Project Terrible 8: The New York Centerfold Massacre

When you can barely fill 34 minutes, you should probably just not bother.  Today's PT film is The New York Centerfold Massacre, which comes courtesy of Vimeo by way of a ruined VHS Tape.  I'll admit it: I have never heard of this movie.  Mind you, it was never finished and barely-released, so I have a good excuse.  The plot involves...well, there's really not much plot.  There's slightly more to it than Kill the Scream Queen!, but less than Uli Lommel's The Black Dahlia.  Yeah, we're in THAT territory!  Basically, models go somewhere and get killed, leading us to the least-mysterious and least-planned-out mystery in all of Cinema.  Somewhere along the 27-year gap it took the film to get online (and the other three it took me to actually see it), this thing didn't age well.  To find out just how little sense this *final* version makes, read on...

The main focus: models.  They don't do Modeling, however.  Instead, they mostly sit around and bitch at each other.  Their retorts almost make me yearn for the 'clever' nature of Narcosys.

Oh and whoever put this copy on Vimeo (or who Edited for them) spliced in random Stripper on Dailymotion footage and put it through a filter  Huh?!?

In a completely-obvious Red Herring, a Casting Couch guy gets questioned.  It does lead to the film's 'best' line...

"Go ahead- be Mickey Mouse playing your Tarzan games."

I'll give you a moment to process that line and wipe up the blood coming out of your nose.

Back to the film....this shot from 30 Rock.  Subtle!

Back the shitty film quality, two models bitch for five minutes before finally heading to Soho.  They get killed by...this guy.  I say 'guy' even though it's clearly the old lady.

I mean, they've wasted five minutes showing her watching religious television...so it had better be.

A Psychic shows up...pretty randomly and tries to solve the crime.  He's basically a flimsy pretense to awkwardly-cut to the murder footage for two seconds.  Shots like...

...this.  This is apparently the face o someone who forcibly-drank Acid (as the crayon-drawn label says).  Right.

As it turns out, the killer is the old lady.  This scene is shot/edited so badly that the reveal comes in a split second and then they cut away like they have something better to do.  Speaking of which, so do I!  The End.

I wonder how this review will look after 30 years in a dank closet.  This is a bad movie.  It's not much of a movie though.  It's the barest ingredients of a film stuck together with the cinematic equivalent of Duct Tape.  What am I going to get next in Project Terrible- Grizzly 2?  The story has potential, but what they present is shit.  You want to set up a mystery about a killer taking out models?  Fine.  It's not unique- nor was it really in 1982- but it works.  This film is so amazingly-bad at this, however, that I just have to laugh.  I've never felt so bored and let-down by a film that barely clocks in at 34 minutes.  I've seen segments in Horror Anthology films that were better.  Of course, that does exclude Creepshow III.  Even if the film presented a strong narrative, the Acting is shit.  It looks like improvised dialogue...but I bet that it was all scripted.  Most of them are just downright annoying.  The saving grace- for all of the wrong reasons- is the lead Detective.  His thick accent and terrible acting made my day.  On the plus side, you can slog through this 'film' in the time that it takes to make meatloaf.

Next up, Japan rips off Star Wars...kind of.  Insert Disney Joke Here.  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible 8: Not of This Earth

Not of a good script.  Today's film is Not of This Earth, more specifically the 1988 Version by Jim Wynorski.  I say that because, like most Corman films, there is a Remake of the original film.  Unlike most Corman films, there is a SECOND Remake as well- from 1995.  This film is notable for being the *legitimate* film debut of Traci Lords, who segued nicely from doing Porn while under-age.  Classy lady.  The film is sort of a Sci-Fi/Horror/Comedy.  It's hard to classify...since there's barely any story to it.  What I can say is that it is a haven for Stock Footage, all of it belonging to Roger Corman.  Yes, I needed MORE of this.  Thanks, Michele.  This one is...interesting.  That's my nice way of saying that it's 'stupid shit.'  Oops. To find out more, read on...

A Stock Footage ship arrives from some sort of Galaxy of Terror.  Yea.

It doesn't take long for Nudity as a mysterious Man in Black kills the pair with the Stars in His Eyes.  Hurray for obvious boobs.

