Monday, July 15, 2013

Lock Me Up!: AE- Apocalypse Earth

The real apocalypse is the loss of Adrian Paul's dignity.  Today's film is AE: Apocalypse Earth, The Asylum's answer to After Earth.  Wow- they really put their money on the wrong 'pony!'  They haven't guessed this wrong since Jack The Giant Slayer!  So without the ability to see future Box Office Returns, what do The Asylum have?  They have a small budget, a book of Screenwriting Cliches and access to some D-List Actors.  Who's on-board for this Sci-Fi trash?  Adrian Paul (sadly) and Richard Greico, who played the villain in Almighty Thor.  Say- I wonder if that film is getting a sequel this year?  I, for one, want to see Thor wielding an Uuzi one more time!  I digress because this movie is pretty underwhelming.  As someone who feels like they have seen thousands of movies (probably not THAT far off, honestly), I feel like I've seen this movie at least 237 times.  There's very little here that feels remotely fresh or new.  I'll break down what elements they flat-out stole from other films for you.  More importantly- and humorously-, I'll show you which Actor seems to be not having fun the whole time.  This is one man's show- even if he doesn't want to be here.  To find out who it is, read on...
The Earth is under siege by aliens.  Adrian Paul is dragged along for the ride by it's Captain (Grieco), even if he would rather stay on Earth and fight.
Since the film is too cheap, Paul wakes up from Cryo-Sleep to find that the ship has crashed on an alien planet.  How the whole thing blew up around his pod so cleanly while doing ZERO damage to him is anyone's guess.
In the aftermath, Paul takes over as Leader, since Grieco figured out that he can just coast through the film and get paid the same amount of money.

Seriously, even Paul seems to know it.  Look at that face.
Paul and the survivors come across an alien chick in a bikini, which would immediately add a point to this film's Score if I reviewed like that.

In spite of that, Paul seems unimpressed.
In one of the more blatant thefts, they introduce a character who is basically Data.  He even looks and talks like him!

On top of that, the aliens are invisible- cue Predator- and the other Villagers are painted white- see Rambo: First Blood- Part II.  Why don't they just steal the Teletubbies why they're at it?
 How do you feel about this film so far, Adrian?
Yeah, I feel the same.

The Villagers and all of the Soldiers that aren't Paul work together, while Paul and Tribal Girl get in trouble.  Keep doing all of the work, Adrian- I appreciate you, at least.

SPOILERS below.  If you want to be surprised, skip to the Wrap-Up Paragraph.
Paul and the surviving crew escape, but find out some bad news.  Are you ready?
They flew into a rip-off of the Ending of Planet of the Apes.  That's...about what I expected.  The End.
If an Asylum films sucks, is anyone surprised?  In all seriousness, this film is really just kind of disappointing.  Granted- most people will not be expecting much here.  If you're expecting a sub-standard Sci-Fi Film with a by-the-book plot and crappy effects, you'll get what you expect.  If you expect anything more, disappointment sets in.  The film tries for so little and pretty much achieves that- just barely.  Spoilers aside, the film rips off so much stuff that I could spend ages talking about them.  The main victims are Predator, Star Trek: The Next Generations, Aliens (for the general Soldiers vs. Aliens vibe) and many others.  The Acting is not terrible, but the star of the show is Adrian Paul.  While I joked about it alot in the review, he really does have to carry the film.  While Greico shares equal billing, Paul does the majority of the work and appears in nearly every scene.  He tries real hard and makes the film far more bearable than it has any right to be.  It still features bad Writing, bad Special Effects and feels uninspired.  He deserves an Award for making me care though.  Seriously, just look at how he stares at Grieco in (justifiable) anger...
Next up, the other Lost Boys movie.  Can it be more disappointing and lead to even less?  Stay tuned...

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