Movies That Bite: Lost Boys- The Thirst

You can't go home again.  In addition to that, you really can't recreate a Classic.  Today's film is Lost Boys: The Thirst, a film that attempts to do just that.  While The Tribe is pretty much the same film, this one attempts to do something new.  The problem is that it relies on one person: Corey Feldman.  I don't hate the guy, but he just can't carry a film (at least as this character).  He tries way too hard to seem cool, even while his character is supposed to not be so bad-ass.  It's a weird conflict of Actor and Screenplay.  The film actually apes moments from the tie-in comic made before The Tribe came out.  This pushes the conflict further as the intro is taken outright from said comic.  However, in the comic, the pair's bad-ass moment is eventually revealed to be fictional.  In the film, it is not.  This bizarre mash-up of comic stories, new ideas and stuff from the original Lost Boys just doesn't work.  Oh and they make lots of Commentary on Twilight, since...well, people who like Horror Films don't like it.  I don't either, but none of this plays very well.  It's...well, obvious.  The big gimmick is that both of the Frog Brothers are back together, despite the Alternate Ending which sets up the pair battling in the sequel.  I guess that part didn't count.  To find out what goes horribly awry here, read on...

In the Prologue, the Frog Brothers stop a Congressman from feeding on a House Member.  However, Alan Frog is force-fed Vampire Blood, which turns you instantly.

I guess that's the rule they've set up, but it doesn't exactly mix with most other representations.  At least they're consistently wrong...until a bit later.

We cut to Five Years Later (and two years after Tribe) and see that Edgar is going to lose his shack since he has no money.  I guess the Emersons didn't pay him last time.  Plus, how much money can you make killing Vampires in secret?

He's not that 'in secret' it seems, however, as he gets approached by a woman to rescue her brother from some Vampires.  She's a stand-in for Stephanie Meyer, which is just an excuse to have Edgar and a character later complain about how bad the books are.

Yes, Twilight sucks.  Your on-the-nose shot framing sucks too.  Deal with it.

Edgar goes to get his brother to help him, but he's in no mood to help out.  They name-drop all of the characters from the previous film that won't show up.  It also points out the fact that the leads from Tribe share the same last name.

So, wait, The Tribe was a rehash of the first film AND featured relatives of the original film's leads?  How come Edgar said nothing about this?  That's weird, right?

Edgar teams up with the lady from the local Comic Book Shop- since he worked in one in the first film- to go on the mission, since he'll be able to take out 'the original Vampire' and get rid of all Vampires everywhere...forever.

I know I'll sound like a nerd (too late) for saying this, but Dr. Strange already beat you to it!

I won't SPOIL this death for you, save for telling you that it was a long time coming and that you'll know who it is from the moment you see the character.

There's also some commentary on Reality Shows being fake and 'all sucking.'  This is done without irony by Feldman, who had literally just appeared on one!

The biggest middle finger to the audience is who they throw in all of these sepia-toned clips from the original film.  I could be watching that instead?

I won't mock them for the scene of Feldman placing the Batman comic that Haim's character bought in the first film at his grave.  Why not?  Well, I'm not 100% sure that this wasn't done to commemorate Haim's actual death, so I don't want to be that asshole.

Can Feldman, a Comic Book Store Employee, some douche, his Camerman and Not Stephanie Meyer rescue the brother?  Will they use a twist that a recent Bruce Willis film used to completely ruin its Third Act recently?

Will the two Brothers fight or save the day?  Will they prove that stubble is inherently linked to you being a Vampire?

To find out all of those serious (and not-so-serious) questions, watch the film.  The End.

Seriously though, you aren't missing much.  The biggest problem is the film's biggest selling point: Feldman.  His Edgar Frog is not a bad Character, but is used far too much.  He was a Supporting Character in the last two films, but is now the lead by virtue of being somewhat famous, but also willing to appear in this.  Just for contrast, let's take another Franchise and give it a similar treatment.  Imagine if they made Beverly Hills Cop IV (which they will eventually), but it didn't feature Axl or Rosewood.  Instead, they got John Ashton to sign on again as Taggart for the film and he was now the lead.  Would the film work?  No.  That's nothing against the Actor or the fictional Character, but you can't just do that.  You can't try to bring back the magic of a film with a similar story, but none of the heart.  The film doesn't ever know what it wants to be.  On top of that, I have to throw in a little gripe of my own.  Recall how much the 'consistent rule is that its inconsistent' crap bugged me?  Well, in this film, all of the Vampires die in the exact same way.  That's...better?  The movie does even little things that should be neat wrong.  For example, they actually do a good job of disguising the area for California.  Why that's bad is that they actually shot it in Africa.  So, in essence, they shot it in a foreign country and did extra work to make that pointless!  Dawn of the Mummy shot in Egypt and actually set it there.  It still wasn't a good film, but it at least made a point of the traveling expense.  If you really want to see how a Franchise can go astray, watch The Tribe and this film.  As for me, I'll spend all night thinking about how they just destroyed the Universe with this super-Meta sight gag...

Next up, another Asylum film.  Since I'm finally going to see Bryan Singer's most recent failure, I might as well watch the super low-budget version too.  Stay tuned...