Conquest
Faceless warriors, swamp zombies and nearly-naked Destros are on the menu tonight. When you hire Lucio Fulci to make a sword-and-sandal film that is what you are going to get. For all you non-film nerds, he is an Italian director known for making serial killer films and ones in which women get ocular surgery from a zombie. Just check YouTube and that last part will make sense. In this case, Lucio made one about a thong-clad lady in an iron mask using 'Wookies' to hold down clans of cave people. After getting a cryptic vision of her death at the hands of an organ-stuffed scarecrow and his magic bow, she summons the ancient power of a wooden statue to avert that fate. It is just as insane as it sounds. The movie also has moments of severe gore- i.e. a woman being ripped in twain- amongst the usual combat and swordplay. An odd aspect of Conquest is that the protagonist is a rail-thin dork who meets a grizzled barbarian who is obviously the real hero of the picture. There is quite a long bit of movie before they really get to this though, making me wonder how much of this was changed in editing or on the set itself. Really strange magical effects are also quite resplendent in the movie, the best of which is a magic bow that appears to be made out of pure energy. Unique choreography, jazzy music and superfluous use of slow-motion are also what you get in spades here. Throw in cheesy effects and the package is complete.
Mystery in Bermuda
If I trust anyone to uncover a hidden conspiracy of global proportions, it is El Santo the luchador. This movie, available as a part of a handy two-pack, features both the legendary Mexican wrestler and his courageous comrade Blue Demon. The plot involves a bunch of scientists living at the bottom of the ocean in an apparent utopia-like society that like to weird experiments. Despite this film's similarity to a good episode of The Simpsons, it really just comes off as more weird than entertaining. The real mark against this movie is its severe lack of midgets. The companion piece- The Avenging Champions- you see had more midgets in it than a Being Tossed By People In A Fair Support Group. On the plus side, Santo is a pretty good performer and never takes off his mask. Even in a scene in which the men are hanging around a hotel pool casually reading the paper, they are in bathing suits and their masks. They just sort of accept it and you will too. You get to see weird people in jumpsuits teleport via cheap effects, which is at least good for a small laugh. Aside from the ludicrous nature of the story, it is not that exciting. It is sort of a trade-off for film buffs. On one hand, the film has El Santo, Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras. On the other, it is just not as good as the other film. If you are buying the DVD, there is no real issue, since you get both. Casual viewers will have to make the choice though: midgets or no midgets.
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