Import Flix: Houseboat Horror (1989)

 A place where water flows backwards in toilets is maybe not the best place for Cinema.  This is Houseboat Horror, a 1989 Slasher Film that checks all of the cliché boxes.  I'll get into them later- don't worry.  This was a random, blind buy from the same Thrift Store as G-Men From Hell.  I wonder if it is worth going back to that place to find something new?  The Film has a ringing, but confusing, endorsement from Quentin Tarantino.  Everyone references this- since it is on the DVD Box- but I can't find the actual, full quote anywhere.  I wonder if he changed his mind?  Is there a second Film called Houseboat Horror that I'm not aware of?  The Plot is, well, really dumb and generic.  Even factoring that this Film was made in 1989, it is so stock that it should say 'Alamy' all over it.  Internet Zing!  It was apparently a bit of a mess to make too, as the original Director (and the credited one) was fired after 3 days  It also turns out that most of them weren't paid.  The Producer gives the excuse of them 'turning down pay for money on the back end.'  The Film was Direct-to-Video and didn't make a profit.  At least that is an honest appraisal, as opposed to the makers of Forrest Gump denying the Author of the Book his back-end profit saying that the Film (which grossed around $600 million) was 'still in the red.'  To be fair, the comparison here is more to Manos: The Hands of Fate- for all of the right and wrong reasons.  This is often called 'the worst Australian Film ever made.'  Does Young Einstein count?  To find out if this is warranted or not, read on...

A random couple is killed.  Well, actually, a random guy is killed, a woman sees it and then she is killed.

We have to draw out this Opening Kill Cliché to get this Film to 90 minutes (or is it less in metric?)

After more filler (basically just going 'Here is everyone.  I hope you remember all 42 Characters!'), we get the main Plot.

A Band needs to shoot a Music Video and the best place...is on a random lake in the middle of nowhere.

Too bad the infamous 'Sweet Child O' Mine' Video had a Budget bigger than this whole actual Film.

A crazed killer is lurking around and he makes sure to kill the Park Ranger first.  This makes no sense when you learn his motivation, but shut up.

While we get the above video and more random, boring character moments, he cuts their radio.

All they have left is 'this walk about phone.'  That's so Australian!

The killer is nice enough to hang out at his lair (which I guess is near the Lake) with some exposition newspaper about what happened to him.

Would you keep that around if you were burned?  Really?

As the body count rises, we learn that the killer also has a lady friend that watches over him.

You know she's crazy due to her make-up.

The final battle happens on the titular Houseboat as the Cast is whittled down to just a few assholes from like 20.

You had to know that the make-up job would be a bit disappointing here, didn't you?

He's not a Jason rip-off since he's afraid of fire, not water.  

Just pretend that The Burning didn't come out 8 years earlier though.

They take out the killer with flames and he falls into the lake.

To complete the full rip-off, our Heroine sees her friend (and Final Boy!) as burned up...but it was just a dream.

Sigh.

…and, of course, the killer pops up for a Sequel.

There is no Sequel.
The End.

I don't know if it is the 'worst Australian Film ever made,' but I can at least see why it got the reputation.  Just like with Plan 9 From Outer Space, it is easy to say that something is 'the worst' and stick with it.  Is it good?  Hell no.  The Plot is cliché.  Even factoring in when this was made, you get all of the lazy stuff.  The only one missing- the 'it's just a cat' jump scare.  As a trade-off, you get the 'person dramatically opens the shower curtain on their friend' (that hopefully nobody does in real life) bit to give us some nudity.  Given how dull this is, I guess a 'thank you' is in order.  The killer dresses like Jason.  The killer has a messed up face like Jason.  The killer has a mommy-style character like Jason.  The one thing he can't do is keep a weapon, as he constantly leaves it embedded in his victims.  If this was a gimmick or something, maybe it might work.  I think the idea was to mix up the kills and show off what they could do.  They can't do much, so...bad call.  His motivations are pretty lax and he never talks, so I guess you just have to accept it at face value- pun intended.  Almost none of the Characters are fleshed out or likeable, so there's no joy on the other side either.  The Music by Brian Mannix is kind of catchy, so half a star there.  Houseboat Horror was a Film that offered nothing new, save for it being in Australia.  Even with the benefit of time and nostalgia, it offers little.  On the plus side, one of its Stars went on to be in Captain America: The Winter Soldier...

Next time, I uncovered a forgotten TV Movie and now I can actually see it!  See the Sequel that you didn't know existed or know that you needed.  Stay tuned...