Lost in Translation: Airport '70

Airports- we all love to be in them.  Airport disasters- we all love to see films about them.  Well, we did for about a ten year period anyways.  Here's the foreign poster to the original...

Death, I wouldn't have gone with that new tattoo.  It just makes you look desperate.

Where is the plane, by the way?

Next up, a famous drama about seeing life from afar comes to foreign shores.  The result: a fancy-looking poster that means nothing.  Stay tuned...

Import/Export: Forbidden City Cop

If the city was so forbidden, how did so many people get in?!?  Stephen Chow is an interesting case of getting famous fairly-late in your career.  Much like Jackie Chan, Jet Li or Sammo-Hung before him, Chow made a whole slew of films in his native land before his cartoony-action/comedy Kung Fu Hustle became a hit in the states.  It was his Rumble in the Bronx, basically.  Fans of his earlier films were not surprised by this movie, but we in the States sure were!  Who was this crazy man who made a martial arts film with a Bug Bunny sensibility to it?  However, like I said, it's easy to see it when you look at his early stuff.  When I first joined Netflix in July 2005- after I got a job, basically- I was drawn in by the chance to weird foreign films and the like.  This would be one of them and it's a great example why the service is handy.  Where's my residual money, Netflix?  Seriously though, this is a weird and quirky film.  In it, Chow plays a man who prefers gadgets over martial-arts, making him stick out like a sore thumb in this Wuxia era.  I suspect that his quirkiness will come in handy later and may even save the day.  Let's find out, shall we?  Get out your cart license as we get stopped by the...

The film sets the tone early on with an introductory scene involving some stock Wuxia characters meeting on a roof to 'duel like true warriors.'  Chow shows up with an anachronistic-looking flashlight of sorts to break up the fight.  Why?  Because they might mess up the tile on the roofs.  The men scoff at him and leap away, disappearing in true 'super Chinese hero' fashion.  He, naturally, slips off the roof.  This leads into a silly James Bond-style intro, complete with shadows and women (see above).  One of them even gets offended at Chow's silhouette, so he crushes her like a bug.  In the actual film, the Emperor of the titular city calls in his four Elite Guards.  They each show off their kung-fu skills, complete with back-flipping, sword-fighting and all of the appropriate flexing.  Chow is last and tumbles with all the grace of, well, me.  He shows off his devices- including a fan blade and a gun prototype- but none of them work quite right.  Through some clunky exposition, we learn that he's in the Guard because of his family name/history.  Thankfully, his wife appreciates him.  This is especially true after he puts a rat-powered motor in their bed that thrusts his hips for him.  No, really.  Trouble looms, however, as some evil plans to strike at the Emperor!

The Emperor goes out on a jaunt in the woods, accompanied by all of his best men.  Translation: Chow is stuck at home.  It's okay, because he's out shopping in the Market with his lady.  In the woods, the men are attacked by the henchmen of the film's no-face villain.  In a weird bit of dark humor, the movie cuts away just at the moment where the heroes are about to die- i.e. by decapitation- and cut to something 'ironic'- i.e. a man cutting open a watermelon.  If you're looking for a tone, it's...a bit random.  Later that night, Chow is invited to an event for all of the doctors in the area.  By the way, Chow was given the job as an OBGYN as pity- ha ha.  When the men look gather, they are treated to a medical marvel- an alien body ready for autopsy!  Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming!  While the men stare in wonder, villains are slowly-killing them all.  Again- random tone.  After a lot of teasing, Chow stops before the scalpel comes down, which is good because the 'alien' was actually the Emperor in a suit.  That's a very obtuse plan, huh?  You could have killed him, but you drugged him and put him in a suit, so that doctors would do an autopsy on him- killing him- and then they would kill the doctors?  Huh?!?  In a serious of comedy bits, Chow uses his inventions- which he took with him for no clear reason- to save the day.  His next job: find the Emperor some hot tail!

