 2- More

The Reviews will officially start coming out in April, but mine may end up early.  This whole 'no schedule' thing is fun for me, so we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, enjoy how I choose to torture myself.