Forgotten Sequels: Truth or Dare 3

Please let this be the end!  I made it through Truth or Dare?, which was just a random VHS mess.  I survived Truth or Dare 2?, which was just a giant, insulting dream sequence. 

 Can this film be worse or is it just bound to be better by default?  Well, it's still a Tim Ritter film, so I'm just going to go ahead and say 'no.'  

So what's the plot here?  Well, it involves not the actual killer from the series, but a new one killing those seeking to profit from his legacy.  That's...different, but still kind of silly.  

They've also do some clever/lazy retcon work to make a minor character into a series-connector.  

On one hand, I'll give you credit for using your footage.  On the other hand, it makes no sense and is just stupid.  Without further ado, let's begin...

We begin with a quick recap of the first film and show the ending of the second one with the group discussing Mike Strauber being given probation.  Say good-bye to two of those characters, by the way, as only one of them will play a part in the film from hereon out.  

The remaining doctor- played by Joel D. Wynkoop- takes Mike down the hallway and then, for no reason, starts beating him up.  We learn later that this got him fired from his job.  When you hear the reason for him attacking Mike, the logic will just get dumber.  

The narrative then focuses on a sad, crazy guy in a hotel.  He has a vision of his dead wife and a flashback to when she died.  Her death occurs via stock footage from the first film in which Mike runs over a woman and a baby.  Stay classy, movie!  He goes to his doctor, but the guy is not a lot of help.  

When he sees a story about a guy who sells serial killer merchandise, the ghost appears again and tells him to take action!

The film falls into a pattern of scenes.  Don't you just love repetition in cinema?
* A copper-masked killer attacks someone.
* We see Wynkoop moping about and/or being sad.
* The crazy guy sees a vision of his wife.
* We are shown stock footage from Truth or Dare?: A Critical Madness.  It was just great the first time!
Basically, you can just pick any of those scenes at random and you have the Second Act of the film.  Yea.

Finally, as the film begins to wrap up, we learn a bit of stuff.  Wynkoop was a hospital worker when Mike Straub escaped in the first film.  They use footage of him in the film as a minor character and just retcon it in, basically.  He feels bad for all of the deaths that occurred after that escape, so he became a doctor there...because it's just that easy.  Out of rage, he attacked Straub and got himself fired- dumb-ass.  

The copper-masked killer (also played by Wynkoop for no clear reason) has been targeting people who made money from Straub's actions.  Wynkoop's girlfriend- who is way out of his league- is kidnapped and our hero tracks her down.  He follows the doctor from earlier to a warehouse and is attacked by the killer.  He takes him out, only to be confronted by the doctor.  

He had his girlfriend- hello, new character- pretend to be the guy's wife in order to drive him mad.  The guy recovers and kills the doctor, before ultimately killing himself out of grief.  

The woman runs away, only to be haunted by he ghost of the killer.  The End...for now.

The third time is still a failure!  The plot of this movie is a big, confusing mess.  We have a series of characters that have almost no connection to each other in a film that barely makes sense.  

What drives the doctor to make his patient a killer?  

What makes the killer able to gain 50 lbs in order to be played by Winkoop?  

In the stupid, second film, Wynkoop playing the character was at least a plot point.  Here- it just seems like they film a bunch of scenes of him in the outfit and decided later how it would fit in.  Stop taking movie advice from Ed Wood!  

Like the second film, it really thinks that it is clever.  The action is not that good and, on top of that, the pacing kills it.  We go long stretches without a kill, while a couple of the kills are over very quickly.  The serial killer exploiter guy- who looks like the hero from Time Chasers- has a long, drawn out death.  He's beaten up, stabbed, has chemicals poured into his mouth and is ultimately strangled.  

You saved all of your rage for him, huh?  The whole thing is just cheap and the DVD release does nothing to help matters.  

If you like DVDs that are VHS Transfers without Menus of any kind, you're in luck!  If Ritter didn't try and the people behind the DVD release (probably Ritter too) didn't try, why should you care?  

On the plus side, check out the cameos by the Rumpelstiltskin and Creep (another Ritter film) posters below...