The movie really feels like two screenplays put together at this point, but that doesn't necessarily make it bad.  Chow romances a hot prostitute under the pretense of getting her for the Emperor, since his giant harem is full of 'ugly women.'  More wacky comedy ensues, but something serious does too.  Chow turns on his wife and leaves her for the women in a very dramatic scene.  His plot is revealed to the Emperor, who is not pleased.  However, this is all a ruse to catch the woman.  Why?  It's simple: she's the no-face villain in disguise!  Dun dun obvious!  Our heroes revel in their victory, even stopping the narrative dead to give out awards for acting in the dinner scene.  No, really.  Chow is upset when he doesn't win Best Actor, but the father-in-law does.  The humor is broken up, however, as the villain breaks free for one big fight.  Chow's box of tools is blown up via kung-fu power, so it's time for Plan B.  The villain shows off his ability to redirect energy through his punches before Chow's transvestite brother shows up.  Are you surprised by this point?  The guy/girl wraps the villains in chains as part of a plan to have lightning strike him.  It doesn't work, however, as it just ends in Chow being zapped.  The lightning doesn't kill him, but instead redirects his Chi to make him a super-fighter, allowing him to kill the villain and save the day.  The End.

Long live the Emperor...'s guard.  The plot of this movie is silly and a bit bipolar.  Like I said before, it does feel like two screenplays got mixed together at times.  Ultimately, the film does come together, but it's just weird.  The mix of humor and the dark stuff is certainly odd too.  I liked the final product, even if it is freaky and random.  I love the quirky bits and it all feels pretty real.  Mind you, a lot of it is certainly goofy as hell!  It all fits into the reality of the film though.  Of course, the bit where they stop to give each other acting awards is just kind of random...and awesome.  You certainly have to be in the right frame of mind for the film though, as it is not going to be for everyone.  If you like the silly stuff mixed with some randomly-dark stuff, you'll love this movie.  Unlike a lot of foreign comedies, the humor is broad enough to cross cultural bounds.  Plus, Chow is funny and irreverent.  It's rare that I say this: this movie does not suck.

Up next, Instant Trash returns with an '80s film about samurais and cops.  On the plus side, it's star has since become an ironic, internet celebrity.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Holocaust 2000

Did you miss the horrific event that ended mankind?  Apparently, I did.  Let's take a look at what we missed...

Kirk- you should know better!  Plus, how does the glass dome protect you from impending doom...in the future?

Next up, if you love sex and you love violence, where can you turn?  How about a Best of collection?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Enter...Zombie King

Just because you've never heard of a movie, it doesn't mean that it's good!  This 2003 film is quite obscure to most people.  How obscure?  Despite only coming out about seven years ago, the film is out-of-print on Netflix.  Mind you, some famous movies like Tron are like that too, but the point is still the same.  So what is the movie about?  It's a zombie comedy starring fake luchadors that...wait, where are you going?  Seriously, this movie is weird.  The problem- it knows it.  Alternately-known as Zombie Beach Party, the movie thinks that it's hysterical.  Is it?  Read the last couple of sentences and then ask that question again!  Even so, I'm a sucker for kitsch, so maybe this one can be endured.  Right?  Right?  Get out your Tequila as we prepare to...

The film begins with a Luchador driving a car in the blue of night.  He's also narrating.  Yeah, it's going to be one of those movies- at least for a bit.  Our hero is a masked wrestler named Ulysses who is retired from the sport.  However, a friend of his is involved in a new stunt: wrestling zombies.  That's probably not even legal in Tijuana!  Incidentally, I should point out that this Luchador- as well as the rest- are not supposed to be Mexican.  Yes, they're American Luchadors like Mr. JL and...that's about it.  They're Canadian, by the way.  In the actual plot, some people get killed by zombies.  It's all very by-the-books, even having the zombies pick up random 'body parts' and hold them near the camera.  Yawn.  He meets up with two pals- also Luchadors- and they go to the show.  There's also a sub-plot about people always going to the beach, despite it being winter, but it's so pointless that it's not worth any more mention.  They go to the show and enjoy it.  Unfortunately, one of the two kind-of-hot women in the movie gets killed by a zombie attack outside.  This leads to the arrival of the Sheriff, played by former-WWF Tag Team Champion Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.  Why?

