Top Twelve Dumbest Movie Victims
12. Shark Attack 3: This one belongs in the 'I should have been paying attention' category. In the midst of a giant shark attack, - surprising, I know- our villain decides to flee the scene in his jet ski. He looks back at the scene and laughs, before turning around and seeing his imminent death. Another shark, you see, has popped up and has its mouth wide open for him. He goes right in, apparently dying at some point. This one really needs to be seen.
11. Island of Death: If someone is trying to kill you, do not stop running. Towards the end of his killing spree, our antagonist spies on a woman showering and decides to make her the next victim. He chases for a while before a small mob spots him in the act. He exits the apartment, but not before stabbing the sickle into the door in anger. Of course, the woman decides to rest her head against it, relieved that she is safe. Should you relax when he has just left the room a second ago? Maybe you should be less stupid. She sort of had it coming, really
10. Subterano: When common sense fails you, death is soon to come. In the midst of a live-action video game of life-and-death, the 'guy who knows the rules' finds a 'save point.' To save the game, you must stick your head in a floating orb. Sigh. Yeah, so he gets his head cut off. It is like he wanted to die or something. If you want to live, start acting smarter people. In a place where innocuous things will kill you, something like this should stand out.
9. Final Exam: You would expect better from adults, but you would be wrong. Near the end, the Coach comes to the rescue our heroine from the nameless killer. He comes armed with his bow and arrow- for a hunting trip- and shoots up at the man in the tower. The killer catches his arrow in front of his chest, so, naturally, the Coach comes running at him unarmed. He gets stabbed with his own arrow. After a display of skill like that, why would you want to fight someone like that, whether they were armed or not? Someone catching an arrow you shot is sort of like a rattlesnake warning you to keep your distance.
8. Friday the 13th, Part 5: He is dumb even compared on the level of other slasher movie victims. While on a company retreat, he is out with a bunch of middle-management yuppies paintballing in the woods. Jason appears, so he does the only natural thing: shoot him with his paintball gun. It is astounding that someone would even think that it was a good idea for more than a split second. A quick death tells you why that was a bad call…not that it wasn't incredibly obvious.
7. Satanic Rites of Dracula: Sadly, this is one of two Christopher Lee appearances here. In the big fight with Van Helsing, the Count is sent running from the sight of a cross. He flees through his thorn bushes, but gets tangled up in them. Two things to note: thorns hurt him here (due to the whole 'crown of thorns' thing) and he had them planted at his house. He is mortally wounded before his arch enemy finishes the job. If he comes back, he will kill his gardener! That's just for starts, anyways.
6. Versus: Overconfidence is logical if it is based on anything. After a long period of build-up in regards to the man's questionable qualifications, the policeman comes face to face with the escaped convict. The only problem is that said convict is wielding his big, anti-tank cannon. The man attempts to show off and do a 'Matrix' dodge, only he throws his back out and gets blown up. He is left as a pile of puzzle pieces. Do not show off or this will happen to you, kids. The more you know…
5. Crimson Rivers 2: When in doubt, listen to Jean Reno. At the climax of this French film you will never see, Christopher Lee holds Reno and partner hostage underground in the Maginot Line to find hidden gold. He is warned that blowing the ceiling will cause the river to pour in. He ignores this and does so anyways. Who wants to guess what happen? There is a sad look on his face as the place fills up and he commits suicide to avoid drowning. If only you could find out whose fault that was, huh? Get back to me on that.
4. Cloverfield: These people are quite possibly the dumbest ever. First, they run towards a 100-ft plus monster to get to the subway tunnel. Then they cross through a dark tunnel filled with off-shoots of the previous monster. Lastly, they go all the way into a building, climb up to the roof and climb across to a second building, which is lying perched precariously against the other one. The scary part- almost all of them survive this. Only an inexplicable monster attack or two and a bombing of NYC's Central Park actually kill them. Who has luck like that and still gets killed?
3. The Toxic Avenger: Anyone who engages in a fist fight with a mutant is already off to a bad start. In the midst of a restaurant robbery, the eponymous hero decides to stand up for the victims. The robber is disarmed figuratively before he is disarmed literally by an attempted judo flip by the Avenger. He does not notice this, however, until he looks down and sees the severed limb. He freaks out- naturally- and is taken down by a swing of his loose arm from our hero. How do you not feel that exactly?
2. Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah: Sometimes your memories can horribly mislead you. A corporate executive is convinced that Godzilla is there to save Tokyo from King Ghidorah. This is because his unit in WWII was saved by a dinosaur that eventually became the beast. Amidst the fight, he tries to reason with his 'friend' as it passes by his building. After a brief moment of shared emotion between the two, he is blasted into vapor by his 'buddy.' With friends like that, you don't need any enemies!
1. Dreamcatcher: Having a small obsession is one thing if it does not cause your death. Our hero is stuck in a cabin with a freaky alien monster. He has the door barricaded, but he has lost his toothpick. He desperately attempts to hold the door while reaching back for the tiny piece of wood. He fails. He is killed because he dropped his toothpick? This is the best that the duo of Stephen King and Lawrence Kasdan could come up with. Of course, those of us who saw the whole thing did not set our expectations high. A group of psychic kids join forces later in life to stop aliens. Are you for real?
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