Next up, we change gears dramatically with a Disney film.  After being denied a DVD release for a decade, how does it turn out?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Flash Gordon

After last week's crap, I want to treat you all the random awesomeness of this Flash Gordon poster...

In spite of his silly pose, the poster is awesome!  It shows you the floating city (looking less like a model), the Hawkmen & even the love interest in her space bikini!

Although, I would be remiss for not mentioning this- where the hell is Ming?!?

Next up, we see one of the foreign posters for Futureworld, which changed the title for no reason.  Can it be sillier than the actual film is?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Priceless Beauty

When you rub a lamp, you either expect to get a blue genie that spews pop-culture references or a dirty hand.  However, the main character in this film got something else...

Half-naked Diane Lane circa the 1980s- I'm already sold.  Although, to be fair, Lambert's face is kind of a buzz-kill here.  At least you know that he got to 'hit that' for a bit during this same time.

Next up, I have some bad news.  Some sort of Demon has invaded our Paradise.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Species III

All your questions will be answered!  Oh wait- you didn't have any questions?  You say that Species ended with the villain/heroine dead & Species II did that...again?  Well, they made this movie, so it's too late to say 'no' now!  As a bonus, this movie was made for the Sci-Fi Channel (pre-name change).  You want more?  Well, the film series' star is only on hand for a cameo.  Did she turn them down or did they not want her?  It's hard to imagine that Natasha Henstridge had too much on her plate!  This movie is a follow-up to the other films, except that it kind of goes off on its own tangent and just starts making shit up.  Oh boy, this will be fun. Let's check out the number 42 to see the meaning of...

The film begins with Species II left off with a government ambulance taking away the wounded body of Eve (Henstridge) and one of her weird, red-headed children.  Yeah, that whole plot is easily overlooked from the last film.  By the way, Species II came out in 1998, while Species III came out in 2004.  Slowest ambulance ever!  Eve gives birth to...another baby, which subsequently kills her.  Way to get out of this film while you were ahead, Natasha!  We awkwardly jump to a new story, that of a student giving a tour of a energy company's facility.  Two things: one- how are you in charge of the tour and two- could you make this foreshadowing any more obvious?!?  He goes to class and is 'blessed' with a long lecture about how the government doesn't respect life created in labs.  You're too subtle, movie!  Sure enough, the guy is raising a little girl who is the baby born from Eve.  Our hero is about to lose his scholarship unless he focuses on a new field of study.  Guess who's looking for a new helper!

Naturally, conflict arises when our young hero realizes that the alien girl is about his age and isn't keen on wearing clothes.  Being topless- the main job requirement for starring in a Species film.  The guy who wanted to cut his funding shows up too, just in time to see the girl naked (from both sides, thank you) and then get killed by her.  In addition to the girl/alien that the scientist is trying to raise, he runs across other 'children' that have very unstable DNA and aren't living long.  The whole point- give the scientist more drive to help fix whatever problems the girl/alien may have & stop this from happening to her.  Enough of that though, let's throw in more romance.  It's sappy, cheap and fills up the run-time quite nicely!  Real conflict finally arises as a more healthy male guy/alien shows up looking for the girl/alien.  He's got one thing on his mind- date rape!

We get a long, silly fight between the two alien/people.  They turn into their 'real' forms and slap each other around.  The girl/alien is saved, but the scientist guy is killed by the guy/alien.  This leaves the guy and girl together, which just leads to more romance.  Of course, the girl runs off to find out about yourself, leading to the required scene of her regenerating a limb.  Ha ha ha- overdone.  All of this leads up to a a big, final battle between another male alien and our heroine at, wait for it, that lab from the beginning of the film.  Hey, that's what foreshadowing means!  In the end, both of the creatures fall into the thing as the doors are sealed.  In a completely illogical twist ending, we learn that the girl/alien is still alive and somewhere else.  Um, how?  The End.