Ulysses calls up an old friend named Mr. X and he joins them in looking into the mystery.  They first suspect the guy with the trained zombie wrestlers.  After catching one, however, Mr. X hypnotizes it and learns that it's docile.  So that whole set-up with the zombies and him served what purpose?  Oh right- to fill up time.  Considering that the movie ends up at about 76 minutes, that's a necessary evil, I suppose.  They follow a zombie out into the woods and it leads to the lair of the bad guy- the Zombie King.  Apparently, they almost got George A. Romero for this part, but plans didn't work out.  On the plus side, that helped delay Romero's decent into crappy movies until Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead.  Speaking of the villain, he has a lair in a small sound stage covered in red drapes.  He also has women chained up to the wall as part of his experiments to get half-human/half-zombies.  This sub-plot also amounts to nothing, so we'll skip that too.  The Deputy is killed and our heroes are captured.  Ready for the big fight section?

The villain reveals his evil plan and, once he's done, a big fight breaks out.  Wow- I'm shocked.  If you want to see Luchador action, look elsewhere.  If you want to see awkward fight choreography involving barely-athletic Canadians, you're in luck.  We get the action mixed up too, as it jumps between an outdoor fight, a chase and some indoor fighting.  Eventually, the outdoor fight ends- via a back body drop into a lake-only for the film to split up the fight scenes again!  Ulysses chases the Zombie King for a bit, while the formerly-captive lady Luchador fights the evil lady Luchador.  The latter fight ends via...a body slam onto the grass.  I'm severely-underwhelmed guys.  Even Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter tried harder!  Ulysses battles the Zombie King back in the ring from earlier and...gets his ass-kicked.  Wow- I didn't see that coming.  The lady Luchador shows up and takes him out Lita-style with a Flying Headscissors.  This apparently breaks his neck- ironically, Lita broke her neck doing this move once- and allows his head to be pulled off.  After that, the movie peters off and just kind of ends.

Raise your hand if you're laughing.  The plot of this movie is stupid to the point of absurdity.  Unfortunately, it's not that funny kind of absurdity.  This is one of those 'we're being wacky, so you'd better laugh' movies.  I didn't.  Those movies almost never work, but people always think that their film will be different.  It's not.  I laughed a bit at Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, but that's about it.  That is the most comparable film to this, even more so than the Lucha Film genre itself.  The difference: those films were cheesy, but 100% serious.  If this film had tried that route, it might have been more successful.  Just a note for all you aspiring filmmakers out there: if your premise is silly, we'll probably laugh.  If you try to force us to laugh, we probably won't.  It is your insistence that kills the mood.  You're that lady who asks people at a party if they think she is hot.  If we thought that, we'd tell you!  Just give us some damn space already!  So yeah, this movie might get some laughs out of you, but it barely got any out of me.  At least it's rare and out-of-print (unless you know some devious ways, like I do), so it will probably hurt very few people.

Next up, a Chinese flick starring some guy named Stephen Chow.  This is before he did the Hustle or played Soccer, so let's see how it turns out.  Stay tuned...

Instant Trash: Deadfall (1993)

Hi-#%*!ing-ya!  That's how I was introduced to this movie's existence for the very first time.  Thank you, YouTube and a Follower of the site!  So what brought about that kind of exclamation?  Well, it all starts with an acting family that doesn't have the best record.  The Coppolas are all spawned from the same seed that brought us Francis Ford Coppola.  Sadly, most of them did not get the same amount of talent (Bram Stoker's Dracula aside).  Everyone knows Sofia Coppola and her epic performance in The Godfather III, but very few remember Chris Coppola.  He's the man behind this movie and, since he's related by blood, Nicolas (Coppola) Cage is here too!  After over fifteen years in obscurity, the movie is suddenly getting a lot of viral attention.  Why?  A video highlighting Cage's over-the-top performance as a drugged-out conman.  The scenes are the high points of a video called Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit- a video that Cage has actually seen.  He's a fan.  Now that everyone knows the moments, let's see if the movie is worth the attention.  Get out your parachute as we go for a...

No, it's not.  It's pretentious, monotonous and stupid.  Of course, there are those Nicolas Cage moments though...

Cage plays a con man who works for a big-time guy (James Coburn).  He's set up to work with our hero (Michael Biehn) who is doing so in the wake of a personal tragedy.  The key thing to know is that Cage's chacter does a lot of blow.

Oh yeah, he drinks a lot too.  That's pretty obvious, huh?  He has crazy quirks and is prone to outbursts.  He's the best part of this movie, bar none.  I suppose it's nice to see random cameos by people like Coburn and Talia Shire, but a drugged out Cage is always center stage.  The best moment- a rant in a strip club where he beats up a random guy and yells 'Hi-$%^!ing-ya!'  Why?  Just because, dammit.

