Infamous Week: Fair Game

How many times can one book hurt us?  The book in question is Fair Game, a fairly-minor book in the grand scheme of things.  However, it has been adapted into a movie three different times, each under a different title!  First it was 1986's Cobra, which itself went through a complex change or two.  Essentially, Sylvester Stallone adapted the book into an action-comedy for Eddie Murphy.  When Murphy dropped out to make Beverly Hills Cop (thank God!), it was re-written as a dramatic vessel for, you guessed it, Stallone himself.  This led into Black Cobra, a film that was made in Italy, rips off the last movie and has a black guy in the lead (Fred Williamson), thus explaining the title.  He's never called that in the movie, nor is his name Cobra in any form, but it still counts...in Italy.  This leads us into 1995's Fair Game, the first film to actually keep the title.  The key thing to understand is that this film was built as a vessel for one person: Cindy Crawford.  Not content with being a Supermodel, she went into acting.  It went about as well as Alien in L.A. did.  To see how a lesser-Baldwin and a Supermodel can fail on a grand stage, read on...

Cindy Crawford plays a Civil Attorney who gets shot at by someone while jogging.  We nearly got a Poor Bastards of Cinema here, but the nearby jogger wasn't hit.

She meets up with Officer Kilpatrick (Billy Baldwin) who is having some relationship troubles with his ex-girlfriend.  She's played by Salma Hayek, who is only here for two scenes.  Why couldn't you be the lead?!?

This man is the one trying to kill her.  He's an ex-KGB agent who is trying to stop her from claiming a boat in a civil suit, since it's part of his plans.  Just to note: the opening shooting is shown before she actually mentions the boat to opposing council.  Editing mistake or Criswell-style assassin- you decide!

Despite blowing up her apartment with explosives, our heroine survives.  Amazingly, she is not cut to ribbons by flying glass.  Are you invulnerable?

In a really dumb-ass move, our hero figures out that the villains are Russians...and tells them.  You realize how much of advantage you had, right?!?

After numerous explosions and near-misses, the stress is getting to our two heroes.  They can barely act their way out of wet tissues, but that much I can tell.  Of course, you know what has to happen...

That's right- they have to sex in The Matrix.  Actually, this is the view via some sort of Thermal Vision Scanner, although I kind of question that.  Big finish time!

Our hero kills a bunch of Russians before having a showdown on a boat.  The whole thing was building up to this, so, naturally, it ends very quickly with a Self-Destruct Sequence being activated (Action Cliche #455) and our heroes jumping away from an explosion in front of the camera (Action Cliche #3,214).  All is well.  The End.

Stick to your K-Mart line, honey.  The plot of this film is simple enough.  Actually, it's really simple.  At times, however, it is overly-complicated...on the surface.  No matter what the scenario- i.e. the villain's impersonating FBI agents- it is still the same thing: the bad guy's trying to kill Crawford.  We get a series of set-piece action moments, including one in a Parking Garage- Hello, Pelican Brief- and one on the road.  The situations are very stock and you can pretty much see every event coming.  That's not to say that they're all bad, per se, just predictable.  It does get points for some neat tricks, like crashing a burning car into the bad guys.  It loses most of those points, however, for doing silly stunts for no reason.  The highlight: Crawford escapes onto a train, hoping to keep anyone else from getting involved.  Baldwin's solution: drive a car next to the speeding train and leap into the open side-door!  You had to work one more car explosion in, didn't you?!?  This film both suffers and benefits from this kind of mindset.  It's stupid as hell, but it's easy to laugh at too.  In other words: there are far worse films out there.  Take us away, Thermal view of someone peeing...

Next up, I wrap up the week with a film that combines Renny Harlin and Andrew 'Dice' Clay.  Hide your Woman's Rights advocates and koala puppets!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Halloween- Dia De Muertos

It's Party Time in Mexico as a bunch of 'teens' party together in this 'Halloween' horror film.

