Fred Olen Ray J: Silent Venom

In a submarine, nobody can hear you yawn.  Today's film is Silent Venom, another recent Fred Olen Ray film.  I like to mix up the old and new- it's my thing.  A short summary: it's Snakes on a Submarine.  This film was made after the Samuel L. Jackson film, so I can't help but make the connection.  It's still not Snakes on A Train though!  The film stars former Porn Actress-turned-Star-turned-Direct-to-Video star Krista Allen and Luke Perry.  Bringing out the real star power, Mr. Olen Ray!  In all seriousness, Allen has been in some good work- then she stopped dating George Clooney.  The film is pretty silly and suffers from a major case of Miscasting Syndrome.  Oh and the story is stupid as hell too.  To see why the film teases one thing and delivers another, read on...

Allen is a Herpetologist working on an Island near China.  She and her comrade are experimenting with Venom to get a cure for Nerve Gas.  Of course, that makes sense.

Two random helpers are killed when they run around like idiots and run into...this crappy CG effect.

By the way, this is never seen again.  Seriously, 20-foot giant snake = gone forever.

Our pair are called away, since the Chinese Navy will be near.  Seconds after dissuading her partner to not take more snakes to sell on the Black Market, she leaves HIM to put the snakes away.

I thought Scientists were smart, not dumb as shit!

Miscasting #2 comes in the form of Luke Perry as a grizzled, twenty-year Veteran of the Navy.  Yeah, you and Taylor Kitsch!

Anyhow, he's sent off on one last mission to pick up the scientists and take them back to a Japanese Naval Base.  Dun dun dun!

Naturally, Jerky McDoucheBag brings ALL 24 killer snakes on board, instead of just 4.  Of course, he doesn't let them loose.  Instead, some random Naval Officer opens the container.

In summary, it's 50% his fault.  I'm just saying.

Naturally, the Assistant freaks out when random Naval Officers start dying.  Oh and he also brought two semi-giant snakes on board too.  You should probably check on those.

To the film's credit, there's a good amount of real snakes on screen and Actors interacting with them (although I'm 99% sure that they were de-fanged)...

...but they also use shitty CG for the two larger snakes.  Yeah, it's that kind of movie.

The snakes are taken care of and everything is worked out.  Oddly, the romantic sub-plot between Perry and Allen just kind of dies.  Oh and there's your sequel-bait.  The End.

Snakes- scary, right?  To be fair, this is an interesting enough premise.  It's not like this kind of concept hasn't been done before.  Sometimes it's even good!  Hell, there's even a film about scorpions on a Submarine!  It would have been better if it was The Scorpions on a Submarine, but I digress.  The film has decent moments to it, but nothing ever stands out.  The snakes plot was apparently not good enough, as they try to pad it out with a 'There are Submarines' chasing them plot.  Considering that all of the Submarine footage is Stock Footage, there's no drama.  As I mentioned, the biggest problem is the blatant miscasting.  Perry is not a bad Actor, but he can't play this part.  To be fair, he didn't seem to be trying all that hard either.  As for Allen, she's not a bad Actress per se, but the only less-reputable movie scientist is Christmas Jones!  The whole thing just seems cheap and does little to make you care.  This is the epitome of a generic Direct-to-Video film.  Hell, even their blatant Stock Footage isn't that interesting...

Next up, a 1987 film that is both Directed and not Directed by Ray.  It will make a little more sense- honest!  Stay tuned...