It certainly would help to be a little 'enhanced' while watching this movie.  The plot is alright, but it is presented in a really pretentious way.  The narration is forced and nothing is all that creative.  If you didn't reinvent the wheel, why act like you did?  Without Cage, this movie would be just another generic crime movie.  Even with Cage, it's a generic crime movie with one crazy guy in it.  A bunch of people make appearances here, but I think that it's just due to the family connection.  Did Chris promise you that Francis would cast you in another movie?  After all, this was a year after Bram Stoker's Dracula- I'm just saying!  So is the movie worth the attention that it is getting now due to the YouTube video.  No.  It's just not that interesting when anyone but Cage is on screen.  Look at the bright side though- they all got paid.  That's enough for you, right Mr. Coburn?

Next up, a movie with zombies and Mexican wrestlers...but not George A. Romero.  Well, you win some and you lose some.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Cyborg 3

What happens when you lose your lead actor?  In the case of Cyborg 3- or Cyborg Cubed- they decided to jump ahead a couple decades, completely change everything and recast.  In addition, the new lead is older- which is odd when you consider that she's a cyborg!  I guess we're supposed to assume that she's just nice to her boyfriend and ages herself up once in a while.  For those who may not know the back-story, here it is.  Cyborg was a film starring Jean Claude Van-Damme which started it's life as a potential sequel to Masters of the Universe, but became something else.  Cyborg 2 is a generic action movie famous for starring a barely-legal (or not actually legal, if you believe her reported age) Angelina Jolie.  Sadly, her young self and pouting lips won't be seen here.  Instead we get Khrystyne Haje, a woman whose only other film I know is Scanner Cop 2.  Other people to keep an eye out for are Andrew Brianarski, years before he would play either Leatherface or the world's beefiest Dracula, and William Katt, doing his best to seem like Simon Pegg- even though this movie was made in 1995.  Oh yeah, Zach Galligan is here too- sorry, buddy.  Is the third time the charm or...you probably know that it's not, don't you?  Get out your spare parts as we got to visit...

The movie begins with a bit of narration.  Basically, the 'Golden Age' of interaction between Cyborgs and Humans is over with.  Question- when did that happen?  The second film was not exactly cheery, so what gives?  All of this is to set up the idea that humans go around hunting cyborgs, since their parts are worth a lot of money.  I could delve into the idea that every cyborg is being hunted for parts, then the value of them diminishes dramatically, but whatever.  The two 'recyclers' that we see are Llewyn and his cyborg enforcer, played by Richard Lynch and Andrew Brianarski, respectively.  After they catch the cyborg, he offers to lead them to Cytown, but they decide to end him all the same.  Lynch calls up Lord Talon (Malcolm McDowell) and offers to sell him the parts.  The guy is wary of this, but agrees to meet with him.  In what feels like a separate film altogether, Cash (not Jolie anymore) goes to a cyborg specialist to learn why her power core is not working right.  The reason why: she's pregnant!  Her co-star from Cyborg 2- he's dead...just dead.  Back in the other plot, Lord Talon meets up with Llewyn, but tries to kill him for sending him an exploding robot on the last job.  Llewyn uses his future-Tazer to zap Talon, apparently killing him.  Say good-bye to McDowell- you're better off.  The pair happen to see Cash leaving, but she escapes.  They find out from the doctor that Cash is pregnant and pursue her, deciding that she is worth a lot of money.

Our heroine goes out to find a mysterious scientist (Galligan) who can get rid of the baby.  Yes, our heroine wants an abortion- of sorts- to keep her strong.  Yeah, you're kind of a bitch.  When she explains things to him, he won't help her.  So, naturally, he leaves her alone with his machines.  This leads to her activating her Abortion Program, which...wait, did I just write that?  The film has officially jumped the shark and we're not even half an hour into this thing!  Anyhow, Galligan stops the program by basically blowing out the building's circuit breakers.  This slows down Llewyn and his comrade on their search, but they still find the place.  Wow, that sure was a pointless plot point, huh?  Galligan detects their arrival, leading to our heroine firing at the bad guy's armored truck with a mounted machine gun!  Why does Galligan have that again?  They end up fleeing, however, and make it to a point in the desert where their car stalls.  Galligan tells her to flee with him, which is good, since the car blows up a second later.  He explains that Cytown has a force-field that kills electronics.  So why does the car blow up?  Look for this effect later...only different.  Cytown turns out to be a place full of damaged or broken cyborgs.  Hello, William Katt- you almost make this interesting.

