'70s Trash: Isle of the Snake People (1971)

It is better to die a hero than to live long enough to become the villain.  Sadly, that is not the case with today's Film.  Isle of the Snake People is a 1971 Horror Film that comes from a combination of Los Angeles and Mexico.  I'll get into that whole mess later.  Here's what you need to know: Boris Karloff was still taking work in his latter years and, sadly, wasn't too picky about it.  When approached to do FOUR Films for Jack Hill, he said 'yes.'  There was a catch though- he couldn't exactly travel to Mexico to Film due to a combination of lung issues (he had one removed due to Cancer and also had pneumonia) and other physical issues (his legs were in braces).  The strange solution: just shoot all of Karloff's footage in Los Angeles (where he lived) and film the rest in Mexico, where it was cheap to do so.  I should also note that these were shot in 1968 (his parts, at least), but the Films were released in a truncated manner.  That's how Karloff appears in two Films in 1971, even though he died in 1969.  Lastly, I should also note that there is a Film from 1968 with Karloff called The Snake People, but it has zero relation to ISLE OF The Snake People.  With that in mind, this Film is often listed as The Snake People, including on a DVD I just saw today.  Confusing, no?  Phew.  When I have to spend this much time on back story, you know that the Film must be a real gem!  The Plot involves voodoo, an older Cop looking to restore order, a teetotaler and lots of unfortunate animals.  Is Karloff's 2nd to last Film (I'll cover the last one in due time) worthy of his name?  To find out, read on...

In a Cold Open, we see a bunch of vague, PG-13 Voodoo stuff.  There's a little person, a chicken getting its head cut off, random dancing, lots of drums and no semblance of cohesion.

I don't know where I am, who they are or why I should care (in spite of the Film's lone bit of narration).  Great start!

The gist of the Plot is this...

A new Cop comes to Town.
The old guard are lazy drunks.
Voodoo is rampant.
Corruption is even more rampant.
Boris Karloff plays a rich guy who is clearly not the Villain.

Between Scenes of the Plot, we get more random Scenes of this lady doing snake dancing.  She has 3rd Billing, so I guess it makes sense.

More Plot as we learn that Karloff is trying to stop to new Cop from making trouble with the Voodoo Worshippers.  He says that it is for the benefit of the Village.

Yeah, that's it.

The woman also has a tentative romance with the younger, drunker Cop.  It goes nowhere.

The Head Priestess and her little companion break into the woman's room and make her have a weird dream.

It involves a copy of herself that likes to teleport and reappear 2 seconds later in the same location, her briefly making out with...herself and this oh, so subtle symbolism.

Oh and we get payoff late in the Film for that intro.  The guy there has a Zombie Woman as his 'Bride.'

That's it.  I hope you're happy.

It all ends in a big ceremony with the true Master coming forward and *gasp* it is Karloff.

Curiously, he dies when a snake bites the Cop's hand and 'makes him' shoot him.  His Voice and Body Double are sad.

The Cops seem to clear out the Voodoo Cult and all is right...I mean, save for all of the dead people and the collapse of their infrastructure.  The End.

 A pretty forgettable and unfocused Film.  In its best moments, Isle has the Voodoo Priestess and some nice visuals.  Sadly, those seem to be secondary to the overall Plot.  It is worth noting the other disconnect between parts of this Film.  Hill Directed Karloff and company in the Los Angeles parts, while Juan Ibanez did the stuff in Mexico.  For contrast, Hill has a number of notable credits, including Spider Baby, The Big Dollhouse and Coffy.  Ibanez, on the flip side, has these 4 Films and...nothing that really warrants much of an IMDB page (and also half as many Credits overall).  It kind of shows, for the most part.  The Plot stuff has this weird thing where it sometimes feels like boring filler, while the actual filler tends to be more interesting.  It's kind of like stuffing a cheap hot dog with fancy cheese, rare herbs and spices.  I couldn't ever tell you how important those Voodoo Scenes were, but I could at least stay awake easily during them.  The whole thing builds up to an obvious reveal for anyone who's seen any Movie ever.  I wonder if the previous Snake People Film has actual Snake People, as opposed to just people that like snakes.  The Plot is nothing special and the Pacing is odd.  The Film has a cheesy appeal, but it is less accessible for that kind of thing than I was hoping.  I do hope at least that she's in the next one.  After all, based on that haircut, she must be Seth Rollins' Mom, so that's neat.