Was this really necessary?  The plot of this movie is alright, but nothing more.  It doesn't really take any major risks and just kind of goes through the motions.  It's like the final Raw and Smackdown shows before Wrestlemania!  The new stuff they introduce is just kind of silly.  I'll give them credit for not ignoring the original films.  However, the original films are not, you know, good.  I might forgive you somewhat for ignoring those films.  The CGI here is pretty silly, but they at least use latex suits for a lot of the alien work.  They go against the H.R. Giger designs though- boo!  It's not much worse than Species or Species II.  The whole film is just cheap and kind of pointless though.  Let's hope that things improve for Species IV, but...we all know that they won't.  Take us away, teen girl ass that I (sadly) have to censor...

Next up, I cover the final (so far) film in the Truth or Dare? series.  Please tell me that this one isn't all a dream too!  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Decadent Evil

Vampires vs. Phil Fondacaro.  That's pretty much the gimmick here, although there is a little more on display. Yes, we also get a cliche love-story and some bizarre comedy involving a puppet.  A puppet in a Full Moon film?  Shocking- I know.  If you're looking for a normal vampire film, look elsewhere.  Actually, to be fair, you do get a pretty familiar vampire film in the beginning...but I'll get into that later.  On the plus side, Phil Fondacaro is in this movie and he's always awesome.  Can he raise this movie above the rest by the sheer power of his awesomeness?  Get out your recipe for chocolate evil as we prepare to make...

The film begins...with stock footage of Vampire Diaries.  No, really.  They waste ten minutes on this crap.  Why?  Well, it helps pad out the run-time for one.  For another, the villain is supposed to be one of the random vampire ladies from that film.  Is it the same actress?  Not as far as I could tell.  No, this is the slutty, Tina Fey lady from Blood Dolls.  Oh good, you're back.

The plot proper breaks down like this.  A lady is in love with a guy, but she's a vampire.  He doesn't know that until Phil Fondacaro shows up and tells him that.  He also tosses out some random dialog explaining that vampires come from different Clans and that vampire rules vary from group to group.  Case in point: these vampires aren't hurt by garlic, but they also can't smell it.  No, really.  The guy eventually discovers that his lady friend is a vampire and she agrees to leave with him.  However, the girl's 'sister' wants to use her leaving as leverage to make herself look good.  Oh yeah, the 'sister' also brings home a hooker, who appears to be played by a porn star.  Let's do an IMDB search and see, shall we?  Well, unless Big Tits in Sport 6 and Suck It Dry 7 (how can I watch them without seeing the rest of the story?!?) are something other than porn, I would say that I'm right.  There's also a puppet called Marvin the Homonculus.  Lame.

Finally, we get to see Phil in action as he takes on the vampire horde.  Actually, it's just the 'sister' at this point.  He seemingly puts up no fight, only to stab her with a tiny stake that he hides under his hat.  Yeah, how would that pierce her heart?  She dies, which is something that our lead heroine takes fairly-well.  Got over it, huh?  The evil lady vampire shows up and gloats about what she has done.  The Homunculus, you see, is the father of Phil, whom the woman transformed because she didn't like him anymore.  Phil tries to take her out with the same trick, but it doesn't work.  Wow- shocking.  Phil just kind of gives up until his father whispers a plan to him.  The dad puts some of his essence in Phil (no, it's not like that) and the guy gets bitten, which causes the vampire lady to turn into a female version of a cheap puppet.  The day is saved, thanks to happenstance and a half-hearted attempt at being clever.  Oh yeah, the couple is happy and together...until the sequel.  The End.

Wow, you barely tried here, huh?  The plot of this movie is alright, but really stretched thin.  I mean, the movie is 80 minutes long and they have to seriously try to make this work.  Yes, they do spend about 1/8th of the film just showing you stock footage from a film that barely fits into a different series (Subspecies).  On top of that, they follow this up by spending five minutes showing you this couple in a strip club.  The whole point- they eventually go to the vampire's house and get killed.  That's 1/4 of the run-time gone now.  Way to make this look hard!  Phil Fondacaro is good here, but supremely-wasted.  I was wondering why Phil didn't make an appearance in the sequel.  Now I know.  Thank you, Phil.  Your awesomeness is too good for this series.  When you're an off-shoot of the Subspecies series over seven years after the last one- which itself had a five-year gap between films, you're off to a bad start.  Good news- you didn't get any worse.  Of course, you also didn't get any better.  Mind you, I'm still going to see the sequel...