After fixing Katt's stutter, Galligan is allowed to stay.  Llewyn musters up a force to capture Cytown, since all of it's residents are not 'owned' by anyone else.  The forcefield is found by some bikers in his employ when their bikes stop...but don't blow up.  Ugh.  He sends his goon in, since he's a cyborg, and the 'guy' breaks the forcefield- also stopping to steal the baby in it's containment jar.  While the cyborgs plot to get it back, Cash goes right to Llewyn's vehicle- how does she know where it is?- and tries to save the baby- since she cares now- but gets caught.  While Llewyn is away, we learn that the enforcer has a back-story and that Brianarski should never be required to emote on film!  All of this is to set up a 'face turn' later, which is handled as badly as you might think.  Galligan fixes up the cyborgs, even giving the guy with no hands an upgrade- guns for hands!  Thankfully cyborgs don't get itches!  So the big battle is on: cyborgs and the guy from Waxwork vs. a bunch of Mad Max rejects and Llewyn.  It's decent, but features no Galligan and lots of silly stunts- still the high point.  Llewyn grabs the baby's container again and holds the others at bay.  One cyborg jumps in to help, but gets shot by the enforcer.  Seconds later, he says that he's a good guy!  What did I tell you earlier?  Cash plays 'Chicken' with Llewyn and kills him, later revealing that he had a phony.  All is well again apparently- The End.

Recycling is not always a good thing!  The plot of this movie is awkward and confusing.  We get a sub-plot and a good actor's cameo all to set-up Lynch finding out about a cyborg baby.  There wasn't a less obtuse way to do that- plus one that didn't waste the best actor?  Fun side note: McDowell is almost literally playing his Tank Girl character (which would come 2 years later)- complete with suit and cyborg hand!  Aside from the silly nature of the set-up, the movie suffers from the fact that they just made shit up.  When was the golden age of cyborg/human relations?  When did cyborg physiology allow for conception?  If the guy got her pregnant, how old was he?  The movie makes a point of setting up a time-jump here, so what's the answer?  Was he in his '80s and still 'had it?'  Why did the cyborg age up?  What was the point of a super-tiny sub-plot about Llewyn and his eye-enhancement?  Why did the enforcer turn good guy after killing someone?  Did the movie need a cyborg version of Duncan McLeod- who was so important that he didn't get mentioned?  All of these questions will plague you over the 80 minutes or so of this movie.  Aside from all of that, it has a goofy charm and some actors are good in it.  Lynch is always bearable- even in stuff like Trancers 2 or Scanner Cop- and Katt is a fun distraction.  The odds are that you haven't seen it, so why not watch it for free on Netflix at least?

Next up, I try to exploit a recent internet meme.  Will it be a joyous occasion or will it make me shot profanity for one big burst?  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Bone Sickness

It's rare that I can direct so much towards someone that I barely know.  Guess what- that time has come!  Zach at Z for Zombies- you're going to get it.  Thanks to him, I watched today's movie- Bone Sickness.  Wow, did it hurt!  If you like zombie films without a real plot or any coherence, you're in luck!  Like nearly all of my Project Terrible films, the movie has almost no budget.  It tries to make up for this by putting lots of fake-looking gore on the screen.  It's kind of a like a kid yelling at you in another room to distract you from finding the mess they made in a different room.  It doesn't work for little Billy and it doesn't work for this movie.  Let's just get this turkey over and done with.  Don't go to your Witch Doctor when you have a case of...

The movie is about zombies, so we get them!  Context- not so much.  The actual film begins with a doctor, who looks like the cousin of TV's Frank.  He's apparently doing some other work on the side that's a bit nefarious.  Speaking of which, zombies kill a guy in a graveyard.  A policeman investigates this, but it goes about as well as the police sub-plot in Knight Chills.  This one at least gets a little resolution.  Enough about that, let's watch 'Not Frank' pull a McRib out of a guy's torso...