The Titles play over a montage of, you guessed it, Stock Footage from Corman films.  This shot sums it up quite well, actually.

Fun Fact: this movie was made b/c of a bet.  Wynorski bet that he could remake Not of This Earth for the same budget as the original film (adjusted for inflation).  Boy, does it show!

The main plot involves said Alien collecting human blood for some mysterious reason.  Oh and he hypnotizes this Doctor- played by (seriously) Ace Mask- into not revealing his secret.  The point of this- nothing.

As it turns out, he's sending the blood to his home planet to save them.  You...evil bastard?

Oh and my favorite scene comes up.  The Alien kills a dog and a woman...who were actually in Humanoids from the Deep.  Way to save cash, Jim!

Take one last non-look at those boobs.  It's the last time Lords showed them on screen.  Thanks for the random flashing, movie!

Skipping to the End, our heroine- who's a Nurse 'helping' the Alien- and this guy who's his helper realize that he's up to no good.  They stop him.

...or do they.  Dun dun dun!  The End.

For what it is, it's good.  This movie had one, simple goal: have fish-men kill and rape people.  Certainly not a lofty goal, but they did accomplish it.  Not everybody can do that.  Where does this fall in the long history of Killer Fish People Films?  Oh, I'm sorry- that was from my Humanoids from the Deep review.  Let's try this again.  This Galaxy ain't creepy enough for the two of us!  The plot of this movie is...well, odd.  The basic premise is right out of Alien, but that's where most of the comparisons end.  In fact, the comparisons between this and what would later become Aliens are actually more interesting.  Hmm...that didn't work either.  If seeing Stock Footage is fun, I figured that you'd like stock reviews.  In all seriousness, this film is just dumb and silly.  There's nothing all that unique in it, as it was just made for a quick buck.  That was why they made Lawrence of Arabia too right?  Take us away, not-so-well-mixed Stock Footage...

Next up, another Terrible film.  This 1982 'film' is a super-short, random mess.  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible 8: Area 407

In spite of feeling like crap, I'm still going to review crappy movies!  This is Project Terrible- Round 8!  We started with Shaolin Dolemite and Creepshow 3, so I need to keep the theme going.  Today's film is Area 407.  Where do I begin?  One- low-budget, DTV film.  Two- Found Footage Film.  Three- badly-written characters that grate on your nerves.  I could probably stop there, but I will push on.  The film is about a bunch of kind of annoying characters that meander around from some sort of threat.  That's the film in a nutshell- awkward running from an unseen monster.  That said, they do show you the monster...at the very end of the movie.  It's so goofy that it's almost worth the wait.  I mean, it's not, but you get the idea.  This film is a rough one, but I'm still glad that I watched it instead of Bong of the Dead.  I'll get the film soon enough, but let's enjoy this 'reprieve.'  To find out just how silly and bad this film is, read on...

The film's worst part comes right in the beginning.  I'm looking at you, annoying girl that will never shut up!

On the plus side, you haven't replaced Sarah Lieving from Monster/Tokyo.  It was a narrow race though.

The first fifteen minutes of the film can be summed up like this:

- Annoying Girl talks to everyone.
- Everyone pretends not to hate her.
- Annoying girl pretends that personal space doesn't exist.
- Rinse & Repeat.

Finally, the exposition diarrhea ends with the plane crash.  If you're expecting any F/X shots here, you'd be mistaken.  Instead of the monotony, here's this Meme-in-Progress.

After the crash, our main camera person becomes the previously-quiet Sister.  Oh and plane crashes cause big flesh wounds that otherwise don't effect you.  Want to test that, Jamie and Adam?

Kudos to the Sister for shoving the camera in her wounded sibling's face and not caring for her wounds.

Yeah, the conceits of this annoying Sub-Genre kind of make the plots seem silly at times.  Yes, I do hate it.

Over thirty minutes in and the creature finally shows up.  By 'shows up,' of course, I mean that it doesn't really appear and does shit off-camera.

Fun note: our heroine films the woman holding on for dear life...instead of helping her.  You're a real bitch, you know that?!?