Next up, Random Forgotten Sequel Week begins with the second Species sequel.  Oh good, another film made for the Syfy Channel.  Stay tuned...
  

Somebody Thinks That I'm Interesting!

It's official- I'm famous.  My first interview is up and boy, am I awesome in it.  Check it out:

http://mmhorrorcollection.blogspot.com/2011/04/horror-blog-of-month-mondo-bizarro.html

Thank you.  I am indeed awesome.

Oh yeah, check out the guy's blog too.  He seems nice.

Ha ha ha- sarcasm (towards myself, that is).

Moon Over Miami: Head of the Family

Why do you make a movie called this?  Today's film is a 1996 horror/comedy about a crazy family and a grifter who chooses to exploit them.  It's basically a Tennessee Williams play, just with bad writing and mutants.  Is that how they pitched this film to the investors?  If so, it explains why the proposed sequel has yet to come to fruition in the last 14 years.  Oh yeah, it's apparently supposed to be the precursor to Blood Dolls, in that the villain from that movie is supposed to be related to this film's one.  Is this built up at all here?  No.  He just has the same last name- and a flipped gimmick- as that guy.  Thanks, I guess.  Will this film top that film's sub-par randomness?  I sure hope so, but my hopes are about as high as Spud Webb.  Look it up.  Put on your nice toy, young man because we're going to meet the...

Basically, the film is set in a small, Southern city.  One guy who owns a Diner is having an affair with the ignored wife of another man.  A bizarre family lives in town as well and its patriarch never shows his face around town.  People are also disappearing in the area, but I'm sure that it's not related to them in any way.  One night, the Diner's owner witnesses the family kidnapping a man.  He shows up and intends to blackmail them into taking care of the lady's husband.  Inside, he meets the titular head of the family.  That's quite a mug!

The family hesitantly does his bidding, but waits to enact their revenge.  In the meantime, we get a series of scenes that either involve the couple screwing each other (often in the same room every time) or talking about their scheme.  Yes, you're clever and you like sex- move on!  The family finally manages to find out key portions of the man's plan, including the location of a lawyer who has a note that would be released in the event of the man's death.  That plan falls apart when the people just kill his lawyer.  Shit is about to go down!

The family captures our hero and his lady friend.  They threaten to kill the guy, but he says something about having a second letter.  Instead of just killing him, the group decides to put on a play.  Only in a Full Moon film.  Using a host of mental patients and those that have been experimented upon (including the husband from earlier), the family puts on a play about Joan of Arc.  Well, this is the kind of film that would end up in a Janitor's Closet in a Sanitarium.  The stage is set on fire and the pair make a break for it.  Our hero/villain tosses the Head down the stairs- nice visual, by the way- while his new wife runs into the big, strong member of the family.  She decides to marry him instead, since he's the only remaining heir to the fortune.  Oh yeah, the scheming guy is randomly-killed too.  The End.

Stop while you're not a head!  The plot of this movie is kind of one-note.  A guy blackmails the family and they get revenge.  There is literally nothing else going on here.  The film just kind of recycles the same scenes for the first half and relies on nudity to get you to the Third Act.  At least in that part we get some random comedy and awkwardness.  I'm sorry, Full Moon, but you do not know how to pace a film!  Do you think that I went into a film with a giant-headed man using his crazy family to commit crime & wanted to hate it?  No, of course not!  The end result of this film is just tedium.  You guys wasted a good opportunity and have yet to get your second shot at it.  Blood Dolls was weird and pointless.  This one was just pointless.  I feel bad saying that, but it's true.

Next up, the final film of Full Moon Week is the first part of a series.  Will it lure me in or make think of it as just small?  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Totem (1999)

In the midst of this tale of killer puppets, 'teenagers' in a cabin and death, our heroine has a flashback that explains everything about the creatures.  Something is odd and familiar about this, however...

For all you movie buffs, this is stock footage from a film called The Vikings, which starred Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis.

Yes, Full Moon just tinted it blue, put a voice-over track on it and put a bunch of digital flames in front of it.  Lame!