 The over-arching plot involves a sick guy being taken care of by his girlfriend.  What's he got?  The movie is kind of vague, but it's definitely not good.  The girlfriend has been talking to 'Not Frank' and he's got a cure.  Well, it's not so much a cure as it is a placebo.  It results in the guy vomiting up worms...and then eating them, so maybe it's not that great.  Hey look- the worst zombie this side of Return of the Living Dead, Part II!

One thing this movie loves more than zombies- boobs.  There are a number of pointless, T&A shots here.  Some involve the girlfriend, while others involve women who are ancillary to the plot.  I should put up some shots of that to get more hits, but...more zombies.

Since the plot is so dull and scatter-shot, I'd rather focus on the most inept woman I've ever seen in a zombie film.  She puts on a bikini- in front of the camera- and goes out for a swim...at 2 in the morning.  A zombie somehow gets in her pool and surprises her.  She swims two feet to the edge of the pool and jumps about 3 feet to the nearby ground...

This tiny drop causes her severe pain and stops her in her tracks.  Sid Vicious could make that jump unharmed.  Hell, Mr. Glass could do it.  On top of just hurting her, it...

Shatters her leg.  Seriously?  Did you get Boneitis all of a sudden?  What the hell?!?  That's a stupid reason to have your slow-ass zombies catch someone, guys!

At this point, I had pretty much given up all hope of this movie being redeemable.  Here's what I picked up while skimming for anything interesting.  Our lead actor eventually turned into a full zombie.  Why?  The doctor guy was cutting up corpses and feeding the flesh to him, since that apparently was curing his cancer.  I could see how that would work, given that zombification usually kills all of your organs!

 A bunch of zombies rise up and wander around the town.  One poor SWAT guy is left to take them down, since the detective and his acne scars meets a bloody end at the hands of our now-zombie hero.  All hope is lost, I guess.  I was, of course, talking about the hope of this movie being redeemable.

On the plus side, we get a random scene where the girlfriend stumbles across 'Not Frank' with a naked lady's body in the basement.  How did the police not catch you again?  Sadly, I still don't care.  The End.

Better anything than being in this movie!  The plot is...stupid.  That's a good word for it, I think.  Zombies rise from their graves because a fat guy with oddly-long hair is digging up corpses as part of his cure for cancer.  I feel dumber just by virtue of writing that sentence!  The film is just...it hurts.  The acting is terrible, the direction is lazy and none of it feels worthwhile.  It's amazing that Project Terrible brings me so much trouble and turmoil, considering that it was my idea in the first place!  I haven't felt pain like this since Hobgoblins 2 or maybe Please, Don't Eat My Mother.  Ultimately though, those movie have something that makes them memorable- the weirdly ret-con plot of Hobgoblins 2 and the forced inclusion of porn in Mother- while this one does not.  It has a shit-ton of fake-looking gore though.  Kudos for trying to make that stuff look good, but maybe you should try to make a good movie first.  I wouldn't be mad at Lawrence of Arabia if they re-used extras or something.  Not everybody that can make gore effects can be a film director- nor should they.

Up next, Rare Flix is back without Angelina Jolie.  In her place, a redhead, the guy from Waxwork and the guy from House as a stuttering robot.  Stay tuned...

Handi-Crap: The Alien Conspiracy- Grey Skies

Seriously- why do I torture myself?  I decided to stop ignoring the film that has been sitting in my Queue for several months now.  Someone who knows someone I know was telling me about Tim Ritter- of Truth or Dare? fame- and I added a bunch of the films that he's in/directed.  Amongst all of that is The Alien Conspiracy trilogy.  Considering how bad this one is, I'm very wary of watching two more films in this *series.*  Of course, you all know that I will anyways.  I think all of these bad movies have given me Stockholm Syndrome or something!  So what is this grand series about?  Well, two tribes/groups of warring aliens fight for control over the Earth.  One of them wants to make us slaves, while the other just wants to kill us and be done with it.  In other words- we're royally-screwed regardless of who wins!  The movie makes a point of telling you all of this...only for it to matter very little.  I could have just told you that I was watching the continued adventures of Munchie and it would make just as much sense!  The important thing: all of the films are shot on handi-cam and feature budgets that rival that of Zombie Campout.  One difference- this is an anthology series, albeit one with no real Framing Device.  While I'd still rather be anally-probed, let's delve into the mystery of...