Among the group is a girl who we always see drinking, but never having any lines.  You're important!

After a big chunk of the group has been killed and the rest run off, this girl wakes up for her drunken stupor and moves to a chair to sit down...

...but the killer shows up and slits her throat!  That seems unnecessary!

As if that wasn't bad enough, he then poses her body back where it was originally.  Why?  Just so she can be found to terrify the remaining cast.

As we learn, this girl was met by our heroes at the Liquor Store (off-camera) and tagged along.  Her punishment: death!

As if that wasn't bad enough, she has no tangential connection to the killer's bizarre revenge scheme.

Up next, a cop learns that you should never drink a beer with a friend.  Oh look- an alien!  Stay tuned...

Infamous Week: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

What in the hell is this?!?  Here's a quick history lesson for all of you who are younger than me and don't know about nearly-everything that happened 80 years before their birth.  The Beatles were a band.  They broke up in 1970.  In 1974, an off-Broadway Musical was made based on their last album.  In 1978, it was made into a movie...without The Beatles.  Their Manager was involved, but that's it.  In their place is just about every other musical group in the 1970s, with the exception of KISS.  They had their own crappy movies to do, people!  Can you make a Musical without real dialogue and only one person actually talking?  Apparently, yes.  To see how this film got its bizarre reputation, read on...

The film begins in WWI and explains that Sgt. Pepper led a band through all of the major wars and periods of history.  All of this, mind you, is just to set up the new band, which consists of The Bee-Gees and Peter Frampton.  Okay then.

The group lives in a ridiculously-idyllic town.  It's essentially how the '70s looked at the '50s and thought it was like.  George Burns approves!

The boys hit it big and fly to Hollywood...in a blimp.  There they meet a Record Producer who will take them right to the top.  He's...Dr. Loomis?

There's barely any plot from hereon out.  If you really care, look it up!  Instead, I'll highlight the random guest stars of the film.  First up, Steve Martin...for some reason.

Next up, Alice Cooper appears as the face of the evil company behind the plot.  Nice mustache, dude.

Earth, Wind and Fire show up as...themselves.  No characters for them, huh?  Their contribution: distracting our heroes while Strawberry Fields is kidnapped and their money is stolen.  Nice.

Aerosmith- in mid-heroin abuse, I'm sure- play a villainous band who play a song while holding Strawberry hostage.  If you ever wanted to see Steven Tyler and Peter Frampton fight, you finally get your wish!

Our heroes rush into action!  No caption will make this seem anything other than silly.

In the ultimate case of a lazy, Deus Ex Machina ending, Billy Martin appears as the animated form of the Sgt. Pepper weather vane & undoes all of the bad events with his magic powers.  No, really.

 Random celebrity overload in a sad attempt to copy the album cover.  Thanks- that was necessary.  The End.

Stop singing, please!  There is practically no plot here, but I guess that I can discuss it.  How does this bizarre town exist in a time capsule?  How have they lasted like this when they are so unprepared for any bad thing?  Seriously, the bad guy- Mean Mr. Mustard- goes in with one henchman and takes their most prized possessions!  What exactly is the importance of these instruments?  Furthermore, are we supposed to assume that this band literally played the same instruments for over 40 years?  Nothing ever happened to them?  They didn't have spares?  I should be nicer, you say, this is a Musical after all.  I don't really think that it should qualify as an excuse.  Imagine if Music Man had aliens show up.  Imagine if The King & I was about China fighting the Romans.  Imagine if Annie was about her teaming up with Batman!  Actually, I'd watch that last one.  This 'story' is just so ridiculous and would fall apart if George Burns wasn't narrating.  The film is a mess.  That said, if you like the Beatles songs, they make up 90% of the movie.  Of course, none of them are sung by The Beatles, so that kind of ruins that.  Take us away, random racist robots...

Up next, one of the most famous career transitions of all-time: Cindy Crawford, Actress.  Can this film live up to its Golden Raspberry nominations?  Stay tuned...