The next twenty-odd minutes involves the group wandering around aimlessly, being scared by random noises and being confused.  Here's a visual summary.

The story gets a little wonky as one guy got bit earlier and spits up...eggs, apparently.  If you want an explanation for this, watch a good movie.

If you don't want to know how this movie ends, skip the last caption.  SPOILERS Ahoy!

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This happens.  The End.

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So yeah, this sucked.  I don't care for purely Found Footage films.  The one exception I make is for the original film- Cannibal Holocaust.  No, I won't let this go.  The film fails for many, many reasons.  The Acting- sub-par at best.  At worst, it's the young girl who's doing all of the talking in the opening.  As a bonus, characters just change randomly.  One guy- easily known as Drunk Asshole- acts like a dick for 98% of the movie.  It's solidified when he runs off without our heroines- since one of them is hurt and walking slowly.  A minute later, he suddenly comes back and acts nice.  Consistency is nice- I'm just saying!  The Writing is bad, but that's kind of a mixed complaint.  According to IMDB, a lot of the Dialogue was ad-libbed by the Actors.  Yeah, that worked out great for The Blair Witch Project, right?  The Story- not counting the Dialogue- is stupid and full of unexplained events.  What was the point of the experiments in Area 407?  What caused the plane to crash?  Where did the front half of the plane go?  Where did everyone in the front half of the plane go?  I could go on and on here.  For a plot so minor and void, there are a lot of issues.  If you like cheap, DTV films, you may get some perverse joy out of this.  It's by no means comparable to stuff like OREC or Chronicle, two films that I'm not the biggest fans of to begin with.  This is just silly sometimes, but otherwise dull and annoying.  Of course, there is an explanation that I just found...

Next up, Jim Wynorski.  Do I really need to say any more?  Stay tuned...

Fred Olen Ray J: Hatfields & McCoys- Bad Blood

If Fred Olen Ray can still make shitty movies in 2012, then I can be late.  Today's film is Hatfields & McCoys: Bad Blood.  If you're wondering why Ray made a film on this subject, there's a very simple reason: timing.  A pretty-successful mini-series event based on the famously-feuding families was made in the same year.  It was critically-lauded...which is not the same as today's film.  The TV film had Kevin Costner.  The Fred Olen Ray film had Christian Slater.  So yeah, there's a bit of a difference.  The big thing here- besides the smaller budget and stars- is that it plays fast and loose with history.  I haven't seen time this distorted since Time Crimes!  If you don't know about these famous families, you can learn here.  Mind you, you'll only learn part of the story and with some serious issues of time placement, but whatever.  To see *kind of* how this all got started, read on...

Are you ready for the smallest military battle since Time Chasers?  Enjoy.

Remember that whole thing about 'Show, don't Tell' I mentioned in an earlier review?  Well, Ray still hasn't learned that.  Joy.

"I'm in WHAT movie?  Well, as long as I barely appear in the film and clearly shot all of my scenes in 1 Day.  Great."

Oh and thanks to the confusing time issues in the film- basically, the feud takes place over two months and not 12 years- I'm not clear which Governor that Slater is supposed to be playing.  This is my closest guess...

So yeah, bye Historical Accuracy.

The real star here- since he actually appears in scenes with most of the cast- is Jeff Fahey as the head of the McCoys.  He's...actually pretty good here.

It's a shame that someone other than Fred Olen Ray isn't behind this film.

 Aside from the murder, there's a romance sub-plot between a Hatfield and a McCoy.  This replaces the 'Who owns this pig' debacle that really happened.

I get the idea of cutting that plot- since it does sound silly-, but it did, you know, happen!

The McCoys have a clear advantage in this battle, as they appear to have Dracula on their side.  Oh and Dylan Vox- who does both gay porn (not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that) and appears in Asylum films (not that there's...okay, you get the joke)- is here too.

On the plus side, he's not a time-traveling robot this time.

The gloves come off in this family-vs-family feud as CG blood is spilled.  Seriously, I hate you, CG blood!

Instead of SPOILING everything, I'll give you the lazy wrap-up that the real film gives you.  The End.