***Like Mother, Like Son***

Next time, I try to finish off that DVD by the TV.  I can only hope that the final Film is passable at this point.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: WXIII- Patlabor the Movie 3

Anime isn't even safe from mostly-pointless, gratuitous killing.

In Patlabor the Movie 3, we eventually find out that a creature- Test #XIII- is loose in Tokyo.

By the bay, a couple is going into Club Babylon.
The woman sees something strange going on with the car next to them...

Oh- it's got some bodies in it!

Ouch.

As we find out later, the creature attacked the Car and killed them...but left it otherwise intact.

When you see the creature later, that seems...unlikely.

What did this killing give us for the Story?

It eventually helps them track the beast, since they figure out that the type of sound coming from the Club drew it near.

Did we need them killed for that though?  Nope.

Next time, another pair of deaths come shortly after this.  Given the setup you now have, you know it won't be pretty.  Stay tuned...

Quick Review: Greystone Park (2012)

As part of my desire to be a completionist, I have to watch the last 2 Films of a 4-Film Set.  One was John Carpenter's The Ward (which was good, but not great) and the other was The Frozen (which was bad).  What will the 3rd Film bring?

The Film begins with a bunch of people- including a now-dead Actress who broke a 35-year retirement for this- talking about Ghosts.

Some believe.  Some don't.
Either way, they keep talking about Shadow Men (not to be confused with Shadow Man- the comic, the game or the bad Seagal Film)

The one who sticks out the most- Oliver Stone!

Yeah, he's here since the Writer/Director/Star is his Son.
He's also ONLY here for this bit, since he still has some credibility to maintain.

After some cross-cutting between them deciding to go to the titular location- a real, abandoned Mental Hospital- and back to the Dinner, they go to it.

Well, three of them do.  The other 'chicken out.'

What follows is really lazy Found Footage stuff, so enjoy this compilation that was pre-made for me.

They wander around and occasionally try to slip in some *spoooky* lore about the place.

It is a real place, so maybe don't try so hard.

What secrets will they uncover?  Will they continue to be scared and wander around with no reason to stay?

Will something from the past prove to be their undoing?  Will the payoff be worth it?

To find out, watch the Film (if you must).

To get the nice stuff out of the way, there are some good visuals here.  The ultimate payoff has some creepy vibes to it and is handled well.  Unfortunately, there is a long, tedious Film you have to sit through to see it.  None of the people are that interesting.  Sean Stone isn't the worst Actor, for one.  I just couldn't be bothered to get invested in these people, all things considered.  The way the Film is shot is really the biggest sin.  They used a real location with lots of creepy stuff in it- great.  They shot it at night and you can only see like 5% of it- bad.  If this wasn't Found Footage, couldn't they have just shot this normally?  It wouldn't have been as cheap and they would have to actually commit to something other than wandering around though.  Oh well- go for the cheap and lazy route.  It is notable that Sean apparently appeared in more of his Dad's Films than any other Actor.  It is also notable that his early directing work was supplementary material for his Dad's Films.  Up until very recently (as in In-Production now), this was also his ONLY directing work as a solo act.  I'm not super-shocked to see that.  For your first real Film, making an easy narrative is understandable.  You just have to make it GOOD if you want to overcome the shortcut.  He didn't.  As it is, the Film is pretty nothing and you can actually see much more of Greystone Park from real footage/pictures online that sell it far better...

A nothing premise with really little creativity put into it.  It's not the worst Found Footage Film, but it definitely one of the more forgettable.

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Loch Ness Horror

After taking about the animated Loch Ness Monster, I was reminded of a famous Poster I had 'lying around' (on my computer's hard drive).

Once I find a good way to watch the Movie, a Review will come. 

In the meantime, enjoy this amazing Poster that creates way too much hype to possibly live up to...

Holy crap!

This giant monster is going to eat those poor people!

Who doesn't want to wait to see this Movie now?!?

Right?!?

It wont' be worth it.

Here's the original...