Infamous Week: The Black Hole

It does not suck you in.  Many readers from Generation Z may not be aware that Disney- the monolith that controlled their childhood through teen years- was at one point bankrupt.  That's right- they nearly lost it all.  Imagine life if they had been forced to pawn off the Disney Vault!  You could buy any Disney film whenever you wanted, not just on leap years or on sacred Samhain.  What could have nearly brought down this monolithic company?  Common knowledge tells you that it was Tron, the film that was less successful than its arcade game counterpart.  That is...not exactly the truth.  The actual reason is a slew of films: The Black Hole, Tron and Something Wicked This Way Comes.  It was the successive failure of all three films that did this, much in the same way that over-printing and foil covers nearly brought down Marvel.  So what is this movie?  It's a fairly-dull sci-fi film about the discovery of a ship floating near the titular body in space.  What is the reason?  What could possibly be the purpose?  Why does the robot have creepy, doll eyes?  All of these questions will be answered- slowly- in today's review.  Hide your dead mother as we enter...

Oh my bad, we actually get two and a half minutes of music in front of this black screen.  Is this a DVD extra gone awry or did they really start the film like this?  If so, I can see why it bombed.  You're not Fantasia- which was also a flop, by the way.

The actual film begins with a spaceship flying around and coming across a black hole.  Norman Bates is intrigued...

...while this robot is...um, happy...sad...I don't know.  All I know is that those eyes are creepy as hell.  Kudos for getting Roddy McDowall to do the voice, even if he is uncredited.

This scientist- who is a dead ringer for Topol from Flash Gordon- has been doing some experiments with the black hole.  In addition, his whole crew is gone, while he has a bunch of robots in hoods walking around.  Hmm...

Our robot friend makes a buddy with a similar robot, voiced here by Slim Pickens (also uncredited).  I hope you like their scenes, because they help pad out the movie by at least fifteen minutes.

The Captain (Robert Forster) witnesses a robot funeral and finally figures out the truth: they're the crew.  Time to get the 'F' out of here!

In The End, the villain tries to fly the ship- with our heroes' ship in tow- into the Black Hole and out the other side.  They escape just in time to avoid this...

...what is this exactly?  Apparently Hell- or the evil Mountain from Fantasia- exists in the Black Hole.  Suck it, Stephen Hawking.  The End.

How did you not make money here?  The plot of this movie has potential, but squanders it.  The crazy scientist- good.  The mysterious vessel and the quest for power- good.  The ho-hum execution of the plot that just kind of meanders- bad.  The cast is alright, but they don't really get much to do.  Even a good actor like Forster just kind of sleepwalks through the role.  The role is written in such a generic manner that I wonder why he has a name- why not just call him Captain?!?  The whole thing is just played in such a lackadaisical manner that it is just amazing.  On top of that, the movie is full of weird, random things that never get explained.  Why cast McDowall and Pickens in roles like this?  Why does the female scientist have ESP?  More importantly, why does she have a psychic connection...with a robot?!?  How the hell does that work?!?  The ending is amazingly-random too.  It's easy to see why this movie failed- it's just dull.  Makes me wonder how Something Wicked This Way Comes looks after twenty-plus years.  Hmm...

Next up, one of the most infamous movie musicals of all-time (not starring The Village People).  No Beatles allowed.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: A Christmas Carol (2009)

American animated films don't always translate well overseas.  This is especially true when it comes to Robert Zemeckis' oddly-realistic, CG movies.  This poster shows just why...

Oh my God, Zombie Lincoln is coming to get you!  Hide your man-shaped candles!!!

Next up, Indiana Jones posters take another trip overseas and get worse for wear.  Pop Art for the Win!  Stay tuned...

Infamous Week: Super Mario Bros.