Horror Blogger Alliance: This Week For: April 3rd to 9th [2011]

Horror Blogger Alliance: This Week For: April 3rd to 9th [2011]

http://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2011/03/announcement-project-terrible-round-two.html

Moon Over Miami: Dr. Alien

What are you a doctor of exactly?!?  This Full Moon comes to us from the late-'80s, although it looks it is was made in the mid-'70s.  This is due to the people behind this film's DVD release giving us the cheapest DVD release possible.  I kind of expecting that with Nightmare Sisters, given that it never actually got one!  Oh yeah, this is also a David DeCoteau film.  Well, it's either about half-naked ladies or shirtless men, I suppose.  The film's plot is simple- alien hormones help you get chicks.  Don't worry- I'll fill three paragraphs somehow.  Tighten your sphincters as we go to visit...

Basically, we meet our hero.  He's a nerd and dresses up nice all the time.  How dare you...care about your appearance!  He longs for a girl at school, but can't do anything to get her attention.  Oh yeah, she also is dating the school jock/jerk.  Him and his friend go to school and meet the hot new teacher.  She invites the guy to stay after class and experiments on him.  The result- he grows an alien finger/dick on his head.  I mean, this just speaks for itself...

Boobs.  That's all I have to say...again.

*****

No, not really.  Basically, the hormone infusion makes women jump all over the guy.  For some reason, it randomly turns on and off- creating wacky hijinks.  Now, that's all I have to say.  Hello, censor blocks.

I'd be lying if I said that this whole thing wrapped up in a logical way.  Our hero enjoys his newfound 'stud' status a bit too much for his girlfriend.  He also becomes a rock singer because...um, the plot says so.  She gets mad at him for hitting on other girls.  It's around this time that the lady doctor- who is totally not an alien- shows up and...reveals that she is an alien.  She shoots up the place until the hero talks her down.  All is made well and the film Ends.

David DeCoteau's track record remains intact!  The plot of this movie is stupid and a little insulting.  Let's just say that women don't come off well in this movie.  I thought gay men understood women!  It's just an excuse to show a bunch of boobs and tell a bunch of stupid jokes.  I could lie and tell you that there was something really interesting to talk about here.  There's not.  In fact, the movie is so dumb and predictable that I was able to notice a random reference that DeCoteau put in.  Note the cereal box (and the cheap, marker-drawn box) and it's use of the title of a previous film by the Canadian man in the closet...

Next up, we cover a Full Moon film with a pun title.  How have I gone so long without talking about one of these?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Hologram Man

In Hologram Man, our titular hero works for the evil California Corporation.  After saving the day, he goes to talk to the CEO out in the alley...

The guy says a lot of bad things, basically culminating in him saying that he's making himself the new ruler.

Our hero doesn't take this well and decides to push his energy hand into the engine (sorry for the angle, but they shot it- not me!), which...

...blows up the car!  Don't ask- it's stupid movie science at work.  This is all good, except for one important thing...

The CEO rode there in a limo- meaning that our hero just killed his poor driver too!  What did that guy do to deserve death?  Hero of the middle-class- feh!

Next up, the same film gives us yet another Poor Bastard.  This guy dies in the line of duty for the sake of plot convenience.  Stay tuned... 

Moon Over Miami: Totem (1999)

A group of 'teens,' a cabin and some monsters.  This is the formula for a good movie.  That movie, of course, is Evil Dead II.  Sadly, I'm not watching that movie today.  Instead, I'm reviewing a Full Moon film from 1999.  The first sign of quality comes when I see that the title card is made using the same computer program (and font type) that the one from The Vault was made.  Sure- why not?!?  The film has a very loose plot and by 'loose,' I mean stupid as hell.  I mean, are we supposed to buy this crap?  Well, I rented it, so let's just take a look.  Get out your carving knives as we prepare to update the...

A girl wanders through the woods and ends up at a cabin.  She meets up with a bunch of random people who have been there for a while.  Blah blah blah, they bicker and proceed to wander around for a bit.  They find a giant totem pole with three puppets...I mean, statues on them.  That night, one of the people goes outside and is lost for a bit.  Another one of them goes after her and comes back with her dead.  One of the puppets attacks the cabin & gets scared away.  The corpse starts talking and speaks about some sort of prophecy.  Okay then.

