Gymkata

Gymkata

Combining the dullness of male gymnastics with the subpar acting skills of a martial arts actor is a brilliant idea. Provided, of course, your goal is to make a dumb and very dated film that looks unprofessional on most levels. As Presidential banner-makers say, 'Mission accomplished.' As a film, Gymkata just screams 'the 80s.' Ironically, it makes me wish it was the early 80s, because I would not have enough cognitive ability to actually watch the film. There are certainly worse films you can watch out there- Albert Pyun does love to work after all- but there are also better ones. There are even better action films of the cheesy variety out there. Why does the movie stand out in anyway then? It takes itself very seriously, which is certainly not the easiest thing to do. Nobody in the movie is really that talented, but they believe in what they are doing…damn it. Besides, it is hard to forget a movie that has a fight scene centered on the use of a pommel horse. If the bulk of the movie was centered around that kind of action, as any bit of common sense would suggest, it would be easy to recommend as a gimmicky-film. It does not. All the other elements are there- introduction, training montage, perfunctory back story and fully-realized conflict- so the film is a complete piece of work.

"Hey, how are you doing? By the way, your dad was a spy and you need to invade a foreign country to save him. You like cupcakes?" This is the extent of the level of plot build-up we get in Gymkata pretty much. In a flash, our young Olympian goes from being a mild-mannered…young Olympian to government agent who uses his Olympic training to survive an extreme form of 'American Gladiators.' Of course, because he is so horribly out of shape and paunchy- what with his 4% body fat- he has to go through a bit of training. It must be tough to adjust to a life of strict diet and training that consumes your life to that degree. During his training, he meets a girl, who we are supposed to believe that he is interested in. Oh and she is the Princess of Parmistan, the amusingly-named, fictitious country of the film's setting. I love how they mixed a topping for spaghetti with our then-ally Afghanistan. The training he undergoes involves such everyday tasks as walking on his hands up a set of stairs. It is like Rocky, except stupid. No, I do not mean Rocky IV.

Nothing says 'Welcome to our country' like wannabe-ninjas chucking spears at you. It is not long after arriving in Parmistan…wow, that really is such a dumb name…that our hero gets involved in his first fight scene. The movie earlier espoused the idea of Gymkata, mixing his years of training with his ability to do a bad spin kick. Sadly, the full potential of this ridiculous style is only realized a few times in the film. This is a film just screaming for a remake or sequel, if only to have a good bit of fun with it. Our hero rescues the Princess from terrorists only to need to be saved by the S.I.A. (Special Intelligence Agency). By all means, build up our hero by having him need to be rescued this early in the film. He is later knocked out- seriously, movie- and awakens in the palace with the other participants of 'The Game.' A lack of HHH notwithstanding, this game is not the most dangerous one, though it is kind of funny. That counts for something. All this to get a satellite launched; okay, then.

Any game that involves ninjas as flag-wavers is great in my book. After all this build-up, The Game is…well, odd. As mentioned earlier, this contest is like some bizarre version of the show 'American Gladiators' or 'Ninja Warrior.' The competitors go running through a jungle and pass through a serious of landmarks. These points of interest are marked by ninjas who stand around with large yellow flags in their hands. Apparently, a simple sign or two would not be sufficient. Along the way, non-flag-waving throw spears and shoot arrows at them, something that is sorely lacking from 'Ninja Warrior,' although you do get the Nerf cannon from 'Gladiators' which seems nearly as effective. In the test run, none of the prisoners put into the test survive. I like our hero's odds. After a show of manliness from the biggest tough guy in Parmistan- who is also appointed to be the Princess' fiancée, - The Game begins proper the next day. He is given a rival named Thorg and both of them join a group of 'red shirts' in the contest. Of course, a precious few of the competitors can make it through the vicious gauntlet, one of whom is our hero. Clearly, handstand training pays off…finally.

Nothing can keep a good man down, even several life-threatening injuries. During a fight with Cabot, Thorg is shot with an arrow through the heart. This happens because our hero ducks out of the way and lets him be wounded. USA! USA! The tiny acrobat escapes into the Village of the Crazies- the actual name- where his seemingly-immortal enemy has returned! They do battle again, this time in a room full of pitchfork-wielding villagers. Ever the tough guy, our hero runs away, yet again leaving Thorg to be killed by someone else's work. Hurray?!? He is rescued by his dad, who, like everyone in this movie, is shot in the back. This leads up to the final fight between Cabot and Zamir, his romantic and political rival. After a long ass-kicking, our hero pulls out a random and absurd Gymkata move. He does about six flips, lands on the guy's shoulders and locks his legs around the guy's neck. The man's neck being made of straw, it snaps very easily. The villain is killed, the girl is free to marry this clearly-not-gay man and, best of all, and a satellite has been launched over Parmistan as part of the Star Wars program. I mean, the Missile Defense Program, and not the program to make some sort of 'Death Star' to destroy our rivals. That is still tied up in Congress…for now.

I wish this movie was more fun that it really is. The film is considered to be a minor cult classic now a la Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or Alligator. The difference is that those two movies are not big piles of wasted potential. Instead of choosing to go for the gusto and be creative, the producers instead chose to go the standard route and be a bit boring. I know that you are immediately hooked by the title of Gymkata and think "fun." I hate to be a buzz kill, but this is more like Deathstalker III than Deathstalker II. One stand out moment exists in the film, but this is near the end. Amidst fighting the town of cannibals and ass-less uniform wearing priests, Cabot discovers a pommel horse in the town square. He does a whole routine involving kicks and flips around the inexplicably-placed object. Had there been ninety minutes of this, I would be recommending this with the same gusto I use for Riki-Oh or Duel to the Death. As it stands right now, this is not even close.