Press Start to be disappointed!  After a long period of hype, Nintendo fans got a Super Mario Bros movie.  How would that work?  The games- counting the original Arcade one- had no real plots to speak of.  Some combination of Mario and Luigi would run around, headbutt some bricks and jump on walking mushrooms.  What kind of narrative is there?  As it turns out, they made a mess of the film.  Hell, the Porn version of the film is closer to the plot, even though it mixes up Mario and Luigi.  The film comes to us from the pair behind Max Headroom, which explains the neo-future setting and the scatter-shot humor.  The mixed-up plot comes to us courtesy of daily rewrites on the set.  Good times, good times.  The set was full of issues, including one of the stars- John Leguizamo- taking up drinking, leading to him breaking the other star's wrist in an on-set crash.  When you see one actor wearing gloves for one scene and the other not, you'll know what happens.  To find out just why a generation of Gamers hates this film, read on...

In a ridiculous bit of animation and narration, we 'learn' that maybe another Dimension was made when that infamous asteroid hit the Earth. Wait- did it?  Why can't the Narrator just say it?  Plus, why is the Narrator Homer Simpson?!?

After that silly crap, we get more silly crap.  A lady escapes from the sewer and delivers an egg to a Catholic Church.  Said egg hatches to reveal a little girl, who will grow up to be an ashamed character-actor.

The late Dennis Hopper smoothly segues into Waterworld with his performance as King Koopa.  He's so silly that he makes Fisher Stevens looks sedate.

Our heroes end up in the Other Dimension- which is never actually explained- and end up as fugitives.  It all has to do with a MacGuffin in the form of a meteor rock chunk.  I'd explain why it's important, but then I would have to kill myself.

Remember how Toad is a humanoid Mushroom in the games?  He's a Hippie Protester here, who ends up being turned into a Koopa.  You've made up random shit so far, so why not?

When your Mario Bros movie has Mario dancing with a fat lady in a bar, you've made a wrong turn!  Abandon ship!

Just over an hour in, we finally get a fair semblance of the classic Super Mario Bros. outfits.  When contrasted with the shrunken-head Koopas, it's not enough!

Let's take time to work in some imagery that will be awkward in 8 years.  Fun fact: this movie was released the same year as the original WTC bombing!

Hey movie, why don't you flash an image of what Koopa should have been for about twenty-seconds, just to rub it in?  Thanks a lot.

Holy Lance Henriksen- are you required to be in every piece of shit movie like this?!?

The film ends on some sequel bait that just appears to be really, really sad.  The only thing that would have been worse- Super Mario Bros.: The Movie- The Game!  The End.

No One-Ups for you, movie!  The plot of this film is a mess.  Is anyone surprised?  They took a game that didn't really have much narrative to it, wrote about four different scripts and spent the better part of six months doing daily revisions on those!  When the Directors- who everyone realizes were out of their element here- seem flustered, things are not good.  Here's a thought: embrace the nothingness of the plot.  Just have two people playing the Brothers, have it just stated that they battle Koopa and go from there.  What's wrong with that?  Would a plot involving a meteorite creating a parallel dimension to ours- in the Earth's core- that is full of evolved dinosaurs seem good instead?  They should have just gone big or gone home.  As it is, the movie is a confusing mess full of messed-up characters,- Yoshi as a Raptor- pointless plot turns,- the henchman becoming super-smart- and is ultimately just a waste of time.  It almost makes you yearn for Uwe Boll films.  At least those are *usually* closer to the source material!  Take us away, worst character names ever...

Next up, one of the three films that bankrupted Disney in the '80s.  It's Norman Bates in space- with robots.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Too Scared to Scream

Are horror movies too scary for you?  Do they make you want to scream?  This movie may be too much for you then...

Who is the sick bastard that is killing all of our plaster masks?  Inquiring minds want to know...so they'll have to buy the VHS.  Those sneaky bastards...

Next up, a film that I narrowly-avoided as part of Project Terrible.  Will the VHS box sway me?  Stay tuned...