Basically, the prophecy states that there will be six people.  Three of them will be victims and three of them will be killers.  To prove this, one of the women goes outside and another guy follows her outside, legitimately-concerned.  When they get near the statue, he gets blitz attacked by her with an axe- killing him.  She brags about how she defeated the prophecy...that is until the hero heroine explain that the prophecy never stated who in the group would be which role.  Oops.

Things take a darker turn after another random attack.  The lady from before tries to kill our heroine, theorizing that if she kills her, then the guy can't.  The doll...er, statue attacks again & kills her, saving our heroine in the process.  In a really trippy scene, we finally get the origin of the creatures...which consists of stock footage.  Don't worry- I'll get to that in its own segment.  The dolls attack again and our heroine inadvertently kills the only guy left, whom she has loved since...they met 30 hours ago.  We get a long, silly scene where a final ritual is done and all of the dead 'teens' are back as zombies.  They don't take it well, but the day is saved when the lead guy refuses to kill our heroine.  The dolls disappear, but the story is not really wrapped up.  You're just going to End though, aren't you?  I thought so.  The End.

Again with the dolls!  The plot of this movie is silly and very under-explained.  The dolls are evil spirits or something and locked away in the middle of nowhere.  Evidently, they retained enough power to set a ceremony in motion to free themselves though.  Good job keeping them contained, stock footage guys!  The acting here is pretty bad.  Not surprisingly, most of these people worked either very little after this or not at all!  The puppets are alright here, but they are about as transparent as they come.  It's sad to watch them try to move as if they are monsters or characters.  If you want to use puppets, just make them freaking puppets!  The film is pretty forgettable and doesn't try to stand out too much.  Mission accomplished!

Next up, a Full Moon film from the '80s that's all about boobs.  Say hello to my black censor boxes!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Spy Who Loved Me

James Bond has taken some rough hits.  The guy has been shot, stabbed and pumped full of S.T.D.s.  That's nothing compared to this travesty...

I....I've got nothing.  Seriously, WTF?!??

Next up, we need to cleanse our palette after this crap.  Let's check out an Asian poster that's awesome...but strange.  Stay tuned...
  

Moon Over Miami: The Vault (2000)

Full Moon is black with a vengeance.  Did I mean to say 'back?'  Nope.  After a decade or so of movies like Puppet Master and the like, the studio tried to branch out a bit and tap into the ethnic market.  That led to such films as Ragdoll (out-of-print in only 10 years) and this film- The Vault.  It's by a Director that I'm supposed to know (I don't) and features a concept that I'm supposed to like (I don't).  Basically, one of Full Moon's first 'black' films has a plot that involves slavery.  That speaks for itself, I think.  I think that I'll leave it that for now.  Let's see what is buried in...

A pre-Credits scene involves a random guy coming across a locked door- not really a vault, by the way- and being stopped by a Guard.  The guy kills him in order to keep the door sealed.  Years later, a guy is taking his...um, History, I guess, Class to a School Building before it is destroyed.  I'd love to see the permission slips to allow teenagers to go into an old, decrepit school building full of mold and asbestos that is set to be demolished!  This School is important because it once hid slaves from their owners.  Wow- just wow.  They treat the subject nicely enough, but the fact that it's being covered here is still just striking to me.  Oh yeah, the van driver with the yellow beard is the Director.  He's a minor character, but does give himself the first death of the film.  We also find that the Guard from earlier is still alive and looking the same.  There's a plot reason for this, but I'm almost embarrassed to explain it.  I mean, I will, but I won't like it.  In the meantime, our group of stock characters- Poor Guy, Nerdy Guy, Jock Guy and Bitch Girl- wander around.  Yea.