After some stock footage of random things- that can be (and probably was) bought cheaply- we get a bearded man explaining the gist of what I wrote above.  After that, we get a title card- 'Interviews.'

***

Oh, this is the story of a man interviewing people that have seen aliens and/or been abducted by them, right?  Nope.  It's the "comedic" tale of a man seeking a job interview.  The wacky problem: all of the potential Hiring Managers are aliens.  Some talk to an unseen figure via an ear piece, while others drip water out of their elbows.  No, really.  This goes on for about ten minutes or so- including a bit where the guy sings a song to a stapler as part of his interview- before ending with him meeting up with a human man.  He explains that he's part of the Resistance and that they'll hire him, due to his previous job working for the aliens.  That's it- it just stops abruptly.

Our second tale is called 'Abduction.'  This should be more interesting and less stupid.  Unfortunately, it's only the latter and not the former.  A guy drives around and then stops.  He walks around and drives some more.  He goes home and sees nobody in his small town.  Someone got a permit to shoot at 5 AM, I see.  The film abruptly jumps to him walking through the woods when an alien shows up.  Yes, it's over half an hour into this 70 minute film before a real alien shows up!  It's just a guy in a mask and gloves, so don't get your hopes up.  Oh yeah, that was also a dream.  He gets a call explaining that his parents- and the town- left in a hurry, so he goes outside and disappears via a cheap editing trick.  Again- it just sort of stops.

Our last tale- whose title I forget- begins with two talking heads...that are aliens.  Through subtitles, we see them decide to scan a man's mind to learn what we fear.  The man- a reporter- has a long dream where he interviews Death for a talk-show.  I'm not making this up- it happens!

Death is a guy in a cheap mask, which the film actually makes a joke/cover for.  You're still not funny.  Death's hijinks involve explaining how many fingers he touches you with relates to the severity of your death, arguing with recent victims and nearly destroying the Universe itself when he decides to oggle a woman in a shower instead of just killing her.  We get more 'comedy' that amounts to nothing.  We're almost to the proper runtime, so let's just pack more in!  Ultimately, the reporter dies in his dream and then dies in real life, leading the aliens to talk about this human weakness.  The End.

Take me away, alien overlords!  This movie- or series of skits- hurts my soul!  The first story is a bunch of pointless, unfunny comedy.  The second store is a meandering mess- immediately making it the best part.  The third story is...weird and unnecessary.  Just admit it, guys- you couldn't think of a third story, so you built a silly way to book-end your story about a guy talking with Death.  If Death took a vacation, he would not visit you!  I usually try to find a way to defend the movie in at least one regard.  Unfortunately, I can think of nothing!  The writing is bad, the acting is bad and the whole thing just feels cheap.  Mind you, it is, but it shouldn't feel that way.  The defining moment comes during 'Abduction' where we see our first- and only- glimpse of a UFO.  It's a decent, but cheap, effect until they pan for just a second too long.  In that moment, they reveal that the UFO is just a picture of one dragged slowly past the camera.  Ouch.  If you want a laugh, check out the picture below.  If you want to suffer, actually watch the movie.

Next up, Project Terrible strikes again with a movie submitted by the man behind Z for Zombies.  It's so terrible that it makes me sick...all the way down to my bones!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Question: Why is there always a robot in 'Alien' films?

This is a new segment that may or may not take off.  Basically, I'm looking for feedback on this question.  Hit me back, please.

So, as the title asks, why is there always a robot in Alien films?  This is even in the rip-offs too.  Let's just take a look...

Alien- a key plot-point involves 'Bilbo' being revealed as a robot.
Aliens- 'Frank Black' is cut open to reveal his robot parts (and lots of milk)
Alien 3- There's no new one, but 'Black' is around again- just because they wanted Lance for his other role, I guess.
Alien Resurrection- 'Girl Interrupted' is a robot- just because.
Unknown Origin- This rip-off features Roddy McDowall's assistant as a robot.
Plaguers- This recent rip-off (with some extra stuff) features 'Charles Manson' as a robot.

So....why?  Why?  Is there a reason?

