After a long wait, I finally decided to see if you can do Dario Argento proud with a Remake. Let's not dance around the issue...
Sadly, this Version doesn't do what Dario wanted- to make the Characters under 18 for the full Fairy Tale Horror Vibe.
Instead, dank realism...and also Witches.
She finds herself loved by the Head Teacher- Tilda Swinton- and put in line to be the Lead in the next Show.
What's the catch?
Well, the Teachers are actually a Coven. They didn't take kindly to the last girl that left- a wasted Chloe Grace Moretz) and don't take kindly to the next girl, especially when she calls them out as Witches.
Her fate is...painful.
Can an old man- also Tilda Swinton- find out the secret and help out?
Did this need to be her?
Did they need to pretend for like a year that it wasn't?
Will our Heroine find out the truth and save the day? Will her best friend be doomed before then?
Will the finale be all about dancing or all about blood?
Did they need to pretend for like a year that it wasn't?
To find out, stream or watch the Film how you please.
A long, drawn-out Film that really wanted to be something more. Suspiria's story is, at its heart, a Fairy Tale Horror with Witches and Ballet. Naturally, someone saw that and said 'Let's make it set during an East German Military Conflict!' Let's also drag every Scene out too. The Film is over 2 hours, running about 2 hours and 35 minutes. Yeah, you can cut alot of that. The original Film comes in at just under 100 minutes- just for comparison. The original is notable for its bright, garish colors designed to be a kind of augmented, surreal reality. This Film is...dull as dish water- an intentional choice. The original Film opens with this big Scene involving a Student trying to escape and being killed in a big, flashy way. The 2018 Version begins with a girl going to talk to a Therapist about what happened and freaking out when she sees a book. Right...not quite the same. The best description I can give of this new Version is that it feels like it was Directed by a mix of Wes Anderson and Sam Raimi. It sure thinks that it has alot to say. I just wish it was interesting while it was trying to say it. The sudden, dramatic gore moments feel strange here. A big appeal of the Remake was to get 'better dancing' than the original. That's certainly up to interpretation (as it is literally Interpretive Dance), but it just makes the Movie feel less like Suspiria and more like Staying Alive...
A well-intentioned, but uninteresting Film. It's not fun to watch and is very bipolar to boot.
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