Well, by contrast, this is a decent film.  Let it be said that Ray makes films that aren't always horrible.  This film is...decent.  It's not really good.  It's not really bad.  The best thing I can say is that Hatfields & McCoys: Bad Blood is a decent film that does nothing special.  Hurray for mediocrity!  That said, I liked Fahey in this film.  He's not a bad Actor- even if he appears in stuff like this or Darkman 3.  He's the best part of the movie.  I am the master of very-minor compliments!  In all seriousness, this is a decent film.  While I haven't seen the mini-series, I'm pretty sure that's it's better, at least qualitatively.  For making an okay film, I salute you, Fred Olen Ray.  I say that in spite of this amazingly-silly bit of dialogue...

Next up, Project Terrible begins (for me)!  First up, Found Footage that is absolutely, positively NOT Korean.  Stay tuned...

Fred Olen Ray J: Evil Spawn (1987)

It's actually more interesting to know how the film got made than to actually talk about the film!  Today's movie is Evil Spawn, a 1987 'gem' from Ray.  It's the tale of an aging actress who tries some desperate measures to keep looking young.  If this sounds like something you've seen before, then you remember Corman's The Wasp Woman.  It was made in the '50s and later remade in the '90s for Showtime.  This movie comes between the two and is blatantly-obvious.  So yeah, the story is not much to speak of.  However, the story BEHIND the story kind of is.  To find out what that is, read on...

Always a good start to see that name in the credits.  Can this be as good as Frankenstein Island or The Wizard of Mars?  More on his role later...

There's an expression in Cinema known as 'Show, Don't Tell.'  Fred Olen Ray has apparently never heard of that before.

Stock Footage of a Space Ship.  I never get tired of seeing that in a Fred Olen Ray movie!  More Planet of the Dinosaurs footage?

I hope you were looking for a less-interesting version of the creature from Forbidden World.  You weren't?  Well, tough shit!

On the plus side, this thing barely appears in the movie.

In a random, tedious scene, two people goo looking for a cat.  They find it and one of them gets killed by a just-mutated scientist.  What does that add?  Absolutely nothing.  Now here's the funny part...

Carradine appears as a Scientist who was working on...something.  Him and his Assistant (aka Ray's wife at the time) talk about their work.  They do this very vaguely because...

This scene was shot to fit into any future film.  It shows up here and in some film called The Alien Within (future review?).  As it turns out, this is the ONLY footage here Directed by Ray...all three minutes of it.

Oh and the story...or whatever.  This Actress takes the vague drug to stay young.

It makes her into a monster.  Trust me- this is about as good as it gets.

Seriously, the rubber suit is cheap as hell.

She kills random people- mostly people who were 'in her way.'  She dies in a very anti-climactic fashion.  The End.

That was certainly a movie.  Really- what do you expect me to say?  The title makes the movie sound cool.  The movie is not.  It's a dumb, slow-paced B-movie.  Apparently Ray deemed that there wasn't enough of those in the World 25 years ago, so he made this movie.  Well, to be fair, he only made the stock insert scene with his then-wife and Carradine.  He's not responsible for the rest of this movie.  Actually, that's only partly-true, since he's the Producer here.  He almost Produced The Alien Within too, making it a double-dose of inadvertent Ray crap.  So, in summary, the movie sucks.  Here's a funny P.O.V. shot clearly made up of a glass bottles...

Next up, Ray gives us a movie about a famous family feud.  If Richard Dawson was here in place of Christian Slater, we'd have a movie!  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: Laughs from The Onion

For being so good at being fake news (sorry, Fox), I salute The Onion.  If you don't know who they are, shame on you!

Here are a couple of samples to sway.  First, here's my favorite moment from 'Today Now,' their fake Morning Show...

Great stuff.

Next, a short bit from ONN or The Onion News Network.  Sadly, their TV show was not meant to last...

Finally, a clip from their faux Entertainment News program.  It's a story that I wish was real...

Seriously, if you don't watch The Onion on YouTube/somewhere else, you may as well be dead to me.  They're great and we all just have to accept that.

Got more content ideas for this segment.  If not, I'll just keep putting up whatever crap I think of.  I'm just saying...