A mysterious spirit goes around and starts to kill people.  As I mentioned before, the Driver/Director is first.  Being killed by the spirit causes his face to awkwardly be Photoshopped onto a mural on the wall.  Other spirits call out for help, but don't actually want people to see it.  Yeah, that's confusing.  In 'random back-story that only matters for later plot convenience,' the teacher lost his wife in a car accident a year ago and is sad.  This matters when he gets split up from the guard and the students & is visited by his ghost wife.  The sad scene just kind of abruptly ends and his face shows up on the wall, so I guess he died.  Speaking of death, the group tries to find a way out of the building once they realize that a ghost is out to get them.  What kind of ghost?  Why the ghost of an evil, former slave, of course!  They try to go out a window, but a piece of glass falls and cuts the side of Nerd Guy's head off.  Never mind the physics of that, but notice how the glass is clearly beginning to fall at an angle before they cut away!  With only a couple people left, the movie needs to pace itself or be out of characters within a couple minutes.

The two surviving 'teens' go to the roof, but are attacked by...um, tar from the roof.  They don't explain how a slave ghost is doing that in any way, shape or form.  They just go back downstairs and get chased some more.  They have a final confrontation with the spirit where the guard ends up being stabbed.  However, his death is not exactly simple.  You see, the guy has been a vessel for the slaves that were killed as part of the voodoo ritual.  Sure- why not?!?  They manage to get the spirit back into the 'vault' and the day is saved.  Well, except for all of those people that were killed...and assuming that nobody else opens up the door again in the future.  The End.

Now you're making ethnic audiences bored too!  The plot of this film is pretty damn stupid.  I mean, was someone asking for a film about an evil, slave ghost?  I certainly wasn't!  Apparently Ragdoll is just Puppet Master/Child's Play...but with more black actors in it.  This film, however, was made for...um, who was it made for again?  It's dumb, silly and pretty pointless.  You get a cast of about seven people, a tale of an evil ghost and random death.  Big whoop!  There's nothing all that interesting in the film.  It's just so utterly stock that I don't have much to say about.  If you want the usual, low-budget experience of Fulll Moon, look elsewhere.  This is to Full Moon what The Stendhaal Syndrome is to Troma.

Next up, a group of people end up at a cabin in the woods.  This isn't going to be Evil Dead II is it?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Crimson

It's only fitting that this segment feature more Paul Naschy, given that his films were imported to America for years under 1,000 different titles.  There's an obvious reason why I've put off the import version of this French film though...

On the bright side, Dr. Herbert West there is in the background to re-animate your head.  You wanted bat wings put on it, right?

P.S. I think it's not too creepy to see this now, right?  I mean, it's been a while since I died and all.

Next up, a movie about a genie, implied nudity and Christopher Lambert.  Wait- what?!?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Lucio Fulci's The Maniacs

Lucio Fulci- the Godfather of Gore.  He's famous for his numerous films about people dying in really bloody and disgusting ways.  The movies contain moments like a woman vomiting her organs up, a man being ripped in half and even a man getting a drill press through his ear.  So it's no surprise that today's film is one of his most bloody and disgusting.  That film- 1964's The Maniacs.  It's a series of vignettes about death, murder and mayhem.  Put up your guard as we meet up with...

As I said, the film is a series of bloody, violent vignettes.  For example, one man is driving down the road (see 1991's Door Into Silence).  When the person behind him won't stop tailgating him, he starts yelling at him.

 A few minutes later, we see that the driver is...a plane.  He was driving on the runway, huh?

In another vignette, a pair of soldiers are discussing how their fellow men have been captured by the Americans.  I bet they're being tortured or something.

 Oh wait, the men realize that if they are captured, they will get better food and treatment.  They run off to be captured as the segment ends.  Odd...and terrifying in a certain way.  Do I need to go on?

Where is my blood?  The plot of this movie...well, there is no plot.  It's a series of skits that all have the same set-up, execution and punch-line.  We get a premise, it plays out for a bit and it twists in a certain way that you should not expect.  For example, a pair of women (one of whom is Barbara Steele) think that their husbands are having an affair.  They go through their records and find a named 'Italia.'  They follow the men and discover that Italia is...the name of their soccer team.  Shocking!  The film is pretty much 90 minutes of this.  If you're looking for blood, don't bother.  This black-and-white comedy has none.  It's Rare though.

Seriously though, this is one of TWO slapstick comedies by Fulci.  I'll save the other one for another day.

By the way, April Fools.