Project Terrible: Slices (2009)

Why make one shitty movie, when you can make five?  The people behind the anthology film Slices seemed to think that way.  This Terrible movie is not exactly a hit with anyone, but it is on Instant Viewing via Netflix.  It's also good to know that a piece of shit movie is just a few clicks away!  So what is the film about?  Basically, a guy is up all night (not be confused with the USA Network block) and watches a crappy late-night show.  The host is the most cliche guy ever.  On the plus side, this sets your expectations to the appropriate level for the film to come.  If you think that you have the guts, sit down and have a couple of...

After a quick set-up of the framing device, we get the host explaining the gist of the premise for the first tale.  Immediately following that, we get some text explaining it in even more detail.  We get it!  Basically, there's a company that keeps the U.S. population at exactly 300 million people.  I don't have the math to back this up, but I would think that you would need to kill hundreds of people a day- at least!  The boss goes down to a staffer and bitches about how he doesn't have his list of people to be killed today.  Later, he goes home, only to be attacked and kidnapped.  An unseen man shaves his head- to keep him from transmitting to his alien people?- and tortures him.  This goes on for a very long time- actually only a few minutes or so- until the man reveals himself as one of the Exterminators that keep the population down.  He explains that the man has no worth and kills him.  That's it.

Not in this movie

The next story is a bit stronger in theory, but about the same when it comes to execution.  A sad, old man mourns the loss of his wife...two years later.  He was once a famous author, but refuses to write anymore.  However, he discovers a way to make his written words into reality.  The film randomly turns into claymation for about three seconds at a time and back again, with nary an explanation given.  Eventually, he invites his agent over for dinner and shows that he can reanimate his wife...or can he?  The movie can't decide, so I won't either.  In the end, he reveals that his wife and agent had an affair, so he punches the agent out, causing him to fall into the pool.  Resolution?  No?  Alright then.

Not in this movie

The third film is another confusing yarn.  Only this time, it's about a vampire.  The pacing is so haphazard that I can barely muster any interest.  A woman shows up in the house occupied by two couples and starts killing them.  An old man shows up, reveals himself to be the lead guy's father and shoots the vampire- who is also his daughter.  This one also just stops as we see the guy out in the field, now a vampire.  Yeah, you could have stopped her from biting him, but you were too busy...not doing that, I guess.

Not in this movie either

Our fourth tale involves cowboys, zombies and a lot of ancillary actors.  About 30 different people appear in a number of random filler moments until zombies show up.  These people only exist to serve as food and, subsequently, more zombies.  The remaining people shoot the zombies...but one of them isn't dead.  That's all the closure we get here.

Not even this

Our final tale is foreshadowed of one about love gone dark.  Of course, that is a total lie.  Basically, a guy and his girlfriend go out to the woods with their shared friend.  Oh no- Zombie Campout flashbacks!  This time, the couple split away from the girl & get captured by a weird, old man.  Who is he?  They never say.  He makes the pretense of having them choose who will live and who will die...but he just kills them both.  The lack of shots of them after the slashing is a great sign of the minuscule budget.  The third girl battles the man and kills him.

The framing device ends with a killer showing up at the house of the guy watching the horror show.  That was pointless- thank you.  The End.

Nope- not here either

This is not a Slice of Heaven!  The plot(s) of this movie(s) are not good.  Most of them are either generic or convoluted.  As a bonus, some are both!  When you think of horror anthologies, you think of monsters, frights and surprises.  Instead, we get torture, a dumb vampire and an Indian zombie.  None of these are good.  It would almost be one thing if a single segment was decent- not happening.  Hell, I could almost recommend it if the Framing Device was good- wrong again.  There are no redeeming qualities here.  The only good thing I can say is that I didn't waste an actual rental with this one.  Hey, remember when I promised to make you suffer after Zombie Campout, Carl?  Consider it doubled.  To quote a famous song, 'You're going to hurt like I hurt.'  Deep-hurting.  De-ep hur-ting.

Not even close

Next up, a film about aliens is sure to delight.  Unfortunately, this film has no actual plot and a budget that couldn't cover the cost of a foot-long sub!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Blue Thunder

The plot is simple- man in helicopter vs. bad guys.  That was too complicated for some Foreign movie poster makers, however, leading to this...

Is that a helicopter or a giant bird?  What about the words 'Blue' and 'Thunder' just said 'Toucan' to them?  Geez!

Next up, a classic disaster film gets morphed into something freaky.  Would you believe that it involves vinyl and zero planes?  Stay tuned...