It isn't quite as bright or dynamic, right?  Maybe it is muted from years of storage or a bad scan.  Either way, mine is better, no?

Holiday Flix: Casablanca Express

On this day, we celebrate Troops around the World.  In my case, I do it with fictional ones.  Today's Film is Casablanca Express, a 1989 Thriller about WWII.  The Plot is simple- the Germans want to capture Winston Churchill while he's in Africa.  Can he be rescued from a train?  On the job are the Sons of 2 famous Actors- Jason Connery and Francesco Quinn.  Oftentimes when I'm talking about a Film, I'll describe the 'tone' or 'look' as being 'all over the map.'  In this case, it is literal.  Let's break this down by Country, shall we?  England brings us our fictional Protagonists like Churchill and Connery's Character- not to mention Connery himself.  Canada brings us legendary Character Actor  Glenn Ford in a key role.  Africa- specifically Alger- brings us the setting...even though they actually shot it in Morocco.  Our Female Lead is from Argentina (thankfully not Brazil).  Finally, Italy brings us Quinn and nearly everyone else behind the Scenes.  The Director- Sergio Martino- has a crazy Resume with over 60 Credits behind the Camera.  Of note, he's done Giallos like The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, All The Colors of the Dark and my personal favorite Title- but not Film- Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key.  He also did such Films as 2019: The Fall of New York, The Fishmen and their Queen and Slave of the Cannibal God.  If anyone was the right pick to tell a tale of British heroism in Africa, it was clearly the guy behind The Great Alligator!  Is this barely-remembered Film worth a second look?  To find out, read on...

In 1942, Churchill is in Africa, albeit in secret.  Obviously you can't let the Nazis know where he is right now!

Desperate to get him out, they turn to a 'fixer' of sorts- Connery- who knows how to do extractions.

For all the build-up he gets, however, he's attacked and subdued by Agents that same day.

He is spared, but he doesn't know why (until later).

He works with two other Agents, the latter of whom he's also in a relationship with.

They go on the train, which was the backup plan they went to after the earlier attack.

Did they make the right call?

Nope- it was all a trick!

The earlier attack was to get them to abandon the Plane plan and go to the Train.  An inside man- Ford- then would end up tipping off the Nazis.  Ruh roh.

Connery manages to get to the train- which was stopped by a bombing- and make an elaborate rescue attempt for his comrades and Churchill.

He manages to save many- but not all- of the hostages and Churchill, although his comrade- Quinn- doesn't make it.

In the aftermath, he finds out that this was actually the *double* of Churchill and he's upset.  All's fair in love and (World) War (II), right?

A strange mix of realism and bombastic adventure.  The Film, first and foremost, is pretty darn good.  It won't 'blow you away' or anything, but it is good.  It feels real- since they shot it in Casablanca-, it can feel gritty- lots of people get shot and killed- and it can feel relatively-epic.  The Film never seems to feel like the big-budget stuff that it is trying to ape.  This is 1989, so they are clearly going for Indiana Jones in many ways.  It doesn't *quite* succeed, but the almost-John Williams Score does its best.  I'm kind of amazed that they weren't sued over this.  The confusing part of this one for me is that it wants to be fun and bombastic throughout...until suddenly it gets somber.  A Priest gets shot, a little girl is wounded and many people die.  War is hell...but so are jarring transitions.  We first met Connery and then it went to a playful bit with him and his lady in the Shower.  An hour later, he's been beaten, their comrade has been shot and a dozen people are dead.  Wow.  I don't necessarily fault them for being somewhat-realistic here- as Nazis did kill many people- per se, just the manner in which they did it.  Tonal shifts aside, this has a fun, pulp feel to it and I enjoyed it.  If you're looking for Films about this time and with this kind of feel that you haven't seen, check it out.  I'm sure that you'll have a...Pleasence time...

Next time, we resume our regularly-scheduled program.  It's going to be a Horror Movie, but that won't exactly narrow things down for you.  Stay tuned...

Old School TV: Boris Karloff's Thriller- 'The Prediction'

I won't be random for a bit as I have two more of these to get through.

As such, we return to Boris Karloff's Thriller for...

For the first time, Karloff is actually IN THE STORY and not just watching from The Near Dark Area.

