Holiday Flix: Mil Mascaras in 'Macabre Legends of the Colony'

Vaya con dios, mi hombres!  That's enough Spanish from me.  Today's Film is Macabre Legends of the Colony, a 1974 Film featuring some Lucha Libre Legends (and El Fantasma Blanca).  Obscure Wrestler, burn!  As far as Wrestler/Luchador Films goes, this one is pretty obscure.  Yes, that is a high bar to clear.  With this Holiday approaching, I scoured a list of Luchador Films.  When my first 2 picks didn't pan out, this one won out.  Hurray!  The Plot involves a few Wrestlers, a cursed painting, a Witch and Spain.  Is this Mad Libs?  Oh right- none of them is 'penis' or 'fart'- it can't be Mad Libs!  Mil Mascaras is the big attraction here.  Is this Lucha Legend enough to sell you?  The Film is really silly and fun-sounding.  Why did it nearly put me to sleep then?  To find out, read on...

After 90 seconds of Credits and another minute of panning around the Shop, we get to see...

Okay, so they just wear those everywhere, I guess.  This is Tinieblas, a Luchador who buys a cursed painting.

Instead of seeing where that goes right away, we get Wrestling.

Look- I love Pro-Wrestling.  I watch it.  I review it.  I Podcast about it.

That said, this is TWENTY MINUTES right at the start of the Film.  I know nothing about anybody at this point, so...WTF Movie?!?!?

 ...anyways, we finally start the Plot again when our 3 Heroes (and 2 Dates...since Mascaras was married IRL) come home and the painting starts to smoke.

Yep, he bought it on the exact same day that the curse would happen (on a Full Moon, of course).  Movies!

The group are sent back to the 16th Century, which is when the painting was made.  Magic!

The whole thing revolves around this lady, an evil Witch.  She gets these awkward zoom-ins on her face that mean...nothing.

She kills people to bring her dead Mom back to life.  She looks silly as hell.

You know what this Film with both too little and too much Plot needs?  An interrupting Narrator that seems to predict the TV Cryptkeeper.

This guys pops up like 3 times since...um, I guess people can't follow this complex non-Plot.

Our Heroes hide right by the street and then in the Witch's House.  They somehow evade notice for a good 2/3 of the Film.  It is baffling.

They theorize that they must destroy the painting to go back...which seems wrong, right? 

'This magic crystal sent us to Hell- let's smash it to go home!'

There's ALOT of padding here, so I'll skip it.

There's some okay sword-fighting, a brief bit of Mascaras fighting (he's also the only one to lose his shirt in the Film), a B-Plot involving two Duelists and something involving bringing Mom back with a sacrifice.

Before Mil can job to a dagger-wielding bruja, the dates smash her with the painting...

...which sends them home.

There's an odd bit where they all go 'It must have been a dream'...while Mil is shirtless and with ropes on his wrist.  Did they think that he sleep escaped somewhere?

The Manager comes in (in the Morning?) and sends them to their next match...against three goons from earlier.  Huh?

It all ends with a pratfall and NO EXPLANATION.  The *huh...I'm awake!* End.

A surprisingly-dull Film.  As mentioned, this sounds *great* on Paper.  You have a bunch of wrestler like Mil and Tinieblas trying to act in a silly Plot- great.   The sad part- it is dreadfully-boring.  Where do I begin?  The Pacing is terrible, going from setup to long-ass match to slow build-up.  They don't follow the 'where are they now?' bit with much excitement or intrigue.  Our Heroes just kind of hide for a while, only stopping to fight some random Guards to help a guy they don't even know or have reason to.  I appreciate the bit of action at least.  When they finally try to help out or be proactive, they get pimp-slapped by Mom.  The visual of Tinieblas punching an 'old lady,' her no-selling it and then punching him down is hilarious.  It is even funnier when Mil- like a dick- tries to do it better and it also fails.  The gang then spends a big time locked up while they just observe the Plot through a window- no joke.  With like 10 minutes left, they finally get involved and...Mil just kind of gives up after a minute of fighting one goon.  The worst part of the Pacing is how it ends...then they chat...then we see them on the Bus for a good minute of nothing...and then FINALLY end with the silly fight.  Remakes get a fairly-undue bad rap, but I think Films like this need to be Remade- provided the goal isn't just to be silly.  It should be great.  It is boring.  The only upside is seeing this guy prove to be far too good at living up to his promises...

 ****

Next time, I can return to...The Grudge.  I just...fine, I'll do it already!  Stay tuned...