Saturday, November 17, 2012

Project Terrible 8: Haunted Poland

Austria protects and Austria attacks.  In this case, it's the latter.  In my final Project Terrible review, I have to review Haunted Poland.  Thanks, Maynard!  Remember how I said that The New York Centerfold Massacre barely-qualified as a film?  Well, this is worse.  Essentially, two folks wanted to be filmmakers (and still do apparently) and came up with a crazy plan.  Instead of working their way up the ladder normally, they decided to film their vacation...and make it a film.  No, really.  To be fair...actually, there's not much I can say here.  You wanted to make an experimental film- fine.  The problem is that you didn't make a film- you just tried to add a plot to your vacation.  Imagine if I filmed myself going to Publix, but decided to talk over it and make it into a story about me buying supplies for, say, a zombie invasion.  Would you watch that movie?  No, right?  I don't want to seem like I'm attacking someone for trying something new...but you did make a bad found-footage movie with more shaky cam than Cloverfield.  Be glad that you didn't get this one, Bob!  To see what little plot this thing has, read on...
Our heroes are a couple going to Poland to visit the girlfriend's family.  Thrilling buying Pastries in the Airport action!
They wander around and see the sights.  Their tourism flies off of the silver screen!
In an attempt to set up some sort of plot, they wander near a 'haunted house,' but leave.  Thank God- something almost happened!
Hmm...maybe if they wander around the Woods something will happen.
I guess if you count people wandering around an old building with shaky cam to be action, then this movie is a thrill a minute!
To create suspense, they blatantly steal both the 'guy staring in the corner' bit from Blair Witch and the 'Boo face shots' from Paranormal Activity & smash them together.

It works in a quickly-Edited here's a still-frame of it.
It's rare that a movie sums up my feelings about it so well.  Thanks, Haunted Poland.
After more tedium, our heroine collapses at a family gathering- hopefully you told your Mom before you did this- and doesn't feel well.  What does this mean?
Apparently he was possessed or something.  She runs- thanks for the P.O.V. running- and passes on the spirit to our hero...or something.  You stole this ending from a film (which I won't say).  Joy.  The End.
Just a thought: actually make a movie.  Seriously, I don't hate people for trying something new.  I do hate them a little for doing it so badly though.  I kid, I kid.  If you like horror films, this is not one.  It has brief glimmers of one- albeit a generic one- which is a sign of hope.  As a whole, this film suffers from all of the usual Found Footage cliches.  As a bonus, it finds some new ones.  Since this is a non-professional effort, there appears to be very little of the Behind the Scenes stuff like Sound Editing and the like that you expect.  If you have good Sound Editing, you don't ever talk about the Sound Editing.  If you make a bad movie, you're Waiting for the Giants.  The camera work is also an issue as it's even worse than such Found Footage movies as The Devil Inside Her.  Hell, the camera work in Monster is better than this.  That's the problem: it has to be judged as a real film.  It's not.  However, everything about it requires this, making it look inferior as a result.  If you want to make a film resume, do it.  If you want to make a movie, do that.  Here's my main issue summed up in one shot...
Next up, a week of video-game tie in movies.  First up, an Action-RPG that I like gets a movie to promote, um, something.  Stay tuned...


  1. Glad you enjoyed it as much as I did ;)

  2. Wow. And I joked about thinking I was watching Rudy Ray Moore's vacation footage with "Shaolin Dolemite." Then someone actually went and made a film with their vacation videos...just wow.