He's a fake Psychic who dabbles deeply in cultural appropriation.
To be clear, this is not me being 'OMG I'm so offended' or anything- just pointing out the obvious.

It is, after all, a Stage Show within the Episode.

During a performance, he has a real vision- which shakes him to his core!

He sees a Boxer dying in the Ring, which is pretty rare. 
According to Google, there have been 1,876 in the last 136 years (and this aired in 1960).

He continues to have visions, while the people around him are keeping secrets.

His Assistant is dating a guy who her Dad won't like. 

Well, I have some good news and some bad news...

His Manager decided not to warn the Boxer's Manager and just got drunk instead.

More predictions- all about death- come true, including that of the Assistant's Father.

Karloff tries to help, but people pay him very little heed.

He has one last vision- a man named Dudley dying in a car crash. 

As it turns out, Dudley is the guy who the Assistant is dating and is now going to elope with.

After some attempts at coercion and just accepting fate, Karloff gets himself *ahead* of the duo on the road and puts himself in the path of the car, killing him.

Afterwards, they see the Petrol Station (this is the UK) blow up- the same one they would have stopped it.  He traded his life for their's (but not the Petrol Station Workers').  The End.

The kid gets in the picture and nails it!  Was it any surprise that Karloff would be good here?  I mean, he's Boris Karloff.  Sarcasm aside, it was nice to see him take a bigger part in this.  I've already seen Shatner get killed twice in this Series, so it is nice to get some variety.  The Story- as a whole- isn't anything too unique or special.  The 'guy gets visions and tries to save people' shtick is nothing too exciting.  There are many subtle aspects to it, however, that I think Karloff nails.  He doesn't play it too soft.  He doesn't play it too hard.  Like a master craftsman, he is very precise here.  The other Actors do nicely too, even if their parts aren't as juicy.  The lovebirds never get any real 'breakout' moments, bu do just fine here.  It's interesting how much they tell us and don't show us.  For instance, we don't see the fight where the guy dies.  We don't need to, so why bother?  If you like classic, Old School TV, this will deliver, as always.  It isn't above being cliche, but...so be it.  Look into this man's eyes and say something bad- I dare you!

Next time, I have one last one to go from this batch and one more famous Guest Star.  Surely, I can't be serious.  Stay tuned...

'90s Animation vs. The Loch Ness Monster

I didn't go looking for this at first, but it just kept popping up over time.
Eventually, I noticed the pattern and decided to talk about it here...

What is the deal with the Loch Ness Monster?!?

In this case, why were '90s Cartoons and Animation so obsessed with it?!?

Examples...

1) On Gargoyles (as part of the Avalon World Tour Arc), our Heroes meet the Monster and discover that Xanatos wants to control it.  One of them- Angela- befriends it.

They eventually free it, revealing their creature to actually be the baby.  This won't be the last time you see this.

2) On James Bond Jr (1991, so it counts!), we get the other version of this story-

It's a fake.

Just like on Rambo (1986, so it doesn't count!), it turns out to be a Submarine as part of the villain's ploy.

3) On The Simpsons, an Episode revolves around Mr. Burns wanting to capture and display the creature.

In a comedic twist, that doesn't work out, so Nessie gets a job at one of his Casinos.

4) On Aah, Real Monsters, Nessie is a Guest Instructor.

I mean, they are all Monsters, so why not?

5) On Godzilla: The Animated Series (following the '90s Film), the creature shows up as one of the Creatures of the Week.

Well, it is a Show about Godzilla, so of course they fight.

6) On '90s phenomenon Celebrity Death Match, we got to see a battle of two creatures...

Nessie vs. Bigfoot!

Guess who wins.

7) Lastly, we come to Extreme Dinosaurs (aka the final push I needed for this) and their Loch Ness Episode.

They hear about the creature and assume that it is a Dinosaur they can befriend (since they are stranded in the future).  So do their enemies, who try to train it to kill them.

It, of course, fails in time and Nessie's Mom shows up (that one again) to punish the bad guys.

I think I got all of the major ones.  Let me know if I missed any and feel free to tell me why this obsession happened.

In the meantime, I may go shopping...

You think I'm joking too...